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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2010 5:48 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3355
Location: UK
My Addiction?
Synopsis
I have been using paid prostitutes for nearly 30 years
I always use a different girl and always, except the last two times, use the same procedure
this procedure is the selection of a girl and I select right across the spectrum of age looks etc
My procedure is a back rub with small talk anticipating the turn over,
The biggest kick I get is when I turn over and exhibit myself, still not ever sexually aroused. Then I watch the girl watching me starting to and then becoming erect as she masturbates me
I get some physical pleasure from this but more mental pleasure i.e. the vision of the girl whether she is naked or not watching her hand on my penis plus the ejaculation
I then need to decide whether I want the sex or not if I take it, it is always in the missionary position with a condom with no kissing and cuddles or breast sucking etc
if I feel that I am enjoying the masturbation then I take this to completion but if I am not enjoying it or feel the girl is not interested in watching and touching my erect penis then I opt for the sex
I have thought that in doing so I am hiding my penis from sight
I am not well endowed when flaccid but feel much more adequate when erect and I also consider my self as an exhibitionist
I use prostitutes about 4 to 6 times a year, but if I go to a brothel after say 4 months and leave without engaging a prostitute then I don't feel the urge to return in any immediate future
I always feel guilty and ashamed, degraded, disgusted and angry when I have used a prostitute
I am in a longtime loving sexually satisfying relationship but I also Lust after women in the public places
I feel that I could be sub consciously be selecting images of girls that I would select and it could be that when this reaches a certain level that I need to expose myself and get sexual release from a stranger ( a prostitute)
Finally I am a compulsive masturbator , who has increased in frequency over around the last 1 to 2 years
I never masturbate thinking of any other than my wife and actual memorable lovemaking instances
I cannot recall any sexual trauma in my childhood but I do know that my life has been dominated by females and I have no problem with that, indeed it is my preference Masturbation has become almost a ritual and is triggered by the habit and time
Another trigger is my desire to be and see and be seen whilst erect

The Exhibitionism triggers are opportunity and possibly again the feeling that I need to be seen whilst erect and by a different woman each time

The Lusting after women could be triggered by me unconsciously training myself to select the right girls for my visits to the brothel

The Prostitution is triggered by time / opportunity possibly stress with the need to show myself to a stranger because I have "collected " images of innocent objects (victims) in my head, I have allowed these practices to ruin my life but I will not allow them to become my life
I need to and will break this circle of destruction
I mentioned the last two visits to a prostitute these were only 3 weeks apart and the second to last was the first time that the sex had not been in missionary, it was also the first time that I enjoyed the sex although I still suffered with the usual after effect feelings
the last time was me going for anal sex but settling for vaginal sex
the prostitute degraded and abused me by pushing a finger(s) into my anus
my activity had increased in frequency and risk.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2010 5:52 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Location: UK
My open letter to my wife (with an afterthought)
When I started on this journey I asked myself if I had / have an addiction or not, was I simply using this label as an excuse for my behavioural actions, was I hiding behind a label?
I still don’t know, but I do know that I have been acting out compulsive rituals both healthily and un healthily, examples being:
Masturbation
Touching myself
Exhibitionism
Prostitution
Voyeurism or scanning
Work
Emails
Punctuality
Washing my hair / showering
Travelling
Reading newspapers
Drinking
And this list could go on
I recognise that examination and resolution of my “addiction” could also become compulsive, thus replacing one ritual with another, but I am now guarded against that because I am aware of it.
To me awareness is one of the main keys to a healthy life going forwards, awareness that my compulsions harm me and those around me so they cannot be allowed to continue, awareness that emotional decisions usually lead to short term immediate gratification whereas value based decisions usually lead to a better life within the boundaries of myself and those around me.
Awareness that I have a problem and that only I can deal with it. Awareness that dealing with it is not a quick fix, will not be easy, but is achievable. Awareness that I cannot simply deal with my problems on a one day at a time basis, that will never lead to a love or trust in myself, it should also cement my resolve to not accept that a single slip would be acceptable.
Awareness of the deep hurt that I have caused and that the recovery of you my wife, your security and your future happiness all take precedence over anything and everything
Awareness that truth is paramount and that it is understandable that you do not believe or trust me.
Awareness of the guilt that I carry around with me, guilt that was further fuelled by my denials and lies
Awareness of the bond between you and me that has lead to the tolerance you have shown leading to us still being “together” today, Awareness that this situation is fluid and that you could, and most likely will, decide to rebuild your life without me. Awareness that I will be eternally grateful to you for everything, even for making me face the pain of admitting what I had become and for providing that guidance which has set me onto this journey
Lets now go back to the beginning
My four (main) unhealthy compulsive disorders, I believe that they are all related and although they are all sexual rituals I don’t think that they are focused on sex, I think that they are all focused on attention, or the seeking of attention, let’s examine each of them:
Watching women, maybe I have been doing this all my life from childhood without realisation of it, maybe I have been noticing attractive females in the hope that they will also notice me, maybe it is a practice that I started in puberty when I was becoming aware of the fair sex but was too insecure to make actual contact, so I substituted this with my virtual contact, I look at them and maybe they respond by appearing to have an attraction for me no matter how fleetingly, or maybe they looked back and thought “what a stupid spotty insignificant boy, why is he looking at me”. Either way would it matter? No I would have been getting that same attention that I craved for, yes fleeting attention but attention nonetheless, and even fleeting attention builds into something meaningful if there are enough of these events.
Could it be that it simply was a ritual that I was unaware of and that I just continued with it as I became old and should have know better, because I was un aware of it. Is it possible that I have tended to pick out younger women,( if I did so as you claim) because this is those that I used as images in my initial healthy masturbation, or are they less worldly wise and less cynical so that they are more likely to notice being noticed, thus more likely to respond by “paying me that attention back”

My masturbation, this started in early puberty and was a normal function of growing up i.e. it was healthy. I masturbated viewing images of models taken from men’s glossy magazines, again all quite normal and healthy, I had very little intimacy and certainly none of a sexual nature with girls and attended dances but most usually ”failed to pull” so I would go home and find comfort and solace in my masturbation at least I was paying attention to myself.
I believe that the process of going out mingling on the fringes in girls company, expecting to get attention but never doing so in itself became something of a ritual, a compulsion that could always be remedied at the end of the day by masturbation, remember my model images never let me down.
After my first sexual intimacy I was hurt and felt damaged losing the attention that I had been given so my reliance on my own hand became the norm.
Similarly the inducement of pre marital sex with my first wife was, in my perception removed, although in truth it was simply controlled and on her terms only, this returned me to masturbation which quickly turned into a ritual. A ritual that gave me the comfort and attention that had once again been taken away from me. This ritual became ingrained into me and the value of it became part of me, I knew that if I needed relief I could have it and that in itself was comforting, I was hooked but thought that it was normal so I never gave it a thought regarding harm or negativity. It was part of my daily routine just like cleaning my teeth or washing my hair that is to say normality. The frequency of my masturbation has increased over the last couple of years, I have had an increase of work related stress in that period, but I cannot perceive that I have being receiving less attention during that period although you have spent many hours on the web, but we were together, is this an indication that through the habituation I needed more masturbation in order to maintain the same level of “comforting”?

My exhibitionism, I guess that I stumbled upon this by accident at the early outset of puberty, or maybe even earlier?
Maybe playing doctors and nurses I realised how the girls anatomy got my attention so concluded that my anatomy would get theirs, the seed was sewn but in itself the attention was short lived and matter of fact, girls in my junior school could see into the boys toilet so seeing a penis was not that big a deal
However when I realised that when a penis is “different” ie erect then it definitely drew attention, again providing me with that comfort .
I went through the whole of my senior school life wearing the same shorts for sport that I got as an eleven year old, these shorts got me attention in the summer when at 17 the outline of my genitalia were there for all of the girls to notice
I went through adolescence and into adulthood looking out for opportunities to get my clothes off and / or to accidentally expose myself, one example is that when I played soccer or went running through the streets I never wore underpants beneath my shorts.
The exhibiting in front of prostitutes was, on reflection, an inspired piece of thinking so much so I wonder if I worked this out or if again I stumbled upon it by accident, but look what it gave me, close attention to my flaccid and then erect penis, ideal no risk of arrest, close up attentiveness without any effort and without fear or chance of rejection.
This leads me onto the prostitution. This started out of curiosity plus the need again for attentiveness, it gave me attention on my terms, as the prostitute had no choice but to pay me attention as we were the only two present and it was what she was being paid to do.
In my exhibitionistic mind I was naked with an erection looking at close range at a captive woman, whilst she was not only seeing me but touching my erection and bringing about sexual release, which upon orgasm gave me physical and visual sensory stimulation.
As said previously, in the main I opted for hand relief, but if the HR was poor I went for intercourse. On reflection I ask how would it be possible to have a “bad” HR?
In pure mechanical terms it is a simple repetitive action that stimulates an organ causing a chain reaction of increased blood flow, increased rate of breathing and then ejaculation and whatever chemical release that occurs at that point of no return, so there cannot be a bad HR. So why did I switch to sex? Because I was not enjoying the HR. How can it be possible to not be enjoying HR? Because she was not paying me the attention that I wanted.
How could I ensure that she was paying me attention? By getting inside her and as hard and as fast as I could use her body to bring that release whilst looking into her eyes, drawing that attentiveness out of her.
Without exception each time I visited a prostitute I was immediately overcome by remorse and racked by guilt, did this give me excuse to masturbate myself to give me comfort and so the cycle becomes complete?
So am I an addict and does that really matter, I acted wrongly over a long time, people got seriously hurt and I need to change my life
Why did I need attention? Because we all do we like to be seen, heard, actually listened to it is a human trait. Did I get the attention that I needed as a child or not? That does not actually natter it is sufficient that I perceive that I did not, and this was probably both inside and outside of the home. My mother was the head of the household and I don’t really remember much of her in my early childhood, maybe she was too busy keeping the family organised and together, my father was all of the time at work, so yes it is possible that attention indeed affection could have be in short supply. Additionally I was in a class of 6 until I was 11. I was the biggest boy, the most sporty of us all and the brightest. I was the only one who went to grammar school and was considered as being special. When I arrived at my new school I was one of 33 in the class and there was 4 classes in my year, here I was not at all special, I was removed from my friends being an “out of towner” I was somewhat isolated, I certainly did not receive the attention that perhaps I had become accustomed from at my previous school, so maybe I made my own special relationship with my penis, and the catalyst for my problems for today were born.

From whom did I need attention? Well I guess from those around me who were close to me. Examples would be friends and family so I guess that this was missing in my early life and so I adapted my way of dealing with it and giving myself that attention and comfort that I sought out
When did I really feel that I got attention? The day that I met and fell in love with you, the best day in my life, I received so much more than attention I received true deep meaningful love, affection and friendship. For the first time in my life I was happy.
I put my compulsions behind me and felt no need or desire to act out , masturbate, exhibit indeed my life and my sexuality were clean, complete and totally healthy I was reborn
I received all the attention that anyone could possibly want or need, you gave yourself to me without reservation and I dropped everyone and everything in my life because I was so absorbed in you and in our love.
Then came B***** I got drunk and I made the biggest mistake of my life
After B****** my perspective on the way that you regarded me changed. I was no longer appreciated the way that I had been before, I had made a mistake a very serious and personal mistake and so quite justifiably I was punished for it and I was no longer an equal part of that relationship. The relationship meant everything to me and my life and emotions were turned upside down and inside out. I was in hell.
Maybe I concentrated too much on the love as an entity, something that in my previous 40 some years that I had never had or known, maybe I should have been more focussed and attentive towards the lady in that love, you as a woman. Maybe I was selfish. Maybe that is what is needed if we are to have a future together in whatever form that it takes?
Maybe I felt that I was no longer getting all of the attention that I received previously, maybe you realised that I was not your dream and that I was and am fallible, maybe it was in my imagination but I believe that you spent more time on the phone and then on the computer or maybe you had new friends at work or maybe .......................... I could go on but are all of these maybes only in my head or am I lining them up as excuses , no I will not do that, the fault the blame and the responsibility all lie with me and it is me that needs to make amends for them

I returned to my compulsive rituals and I cannot remember how , where or when it happened but I believe that I returned once more to comfort myself and to provide myself with the positive attention that I had clung onto so dearly in the previous 5 or so years. I fell back into auto pilot and admit that I had only myself to blame, all addicts claim to be powerless in the process and blame the addiction but we all have free will and I guess it was simply easier to act out (it was hurting no one and I could stop at any time) than to actually stop. But now I know that it was hurting some one it was hurting me and you and our son and all of those around us, and no I could not simply stop at any time, I was getting something out of it even though it brought me guilt. It was the easy path and I was weak and selfish
It took something of enormous proportions to shake my very existence in order for me to realise what I was doing and how it was hurting, that was the being found out and that as devastating as it was has given me tremendous relief and renewed hope and resolve, that is how I know that I will not falter on my path to recovery.
Now what if I am wrong?
What if it is not getting attention that is the trigger. What if I am making it fit because you and me both need to have answers?
Well firstly I am not making it fit for convenience I genuinely believe that it is true, add to that that it does fit without the need for manipulation, leads me to conclude that it must be in the mid nineties % of the likelihood of being the correct deduction but of course there are always other possibilities and perhaps it is more than one factor.
Could it be stress induced?
Or loneliness, or boredom, or frustration, or anger, or jealousy, or self pity, or selfishness, or self perpetuating guilt , or ............................
I could go on but there is no need
I believe that it was triggered by the need for attention and so I will seek out healthy ways of receiving that attention and will re focus my life onto the positives, I will be very aware that I can set my values with a life of experience behind me, knowing at first hand the differences between the good and the bad , the right and the wrong , the truth and the deceit
I have removed the “play the excuse”card from my options, I am aware that I still need to learn and master the art and / or practice of urge control, but I am sufficiently aware of the consequences of getting on the wrong path again, and have sufficient self belief and resolve that I will not be that “ticking bomb”
Let’s look at other possibilities. If it was not driven by seeking attention what else could it be?
Maybe I simply am a male slut? But if that were the case surely I would act on my “lusting” I would flirt with my victims trying to become sexually acquainted with them, I would surely have had or at least been tempted to have had affairs and one night stands.
I would have always had sex with the prostitutes and I would have always have had them naked and I would have experimented across the whole spectrum of sexual experience.
I would not have been plagued with the premature ejaculation and I presume that I actually would have become good at sex, something that I definitely am not. The only art that I am in your words good at is giving oral and that would just be to dangerous to learn outside of a loving trusting meaningful relationship, I maybe be good at it because I know your body and it reactions to my tongue, this takes love to gain that level of experience.
Finally I would have needed to actually enjoy the sex otherwise I would have found it elsewhere. I would have manipulated opportunities to meet with female sluts and would have had sex at every opportunity. Finally I would not have been able to feel and show the depth of the love that I share with you.

Maybe it is the variety that turns me on? Once more I would have always had sex with the prostitutes and I would have always have had them naked and I would have experimented across the whole spectrum of sexual experience, but you believe that I did
Again I would have manipulated opportunities to meet with any females and would have had sex at every opportunity.
Finally I would not have been able to feel and show the depth of the love that I share with you, I would have not been excited by you and your body to the degree that I as a nearly 60 year old can become erect just by laying next to you and can leak semen just by holding and touching you and can ejaculate simply by kissing you
You excite me to the point of no return and we have been lovers for 16 years
I love you, I am so sorry that I have hurt you, I will not put you under any more pain and I will not pressure you to make any decision, you will do that in your own way and in your own time
I will keep the promises that I have made to you , all of them as I have been doing since just after out return from North Wales
I beg for the time and effort required for me to be able to repay you for your love, the chance to rebuild our lives and for your eventual forgiveness
I love you and I always will no matter what
My afterthought
Reflecting the B**** incident
I was close upto a stranger, a woman and in a drunken stupor ,did I perceive that she was paying me attention, did that attention trigger a reaction which through long forgotten but deep seated and ingrained compulsion lead to sexual arousal ?
Through my drunkenness and loss of inhibition did I then cave in crossing my boundary, which eventually returned me to my compulsive behaviour?
How can I ensure that this does not happen again?
By ensuring that I build strong values with strong boundaries and recognise that by going against them I am actually going against myself, I admit my failings and make no excuses for them nor for the things that I have done, however now with full awareness and with no “excuse card” to play I realise that one future “slip” would be my total destruction
I will not be a ticking bomb


Last edited by Kenzo on Wed Mar 16, 2011 1:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2010 5:54 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3355
Location: UK
My life vision
The vision I have for my life from this day going forwards is that I want to have that life. I will control my life as is best possible within the confines of society, I will not have my sexual addictions control me , my life and that of my family.
I will lead and live a fulfilling life and for the moment accept that this will be on a day by day basis leading to improved self confidence and increased self (and others mainly my wife)assurance that I can be trusted, never to return to the old me, controlled by my personal demons.
I will police myself recognising that the journey will not be short but will become easier with time whereupon my self policing will simply become a normal function of life as it is within societies
I strive to know who and what I am, what I was, and more importantly what I can become
I am at a crossroads in my life and I realise that should I take the wrong turn, then I will never achieve the target as set out above and I will never be happy, fulfilled or contented
What is contentment? I dont want to be content that I have no targets or ambitions, but I will seek contentment in the way that I am reaching for and achieving my targets
I aim to like the person that I am, but not enough for that persona having no need to strive to become the better man, self improvement is a moving target and so long as it remains target then the ambition is still alight.
I aim to be true to myself and to my wife and family and finally to society, the old selfishness will be banished to the annals of history
I will express and not suppress my emotions, once again this will initially be a day to day target, until it finally becomes the norm, I will then reflect upon the emotional cripple that I have left behind and rejoice in the doing so
I strive for the love and the passion that I enjoyed in the early years of my marriage prior to returning to the use of prostitutes
Love that is total and personal, passionate fulfilling and complete . Love that contains but is not consumed by sex
Love of just being and seeing and sitting together not having to worry about anything that may be said or done, love built on the foundations of the day that we met. Love not jeopardised by lust and lies, love simple , straight and honest, a fantastic place to be.
I aim for pleasure in Leisure together, life that allows sufficient reserves and resources that my wife and I can simply enjoy each other with no regrets and no compromise, a fun place that we all deserve to have and to be in.
I wish to be financially stable with sufficient security to enjoy life now and into my retirement, to be able to ensure that my wife hss that security when I finally pass over.
I aim to and will achieve an improved work / life balance. Work is important as it provides me with the means to live and to provide security for my family, but it is only a job.
My priorities have and are changing and I intend that they continue to do so
I want to smile, see my wife smile and splash in the surf as I imagined the innocent 5 year old boy that I once was, did to his heart’s content.
I want to be free of fear and self doubt and will on a day by day basis achieve this.

Lesson three
From my vision of my future life I have or will adopt:
Ambition to take control of my life
Ambition to control my addiction
Strength and resolve to control and beat my addiction
Courage to face my addiction
Courage to acknowledge my faults
Recognition of the value of society
Respect for myself
Respect for my family
Realisation that life is fulfilling
Acceptance that change takes time
Acceptance that change takes effort
Acceptance that change is required and must be permanent
Strengthening my will day by day success by success
Improving my confidence
Realisation that time is a healer
Realisation that policing is not normal but is required
Acceptance that I am worthy
Acceptance that I have value
Acceptance that drastic improvement requires drastic change
Acceptance that I have my own decisions to make
Acceptance that decisions can be wrong and that they have a price but decisions can be changed or reversed
Realisation that I want to be happy again
Realisation that I want to be fulfilled
Setting of realistic targets
The need to like who I am but not enough not to want to change
Strive for continual improvement
Ambition is important
Ambitions can be achieved
Moving forwards bring encouragement and success breeds success
I need to be truthful and true to myself
I need to be truthful and true to my wife
I need to be truthful and true to my family
I need to be truthful and true to society
I accept that I have emotions and they should be expressed
I recall the emotional cripple that I was when I started this quest
I rejoice in freedom of emotional expression
I know and understand love
I need love
I need to love, love that is personal and total
I accept that love is not sex but sex is a small part of love
Love is precious
Honesty is non negotiable
Love is passionate and fulfilling sex alone is not
Love needs foundations and should be built upon daily
Love should not be jeopardised by lust or lies
Love is complex yet really so simple it cannot be compromised
Life should be fun
Love cannot be bought or bargained with
Leisure is important
Doing things together with my wife is sacrosanct
Sharing life more than doubles the pleasure
Security matters but only by degree and not at the cost of personal relationships
Life is finite but live it whilst you are able
We are all Gods children so we are all worthy
Life and work is a difficult balance but it is important that work does not take control
My priorities needed to change and I am changing them
I strive for some of the innocence I had as a boy
I can and will be free from fear and self doubt
Selfishness is unacceptable and selflessness brings greater rewards


Pursued values from the list that I accept but missed in my life vision:
Meaning: Pursuing a reason for your existence--spirituality, progeny, self-awareness, etc.
Intimacy: Sharing a special trust and vulnerability with another human being
Health: Maintaining optimum physical and mental health
Order: Having an organized plan for your life, even if that plan includes spontaneity
1. Strengthening my role as a son
2. Strengthening my role as a brother
3. Strengthening my role as father and grandfather
4. Strengthening my role as a co worker
5. Being an inspiration to others
6. Being dedicated
7. Showing appreciation towards others
8. Being charitable, giving
9. Developing intellectual depth
10. Expressing spirituality in my day-to-day life
11. Enhancing my spiritual awareness
12. Integrating religion into my day-to-day life
13. Bringing joy to others
14. Humbleness
15. Sense of humour
16. Being challenged; overcoming challenges
17. Competition
18. Developing sustained friendships
19. Encouraging my wife's independence
20. Being respected
21. Being judged trustworthy
22. Being a survivor
23. Companionship
24. Fidelity
25. Walking the same path as equals
26. Sexual intimacy
27. Intellectual growth, debate, communication
28. Communicating feelings
29. Experienced in conflict resolution
30. Taking care of others in need
31. Respecting Mother Earth
32. Open-minded to the beliefs and values of others, tolerance
Values from my dark side:

Prostitutes do not provide love or even satisfying sex
Women are not objects
Women should be respected and not feared
Masturbation suppresses emotion
Habitual masturbation can become a ritual and harmful
Sex with prostitutes does affect and destroy the lives of those we love including our own
Exhibitionism is unhealthy as is sex outside of marriage
Unhealthy sex will always be just that unhealthy
Quick fixes are not long term
Lies and deceit become harmful habits and lies will catch up and destroy you
Control of oneself is more important than control over others
Cheating with another is cheating on oneself and ones partner
Sex without love is sinful and damaging
Bad habits are easy to get into but not so easy to get out of


Lesson day 4 priorities:

1 Sex with prostitutes does affect and destroy the lives of those we love including our own
2 Lies and deceit become harmful habits and lies will catch up and destroy you
3 Ambition to take control of my life. control my addiction and to beat my addiction
4 Respect for myself and for my family
5 Acceptance that change takes time takes effort is required and must be permanent
6 Strengthening my will day by day success by success and improving my confidence
7 The need to like who I am but not enough not to want to change and to strive for continual improvement
8 I need to be truthful and true to my wife my family and myself
9 I accept that I have emotions and they should be expressed
10 I accept that love is not sex but sex is a small part of love I need to love, love that is personal and total
11 Honesty is non negotiable
12 Love is passionate and fulfilling sex alone is not Love needs foundations and should be built upon daily
13 Love should not be jeopardised by lust or lies Love cannot be bought or bargained with
14 Selfishness is unacceptable and selflessness brings greater rewards
15 Prostitutes do not provide love or even satisfying sex
16 Women are not objects , Women should be respected and not feared
17 Cheating with another is cheating on oneself and ones partner, Sex without love is sinful and damaging
18 My priorities needed to change and I am changing them Life and work is a difficult balance but it is important that work does not take control
19 Life should be fun Leisure is important Doing things together with my wife is sacrosanct
20 Fidelity. Sexual intimacy Intellectual growth, debate, communication Communicating feelings




Lesson day 5 revised priorities:

1 Sex with prostitutes does affect and destroy the lives of those we love including our own
2 Lies and deceit become harmful habits and lies will catch up and destroy you Honesty is non negotiable
3 Ambition to take control of my life. control my addiction and to beat my addiction Strengthening my will day by day success by success and improving my confidence
4 Respect for myself and for my family
5 Acceptance that change takes time takes effort is required and must be permanent
6 The need to like who I am but not enough not to want to change and to strive for continual improvement
7 I accept that I have emotions and they should be expressed
8 I accept that love is not sex but sex is a small part of love I need to love, love that is personal and total
9 Love is passionate and fulfilling sex alone is not Love needs foundations and should be built upon daily
10 Love should not be jeopardised by lust or lies Love cannot be bought or bargained with
11 Selfishness is unacceptable and selflessness brings greater rewards
12 Women are not objects , Women should be respected and not feared
13 Cheating with another is cheating on oneself and ones partner, Sex without love is sinful and damaging
14 My priorities needed to change and I am changing them Life and work is a difficult balance but it is important that work does not take control
15 Life should be fun Leisure is important Doing things together with my wife is sacrosanct



Lesson 6 pro active planning
I am unsure that any of my values are simple but I take the following three



Acceptance that change takes time takes effort is required and must be permanent

Women are not objects , Women should be respected and not feared

Life should be fun Leisure is important, doing things together with my wife is sacrosanct


1 Life should be fun Leisure is important, doing things together with my wife is sacrosanct

Set down a list of activities that I consider to be fun and that can be done by two people
Eliminate the ones associated with sex
Have my wife do the same
Combine the two lists including all that we both agree upon
Prioritorise that list
Determine where these activities can be carried out and what is involved
Undertake at least one new activity each week
Include previously jointly enjoyed activities so long as they continue to be enjoyed
Add new activities that are found whist undertaking the activities on the list
Be honest


Last edited by Kenzo on Wed Mar 16, 2011 4:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2010 5:55 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3355
Location: UK
Lesson 6 pro active planning
I am unsure that any of my values are simple but I take the following three



Acceptance that change takes time takes effort is required and must be permanent

Women are not objects , Women should be respected and not feared

Life should be fun Leisure is important, doing things together with my wife is sacrosanct


1 Life should be fun Leisure is important, doing things together with my wife is sacrosanct

Set down a list of activities that I consider to be fun and that can be done by two people
Eliminate the ones associated with sex
Have my wife do the same
Combine the two lists including all that we both agree upon
Prioritorise that list
Determine where these activities can be carried out and what is involved
Undertake at least one new activity each week
Include previously jointly enjoyed activities so long as they continue to be enjoyed
Add new activities that are found whist undertaking the activities on the list
Be honest and should an activity become “not fun” drop it
Set aside 30 minutes a day specifically talking about fun things
Laugh together at silly stories


2 Women are not objects , Women should be respected and not feared

Look at women as people not as objects with sexual reference
Note the occasions when I look twice at the same woman and determine why
Consider how I would feel if another man looked twice at my wife
Write down these events and discuss them with my wife
When I am together with my wife and I see an attractive woman or man vocalise this to my wife and analyse if there is some sexual connection and see if a pattern forms
Talk for 30 minutes a day with my wife on feminine subjects
Talk to my wife about women’s feelings and reaction to given situations
Read women’s magazine articles
Talk to more women
Don’t start to flirt with women
Make women friends
Try to understand women’s feeling , thoughts ideals



3 Acceptance that change takes time takes effort is required and must be permanent

List everything that I can about my character
Highlight the things that I want / need to change
Compare the things to change against those that I am happy with
Discuss the list with my wife
Prioritorise and categorise the list targeting the easy quick fix and rapid improvement ones plus the major long term ones
Hit the quick fixes in batches; maintain the discipline of keeping the fixes fixed
Set out milestones and short achievable targets for the major long term items
Discuss with my wife
Asses on a weekly basis ( time scale can be adjusted if required later) my own view and my wife’s view on each of the major items, maintain the discipline of keeping the fixes fixed
Monitor and note my feeling towards myself as things change be brutally honest
Note any negatives and discuss reasons with my wife




4 Sex with prostitutes does affect and destroy the lives of those we love including our own

Consider and write down the destructive effect on the lives of
Myself
My wife
My son
My family
My friends ( have I any)

Discuss these lists
Determine the extent of the damage done
Express complete remorse to all involved
Seek help with the issue of frequenting prostitutes
Determine the hooks involved
Determine the triggers involved
Vocalise these to those concerned
Advise my wife (and counsellor) should I feel the urge
Promise myself daily that I will not return to prostitutes
Congratulate myself daily for not returning
Monitor the improvement in self respect





5 Lies and deceit become harmful habits and lies will catch up and destroy you honesty is non negotiable
Analyse why I was lying about
Frequenting prostitutes
Habitual Masturbation
Lusting after women
Exhibitionism
Vocalise the truths of all of these with my wife
Discuss the damage caused to my wife with her
Discuss the damage caused to myself with my wife
Set aside 30 minutes a day to be open and frank with my wife about both of our lives and how we feel that day
Never lie again
Feel remorse
Question myself at the end of each day “did I lie”?
Question myself at the end of each day “did I tell the truth”?
If the answer is no ask why and discuss with my wife

6 Ambition to take control of my life. control my addiction and to beat my addiction Strengthening my will day by day success by success and improving my confidence

Follow the recovery nation exercises
Analyse my addictions
Discuss my addictions with my wife and counsellor
Set out my life vision
Discuss this with my wife
Consider and write down the destructive effect on the lives of
Myself
My wife
My son
My family
My friends ( have I any)

Discuss these lists
Determine the extent of the damage done
Express complete remorse to all involved
Seek help with the issue of frequenting prostitutes
Determine the hooks involved
Determine the triggers involved
Vocalise these to those concerned
Advise my wife (and counsellor) should I feel the urge
Promise myself daily that I will not return to prostitutes
Congratulate myself daily for not returning
Monitor the improvement in self respect
Set myself achievable targets
Write down my successes
Face upto and discuss my failures
Talk openly to people
Meet new people
Put myself in low risk circumstances where I can talk and thus gain confidence
Join a group of self minded (non sexual) people where I can gain confidence
Examine and discuss situations that make me nervous and use these to improve



7 Respect for myself and for my family

List down my positive attributes
List my negative attributes
List my achievements
List my failings
Get my wife to list my negative attributes and compare with my own list
Analyse what attributes did I use for my successes
Set myself achievable targets
Look at the attributes of the family
Set down any reason why they should not be respected
Show more interest in all that my family does
Take it step by step


8 The need to like who I am but not enough not to want to change and to strive for continual improvement
List down my positive attributes
List my negative attributes
List my achievements
List my failings
Get my wife to list my negative attributes and compare with my own list
Analyse what attributes did I use for my successes
Set myself achievable targets
Look at how I can help others and note the doing feeling when doing so
Remove selfishness from my life
Make more friends
Show more interest in others
Take it step by step


9 I accept that I have emotions and they should be expressed

List emotions
Reflect on the last time I expressed each emotion
Analyse what brought on that emotion
Reflect on the frequency of reflection of each emotion
Reflect on the frequency of events that triggered particular emotions
Reflect each day on emotions that I have expressed and my associated feelings
Reflect each day on emotions that I have suppressed and my associated feelings
Spend 2 half hours per week discussing that weeks emotions with my wife
When I feel the need to express but choose not to do analyse the consequences



10 I accept that love is not sex but sex is a small part of love I need to love, love that is personal and total

Write down what constitutes love
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Using a rationalised list Prioritorise the importance of each factor
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Analyse why I need love
Analyse why I need sex
Make loving gestures to my wife every day
Make love with my wife as often as she will allow without having sex
Talk openly about love sex and feelings
Become at one with love




11 Love is passionate and fulfilling sex alone is not Love needs foundations and should be built upon daily

Write down what constitutes love
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Using a rationalised list Prioritorise the importance of each factor
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Analyse why I need love
Analyse why I need sex
Analyse the difference between fulfilling and unfullfing sex
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Make loving gestures to my wife every day
Make love with my wife as often as she will allow without having sex
Talk openly about love sex and feelings
If we have sex ask was it fulfilling and if not why not
Learn from that
Become at one with love

12 Love should not be jeopardised by lust or lies Love cannot be bought or bargained with

Write down what constitutes love
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Using a rationalised list Prioritorise the importance of each factor
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Write down what constitutes honesty
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Using a rationalised list Prioritorise the importance of each factor
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Set aside 30 minutes a day to be open and frank with my wife about both of our lives and how we feel that day
Never lie again
Feel remorse
Question myself at the end of each day “did I lie”?
Question myself at the end of each day “did I tell the truth”?
If the answer is no ask why and discuss with my wife
Never put conditions on love
Never bargain for love or sex
Accept that love and sex are co joined but are not equals
Accept that sex is conditional of love
Accept that love is not conditional of sex
Look at women as people not as objects with sexual reference
Note the occasions when I look twice at the same woman and determine why
Consider how I would feel if another man looked twice at my wife
Write down these events and discuss them with my wife
When I am together with my wife and I see an attractive woman or man vocalise this to my wife and analyse if there is some sexual connection and see if a pattern forms
Talk for 30 minutes a day with my wife on feminine subjects
Talk to my wife about women’s feelings and reaction to given situations
Read women’s magazine articles
Talk to more women
Don’t start to flirt with women
Make women friends
Try to understand women’s feeling , thoughts ideals








13 Selfishness is unacceptable and selflessness brings greater rewards

List all the areas of my life where I have been selfish
Get my wife to do the same on my behalf
Compare the lists
Using a rationalised list discuss the effect of my selfishness

Take the major selfish acts that I have done in the last 10 years a minimum of 10 events and plot an alternative outcome for each, compare with reality
Stop and think every time I have selfish thoughts
Discuss with my wife any selfish thought
Ask my wife to highlight any deeds that she sees me doing that tend towards selfishness
Think of others first
Do thing freely for others



14 Cheating with another is cheating on oneself and ones partner, Sex without love is sinful and damaging

List out everything that I have cheated in
Have my wife do the same on my behalf
Compare the lists
Rationalise the lists
Determine who gets hurt when I cheat
Stop and think every time I have thoughts related to cheating
Discuss with my wife any cheating thought
Ask my wife to highlight any deeds that she sees me doing that tend towards cheating
Analyse why I need love
Analyse why I need sex
Make loving gestures to my wife every day
Make love with my wife as often as she will allow without having sex
Talk openly about love sex and feelings
Become at one with love



15 My priorities needed to change and I am changing them Life and work is a difficult balance but it is important that work does not take control

List my lifes priorities as they have been
From my life ambition list my priorities as they need to be
Prioritorise these action plans
Set aside time every day to commit to these action plans
Set aside time each day to reflect on my life that day and where different priorities might have made a better day
Look at my life / work balance
Take regular breaks from work
Make my working day disciplined but always leave room for life when interruptions occur
Make life priority over work but ensure that work gets done


Lesson 9 out of couples
What if my wife had done everything I have done what would I want?
I believe initially I would have exploded in temper and left the marital home, and have her stay away from me. I believe that as our love is so strong that I would have then returned and probably apologised for acting the way that I had
I would then want to know everything every little detail, I would probably want re enactment which I know would be un healthy for me but I would have wanted to feel the pain and see the guilt.
I would want to know why and I would be desperate to know what I had done wrong.
I would want to know and be totally assured that she loves me and I would be looking for signs of doubt
I would need her to provide proof of everything in our lives
I would need the absolute truth
I would expect to see extreme effort towards reconciliation
I would want payback and would probably give her a hard time
I would want her to show and prove her love
I would want her to see and suffer my pain
I would want her to seek help and commit to becoming herself again
I would demand open communication
I would expect her to tell me what she wants
I would expect to see her strive towards getting what she wants
I would want her to be happy
I would expect remorse
I would want her to accept the things that she had done and then to turn back to the person that she really is, letting history make its mark but not prevent her from moving forwards

Exercise 10
I have considered and know that there is still one lie that is still being perpetuated in my life. Who am I deceiving. ( myself) Why am I deceiving myself because I need the hope that I will retain the love of my wife



Consider the 'risks' of coming clean There is no risk of coming clean

I am involved in a partnership, I am not willing to jeopardize the future of that relationship by maintaining any deception;
I am involved in professional coaching (or outside counseling), I am willing to deceive those whom I am working with. I am fully committed to ending my addiction. I am not choosing to 'go through the motions', rather than actively pursue real change.

My list of all the places where I have items stashed for sexually compulsive behaviour.

2 to 3 Porn Videos: in my wife’s wardrobe

My list of all the people that I used as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object.

Prostitutes for exhibitionism
Prostitutes for sex
Prostitutes: for masturbation
Strange women for exhibitionism


My list of all the places where I go to act out sexually/romantically compulsive behaviour.

Brothels for exhibitionism
Brothels for voyeurism
Brothels for masturbation
Brothels for sex
Internet: surf for porn
Shopping centres for voyeurism
Hotels for exhibitionism

Exercise 12:
I. Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to an unhealthy recovery. Post these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or Recovery Manager.
I joined the workshop to solidify an already advancing recovery—and the first two weeks of the workshop have been giving pure hope and have been done with enthusiasm

I have been working through the lessons with sincerity and passion, believe that I will not lose that initial commitment that they I made

I previously minimised my behaviour (e.g. "It's not how it seems"; "It's not that big of a deal.") but not any longer

I see life in episodes--with beginnings and endings--rather than as a process.my past life is closed and over
I measure the success of my recovery through abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction.
I tend to hyper analyse my actions, thoughts and feelings...which make the possibility of living a "normal" life more difficult.
My relationship tends to be selfish, focusing on the "addict", more so than the partnership. But I am aware of this and am taking steps to change this



Exercise 13
I. Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to a healthy recovery. Post these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or Recovery Manager.

II. Consider the values that surround both your healthy and unhealthy patterns. Are they consistent with your current prioritized values? If yes, wonderful. If not, how might this awareness alter how you are currently perceiving/managing your recovery? Share your thoughts in the community forum.




Early Recovery: "Understanding/Recognizing the Behaviour"
• In early recovery, I have no significant doubts relating to my ability to change.
• In early recovery, I suffer extremely negative emotions: especially as they relate to depression, anxiety, hopelessness.

• In early recovery, I tend to explore many different trigger situations to see how well I can handle myself. To see "how far I have come".
• In early recovery, I tend to experience relief in having my behaviours understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life.


Exercise 14
Did I engage in any compulsive behaviour today?
If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved?
Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual?
If no, did I role play a past or possible future compulsive ritual to ingrain confidence in my ability to manage these rituals?

Did I initiate at least one meaningful conversation with my wife today?
If not, how many days has it been since I have?

Was I attentive to my wife's needs today?

Was I truthful in everything I shared with my wife today?

Did I follow through with everything that I said I was going to do today?

Did I maintain a conscious awareness of how emotionally connected I was with my wife

Did I roleplay at least one proactive action plan today?

How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at the moment?

Did I display non sexual love to my wife today

Did I carry myself as a person worthy of respect today?

Did I Talk openly about love sex and feelings?

Did I suppress any emotions today
If yes which ones and why

Did I think and act positively in a selfless way today

Did I talk openly about my past behaviour with my wife today


Exercise 15
I have learned so much and yet so little in the past two weeks
I have learned that I am on a long and difficult path but I am accompanied by someone who knows the way
I have learned that this journey can be achieved by taking each step in turn and remembering that the journey time does not matter
Mostly I have learned that open communication is paramount with myself and with those close to me
Honesty is the key
These are the things that I have put into daily practice and they are changing my life
I know the addiction controlled my life but I will not allow the recovery to do so
I will recover and I will be whole again



Exercise 16
I. Consider the POSITIVE role that addiction has played in your life. What purposes has it served (think short-term, not long)? Understanding the functional role of your addiction is important in removing the power, mystery and fear from that addiction. To begin seeing it in terms of practicality, rather than supernatural. Share a few positive aspects of your addiction in your recovery thread.
I have racked my brain and cannot see any positivity in my addiction and its role in my life
It has allowed me to exhibit my erection to maybe 100 / 125 women but where is the positive in that?
It has given me hand relief from some 70 women but where is the positive in that?
I have had sex with some 30 to 50 women but where is the positive in that?
I am not a man I am a brothel creeper
Exercise 16 re visited
Having progressed with the understanding and nature of my addiction I have re visited exercise 16
Although I feel nothing except shame and disgust when I consider the way that I have been living in my secret world I recognise now that my compulsive behaviour has given me some positives in life:
It has helped me to manage my emotions, certainly not in a healthy way but in a way that has got me through (or bought me time to get a resolve) periods of stress and tension even despair throughout my life
It has stopped me from exhibiting myself illegally which could have had very serious implications
It has kept me away from other addictions but I also recognise that I am compulsively tied into the ritual compulsiveness itself hence the reason that I have not accelerated the frequency of my visits or the intensity of the acts


Exercise 17
Looking at two compulsive behaviours of mine I assess the elements from the wheel of sexual compulsion
My Masturbation is connected to the following elements:
Orgasm, naturally one would think, but when the orgasm is not satisfactory then the element demands repetition which then becomes less satisfactory and the cycle repeats, I believe it is for this reason that I use prostitutes to effect the masturbation thus breaking the downward spiralling cycle.
Sensory
Touch I love the feeling in particular the commencement of the erection and then the really hardening and pumping motion just prior to ejaculation
Sight I love to watch the erection grow and the semen to arrive
Danger = being caught
Accomplishment when the orgasm is satisfactory – again this could be connected with the prostitution
Past reflection on historical accomplishments
Fantasy I always fantasise about intense sexual moments of sexual acts where I have totally sexually aroused and satisfied my wife
My visiting prostitutes is connected to the following elements:
Orgasm see above regarding the masturbation and the breaking of the cycle

Sensory
Touch I like to feel the hand around my hardening penis
Sight I enjoy to watch my erection and the woman’s face when she masturbates me
Danger – being caught. Failing to get erect, Failing to last or premature ejaculation
Suspense – will I take HR full sex or neither
Accomplishment Another victim, another un rejected sex, another completion of a cycle
Power, the timing the selection and the method are all in my control
Past – un rejected sex
Poly-addiction Addiction to the ritual itself
Fantasy I am not really in control she might be impressed by my erection (how crazy am I)

Exercise 18
I. Consider the following situations and see if you can identify the elements that make up each behaviour:


Sensory stimulation -- -- the visual attractiveness of the person; the visualization of his own genitalia; the visualization of watching the woman view his genitals; masturbation

Fantasy -- -- images of what the woman will think when viewing the pictures; possible illusions that the woman will see his genitals and be overcome with the desire to have sex with him

Suspense -- -- the uncertainty of whether or not show be the one to find the pictures

Power -- --; possessing the information of who she is, where she lives, and what type of car she drives

Orgasm -- -- Masturbating while taking the photos themselves;

Accomplishment -- -- experienced only if the ritual goes as planned, and the ejaculation occurs at the same time as the photo discovery
.


Part 2 looking at the filters for those two compulsion
My masturbation
Timing so that the orgasm matched my fantasy
Intensity – speed soft / hard pain
Habituation not really as the ritual itself has become compulsive
My visiting prostitutes
Time When to turn over
when / if to switch from HR to sex
can I last until the half hour is over (I never did)
Intensity if HR is not good I move on
If I made the wrong choice I move out
Habituation only to the ritual itself
The last twice changed that compulsion so probably habituation was to play a part if I continued with my practice



Exercise 19
Consider my feelings and emotions in stages of my day
Thursday 17th June
Working
Deadlines to meet, pressure to meet them. I don’t want to disappoint I want to be successful and feel appreciated
Waiting in the car for my wife
Loneliness, relief from being questioned, boredom, frustration at having nothing to do except wait, curiosity on whats happening in the meeting, tense waiting for the onslaught to start again
Driving
Resisting the possibility of looking at people, no escape from questioning, no time for thought or reflection
Dinner
Relaxed , enjoying time together, closeness with my wife, comfortable, aware of likelihood of accusations but not concerned
Friday 18th
Doctors
Relaxed, feeling of lost time, am I getting anything from this
Funeral
Emotional. Surrounded by friends, comfortable wishing my wife was at my side
Watching football
Frustrated by the performance, feeling of loneliness, feeling of selfishness feeling of losing time
Watching TV
being attacked, guilt, resigned to failure, tired
Saturday 19th
Cleaning fridge and changing tap
Comfortable, worthy, satisfaction
Watching football
Relaxed



Exercise 20

The compulsive actions that have developed into my addiction during the stages of my life
I have been sexually aware from pre puberty although sex was “hidden” in my upbringing and my initial knowledge came from the school playground
Love and emotion was not on view in my family
My earliest recollection of a sexual ritual was exhibiting my erect penis to girls in my early puberty, I guess that I started masturbation around that same time, masturbation was stimulated by pictures of naked models as I had no personal or intimate contact with the fair sex
I was somewhat lonely as a child as my school was away from my early and first friends, I was shy and moving into “the big world” affected my confidence, I had no experience with girls except being anything other than “other kids” I feared rejection and never had a girlfriend for that reason hence my masturbation saw me through my growing up
Maybe my exhibitionism was my way of hoping that girls would look at me in a way that I felt wanted and appreciated or maybe it was my pay back to them for my impression that they did not like or even notice insignificant me
I habitually masturbated through puberty and my first real sexual experience was in early adulthood.
I returned to masturbation ( I suppose I never left it) after my breakup with my first girlfriend, I then did not have any sexual contact except for kissing and touching of breasts until I met my first wife, sex with her was easy until we married although I did suffer from PE, I had continued to masturbate and exhibit myself
After we had children and sex was rationed I started to frequent massage parlours for HR
Some time passed and the habituation filter kicked in and I then used prostitutes for HR this was a safe outlet for my exhibitionism and it gave me a sexual kick, this gave me the emotional stimulation that I craved for in my loneliness
Again the habituation filter kicked in and the HR graduated to full sex with the prostitutes, this again gave me controls over chaotic emotion of building a career and raising a family ensuring that I never ventured to have affairs which would have put the family at risk.
It also made me more comfortable in the presence of women and increased my self confidence.
It was all an excuse for the chaos and relief from responsibility

I then met and fell in love (true un dying love) and all of my habits were forgotten including the masturbation, my sexual habits were healthy , fulfilling and complete.
Now my focus in life was love and only love
I then betrayed a trust in my wife and my opinion of how she saw me changed negatively and I returned to the habits in which order and exactly when I have no idea, but I had returned and can only imagine it was in order to manage my emotions
Now the guilt seriously kicked in and I was back in emotional trauma
Then in November of last year maybe there was another kick from the habituation factor and a definite step change in my compulsion.
It was at this point that my wife found out and after the serious trauma and pain came the great relief that the truth was out there, now my focus in on recovery but I will be guarded about becoming compulsive about my recovery
I have evaluated my actions on the wheel of sexual addiction and will continue to do so as time progresses

Compulsive actions that could affect my life in the future at future transitions
The future transitions that I am possibly likely to encounter are
My divorce
My retirement
Losing a parent(s)
Losing my wife
Taking the first three together.
Death of a parent would leave me shocked and at a loss and would induce loneliness and possibly the perception of additional family responsibility
Retirement could lead to boredom and loneliness plus feeling of worthlessness
My divorce would lead to loneliness plus feeling of worthlessness and of failure, the feeling of loss would be devastating
In all three cases it is possible that masturbation would creep back into my life as an emotion controller or killer equally I could turn to drink or pornography
The masturbation would gradually increase and in the event that the frequency made it impossible to achieve satisfactory orgasm then it could lead to a return to the prostitution
I would look for signs that the masturbation was unhealthy which would be when done when there was not a physical need, I would be concerned if the event was more frequent than say twice a month.
I would react badly to the recognition of the return of the practice and this would add to the stress making it more difficult to beat for the second time, I would believe that it was the thin end of the wedge and would be fearful of a total collapse into the deepest of pits
I would police myself and manage my stress in a healthy way making rationality my staff rather than emotion
I would fill my time with healthy fulfilling projects being mindful of exposing myself to the possibility of women watching in public arenas
The final split from my wife- this would bring me desperation, feelings of loss depression failure guilt and I would feel like giving up totally
The masturbation could return and the statements from above remain relevant
I would miss the extreme closeness and companionship and the sexual attraction and relief
I would feel that I had nothing else to lose hence the temptation to welcome back my compulsions would be much higher, this could break me completely if I succumbed to that temptation
The signs that I would watch for are those same signs that I have recognised in myself since starting out in this recovery programme and the actions I would take are the ones that I am now undertaking, additionally I would need to make a circle of friends and get a regular pattern of healthy activity into my life I would set myself daily , weekly and monthly goals and monitor my achievements


Last edited by Kenzo on Wed Mar 16, 2011 4:57 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2010 5:58 pm 
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Location: UK
Exercise 21
Two major goals I have failed with are being a good husband to my wife and a good father to my stepson
Why did I fail
I was too weak in that I gave in and took the easy way when my emotions were chaotic, too selfish in that at the beginning I concentrated on us as a couple rather than us as a family.
I left the discipline of our child in the hands of my wife because it was easier and it ensured that I would never be in a position where I would have conflict .
I was dishonest in that I should have told my wife about my compulsions when we met rather than accepting that I had no problems although this is what I thought at the time and indeed until very recently.
I suppose I also hid from difficulties by drinking
My life / work balance could also have been out of focus although I never thought so
Finally I am not exciting and tend towards being boring

A major goals I have succeeded with is my career
Why did I succeed
Decisions I made were based on logic not emotion
I am adaptable and in my work as opposed to my personal life confident and capable, I give professional satisfaction but not personal
In my early career I had the fear of failure and needed to ensure security for myself and my family later I became selfish with my career as it seemed like an oasis in a desert
In my second marriage my wife understood my work and supported and encouraged me giving me much appreciated advice and encouragement
My long tern goal is to have my wife display serious trust in me by the end of 2011
Breaking this down:
I will continue to be totally honest and upfront
I will admit and discuss any temptations as they happen and before they are acted upon
I will do all that I say that I will do and never say yes to anything that I am not sure can be achieved
I will complete this workshop by the autumn of this year and will post all of my feelings in writing to my wife. I will accept constructive but not destructive criticism of these feelings and answers
I will give my wife the security that she craves for before the end of this year
I will accept her decisions on how she wants to rebuild her life being there for her without becoming a burden
I will allow her to police me for as long as she needs but will convince her that I will police myself whilst ever I need to
I will face all of my demons and cement the life goals that I need for complete recovery and will keep my wife fully advised of all of my actions and emotions even when we are apart from each other
I will if given the opportunity work on my relationships with other members of my family in particular my three sons
I will by the start of next year channel my energies into a healthy fulfilling life project that is not connected to work and that she can be as involved with as much or as little as she wants

Exercise 22
Ritual measured is my visiting prostitutes
It is connected to the following elements:
Primary elements value 3
Sensory Sight I enjoy to watch my erection and the womans face when she masturbates me
Sensory sight seeing the girl who is available to me without any expectation
Orgasm
Secondary elements value 2
Mental stimulation I am in control
Physical stimulation Touch I like to feel the hand around my hardening penis
Past un rejected sex
Suspense will I take HR full sex or neither
Accessory value 1
Danger being caught. Failing to get erect, Failing to last or premature ejaculation
Accomplishment Another victim, another un rejected sex, another completion of a cycle
Applying filters
Sensory Sight I enjoy to watch my erection and the womans face when she masturbates me
Time progressively increases as my erection grows and the masturbation continues value 9
Intensity relatively stable value 2
Habituation I am compulsive about the ritual value 6
Sensory sight seeing the girl who is available to me without any expectation
Time progressively decreases as my erection grows value 3
Intensity relatively stable value 2
Habituation relatively stable value 2
Orgasm
Time progressively increases if she watches as if she is interested in seeing me ejaculate value 8
Intensity increases if I am lasting and she has or I have to work hard for completion value 5
Habituation relatively stable value 2
Mental stimulation I am in control
Time progressively increases if she continues to watch value 7
Intensity relatively stable value 2
Habituation no effect value 1
Physical stimulation Touch I like to feel the hand around my hardening penis
Time progressively increases if we continue with HR value 7
Intensity decreases as I switch from HR to sex value 3
Habituation no effect value 1
Past un rejected sex
Time increases if sex with my wife has not been available value 9
Intensity increases if sex with my wife has not been available value 9
Intensity Habituation little effect value 3

Exercise 23
Measuring compulsive rituals has the following practical uses in recovery:
Understanding the patterns involved with compulsive behaviour and the role that emotions play

There are three areas where measuring compulsive behaviour comes into play in recovery. Assessment, Self-Awareness and Relapse Prevention.

Assessment
Accurately assessing behaviour that leads to the "rituals" provides the ability to stop the ritual as it and eventually before it starts.
Measuring compulsive acts forces you to break down that 'single act' into a more realistic, more accurate series of patterned behaviour. and this is a major key to Urge Control.

Self-Awareness
While measuring chains and assessing specific behavioural patterns you develop the ability to gauge the potential stimulation that a particular element might have on your emotional state.It is this ability that will allow you to set up a direct connection between your actions, your decisions and the emotional consequences that result from those decisions
Relapse Prevention
Relapse occurs in a state of mind that is emotionally unstable. Relapse occurs when addicts have lost the connection with the roles that their emotions play in their day-to-day experiences...and more importantly--they have lost connection with the role that their values play in managing their emotions. And so, as they begin to return to more artificial means for stimulation
One of the best and most effective ways to reverse this process in its tracks, is for the person who recognises that they are again engaging in potentially destructive behaviour, to take that behaviour and intellectually break it down--map out the individual elements involved. This allows them to objectively visualise the role that those elements are playing in altering their emotions, which often triggers the feeling of renewed control over their behaviour and increased stability within their life. Most importantly, during times of renewed participation in destructive behaviour, their ability to map out this behaviour often reinforces the realisation that where they go from here is indeed a choice that they must make. And for many, just recognising that it is a choice--or being reminded of it from time to time--is all that is required for a person to reprioritise their life.


Exercise 24
The elements that make up my own wheel of sexual compulsion are
Exercise 24
The elements that make up my own wheel of sexual compulsion are
Sensory sight
Sensory touch
Sensory comfort
Suspense
Submission
Power
Orgasm
Fantasy
Danger
Accomplishment
Past
Poly addiction
Self degradation
Failure
Breaking down every unhealthy sexual compulsion that I have
Masturbation
Prepare myself to be comfortable in mind and in body
Relaxation
Soothing
Completely undress
Arrange position
Lie down
Fully expose myself
Fantasise about a real life satisfying sexual experience
Touch my penis
Touch my nipples
Exact pain
Start to masturbate
Control intensity to match the fantasy
Wonder if I can be seen
Timing of orgasm

Accomplishment or disappointment
Timing
Intensity
Volume of semen
Power of ejaculate
Clean up

Prostitution
Decision to go (opportunity/ boredom?)
Selection of parlour
Selection of girl
Undress and shower
Manipulate penis for size effect
Lie down
Prepare myself to be comfortable in mind and in body
Relaxation
Anticipation
Turn over and fully expose myself
Stimulation
Watch her watching me
Have her touch my penis
Have her start to masturbate
Watch the erection grow
Watch her watching me
Continue to masturbate or switch to sex
If continue to HR then watch closely her hand my penis and her eyes
If switch to sex, put condom on move to missionary and f*** hard and fast
Orgasm
Clean up
Shower
Leave
Guilt / disgust / self hatred
Exhibitionism
Seek out opportunities
Take every “safe” opportunity
Undress
Shower
Evaluate best approach
Light up the room
“Accidently” walk about
Total “innocence”
Manipulate penis for size effect
Secretly watch for victims
Ensure “accidental” exposure
Sexual arousal
Masturbation
Accomplishment
Clean up
Humiliation
Exhibitionism Alternatives
Get naked at every opportunity, in home on beach, (previously in sauna)
Seek out Massage parlours
Undress and shower
Manipulate penis for size effect
Lie down
Prepare myself to be comfortable in mind and in body
Relaxation
Anticipation
Turn over and fully expose myself
Additional anticipation knowing that I will exhibit an erection
Watch her watching me
Watch the erection grow
Additional stimulation and arousal
Watch her watching me
Lusting
Opportunities everywhere
Opportunity presents itself
Takes no effort
Sensory stimulation (sight)
Fantasy (see more flesh)
Objectivising
Selecting
Training
Collecting images


Last edited by Kenzo on Wed Jun 01, 2011 2:54 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:13 pm 
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Exercise 25
Develop your own compulsive ritual. Make this relatively simple. List the primary elements
NOT lusting after women in public places
I have chosen this because it is my newest compulsive ritual one that I am using to over ride a perceived addiction of actually lusting after women in public places
See people around me
Differentiate male and female
Differentiate Attractive from non attractive
Differentiate young from old
Concentrate on NOT looking at attractive women in particular the younger ones
Like the “blink” example cited in RN find it difficult to not look
Concentrate harder
Determination
Ensure the objects are no longer visible to me
Feel relief
Accomplishment
Feel anger when accused (falsely ) of staring at objects
Footnote:
I realise that I have developed this poly addiction in order to recover from an addiction that I did not know I had and still am not sure that I have
This ritual is not strictly healthy but it does stop me from objectising healthy attractive women. It is not however a healthy solution. It tells me that I need to evaluate and prioritorise my values


My most recent masturbation
Feeling emotional upheaval from inquisition from my wife
Confused with regard to my wife’s intentions
Feel anger with myself for my past actions
Begin to feel frustration
Completely undress and expose myself
Begin to masturbate
Do not achieve full erection
Fantasise
Add pain
Continue to masturbate
Feel guilty
Feel really angry
Lose erection
Dress
Tell my wife and feel relieved
Feel accomplishment
My last visit to a brothel
Feeling depressed and lonely
Feeling bored
Opportunity of time and place
Feeling excited remembering my previous visit (at a different parlour)
Decide to opt for anal sex
Feeling excited and aroused as I intend to try something different
Select the girl
Discussed anal
Undressed and exposed myself
Talked of anal during massage
Turned over and exposed my penis and testicles
Sensory stimulation from exhibiting myself
Got erect from masturbation
Sexual arousal fantasising about the sex had at the previous visit
Had protected anal sex
Disappointment
Guilt
Returned to massage
Was anally abused without consent
Anger
Disgust
Rage
Dressed and left
Continued anger guilt and self hatred

Exercise 26
Taking it further
My most recent masturbation
Feeling emotional upheaval from inquisition from my wife
Feeling guilt as my wife hits me with repeated questions and accusations
Feeling anger as my wife continues to call me a cheat and a liar, believing that I have drawn a line on that former life and am now moving into recovery
Feeling anger with myself for the hurt that I have caused
Confused with regard to my wife’s intentions, she will end our relationship and I know that I cannot help her to get past this and get onto her own healthy recovery
Feel anger with myself for my past actions and the hurt I have caused
Begin to feel frustration and build up of tension inside me feel very uncomfortable with myself
Decide to masturbate to make myself feel better knowing that it won’t even if I thought it did in the past
Completely undress and expose myself making myself comfortable, comfortable in body and in mind
Begin to masturbate stroking my penis and my testicles .watching myself stiffen to the touch, I have done this so often in the past it feels right
Do not achieve full erection having been comfortable in what I have been doing
Fantasise about the time when my wife performed no hands oral sex with me in that same location, sitting on those same cushions that I was now laying on, that was so exciting begin to feel more aroused
Add pain by squeezing and pulling my nipples
Continue to masturbate getting into a rhythm matching my fantasy
Realise that although this feels so good it is not resolving my issues and is against what I am trying to achieve
Feel guilty for starting this action and for letting myself down
Feel really angry for allowing this type of short term fix to destroy my life and that of my wife
Lose erection and feel relief that I know I will not continue
Consider what I would have gained by masturbation and conclude only guilt
Dress
Tell my wife that I had been tempted and had started to masturbate but had resisted and feel relieved
Feel accomplishment in the knowledge that I acted correctly and am confident that masturbation will never control me or my time again

Exercise 27
Provide an example of two compulsive chains in your life. The first chain should be where multiple rituals are engaged in simultaneously--thus enhancing the overall amount of stimulation derived from the behaviour. The second should be an example of how you have strung together several rituals back-to-back and thus, extended the stimulation you were deriving.
Important notes from RN

Over extended periods of time, the behavioural patterns become so ingrained that often, only the most significant of negative emotional events are capable of triggering a willingness to eliminate these behaviours from ones life.. For these patterns to change, the person must experience the realisation that the choices that they have made in their life were wrong. Not morally, but wrong for the life that they want to live. Most often, this is accomplished at a time when they realise that no amount of compulsive behaviour will allow them to re-establish a sense of emotional balance.
Until this time however, the behavioural chains continue to develop...continue to become ingrained...and eventually, the person finds themselves engaging in emotion-based behaviour that provides them with temporary relief...at the expense of long-term fulfilment and satisfaction. people don't usually engage in such behavioural chains consciously. Instead, the behaviours have become ritualized. Their entire world becomes sexualized...with each stimulus triggering engagement in yet another behavioural ritual. What chains they engage in have little to do with their actual desires, but more so with the opportunities that cross their path at any given time.

Those who engage in compulsive chains to manage their lives are true addicts. Even when the behaviour is identical (say, drinking alcohol), it is in the multiplication of that chain over the course of their life where addiction can be identified. Keeping in mind, of course, that addiction is not a prerequisite for recovery. Even a single compulsive event can cause significant destruction to many people's lives.
My first chain is the chain where I visit a prostitute
The simultaneous ritual chains involved are:
I get to exhibit myself without fear of reprisal
I get to exhibit an erection
I get close viewing of myself and my victim
I get masturbation
My second chain is the chain where I expose myself in a hotel room
The back to back ritual chains involved are:
I get to exhibit myself
I get masturbation
Exercise 28

take the compulsive chain of your most recent acting out behaviour. review it to ensure that you can recognise the way that each element affected your emotional state.

Thinking as an addict, look for areas within this chain where you could add additional destructive elements that would have (most likely) increased the overall stimulation of the event. The actual events that you add should be realistic, and related to the chain itself
My most recent acting out was my last masturbation which actually was a failed event (that in my recovery makes it a success)
What could I have added ?
I could have photographed or videoed the event
I could have done it with the net curtains pulled back to increase the chances of being seen
I could have added internet porn to provide additional visual sensory stimulation
I could have visualised that it was not my hand
I could have visualised that I was being watched
All of the above would have been destructive and I am grateful that I am now really getting to understand emotional disturbance and am becoming aware of my problem and its ultimate resolution

Exercise 29
The role of emotions in motivating behaviour is a critical aspect of understanding addiction. Without emotions, addiction does not exists. Without that intense need, that desire, that craving...addiction does not exist. To better understand this principle, you are going to be asked to do something that will require a significant emotional effort on your part.

A. Find a place where you will be alone and safe. Ensure that, for the next fifteen minutes, you won't be interrupted for any reason. Fifteen mintues (or longer, but not less than). Then close your eyes and just feel. Think of things that are important to you. Think of your values. Think of your regrets. Think of trauma that you have experienced. Think of wonderful moments. Let yourself experience whatever emotions that come freely. Focus on each of the emotions, and DO NOT OPEN YOUR EYES! (this is an important part of the exercise). Stay in touch with the feelings. Experience the emotions that come with these thoughts. Forget about your physical self...focus only on the emotions that you are experiencing.

Now, consider one of your compulsive behaviours. Try to get in touch with the feelings that are generated with this behaviour. If you find yourself getting triggered to act, forbid yourself. Then focus on the anxiety that is produced with that decision. Really allow yourself to get in touch with the stress that is building. Consider the reality that, either during this exercise or soon thereafter, you will face the challenge of deciding whether or not you should act on these feelings. Begin to feel the consequences of both your decision to masturbate, and your decision to remain committed to recovery.

After you have done this for fifteen minutes (or longer), and before you engage in any compulsive behaviour, open your eyes and complete the following:

A. Describe the emotions that you experienced and the thoughts that triggered them.

B. In assessing your own anxiety, describe the extremes of your personal experiences with anxiety. What has been the least anxious state you have experienced and the most extreme anxious state you have experienced?
I considered masturbation
I have realised that masturbation suppresses emotion and I get release and relief, but I did not realise this before I considered that I am an addict.
Masturbation gives me a “sex on my terms” situation and I know that I will not reject myself. Nowadays I only occasionally get real sexual satisfaction with my own hand when I am alone. When I masturbate in front of my wife I get relief but I also get sexual satisfaction and a tremendous thrill, I feel really good about myself
Why don’t I masturbate in front of a prostitute? because I feel more powerful when she is doing it and I get the pleasure of the hand relief but not any sexual satisfaction, but more importantly my masturbation in front of a woman is only between my wife and myself, it is so special
I have had mutual masturbation only with my wife and this is a real turn on, as is watching her masturbate herself this brings a real feeling of closeness one that is extremely sensual probably more so than intercourse and oral sex because of the visual sensory stimulation
Masturbation became completely habitual – ritual, the real pleasure that I get out of it comes out of the memory of real life extremely satisfying sex that I have had with my wife ,that I am acting out in my head whilst I am masturbating thus it is a mental state not physical.
I used to enjoy masturbating and felt it was natural and it felt good but then the frequency took that away
In recent weeks I have been tempted twice to masturbate, once is well documented in my recovery trail and was a compulsive act that would have been detrimental in my recovery if I had carried on but as I did not I consider it as a positive
The second was a healthy need triggered by the nature of the closeness of lying next to a beautiful sexy naked woman in our matrimonial bed. I also resisted that as I felt that it would have been cheating on her if I acted out alone and that would have been seriously damaging because it would have been a deliberate act made by choice not by impulse
Currently I have no urge to masturbate alone, but I can see that when I am further down this recovery path I will once more be tempted both healthily and un healthily and that frightens me and excites me at the same time.
It frightens me because if I don’t recognise the reason it could lead me into using the one slip excuse that could then fall back into a ritual, but it also excites me as I believe that I will recognise the reason and will only act out healthily and that will bring about the satisfaction the healthy masturbation carries with it.
In thinking about this and now writing it down I am not stressed by the thoughts of masturbation and have not felt that I will be tempted in the near future I feel contentment that I am facing what used to be a problem and am controlling it without the need to police it
That in itself makes me feel happier about dealing with my compulsions and relieves me from anxiety as I know it may well be a long hard road but I am going in the right direction
Considering anxiety
The least anxious I have ever been was on vacation in Tropea two years ago
It was the first extended holiday that my wife and I had had alone and life was just perfect
We had overcome all of the trials and tribulations of getting and being together growing closer as one over time
We were almost back as equals and were making plans for the rest of our lives
I was comfortable in my work and relaxed more as the holiday progressed
We had fantastic love making and could make love to each other simply with a smile

The most anxious
I have ever been was the post B****** incident again posted previously on my recovery trail
This was the end of my life, the end of being equal to the most fantastic friend lover and wife that any man could dream of being with
That initial shock of being told what I had done that feeling of horror and devastation that knowing that I had destroyed a trust and for no reason at that
The feeling of self hatred then even surpasses my feeling of self hatred and disgust of now

Exercise 31
In learning to effectively manage your life (e.g. maintain relative emotional balance), it is important to develop an ongoing awareness of where the majority of your energy is being exhausted and where it is being derived. In your Personal Recovery Thread:

A. Make a list of all of identifiable stressors that have affected your emotional health over the past week. For each, document whether it is a mild, moderate, severe or extreme stressor. Example: 1) Facing Possible Divorce: extreme; 2) Lost respect among friends and family: moderate

My last week

Severe stressors
Losing the love of my life
My wife not believing me
My wife not communicating with me only checking up on me
My wife feeling pain
My wifes future
My realisation of who I have become
My fear for my wifes health
My hatred of myself
Medium stressors
My divorce
My future
My step sons future
Debts
My job security
My self esteem
The affect on my father
The effect on my mum in law

Low stressors
Losing my company car
My loneliness
Drinking too much
My health
My boss
My fear of a return of an urge



B. Return to your values list created earlier in the workshop. In a healthy life, the majority of energy being drained (e.g. stress) should be related to the pursuit of your highest prioritized values (top fifteen or so). Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the way that you are expending your energy?

My previous listed values were:
My comments of today are added in CAPITALS
Lesson day 5 revised priorities:

1 Sex with prostitutes does affect and destroy the lives of those we love including our own TOTALLY AGREE AND ALTHOUGH I AM NO LONGER ACTING OUT THE STRESSES CAUSED ARE MY MAJOR STRESSES
2 Lies and deceit become harmful habits and lies will catch up and destroy you Honesty is non negotiable TOTALLY AGREE AND ALTHOUGH I AM NO LONGER LYING THE STRESSES CAUSED ARE MY MAJOR STRESSES
3 Ambition to take control of my life. control my addiction and to beat my addiction
Strengthening my will day by day success by success and improving my confidence
I AM DOING THIS AND IT IS IS NOT CAUSING ME STRESS
4 Respect for myself and for my family
I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR MYSELF AND THIS IS STRESSFULL
5 Acceptance that change takes time takes effort is required and must be permanent OK
6 The need to like who I am but not enough not to want to change and to strive for continual improvement I HATE MYSELF
7 I accept that I have emotions and they should be expressed GREAT AND I AM TRYING TO DO TGHIS AND SUCEEDING
8 I accept that love is not sex but sex is a small part of love I need to love, love that is personal and total OK NO STRESS
9 Love is passionate and fulfilling sex alone is not Love needs foundations and should be built upon daily OK NO STRESS
10 Love should not be jeopardised by lust or lies Love cannot be bought or bargained with OK NO STRESS
11 Selfishness is unacceptable and selflessness brings greater rewards OK NO STRESS
12 Women are not objects , Women should be respected and not feared rewards OK NO STRESS

13 Cheating with another is cheating on oneself and ones partner, Sex without love is sinful and damaging rewards OK NO STRESS

14 My priorities needed to change and I am changing them Life and work is a difficult balance but it is important that work does not take control THIS IS DIFFICULT AS I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT COMES IN THE FUTURE
15 Life should be fun Leisure is important Doing things together with my wife is sacrosanct THIS BRINGS STRESS BECAUSE MY WIFE HAS GIVEN UPON HERSELF AND IS BEING DRAWN INTO MY ADDICTION

C. Likewise, in a healthy life, the majority of meaning and stimulation that you gain should also be related to your highest values. Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the quality of life you are living?
SUMMARISING MY LIFE IS NOT HEALTHY AND I AM AWARE THAT MY RECOVERY COULD TAKE OVER BOTH MY WIFES AND MY OEN LIVES
WE NEED TO HAVE SOME FUN TOGETHER EVEN IF IT IS ONLY AS MATES
WE NEED TO BE POSITIVE




Exercise 32 comments in CAPITALS

1 Life should be fun Leisure is important, doing things together with my wife is sacrosanct
STILL GOAL NUMBER ONE

Set down a list of activities that I consider to be fun and that can be done by two people
Eliminate the ones associated with sex
Have my wife do the same
Combine the two lists including all that we both agree upon
Prioritorise that list
Determine where these activities can be carried out and what is involved
Undertake at least one new activity each week
Include previously jointly enjoyed activities so long as they continue to be enjoyed
Add new activities that are found whist undertaking the activities on the list
Be honest and should an activity become “not fun” drop it
Set aside 30 minutes a day specifically talking about fun things
Laugh together at silly stories
TOO COMPLICATED GOAL IN THE SHORT TERM WE JUST SHOULD HAVE SOME FUN
THE RECOVERY SEEMS TO TAKE ALL OF MY ENERGY

2 Women are not objects , Women should be respected and not feared

Look at women as people not as objects with sexual reference
Note the occasions when I look twice at the same woman and determine why
Consider how I would feel if another man looked twice at my wife
Write down these events and discuss them with my wife
When I am together with my wife and I see an attractive woman or man vocalise this to my wife and analyse if there is some sexual connection and see if a pattern forms
Talk for 30 minutes a day with my wife on feminine subjects
Talk to my wife about women’s feelings and reaction to given situations
Read women’s magazine articles
Talk to more women
Don’t start to flirt with women
Make women friends
Try to understand women’s feeling , thoughts ideals
THIS ONE I AM MAKING PROGRESS WITH
TRIED TO ENGAGE MY WIFE IN WOMAN TALK BUT SHE IS TOO FOCUSED ON MY PAST



3 Acceptance that change takes time takes effort is required and must be permanent

List everything that I can about my character
Highlight the things that I want / need to change
Compare the things to change against those that I am happy with
Discuss the list with my wife
Prioritorise and categorise the list targeting the easy quick fix and rapid improvement ones plus the major long term ones
Hit the quick fixes in batches; maintain the discipline of keeping the fixes fixed
Set out milestones and short achievable targets for the major long term items
Discuss with my wife
Asses on a weekly basis ( time scale can be adjusted if required later) my own view and my wife’s view on each of the major items, maintain the discipline of keeping the fixes fixed
Monitor and note my feeling towards myself as things change be brutally honest
Note any negatives and discuss reasons with my wife
THIS IS GOING WELL BUT WITHOUT THE REGIMENTATION




4 Sex with prostitutes does affect and destroy the lives of those we love including our own

Consider and write down the destructive effect on the lives of
Myself
My wife
My son
My family
My friends ( have I any)

Discuss these lists
Determine the extent of the damage done
Express complete remorse to all involved
Seek help with the issue of frequenting prostitutes
Determine the hooks involved
Determine the triggers involved
Vocalise these to those concerned
Advise my wife (and counsellor) should I feel the urge
Promise myself daily that I will not return to prostitutes
Congratulate myself daily for not returning
Monitor the improvement in self respect
SUCEEDING BUT NOT WITH THE SELF RESPECT





5 Lies and deceit become harmful habits and lies will catch up and destroy you honesty is non negotiable
Analyse why I was lying about
Frequenting prostitutes
Habitual Masturbation
Lusting after women
Exhibitionism
Vocalise the truths of all of these with my wife
Discuss the damage caused to my wife with her
Discuss the damage caused to myself with my wife
Set aside 30 minutes a day to be open and frank with my wife about both of our lives and how we feel that day
Never lie again
Feel remorse
Question myself at the end of each day “did I lie”?
Question myself at the end of each day “did I tell the truth”?
If the answer is no ask why and discuss with my wife
EXCELLENT PROGRESS BUT UNFORTUNATELY MY WIFE DOES NOT ACCEPT THIS

6 Ambition to take control of my life. control my addiction and to beat my addiction Strengthening my will day by day success by success and improving my confidence

Follow the recovery nation exercises
Analyse my addictions
Discuss my addictions with my wife and counsellor
Set out my life vision
Discuss this with my wife
Consider and write down the destructive effect on the lives of
Myself
My wife
My son
My family
My friends ( have I any)

Discuss these lists
Determine the extent of the damage done
Express complete remorse to all involved
Seek help with the issue of frequenting prostitutes
Determine the hooks involved
Determine the triggers involved
Vocalise these to those concerned
Advise my wife (and counsellor) should I feel the urge
Promise myself daily that I will not return to prostitutes
Congratulate myself daily for not returning
Monitor the improvement in self respect
Set myself achievable targets
Write down my successes
Face upto and discuss my failures
Talk openly to people
Meet new people
Put myself in low risk circumstances where I can talk and thus gain confidence
Join a group of self minded (non sexual) people where I can gain confidence
Examine and discuss situations that make me nervous and use these to improve
SOME PROGRESS BUT STILL LITTLE CONFIDENCE
IT WILL COME WITH TIME


7 Respect for myself and for my family

List down my positive attributes
List my negative attributes
List my achievements
List my failings
Get my wife to list my negative attributes and compare with my own list
Analyse what attributes did I use for my successes
Set myself achievable targets
Look at the attributes of the family
Set down any reason why they should not be respected
Show more interest in all that my family does
Take it step by step
NO PROGRESS AND MAYBE EVEN REGRESSION


8 The need to like who I am but not enough not to want to change and to strive for continual improvement
List down my positive attributes
List my negative attributes
List my achievements
List my failings
Get my wife to list my negative attributes and compare with my own list
Analyse what attributes did I use for my successes
Set myself achievable targets
Look at how I can help others and note the doing feeling when doing so
Remove selfishness from my life
Make more friends
Show more interest in others
Take it step by step
NO PROGRESS AND MAYBE EVEN REGRESSION



9 I accept that I have emotions and they should be expressed

List emotions
Reflect on the last time I expressed each emotion
Analyse what brought on that emotion
Reflect on the frequency of reflection of each emotion
Reflect on the frequency of events that triggered particular emotions
Reflect each day on emotions that I have expressed and my associated feelings
Reflect each day on emotions that I have suppressed and my associated feelings
Spend 2 half hours per week discussing that weeks emotions with my wife
When I feel the need to express but choose not to do analyse the consequences
WORKING WITH SOME SUCESS


10 I accept that love is not sex but sex is a small part of love I need to love, love that is personal and total

Write down what constitutes love
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Using a rationalised list Prioritorise the importance of each factor
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Analyse why I need love
Analyse why I need sex
Make loving gestures to my wife every day
Make love with my wife as often as she will allow without having sex
Talk openly about love sex and feelings
Become at one with love
SOME SUCESS WITHOUT THE REGIMENTATION




11 Love is passionate and fulfilling sex alone is not Love needs foundations and should be built upon daily

Write down what constitutes love
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Using a rationalised list Prioritorise the importance of each factor
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Analyse why I need love
Analyse why I need sex
Analyse the difference between fulfilling and unfullfing sex
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Make loving gestures to my wife every day
Make love with my wife as often as she will allow without having sex
Talk openly about love sex and feelings
If we have sex ask was it fulfilling and if not why not
Learn from that
Become at one with love
SOME SUCESS WITHOUT THE REGIMENTATION


12 Love should not be jeopardised by lust or lies Love cannot be bought or bargained with

Write down what constitutes love
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Using a rationalised list Prioritorise the importance of each factor
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Write down what constitutes honesty
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Using a rationalised list Prioritorise the importance of each factor
Get my wife to do the same
Compare the lists
Set aside 30 minutes a day to be open and frank with my wife about both of our lives and how we feel that day
Never lie again
Feel remorse
Question myself at the end of each day “did I lie”?
Question myself at the end of each day “did I tell the truth”?
If the answer is no ask why and discuss with my wife
Never put conditions on love
Never bargain for love or sex
Accept that love and sex are co joined but are not equals
Accept that sex is conditional of love
Accept that love is not conditional of sex
Look at women as people not as objects with sexual reference
Note the occasions when I look twice at the same woman and determine why
Consider how I would feel if another man looked twice at my wife
Write down these events and discuss them with my wife
When I am together with my wife and I see an attractive woman or man vocalise this to my wife and analyse if there is some sexual connection and see if a pattern forms
Talk for 30 minutes a day with my wife on feminine subjects
Talk to my wife about women’s feelings and reaction to given situations
Read women’s magazine articles
Talk to more women
Don’t start to flirt with women
Make women friends
Try to understand women’s feeling , thoughts ideals
WORKING WELL AND PROGRESSING









13 Selfishness is unacceptable and selflessness brings greater rewards

List all the areas of my life where I have been selfish
Get my wife to do the same on my behalf
Compare the lists
Using a rationalised list discuss the effect of my selfishness

Take the major selfish acts that I have done in the last 10 years a minimum of 10 events and plot an alternative outcome for each, compare with reality
Stop and think every time I have selfish thoughts
Discuss with my wife any selfish thought
Ask my wife to highlight any deeds that she sees me doing that tend towards selfishness
Think of others first
Do thing freely for others
NOT LISTED ANYTHING BUT AM NOT ACTING SELFISHLY



14 Cheating with another is cheating on oneself and ones partner, Sex without love is sinful and damaging

List out everything that I have cheated in
Have my wife do the same on my behalf
Compare the lists
Rationalise the lists
Determine who gets hurt when I cheat
Stop and think every time I have thoughts related to cheating
Discuss with my wife any cheating thought
Ask my wife to highlight any deeds that she sees me doing that tend towards cheating
Analyse why I need love
Analyse why I need sex
Make loving gestures to my wife every day
Make love with my wife as often as she will allow without having sex
Talk openly about love sex and feelings
Become at one with love
WORKING WELL AND PROGRESSING WITHOUT THE LISTS




15 My priorities needed to change and I am changing them Life and work is a difficult balance but it is important that work does not take control

List my lifes priorities as they have been
From my life ambition list my priorities as they need to be
Prioritorise these action plans
Set aside time every day to commit to these action plans
Set aside time each day to reflect on my life that day and where different priorities might have made a better day
Look at my life / work balance
Take regular breaks from work
Make my working day disciplined but always leave room for life when interruptions occur
Make life priority over work but ensure that work gets done
POSSIBLY WORK IS BEING SLIGHTLY NEGLECTED STRUGGLING WITH THE DISCIPLINE
LEARNED THAT WORK IS COMPULSIVE TO ME


Last edited by Kenzo on Wed Jun 01, 2011 2:56 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:24 pm 
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Exercise 33
My awareness of my emotions,--both as they occur and as they can be anticipated.
Day one
My wife told me that emotions are easy and that they do not need management, if you feel a particular emotion then simply let it pass through you and it will be replaced by another
Well that is not as I see it
During the last 24 hours most of the emotions I have been through have been extremely negative and thus destructive
My two positive emotions were yesterday when after we had talked I felt for the first time in weeks actually at peace
It was great
This morning I and my wife made love I was highly aroused and completely turned on by her and when we hugged each other I was completely satisfied and felt overwhelming love and happiness
My main emotions throughout my day have been
Anger and hatred towards myself
Remorse for what I have done and what I let myself become, remorse for the damage I have caused to the person that I love and value above all else
Disappointment and anxiety as my wife has had nothing positive to say to me all day and this is contrary to our talk of yesterday
Loneliness and we have been together all day but are we together?
These negative emotions are definitely taking a toll on me as time goes by and I know that at some point I will be tempted to “manage” them in my past previous compulsive way
But that will not be today
Nor tomorrow
I have seen my errors and mistakes and I will not return to compulsiveness
As a PS
Part of the exercise was to add a few opportunities for developing this awareness by anticipating, role playing common rituals surrounding your past behaviour..
I was out with my wife in a city today I saw many women and did not actually look at anyone of them I did not have any sexually related thoughts and I did not objectivise anyone
I was comfortable
Day two
Once again during the last 24 hours most of the emotions I have been through have been I had one positive emotion as I initiated love making with my wife this morning, initially she responded but then rejected me on tha basis that she believes I should be celibate
I think I should be celibate from unhealthy compulsive behaviours, not health love making
My main emotions throughout my day have been much as yesterday
Anger and hatred towards myself
Remorse for what I have done and what I let myself become, remorse for the damage I have caused to the person that I love and value above all else
Disappointment and anxiety as my wife has had nothing positive to say to me all day and this is contrary to our talk of the day before yesterday
Loneliness and we have been together all day but are we together?
Additionally frustration, frustration with my work and frustration with myself as once again I am accused of being a liar
As a PS
Part of the exercise was to add a few opportunities for developing this awareness by anticipating, role playing common rituals surrounding your past behaviour..
I have suffered most of the day with heightened anxiety, previously this would certainly have driven me to feel the urge to masturbate, today it did not, I believe that I am making progress
Day three
Once again during the last 24 hours all of the emotions I have been through have been I have not had one positive emotion
My main emotions throughout my day have been much as yesterday
Anger and hatred towards myself
Remorse for what I have done and what I let myself become, remorse for the damage I have caused to the person that I love and value above all else
Disappointment and anxiety as my wife has once again had nothing positive to say to me all day indeed with the anger of yesterday evening (understandable) was very negative indeed
Loneliness once again in particular now that I an sure that she wants to break up from our relationship
I was working today but could not concentrate on my meeting feeling fear that the longer it went on the more likely it would be that I would be accused of going whoring (there was a red light district in the vicinity) indeed this was the case, I was accused, this brought about a feeling of total dejection
more frustration with myself as once again I am accused of being a liar
depression as the reality of the inevitable sets in
Fear for her future
Whilst writing this I finally have a positive emotion “love” just sitting next to her and feeling love, this is now turning to sorrow as I will not be able to see her growing old with me

As a PS
Part of the exercise was to add a few opportunities for developing this awareness by anticipating, role playing common rituals surrounding your past behaviour..
I have driven through a red light area today but never once considered calling in I take that as a positive as my emotions to being in that vicinity were totally neutral

Exercise 34
Immediate gratification plays the primary role in the lives of most people who struggle with addiction. In your Personal Recovery Thread, share the following:

A. Describe a time in your life when the "Immediate Gratification" principle has come into play:
I recall many times when immediate gratification has come into play
I suggest every time I have exhibited myself, masturbated as a ritual and been to a brothel
However I wish to cite non compulsive examples
The first was when my company car was due for change
I went out forcing my wife who was ill at the time to come with me so that it would be a joint decision
I forced the issue choosing the car with fancy knobs and whistles
It was the worst car I ever had but I got it straight away without having to wait
Another example, before we married my wife and I were overseas on a train, we were going for a sexy weekend and would be less that 90 minutes from our hotel where we knew we would be making love, we were kissing and petting and I allowed her to masturbate me on a public train risking arrest the act was totally loving and not compulsive but it was immediate gratification any one can wait 90 minutes
As best as you can, describe the feeling that you experience while you are engaging in a certain compulsive sexual thought or behaviour. Is it a trance-like feeling? Is it a hyper-alert feeling? If someone could get inside your mind as you were experiencing such a ritual, what would they find?
When I have been acting out an unhealthy compulsive ritual I feel that I have been on auto pilot in many ways, simply going through a process, a well oiled and practiced process
I know that I will feel shame , guilt , failure and disgust even with the multi masturbation , but I simply could not stop the process it actually controlled me although I did not realise this to be the case
The one exception is the element of the exhibitionism either with a member of the public or with a prostitute, when I knew attention was being paid to my penis I seemed to have a heightened awareness and a heightened sexual response making my erection and giving me comfort
As best as you can, describe the anxiety you feel when you are trying to NOT ACT on a compulsive sexual thought or behaviour. Be specific. Compare it to other feelings of anxiety that you experience. The purpose of this exercise is to begin to define the limits of your emotions--and where your compulsive urges stand within those limits.


When I have had the urge to masturbate and have resisted this urge as has happened a few times in my recovery period my anxiety has been very intense and focused
I believe that this is because I know in fine detail the outcome and the feelings that would precipitate should I fail in my resolve
I know that one slip is totally un acceptable and that it would immediately put me back
I am not saying that it would necessarily put me back into addiction but I am saying that I am not prepared to accept that possibility
The one time in my recovery period when I was tempted to exhibit myself my anxiety was again focused and intense but short lived
I have reported previously my way of dealing with not watching women and if I see one in m y peripheral vision I deliberately focus elsewhere
My only anxiety is that my wife will mistakenly accuse me of looking but once again this is intense but short lived
The other anxiety that I experience and in recent months this has been almost ever present is more background and unknown but is of course long lasting it tends to gnaw away at me
Exercise 35 monitoring
I will monitor my attentiveness to my wife and I will monitor my perception of her feelings towards me
Answering the questions:
Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfilment?
I really do not think that I have had too much fulfilment in the last seven days however I have achieved fulfilment with one act
I have written my wife an open letter, in that letter I believe that I have explained to myself and then to her why I am as I am and why I act as I do.She does not accept that the triggers and hooks that I believe to be the root cause are correct and she thinks that I have fabricated it all to make it fit I might post it in my thread to see if I get feedback
I got a great deal of satisfaction in doing it as I examined myself very closely and even though it has been a painful ride it was a worthwhile journey

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?
My energy this week last week and most likely next week et al has gone into three areas, in descending order they are
Trying to save my marriage by telling the truth to my wife even though she is absolutely adamant that I am still withholding truth from her
My recovery
My wife’s recovery

Strangely my work has come nowhere onto the scale and this is one on my compulsions
Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage--how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means
I don’t think I have had emotional balance this week as everything leans heavily to the negative, however I have not engaged in unhealthy means nor have I been tempted to
I have been racked with guilt and self hatred and believe that I need to go back to the letting it go section because I do not then I will not get past this
Again all or nothing syndrome, maybe my monitoring needs some re adjustment

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard?
I have meetings that I need to prepare for, but most significantly I need to be prepared for and aware that my wife is in an emotional whirlpool and that anger is being vented towards me
I must learn to accept it and not to get angry in return



Exercise 36
I. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.
Allowing a stranger a woman with whom I was not in a personal relationship, into my close personal space had dire and very intense consequences that affected mine and my loved one life forever
I allowed this woman to sit on my knee and although I do not recall the detail through drunkenness this lead to kissing which when seen by my wife almost lead to the end of our marriage, this emotional turmoil and chaos eventually took me back to visiting prostitutes after being “clean” for approximately 5 years

II. Describe a situation in your life where having solid boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.

Having sex in a totally healthy way and only with my wife will be a boundary that will assist me in my recovery, it will bring me to focus on my relationship rebuilding it on a solid foundation
Exercise 37
I. List three of your highest values (values prioritized within the top five).

II. For each value, list at least five concrete boundaries (rules) that you will use to protect that value.

III. Absolute boundaries are those boundaries that under no circumstances will you ever cross. These must be realistic AND you must hold them in reverance. Typically, everyone should have at least three such absolute boundaries. List three that you will use to help manage your life.

Example:
• Absolute boundary #1: I will not do anything that I cannot openly tell my wife about.
• Absolute boundary #2: I will act in the way that I want my son to act if he were in this situation.
• Absolute boundary #3: I will act in the way that I want my daughter's husband to act if he were in this situation.
IV. Share these in your recovery thread.

Three values
Sex with prostitutes does affect and destroy the lives of those we love including our own

Boundaries
1) I will never visit a brothel again
2) I will never browse brothel advertising sites again
3) If ever I am tempted I will talk to my wife and discuss it even if we are parted
4) If ever I am tempted I will analyse the reasons that I have tempted by and remove myself from that temptation
5) I will think positively about myself and remember that sex outside of love is negative

Lies and deceit become harmful habits and lies will catch up and destroy you Honesty is non negotiable

Boundaries
1) I will be honest with myself at all times
2) I will be honest with my wife at all times
3) If tempted to act compulsively I will evaluate the implications
4) If tempted to act out I will advise my wife immediately and honestly
5) Not telling all of the truth is lying

Ambition to take control of my life. control my addiction and to beat my addiction Strengthening my will day by day success by success and improving my confidence

Boundaries
1) I will continue to take therapy whilst ever it is helping me
2) I will not permit one slip
3) I will think positively about my life
4) I will aim long term not day by day
5) I will monitor my recovery and take all of the positives to build upon

Absolute boundaries
1) I will not do anything that I cannot tell my wife about
2) I will not hurt my wife again
3) I will not undertake any sexual activity that would hurt the relationship that I have with my wife



Exercise 38:
Review the boundaries created to protect the values listed in the previous lesson.
Consider at least two situations where this value may be threatened. Are the existing boundaries enough to protect against this threat?
If not, evolve your boundaries so that they are capable of allowing you to manage those situations.
Boundaries
I will never visit a brothel again
I will never browse brothel advertising sites again
If ever I am tempted I will talk to my wife and discuss it even if we are parted
If ever I am tempted I will analyse the reasons that I have tempted by and remove myself from that temptation
I will think positively about myself and remember that sex outside of love is negative

First situation that could threaten these boundaries is my wife and I divorce and lead separate lives
I would be devastated and broken and would miss her presence and support
I would feel lonely and would expect that I would never have sex again
This situation could lead me to return to a prostitute “only for relief”
I believe my boundaries will manage the situation as my resolve and my growing as a person is paramount and sacrosanct to me

Boundaries
I will be honest with myself at all times
I will be honest with my wife at all times
If tempted to act compulsively I will evaluate the implications
If tempted to act out I will advise my wife immediately and honestly
Not telling all of the truth is lying

The situation as laid out above could also threaten these boundaries if I lied to myself and accepted that a little slip was acceptable, I know my boundaries can manage the situation

Boundaries
I will continue to take therapy whilst ever it is helping me
I will not permit one slip
I will think positively about my life
I will aim long term not day by day
I will monitor my recovery and take all of the positives to build upon

Second situation that could threaten these boundaries is I could feel all was lost and so I could decide that there is no point in carrying on with my recovery, this wouls also infringe on my honesty boundary
I would feel negative about myself and of life in general
again I know that my boundaries can manage this situation



Exercise 39: Developing Healthy Sexual Values/Boundaries

Step 1 Take Inventory of Your Current Sexual Values
Your first step in redeveloping healthy sexual values is to brainstorm a list of all sexually-related values that you currently hold. Don't worry about how socially acceptable this list may be, nor concern yourself with whether a particular value is healthy or unhealthy. Your goal here is only to identify your current thoughts/attitudes relating to your own sexuality.

• I am insecure about the size of my penis
• Masturbation is not dirty
• Masturbation is a normal, healthy behaviour
• Masturbation can become a ritual and this is un healthy
• I need to make my wife orgasm for sex to be successful
• I need to orgasm at least once a day to feel normal
• There is no age limit with romantic love
• I get excited at the sight of my genitals
• Deep down, I love to be dominated
• Love is enough to overcome anything in a relationship
• My sex drive is unusually strong
• Sex should be for love, not entertainment
• Sex is always wrong outside of marriage
• I do like performing oral sex on my wife
• I do like my wife to perform oral sex on me
• I would love to be able to perform oral sex on myself
• Kissing is fantastic
• Sex without kissing is not satisfying
• I could not kiss a prostitute
• I kiss only my wife
• kissing demonstrates true love
• Kissing my wife arouses me
• Kissing my wife on the mouth makes me extremely happy and excited
• Kissing my wife on her breasts, vagina, tummy, bottom neck legs and feet arouses me
• Kissing is intimate
• Being kissed by my wife on any part of my body makes me feel loved
• Being kissed on my testicles arouses me
• I love feeling aroused
• My penis looks better erect than flaccid
• Nudity is exciting
• Women are more attractive than men
• Women are sexy
• Men are not sexy
• Porn is boring and not exciting
• Porn is not a reflection of reality
• Porn stars are unique athletes and are not a measure of how people are
• I would like to watch a live sex show
• I would not want to be in a live sex show
• I would not want to be in a threesome
• If I had to be in a threesome it would be with another couple not with two women
• I cannot satisfy one woman never mind two
• I get over excited and suffer with PE
• Women scare me
• I wanted to try anal but no longer do
• I have had sex with prostitutes
• Sex with prostitutes is stupid and dangerous
• Sex with Prostitutes is degrading and disgusting
• Sex with prostitutes brings shame
• Sex with prostitutes brings hurt
• Sex with Prostitutes is not healthy
• Sex with Prostitutes is not satisfying
• I am an exhibitionist
• I like women to see me naked
• I like women to see me erect
• I like to be erect
• I like women to see me ejaculate
• I like to see me ejaculate
• I like to watch a woman masturbating me
• I love to watch the eyes and the hand
• I love to watch my wife masturbate
• I love to masturbate my wife
• I love mutual masturbation with my wife
• I love when my wife smacks my erection
• I do not like tying me wife up
• I like to be tied up
• I like to be teased
• I love to have my nipples touched
• I love my wifes nipples
• Nipples are sexy
• Nipples are better than breasts
• Legs are better than breasts
• Breasts should be natural
• Backs are sexy
• Tattoos are not sexy
• Eyes are sexy
• Looking into a womans eyes when having sex is a turn on
• My favourite position is cowgirl
• My second favourite position is doggy
• I prefer oral to penetration
• I prefer oral with no hands
• I prefer oral in 69
• With only two exceptions I only have sex with prostitutes in missionary
• Being a prostitute does not mean they are good at sex
• I always used condoms when having sex with a prostitute
• I always was careful when having sex with prostitutes
• My wife prefers to use condoms I hate them
• I feel that the condom is a barrier to true closeness
• I believe that ejaculation into the mouth is extremely intimate and trusting
• I believe that it is second only to true loving passionate deep kissing
• Kissing is a real indicator for love
• Sex and love are connected but they are not the same thing
• Love is very personal and is so liberating
• I believe that I recognise love
• I believe that I am in love and always will be
• Hugging is fantastic
• I never hugged a prostitute
• Foreplay is as important as the sex
• Sex is a natural function of life
• Sex outdoors is exciting
• I err towards being homophobic
• I would like to watch women having sex with each other
• I enjoy giving my wife pleasure with my fingers
• I enjoy giving my wife pleasure with my tongue
• I enjoy giving my wife pleasure with vibrators
• I have filmed myself masturbating
• I have photographed my genitalia
• I have scanned women
• I have never had phone sex and am not interested in that thought
• I have never had internet sex and am not interested in that thought
• I have never had affairs
• I have never had one night stands
• I believed that I was faithful to my wife
• I accept that I was wrong
• I am relieved that my sexuality is out in the open
• I intend to manage my emotions with values not with immediate gratification
• I would try S & M but would not trust anyone except my wife
• I find some pain as being sexually stimulating
• I have induced myself to pain when I have masturbated
• I have masturbated in front of my wife
• I have masturbated multi times in a day
• I am not missing masturbation and realise it was a compulsive ritual
• I am not missing brothels
• I believe visiting brothels was about exhibitionism
• I believe I was seeking and getting attention
• I kissed my wifes friend and hate myself for it
• I worry about my performance
• I worry that I will not rise to the occasion
• I worry about my PE
• I want my wife to take me with a strap on
• I want my wife to hurt me
• I live my life or my wife
• I love my wife but cheated on her with prostitutes
• I more often than not use the prostitutes for HR
• I only have the penetration if I feel they are not paying me the attention that I want
• I don’t need them to be naked
• I get a thrill from selecting them and another when they see my penis with another when they see my erection
• I have acted out the above scenario with my wife and never even realised it
• I don’t have a preferred look when selecting a prostitute
• I have selected paid and started but not completed the process, leaving without completion
• I have never used the same girl twice
• I feel sexually inadequate
• When I masturbate I always think of real life actual love making incidents that have happened with my wife
• I actually don’t think that I like sex
• Sex probably scares me
• I feel really good when making love with my wife
• I know my wifes body and she knows mine
• Sex is more of a physical act making love more an emotional act
• I love making love
• Making love does not scare me
• I can be good at making love although my penis often lets me down
• When my wife and I part I will never love again
• I will probably never have sex again but maybe this is not a bad thing
• I will masturbate again but never compulsively
• Sex aids and toys do not threaten me but do add to my wife,s satisfaction
• I would like to make love in the sea
• Women are not objects
• Women deserve respect, my wife deserves attention and love
• I will not do anything ever against my wife again my compulsions hurt her too much
• I am jealous of my wife and her sexuality
• My wife is a very sexy lady
• Tans are sexy
• I have no sexual fantasies that my wife is not aware of
• I have masturbated outside
• I habitually touch my genitalia to be semi aroused
• I will not allow my sexuality to rule and ruin my life
• I would like to video my wife and I making love
• I love sucking my wifes toes
• I love kissing my wifes bottom
• I have never had oral with any one except my wife
• My wife is my dream
• Sex has no value outside of love
• Paying for sex shows that I am a failure
• Paying for sex is demeaning
• Sexual health is the only way forwards
• I do recognise healthy sex
• I have been having unhealthy sex for years but at the same time I have been having healthy sex




• I could go on
Step 2 Define an Ideal Ending
Your goal here is to define three to five ideal sexual values that you will begin developing into your life. These values should be general in nature, realistic and unarguably healthy. In other words, they should be socially accepted sexual values that match your own belief system.

• I will only engage in sexual activity that I can and have disclosed to my wife

• I will not be with anyone with whom I could not freely share my sexual/emotional needs

• I will be a compassionate, attentive , affectionate, considerate sexual partner; as opposed to a sexual performer

• I will not expect nor demand sex and will not be hurt or disappointed when sex is not forthcoming

• I will not engage in sexual behaviour that I know to be high risk for destructive consequences


Step 3 Define a Beginning
As you now have a slightly better vision of where you are headed, it is time to identify where you are starting. In order to develop your sexual values, you must begin that process of change. Somewhere. Anywhere. And so your next step is to pick the spot at which you will begin this change. How?

I. Take out the list of current sexual values that you developed in Step One
II. Remove each value that is unrelated to, irrelevant towards and/or contrasting with the values identified in Step Two.
III. All remaining values on your list should now represent your current healthy sexual values; and all should be related to helping you achieve your immediate developmental goals.
This filtered list is your starting point--your beginning. This list is the foundation for the remainder of your sexual development. From this point forward, your goal will be to add only healthy values to this list--values that will bring you closer and closer to the goals identified in the previous step. Additionally, it will be your task to refine these existing values on an ongoing basis so that they become more and more ingrained--more capable of providing you with guidance and emotional support
• Masturbation is a normal, healthy behaviour
• There is no age limit with romantic love
• Love is enough to overcome anything in a relationship
• Sex should be for love, not entertainment
• Sex is always wrong outside of marriage
• I do like performing oral sex on my wife
• Kissing is fantastic
• Sex without kissing is not satisfying
• I kiss only my wife
• kissing demonstrates true love
• Kissing my wife arouses me
• Kissing is intimate
• Sex with prostitutes is stupid and dangerous
• Sex with Prostitutes is degrading and disgusting
• Sex with prostitutes brings shame
• Sex with prostitutes brings hurt
• Sex with Prostitutes is not healthy
• Sex with Prostitutes is not satisfying
• I love to masturbate my wife
• I love mutual masturbation with my wife
• Looking into a womans eyes when having sex is a turn on
• Kissing is a real indicator for love
• Sex and love are connected but they are not the same thing
• Love is very personal and is so liberating
• I believe that I recognise love
• I believe that I am in love and always will be
• Hugging is fantastic
• Foreplay is as important as the sex
• Sex is a natural function of life
• I am relieved that my sexuality is out in the open
• I intend to manage my emotions with values not with immediate gratification
• I have masturbated multi times in a day
• I am not missing masturbation and realise it was a compulsive ritual
• I live my life or my wife
• I love my wife but cheated on her with prostitutes
• I feel really good when making love with my wife
• I know my wifes body and she knows mine
• Sex is more of a physical act making love more an emotional act
• I love making love
• Making love does not scare me
• When my wife and I part I will never love again
• I will probably never have sex again but maybe this is not a bad thing
• I will masturbate again but never compulsively
• Sex aids and toys do not threaten me but do add to my wife,s satisfaction
• Women are not objects
• Women deserve respect, my wife deserves attention and love
• I will not do anything ever against my wife again my compulsions hurt her too much
• My wife is a very sexy lady
• I have no sexual fantasies that my wife is not aware of
• I will not allow my sexuality to rule and ruin my life
• My wife is my dream
• Sex has no value outside of love
• Paying for sex is demeaning
• Sexual health is the only way forwards
• I do recognise healthy sex
• I have been having unhealthy sex for years but at the same time I have been having healthy sex
Repeating my goals
• I will only engage in sexual activity that I can and have disclosed to my wife

• I will not be with anyone with whom I could not freely share my sexual/emotional needs

• I will be a compassionate, attentive , affectionate, considerate sexual partner; as opposed to a sexual performer

• I will not expect nor demand sex and will not be hurt or disappointed when sex is not forthcoming

• I will not engage in sexual behaviour that I know to be high risk for destructive consequences
• I am insecure about the size of my penis
• Masturbation is not dirty
• Masturbation is a normal, healthy behaviour
• Masturbation can become a ritual and this is un healthy
• I need to make my wife orgasm for sex to be successful
• I need to orgasm at least once a day to feel normal
• There is no age limit with romantic love
• I get excited at the sight of my genitals
• Deep down, I love to be dominated
• Love is enough to overcome anything in a relationship
• My sex drive is unusually strong
• Sex should be for love, not entertainment
• Sex is always wrong outside of marriage
• I do like performing oral sex on my wife
• I do like my wife to perform oral sex on me
• I would love to be able to perform oral sex on myself
• Kissing is fantastic
• Sex without kissing is not satisfying
• I could not kiss a prostitute
• I kiss only my wife
• kissing demonstrates true love
• Kissing my wife arouses me
• Kissing my wife on the mouth makes me extremely happy and excited
• Kissing my wife on her breasts, vagina, tummy, bottom neck legs and feet arouses me
• Kissing is intimate
• Being kissed by my wife on any part of my body makes me feel loved
• Being kissed on my testicles arouses me
• I love feeling aroused
• My penis looks better erect than flaccid
• Nudity is exciting
• Women are more attractive than men
• Women are sexy
• Men are not sexy
• Porn is boring and not exciting
• Porn is not a reflection of reality
• Porn stars are unique athletes and are not a measure of how people are
• I would like to watch a live sex show
• I would not want to be in a live sex show
• I would not want to be in a threesome
• If I had to be in a threesome it would be with another couple not with two women
• I cannot satisfy one woman never mind two
• I get over excited and suffer with PE
• Women scare me
• I wanted to try anal but no longer do
• I have had sex with prostitutes
• Sex with prostitutes is stupid and dangerous
• Sex with Prostitutes is degrading and disgusting
• Sex with prostitutes brings shame
• Sex with prostitutes brings hurt
• Sex with Prostitutes is not healthy
• Sex with Prostitutes is not satisfying
• I am an exhibitionist
• I like women to see me naked
• I like women to see me erect
• I like to be erect
• I like women to see me ejaculate
• I like to see me ejaculate
• I like to watch a woman masturbating me
• I love to watch the eyes and the hand
• I love to watch my wife masturbate
• I love to masturbate my wife
• I love mutual masturbation with my wife
• I love when my wife smacks my erection
• I do not like tying me wife up
• I like to be tied up
• I like to be teased
• I love to have my nipples touched
• I love my wifes nipples
• Nipples are sexy
• Nipples are better than breasts
• Legs are better than breasts
• Breasts should be natural
• Backs are sexy
• Tattoos are not sexy
• Eyes are sexy
• Looking into a womans eyes when having sex is a turn on
• My favourite position is cowgirl
• My second favourite position is doggy
• I prefer oral to penetration
• I prefer oral with no hands
• I prefer oral in 69
• With only two exceptions I only have sex with prostitutes in missionary
• Being a prostitute does not mean they are good at sex
• I always used condoms when having sex with a prostitute
• I always was careful when having sex with prostitutes
• My wife prefers to use condoms I hate them
• I feel that the condom is a barrier to true closeness
• I believe that ejaculation into the mouth is extremely intimate and trusting
• I believe that it is second only to true loving passionate deep kissing
• Kissing is a real indicator for love
• Sex and love are connected but they are not the same thing
• Love is very personal and is so liberating
• I believe that I recognise love
• I believe that I am in love and always will be
• Hugging is fantastic
• I never hugged a prostitute
• Foreplay is as important as the sex
• Sex is a natural function of life
• Sex outdoors is exciting
• I err towards being homophobic
• I would like to watch women having sex with each other
• I enjoy giving my wife pleasure with my fingers
• I enjoy giving my wife pleasure with my tongue
• I enjoy giving my wife pleasure with vibrators
• I have filmed myself masturbating
• I have photographed my genitalia
• I have scanned women
• I have never had phone sex and am not interested in that thought
• I have never had internet sex and am not interested in that thought
• I have never had affairs
• I have never had one night stands
• I believed that I was faithful to my wife
• I accept that I was wrong
• I am relieved that my sexuality is out in the open
• I intend to manage my emotions with values not with immediate gratification
• I would try S & M but would not trust anyone except my wife
• I find some pain as being sexually stimulating
• I have induced myself to pain when I have masturbated
• I have masturbated in front of my wife
• I have masturbated multi times in a day
• I am not missing masturbation and realise it was a compulsive ritual
• I am not missing brothels
• I believe visiting brothels was about exhibitionism
• I believe I was seeking and getting attention
• I kissed my wifes friend and hate myself for it
• I worry about my performance
• I worry that I will not rise to the occasion
• I worry about my PE
• I want my wife to take me with a strap on
• I want my wife to hurt me
• I live my life or my wife
• I love my wife but cheated on her with prostitutes
• I more often than not use the prostitutes for HR
• I only have the penetration if I feel they are not paying me the attention that I want
• I don’t need them to be naked
• I get a thrill from selecting them and another when they see my penis with another when they see my erection
• I have acted out the above scenario with my wife and never even realised it
• I don’t have a preferred look when selecting a prostitute
• I have selected paid and started but not completed the process, leaving without completion
• I have never used the same girl twice
• I feel sexually inadequate
• When I masturbate I always think of real life actual love making incidents that have happened with my wife
• I actually don’t think that I like sex
• Sex probably scares me
• I feel really good when making love with my wife
• I know my wifes body and she knows mine
• Sex is more of a physical act making love more an emotional act
• I love making love
• Making love does not scare me
• I can be good at making love although my penis often lets me down
• When my wife and I part I will never love again
• I will probably never have sex again but maybe this is not a bad thing
• I will masturbate again but never compulsively
• Sex aids and toys do not threaten me but do add to my wife,s satisfaction
• I would like to make love in the sea
• Women are not objects
• Women deserve respect, my wife deserves attention and love
• I will not do anything ever against my wife again my compulsions hurt her too much
• I am jealous of my wife and her sexuality
• My wife is a very sexy lady
• Tans are sexy
• I have no sexual fantasies that my wife is not aware of
• I have masturbated outside
• I habitually touch my genitalia to be semi aroused
• I will not allow my sexuality to rule and ruin my life
• I would like to video my wife and I making love
• I love sucking my wifes toes
• I love kissing my wifes bottom
• I have never had oral with any one except my wife
• My wife is my dream
• Sex has no value outside of love
• Paying for sex shows that I am a failure
• Paying for sex is demeaning
• Sexual health is the only way forwards
• I do recognise healthy sex
• I have been having unhealthy sex for years but at the same time I have been having healthy sex




• I could go on


Exercise 40
I. Choose someone in your life that you feel close to. A spouse. A child. A parent. A friend. Rather than assuming what boundaries they have; or what values they want protected...take some time to step into their lives. Refresh those perceptions that you have. Consider how you can HELP THEM reinforce those boundaries. Post a few thoughts about this in your thread.
I consider my wife and have spent the last three days thinking about this
My wifes main values are trust and honesty
Honour and integrity
Love and family
Compassion and charity
Her God
Her home
Preservation of those things dear to her

Her boundaries:
She will not lie although she like all of us does so “ I am ill I cannot work today” although she is a very honest person
She would not deliberately hurt someone, but could do if that person threatened or hurt her loved ones
She demands high values from those that she loves
She expects and strives to achieve the best that she can which is usually close to perfection
Now to some of her sexual boundaries:
She would not have sex with someone that she did not love, although she sees this as a way of cutting off from our love
She would not have one night stands
She is very liberated and open to sexual experimentation but as said above would not engage in any form of multiple partner sex because of the love aspect
She would not do anything that she was being forced or coerced into sexually or otherwise
Because of the hurt that I have caused she will not kiss or perform oral sex perhaps because it would demonstrate love and affection although she has allowed me to make love with her and perform oral sex on her, maybe she is prepared to receive my love but will not be perceived to be saying its OK between us by responding and giving it back?
She needs to feel loved to have sex
She needs to feel trust to have sex
She needs to feel secure to have sex
She sees sex and love as being totally inseparable

I can help to re-enforce these boundaries by:
Being honest even though she is convinced I am not
Demonstrating my love and friendship
Doing what ever I say I will , keeping promises
Facing my own demons
Ensuring that she gets out of being caught up in my addiction,
staying celibate for as long as she needs me to be
II. Consider what you could do should YOU become aware that you have violated a boundary of theirs.
I could only be open and admit to it apologise, ask for or beg forgiveness.
I could be honest and determine why I had violated that boundary
I could modify my own boundaries and values to ensure that the violation was never repeated

III. Consider your reaction should they tell you that you have violated a boundary of theirs. Think beyond defensiveness...keep working until you grasp a healthy reaction.
My initial reactions would probably include anger (directed towards myself), guilt remorse maybe confusion due to lack of understanding of that boundary but all of these seem to be defensive,
My positive and healthy reaction would be one of gratitude that she had cared enough to tell me that I had crossed the line and that she wanted me to be pro active in doing something to ensure a no repeat That she had cared enough to outline the boundary and why it is in place and what values it protects so that I could learn from that and become a better man


Exercise 41 Mastering Boundary Awareness
Take today to review the past four lessons on boundaries. Review the work that you have done on identifying your own boundary system. Ensure that you have a working knowledge of how you will use your boundaries to help you manage your life. How you will use them to assist in decision-making. To protect your value system. Ensure that you understand why your boundaries will evolve. How they will evolve. If you do not understand any of this, share your questions in the community forum.
Boundaries are importance in decision-making, urge control and self-awareness
Development of boundaries is probably the single most important tool you can develop in recovery.
Without a clear set of boundaries in place, a person's values become unstable or meaningless. When this occurs, values lose their ability to provide ongoing stability and control. This then leads to emotional chaos, which leads to irrational actions being taken to help balance that chaos
Boundaries protect the foundation of your values, which provide the foundation for your life.

Boundaries protect the values that define who you are. They provide the world with the means of identifying the rules that you have set up for your life.
We all have boundaries and we all impact on the boundaries of others
By maintaining a well-defined, consistent set of boundaries, you will have created an environment where you no longer need to question yourself in the great majority of situations where values conflict.
Those who have not yet mastered the use of boundaries, or those who have been forced into a helpless role in managing their lives tend to be more susceptible to the influences and control of others. This extends not only to the primary controlling relationship, but to secondary relationships as well. Their lives are often considerably more intense


Last edited by Kenzo on Fri Mar 18, 2011 10:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:27 pm 
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Exercise 42
Ensure that you have a functional understanding of the following:
1) That the emotions you experience with any compulsive urge are finite. There is a limit to the intensity that can be experienced.
2) That developing an awareness of this finite intensity is important in reducing the fear and anxiety often produced in a compulsive crisis. This alone plays a critical role in allowing you to effectively manage an urge.
3) That you can 'measure' the intensity of the emotions you experience and that, while this measurement is subjective, it never-the-less fulfills a practical role in helping you to understand compulsive behavior.
4) That understanding your compulsive behavior can best be understood in terms of the individual elements that stimulate your emotions; the combining of these elements to form single compulsive rituals; and the combining of these compulsive rituals to form compulsive chains.
5) That compulsive rituals are the driving force in the development of an addiction. The more they are used to regulate emotions, the more they are relied on to regulate them again.
6) That compulsive chains are the driving force in an ingrained addiction. They become the primary emotional management strategy employed by the addict.
7) That learning to measure the intensity of your urges is a mechanical tool used to help



Exercise 43
There are two tools you are encouraged to use in helping to develop efficient urge awareness skills.

A. The first tool is the Community Support Forum. Use this forum to discuss your urges, receive support and guidance, and learn from the experiences of others in their urge awareness development.

B. The second is the Urge Control Awareness Form. Use this form any time that you have experienced a 'significant' compulsive urge. This form will facilitate the process of developing the right awareness needed to accurately process each urge.

C. Review this form now and ask any questions you may have about it in your recovery thread. Click here
Since November I have not YET had the urge to visit a brothel, I have been through a deal of stress and negative feeling but I have been receiving the attention that I believed that I desired (even though I now know that I did not really need that attention)
I have had the urge to Masturbate a few times and indeed started on one or two occasions however I have controlled this urge albeit I am not sure that I have done it by creating a break each time, although creating a break and seeing reality of the masturbation not being a necessity and only giving temporary relief, solving nothing, brings an immediate end to the urge.
I have only once been tempted to exhibit myself and this was on a vacation on a deserted beach with my wife, this urge lasted a day , nearly two and as I was on holiday not thinking about recovery I failed to create the break hence I assume the longevity of the urge
I deliberately create breaks when I see women so as to prevent the urge to scan and this seems to be working well albeit not yet second nature it certainly keeps any urge at bay

Exercise 44

I imagined my life apart from my physical being apart from my possessions, from my friends, my family and every other living being.
I imagined my social my professional and my sexual life

I realise that I need to rebuild my core identity and the the exercises give me guidance on how to do this , but I still have it to do


Exercise 44

I imagined my life apart from my physical being apart from my possessions, from my friends, my family and every other living being.
I imagined my social my professional and my sexual life

I realise that I need to rebuild my core identity and the the exercises give me guidance on how to do this , but I still have it to do
I am well satisfied with my professional core as I realise that I have continued its development through my training and experiences throughout my adult life and my career, this is not the case with my sexuality nor social life, where I appreciate my immaturity

I see this core identity and my ability to isolate the addiction from it this is critical to urge control.


A. Describe in your recovery thread the role that your core identity will play in helping you to establish/maintain a healthy life.

The role it plays is really returning to that child like state, where I discovered that exhibiting my erect penis got me attention that I perceived that was lacking, to build on that healthily
and to build the person I've always wanted to be, knowing that I didn't do these things overnight and it will take some time to get to the person I want to be - but know that I am heading in the right direction and not going backwards -

B. Describe the role that value-based experiences will play in further developing your core identity.

Value based experiences with my family, work and career will just continue to endorse that I can become the person that I want to be and will further develop my core identity .
I know I can do this and become the man I always wanted to be and come out of the habituation of compulsive disorder, where I know only lies misery pain guilt and unhappiness
Hopefully value based sexual experiences will also be included in this rebuilding of myself and my identity but definitely unhealthy one will NOT

C. Take some time to examine the current state of your core identity. How in tune with it are you? When you engage in activity that is destructive, what role does your core identity play in that decision? How is it affected by the consequences of that decision?

The current state of my core identity is headed in a good direction, I am grateful to my wife and to RN in showing me the light
I have extreme remorse and guilt for the actions I did in the past and believe that these are really the only thing holding me back as I start to lose self esteem and hate myself but then I quickly realise that I can become the person I want to be and not live in the past but learn from it!
I believe that I know what my core identity needs to be and I know what it needs to exclude, whether I achieve my goal depends so much upon my wife as I want that identity to include being in a loving healthily sexual relationship
When I have behaved compulsively and thus unhealthily my core identity has been eroded away and it has allowed my decisions to be made on the basis of immediate gratification thus it becomes self destructive as that destructive practice has taken a hold
I know what needs to be done
I know how I can deal with it and I know that my road to recovery will be long and lonely but I also know that as with every journey there is a start and an end
I know where I intend to be but the route is not simple


Exercise 45
My compulsive ritual
Argue with my wife / Lose a contract at work / Feel lonely
Feel sorry for myself
Decide to masturbate
Start to masturbate
Orgasm
Clean up
Decide to masturbate again
Repeat the cycle
Decide I need more attention
Decide to visit brothel
Find opportunity
Drive to brothel
Go inside and meet the girls
Make a selection
Shower in the room
Touch myself to make my penis bigger
Meet girl now I am naked
Receive back massage
Small talk
Decide to turn over
Turn over
Watch girl initiate HR
Get erection
Receive HR
Orgasm
Shower
Leave

My compulsive ritual now with the associated emotions
Argue with my wife / Lose a contract at work / Feel lonely – disappointment, uselessness
Feel sorry for myself – self pity, self critical
Decide to masturbate - mild anticipation, mild comfort
Start to masturbate – feel attention, comfort, sexual arousal, excitement
Orgasm- relief , comforted, safe, contentment
Clean up - guilt
Decide to masturbate again – frustration, mild anticipation, mild comfort
Repeat the cycle – frustration, anger , self pity, anxiety
Decide I need more attention – anticipation, comfort, excitement
Decide to visit brothel – increased anticipation, comfort, excitement
Find opportunity – comfort
Drive to brothel - anticipation
Go inside and meet the girls- excitement, control
Make a selection,- power, control, anticipation
Shower in the room – calmness increased anticipation
Touch myself to make my penis bigger – fear , frustration
Meet girl now I am naked – increased excitement, increased anticipation
Receive back massage,- comfort, relaxed, power
Small talk - calmness
Decide to turn over, increased anticipation increased power
Turn over,- visual stimulation, increased anticipation
Watch girl initiate HR, sexual stimulation sensory stimulation
Get erection, increased sensory excitement, increased sexual arousal
Receive HR, attentiveness, sexual excitement sensory excitement
Orgasm. Relief, comfort, guilt disgust, distain
Shower, dirty, disappointment, agitated
Leave guilt, anger disgust relief that it is over, fear of being seen or found out

Considering the removal of any one of the elements in the chain with the exception of feeling sorry for myself has proven in the past to be immaterial
I have acted out unhealthily and compulsively because I have felt some form of lack of attention or disappointment and have then felt sorry for myself and thus I have “rewarded2 myself which only perpetuated the low self esteem and ingrained the ritual into my core identity
I know that there is no real Point of no return because I have followed this ritual but have also pulled back from it at any point right up to completion, thus my focus is not on the ritualistic trigger it is now on myself
I realise that I cannot nor should not be cotton wool wrapped away from reality
Life does give hard knocks but people deal with these events and simply carry on regardless
I need to stop degrading myself and build on the positives whilst dealing positively with the negatives
I have allowed my negative emotions to mould my core identity, turning through an ever self decreasing self degrading cycle that I need to break free from



Exercise 46
I know that there is no real Point of no return because I have followed this ritual but have also pulled back from it at any point right up to completion, thus my focus is not on the ritualistic trigger it is now on myself, however it can be argued that the masturbation can be healthy and indeed in most people it is, however my compulsive nature and seeking of immediate gratification deems it not to be so for me
I will argue for the point of the exercise that I could convince myself that control of or suppression of emotion was healthy thus the chain would be as follows

My previous compulsive ritual now with the associated emotions
Argue with my wife / Lose a contract at work / Feel lonely disappointment, uselessness
Feel sorry for myself self pity, self critical
Decide to masturbate - mild anticipation, mild comfort
Start to masturbate feel attention, comfort, sexual arousal, excitement
Orgasm- relief , comforted, safe, contentment
Clean up - guilt frustration, anger , self pity, anxiety
Decide I need more attention anticipation, comfort, excitement
Decide to visit leisure centre increased anticipation, comfort, excitement
Find opportunity comfort
Drive to leisure centre - anticipation
Go inside and meet people- control
Change for swimming, control, anticipation
Shower in the changing rooms calmness anticipation
Enter pool see people and be seen by people in a totally non sexual way safety
Swim until I feel sufficiently exercised. – contentment. Relaxed released
Dress go home satisfaction

Exercise 47
1. Just as you have with your values and your emotions, it is time to transfer the knowledge that you are developing to a practical application in your day-to-day life. This cannot be done without first developing an awareness of the times when such information is applicable. Over the next 48 hours, envision at least ten different REALISTIC scenarios where you may encounter a compulsive urge in the future and documetn these in your recovery thread.

2. With each scenario:
Identify how you would know when that urge/ritual would likely begin, when the likely 'point of no return' would be and when you would 'create the break'. Do this in your head.
Anticipate the emotions associated with that particular ritual, isolate those emotions from your 'core identity' and prepare yourself to make a values-based decision (versus an emotions-based decision). Do this in your head.
Choose one such scenario and document it in your recovery thread.
If you are in coaching, you will be asked to review several of these to make sure that you understand the concepts involved. If you are not in coaching, feel free to post additional scenarios for review.
1 I am away on business in a hotel in summer, the hotel looks out onto a shopping area I could be tempted to exhibit myself
2 I am on the beach I could be tempted to expose myself
3 I am in a shop changing area I could be tempted to accidently leave the curtain slightly open
4 I am on a secluded beach or grass field, I could be tempted to sun bathe naked and accidently fall asleep
5 I could post photographs or video of me masturbating on the web
6 I am looking for comfort I could be tempted to masturbate out of habit and ritual
7 I am out of my relationship, alone and sexually frustrated I could be tempted to seek attention in a brothel
8 I am out of my relationship, alone and have been rejected by someone new frustrated I could be tempted to seek attention in a brothel or solace from masturbation
9 I am on the computer and bored I could be tempted to surf for porn and then masturbate
10 I am in a shopping area I could be tempted to scan women
Exploring


Last edited by Kenzo on Fri Mar 18, 2011 10:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:33 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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I know that there is no real Point of no return because I have followed this ritual but have also pulled back from it at any point right up to completion, thus my focus is not on the ritualistic trigger it is now on myself, however it can be argued that the masturbation can be healthy and indeed in most people it is, however my compulsive nature and seeking of immediate gratification deems it not to be so for me
I will argue for the point of the exercise that I could convince myself that control of or suppression of emotion was healthy thus the chain would be as follows

My previous compulsive ritual now with the associated emotions
Argue with my wife / Lose a contract at work / Feel lonely disappointment, uselessness
Feel sorry for myself self pity, self critical
Decide to masturbate - mild anticipation, mild comfort
Start to masturbate feel attention, comfort, sexual arousal, excitement
Orgasm- relief , comforted, safe, contentment
Clean up - guilt frustration, anger , self pity, anxiety
Decide I need more attention anticipation, comfort, excitement
Decide to visit leisure centre increased anticipation, comfort, excitement
Find opportunity comfort
Drive to leisure centre - anticipation
Go inside and meet people- control
Change for swimming, control, anticipation
Shower in the changing rooms calmness anticipation
Enter pool see people and be seen by people in a totally non sexual way safety
Swim until I feel sufficiently exercised. contentment. Relaxed released
Dress go home satisfaction

Exercise 47
1. Just as you have with your values and your emotions, it is time to transfer the knowledge that you are developing to a practical application in your day-to-day life. This cannot be done without first developing an awareness of the times when such information is applicable. Over the next 48 hours, envision at least ten different REALISTIC scenarios where you may encounter a compulsive urge in the future and documetn these in your recovery thread.

2. With each scenario:
Identify how you would know when that urge/ritual would likely begin, when the likely 'point of no return' would be and when you would 'create the break'. Do this in your head.
Anticipate the emotions associated with that particular ritual, isolate those emotions from your 'core identity' and prepare yourself to make a values-based decision (versus an emotions-based decision). Do this in your head.
Choose one such scenario and document it in your recovery thread.
If you are in coaching, you will be asked to review several of these to make sure that you understand the concepts involved. If you are not in coaching, feel free to post additional scenarios for review.
1 I am away on business in a hotel in summer, the hotel looks out onto a shopping area I could be tempted to exhibit myself
2 I am on the beach I could be tempted to expose myself
3 I am in a shop changing area I could be tempted to accidently leave the curtain slightly open
4 I am on a secluded beach or grass field, I could be tempted to sun bathe naked and accidently fall asleep
5 I could post photographs or video of me masturbating on the web
6 I am looking for comfort I could be tempted to masturbate out of habit and ritual
7 I am out of my relationship, alone and sexually frustrated I could be tempted to seek attention in a brothel
8 I am out of my relationship, alone and have been rejected by someone new frustrated I could be tempted to seek attention in a brothel or solace from masturbation
9 I am on the computer and bored I could be tempted to surf for porn and then masturbate
10 I am in a shopping area I could be tempted to scan women


Last edited by Kenzo on Fri Mar 18, 2011 10:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:36 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Exercise 48
If you do not know how to role play, learn. Ask about it in the forums, pick up a book on visualisation...this is too valuable of a tool to not master. It will provide you with the ability of not only mastering situations now, but in maintaining your proficiency down the road.
2. For each of the next three days, find an opportunity to complete each of the three skills mentioned in this lesson: role-playing/visualization; anticipating; actively seeking opportunity. It doesn't matter what you apply these skills to--even if the behaviour is unrelated to sexual addiction.
3. When you feel that you are proficient with how to use each of these skills, say so in your recovery thread.
I think the first two - Role Playing and Visualisation - are similar, or use similar techniques. I have used past situations first where I went wrong to imagine where I could have gone right.
I could have made love with my wife or even prepared her a breakfast on a Saturday morning as opposed to exhibiting myself and then masturbating thus replicating a ritual
I could have gone for a meal with my wife or swimming together rather than visiting a brothel to feel the “missing” attention.

I have learned there are various kinds of situation that make me vulnerable:

Stress
Loneliness Anger
Complacency
Isolation
Boredom Frustration

I realise this could cover most situations in life, but maybe that is the point. I want to be aware that is mundane situations that begin by putting me at risk

Role Play:
I have had a really hard stressful day at work. I come home and nobody is in, I am alone I am always alone and I am not receiving any attention.
Nothing on the TV of interest so I turn to the computer
Now comes a clear choice do I go to a porn site to stimulate me or to a news/sports site, or could I actually do more work? Work can also become compulsive so I drop that option
Now I want stimulation of my mind so I am likely to turn off the computer and read a book. Previously I would just surf around or head to sites I knew where I could get instant gratification. Now I can look at the value of what I am doing before I do it.



So considering none everyday occurrences:
Loss of my job The breakup of my marriage Reaching retirement age
The death of my parents, or a loved one.
This is the test not just of my imagination but also of my response. In some ways, though the response must be the same - to manage my emotions and keep them attached to the subject in hand. If it is grief, then grieve - don't try to escape grief, but work my way patiently through it.

The Active Seeking part is very good, but potentially dangerous. I think this is a very good way to fight complacency, to stay alert and to make sure you take lessons and ingrain them in your experience. But could it lead to a slip?
If I was to deliberately drive past a brothel to demonstrate that I can drive away could I then think that the test was not severe enough?
Thus the next test would be to go in meet the girls and then walk away
The next test would be to go into the room ......... and on!!!! the point of no return could be past and I would be back at ground zero
I know that I cannot and would not wish to live my life protected from myself so I appreciate that I must police myself
I like this focus - of saying to myself, I will face this problem/issue in my life and work on it whenever I can. It keeps me alert and forces me to gain experience.

I like the idea of forward planning, of seeing vulnerable points and planning for them but do I expose myself to try to induce an urge that I have not encountered for ten months
Maybe I should request feedback?

Exercise 50
Once you have applied effective urge control--once you have identified the emotional elements of a compulsive urge, isolated the element that exists just prior to the 'point of no return' and put yourself in a position to make a rational decision in what was once a compulsive moment--the next step is to make the decision and accept the consequences for whatever decision you make.

A. When facing a compulsive urge, what do you anticipate the consequences of using a healthy, values-based decision to manage that urge to be? (think positive and negative consequences)
A value based decision will always (in the longer term) be a positive decision
It will cement my values and boundaries, and will give me satisfaction that it is I whom is controlling my life and not short term instant self gratification, it could also lead to short term anxiety as I am making decisions contrary to my historical norm
Longer term it will make me stronger and a better person who has rejected selfishness

B. Now consider having made the decision to continue on with the compulsive ritual, what consequences do you anticipate? (again, think positive and negative)
It would bring instant relief followed by anger guilt and despair
It would bring on increased disgust which in turn could lead to increased self pity thus starting the cycle again
It would bring sexual satisfaction and some form of excitement but this would quickly over run by the negatives


C. For each decision (values-based; emotion-based), what long-term effects will these consequences have on your developing identity and values?
Every value based decision will make me feel better and stronger in the longer term
Emotionally I will be more stable and with every passing value decision the ability to get the next one right will be increased
Life will become mine again but this time with the stability of mature adulthood
D. Document your thoughts in your recovery manager
Exercise 51
To make a healthy decision--to master the skill of making healthy decisions--you must gain confidence in quickly and accurately identifying what options are available in any given situation, recognize the consequences of those actions, and ultimately, trusting yourself to choose the option best suited to promoting your values.

Share the following in your thread:

A. Consider one of your specific compulsive rituals. Or, if you feel comfortable, consider an entire compulsive chain. Identify the point in that ritual/chain when you should begin considering the options that you have available. What are these options? (consider reasonable options only)

B. Of the options listed above, which would be automatically filtered out because of your boundaries? What would you do in the case of a value conflict? (i.e. when the same option would create both positive and negative influences on your value system)

C. Of the remaining options, what would be the anticipated consequences of the following:

i. You make the decision to act on this option:

ii. You make the decision NOT to act on this option:

iii. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision becomes known by others:

iv. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision remains secret:
Exercise 51 my values with their boundaries are:
Three values
Sex with prostitutes does affect and destroy the lives of those we love including our own

Boundaries
1) I will never visit a brothel again
2) I will never browse brothel advertising sites again
3) If ever I am tempted I will talk to my wife and discuss it even if we are parted
4) If ever I am tempted I will analyse the reasons that I have tempted by and remove myself from that temptation
5) I will think positively about myself and remember that sex outside of love is negative

Lies and deceit become harmful habits and lies will catch up and destroy you Honesty is non negotiable

Boundaries
1) I will be honest with myself at all times
2) I will be honest with my wife at all times
3) If tempted to act compulsively I will evaluate the implications
4) If tempted to act out I will advise my wife immediately and honestly
5) Not telling all of the truth is lying

Ambition to take control of my life. control my addiction and to beat my addiction Strengthening my will day by day success by success and improving my confidence

Boundaries
1) I will continue to take therapy whilst ever it is helping me
2) I will not permit one slip
3) I will think positively about my life
4) I will aim long term not day by day
5) I will monitor my recovery and take all of the positives to build upon

Absolute boundaries
1) I will not do anything that I cannot tell my wife about
2) I will not hurt my wife again
3) I will not undertake any sexual activity that would hurt the relationship that I have with my wife
My compulsive ritual now with the associated emotions
Argue with my wife / Lose a contract at work / Feel lonely – disappointment, uselessness
Feel sorry for myself – self pity, self critical
Decide to masturbate - mild anticipation, mild comfort
Start to masturbate – feel attention, comfort, sexual arousal, excitement
Orgasm- relief , comforted, safe, contentment
Clean up - guilt
Decide to masturbate again – frustration, mild anticipation, mild comfort
Repeat the cycle – frustration, anger , self pity, anxiety
Decide I need more attention – anticipation, comfort, excitement
Decide to visit brothel – increased anticipation, comfort, excitement
Find opportunity – comfort
Drive to brothel - anticipation
Go inside and meet the girls- excitement, control
Make a selection,- power, control, anticipation
Shower in the room – calmness increased anticipation
Touch myself to make my penis bigger – fear , frustration
Meet girl now I am naked – increased excitement, increased anticipation
Receive back massage,- comfort, relaxed, power
Small talk - calmness
Decide to turn over, increased anticipation increased power
Turn over,- visual stimulation, increased anticipation
Watch girl initiate HR, sexual stimulation sensory stimulation
Get erection, increased sensory excitement, increased sexual arousal
Receive HR, attentiveness, sexual excitement sensory excitement
Orgasm. Relief, comfort, guilt disgust, distain
Shower, dirty, disappointment, agitated
Leave guilt, anger disgust relief that it is over, fear of being seen or found out
I know that I should be starting to consider my options at the point when I first start to feel sorry for myself however I believe the exercise will be more beneficial I if I choose:
Decide I need more attention – anticipation, comfort, excitement
Options
1. Decide to visit a brothel
2. Decide to talk to my wife about my feelings
3. Decide to go to a bar
4. Decide to surf for Porn
5. Decide to masturbate again
6. Decide to exercise or go for a walk to meet people
7. Decide to exhibit myself
8. Decide to do some work
My values and boundaries filter out 1 4 5 and 7
Consequences of following and not following the actions are:
1. Decide to talk to my wife about my feelings
Following- Would build trust and confirm honesty, bring self satisfaction, would cement sincerity, would raise concerns as to why I felt I needed attention
Not Following- would bring guilt regarding failure of honesty, would bring lack of trust would cement a secret world, would leave me more exposed for future tests
2 Decide to go to a bar
Following would raise concerns as to why I was running away and hiding possibly in another compulsive behavioural problem
Not Following would leave me more exposed for future tests, would lead to self pity and lonliness, would lead to anxiety that the urge could return
3 Decide to exercise or go for a walk to meet people
Following would promote healthy actions, would remove the temptations would provide me with attentiveness, would kill off the urge, would provide concrete to my boundaries and values
Not Following would leave me more exposed for future tests, would lead to self pity and lonliness, would lead to anxiety that the urge could return

2 Decide to do some work
Following would promote healthy actions although I know I could become compulsive about my work, would remove the temptations, would kill off the urge, would provide concrete to my boundaries and values
Not Following would leave me more exposed for future tests, would lead to boredom would lead to anxiety that the urge could return , would lead to knowing that there is more in life like fun
Exercise 52

1. Consider a situation in life (outside of addiction) where this 'isolation' of feelings/emotions has been known to occur and/or might prove beneficial.
What I am looking for is your skill in understanding the concepts involved with isolating emotions and what it will 'look like/feel like' in real life application.
Contact sports spring to mind eg boxing or taekwondo etc
Lose your temper and become emotionally embroiled and you lose the fight
Additionally there are lists of evidence where the “world slows down” when one is involved with a road traffic accident emotion being left behind until all that can be done to save / stop the accident has been done then the stress kicks in
People involved with the services eg police ambulance and fire etc act by following their training and leave the emotion behind
I remember when my son was about two and was chocking I turned him upside down and patted his back repeating the action until his airway was clear then and only then did the relief and pride in accomplishment hit me

Exercise 53

A. Describe a situation where you would consider masturbation to be against your values--and therefore, a destructive act. Describe a situation where you would consider masturbating to be within your values--and therefore, a healthy act.

Destructive masturbation is when it happens because I have had the need to, this could be in a brothel with a prostitute or in my home / hotel room by myself
If it is purely out of boredom / frustration / ie ritualistic and habitual then it is destructive
Healthy masturbation within my values is when it is done by my wife in a loving sexual way perhaps during mutual masturbation or foreplay as a prelude to moving towards sexual climax
I used to believe that masturbating in front of my wife was healthy and showed trust and love but now I realise that it was re enactment of my exhibitionism and hence was un healthy
In any potential future sexual relationship (which is highly unlikely) masturbation with and in front of that parter could be healthy but only if it was be vocalised as to let her know what I enjoyed and disliked and then only on the basis that it did not become habitual
B. In your recovery thread, list other common value conflicts involving sexual and/or romantic behavior that you have found yourself engaged in? Or that you may find yourself engaged in, given your history.

Hint: think romantic relationships, fantasizing, etc.
I have openly touched myself in front of my wife becoming semi erect believing that is was cementing our trust and openness but reality is it was re enactment of my exhibitionism
I have masturbated in front of my wife erect believing that is was cementing our trust and openness but reality is it was re enactment of my exhibitionism
Since we met I have always masturbated thinking of real sexual events that have happened between my wife and myself, this I now view as un healthy as I should have invested that time and effort in her and in our relationship rather in my selfish habitual ritual

Exercise 54

A. Select a VALUE-BASED decision that you have made in the past year. What were some NEGATIVE consequences that resulted from that decision?
I made a value based decision to tell my wife the whole sordid truth about my compulsive sexual behaviour, but because I had made the opposite emotional based decision to lie and protect myself previously, she simply could not believe that I had finally divulged all and that now I was telling the truth
This plus the fact that I had admitted having sex over many years with prostitutes brought about many negative consequences, however in reality it was not the admitting nor the lies and then the truth that caused these negative consequences at all
It was my cheating and lying actions that brought about this dramatic loss of our relationship, but those decisions were made years ago and were emotion based, I need to learn from that.

B. Select an EMOTION-BASED decision that you have made in the past year. What were some POSITIVE consequences that resulted from that decision?

I made an emotional based decision last November to go for self gratification by having anal sex with a prostitute, that decision through a series of events brought about several positive consequences
These include admission of my actions to my wife and eventually finding recovery nation, actually RN has really been a saviour for me it has provided me with insights and tools with which I am striding the road to health


Exercise 55 and 56
Practical Decision-Making: Past

Choose a compulsive sexual event and dissect your decision-making in relation to that event.
The event I chose is the last time that I went to a brothel which was last November ie nearly 11 months ago
Look for the following:

1) Were you aware that you were experiencing a compulsive sexual event at the time?
I had absolutely no idea that I was experiencing a compulsive sexual event I did not know that these compulsions were controlling me and truthfully I did not even think about what I was doing or why I was doing it I just acted out of an ingrained need to receive attention(although I did not realise this at that time)
2) How intense were the emotions that were triggered by this event--BEFORE you chose to act on it? The emotions were very intense as I realise with hindsight
I was sexually excited by the previous visit and I was angry with myself because of this
I had felt abandoned by my wife who also I now know had also felt abandoned by me

3) At any point did you look to your values in a sincere effort for guidance in your decision-making?
No not at all and I never realised that my values were so weak and self centered

4) After making the decision to act on this sexual event, how long did the emotions elicited from the event last?
The anger and disgust plus the guilt and self hatred kicked in straight away removing any excitement or sexual release immediately these feelings remain with me today and yes I know that one of the earlier lessons insisted that I forgive myself


Last edited by Kenzo on Fri Mar 18, 2011 10:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:38 pm 
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Practical Decision-Making: Present
You will face many decisions in the coming days, weeks and months that can potentially be greatly influenced by your emotions. Choose a potential compulsive sexual event and assess your decision-making in relation to that event.
The potential event I choose is that my marriage has ended and so I now have only mysely to consider and I am lonely sexually frustrated and bored
Assess for the following:

1) Will you be aware that a compulsive sexual event is occurring?
Absolutely
In the last circa 11 months I have not had the urge to return but I have had the urge to masturbate and to exhibit myself I have been fully aware

2) How intense do you anticipate the emotions triggered by this event to be?
I expect that the emotions will be extremely intense
3) At what point in the decision-making process will you look to your values for guidance?
Immediately that I am aware of the temptation
4) Should you make the decision to act on this sexual event, how long do you anticipate the emotions elicited from the event will last? Hours, days, weeks, years?
I believe that the emotions would stay with me forever as I believe this would not be a slip but a fully conscious decision and I would return to my old ways
5) Anticipate the consequences of your decision to act on the compulsive urge. What consequences might there be if you were caught? If you weren't?
See above
6) If there are consequences, how intense do you anticipate the emotions elicited from those consequences might be? How long might they last? Hours, days, weeks, years?
See above
Exercise 57
Create an action plan for managing your most common compulsive ritual using the following guide:
My compulsion is masturbation whilst away on a business trip
1) Define the situation. I am away from home for a week and am lonely and a little sexually frustrated, the work is getting on top of me and as usual my wife is getting more and more angry that she is also alone at home, I have had my meal and a couple of drinks and have now returned to my room, I have showered and am naked in bed I have just spoken to my wife and she has stressed me a little more because she is also frustrated
I feel the intense urge to masturbate

2) Evaluate all realistic options.
Masturbate immediately to orgasm thinking about my wife
Masturbate but not to completion then Masturbate to orgasm thinking about my wife
Masturbate immediately to orgasm whilst watching pay for view TV
Masturbate but not to completion then Masturbate to orgasm whilst watching pay for view TV
Call my wife and indulge in phone sex whilst masturbating
Call my wife and talk creating a break from the ritual
Dress and go for a couple more drinks in the bar
Watch TV creating a break from the ritual
Go to sleep
Do a little work creating a break from the ritual

2) Evaluate the potential consequences of the option(s) that you choose.
Masturbate immediately to orgasm thinking about my wife Masturbate but not to completion then Masturbate to orgasm thinking about my wife
Urge disappears I feel relieved and can drift off to sleep nicely relaxed but I get nothing out of this acting out and I know that I have made a decision not based on values so I know that this will happen again and again. I excuse and forgive myself because I was thinking about my wife
Masturbate immediately to orgasm whilst watching pay for view TV Masturbate but not to completion then Masturbate to orgasm whilst watching pay for view TV
Urge disappears I feel relieved and can drift off to sleep nicely relaxed but I get nothing out of this acting out and I know that I have made a decision not based on values so I know that this will happen again and again. I feel guilt and remorse and cannot excuse
myself because I was not thinking about my wife

Call my wife and indulge in phone sex whilst masturbating
Urge disappears I feel relieved and can drift off to sleep nicely relaxed but I get nothing out of this acting out and I know that I have made a decision not based on values and this is affecting the boundaries of the one that I love once again it is selfish and done for immediate self gratification
Call my wife and talk creating a break from the ritual
A value based decision but only if we talk about my urge If we don’t then the urge will return whilst we are talking or when we have finished leaving me in no better position but a little more frustrated
Dress and go for a couple more drinks in the bar Watch TV creating a break from the ritual Do a little work creating a break from the ritual
All value based decisions creating that break but training and awareness of the value based path needs to become ingrained and cemented to ensure that the urge remains as being defeated
Go to sleep
Again a value based decision but could be construed as somewhat hiding from the issue
I could awaken with an erection once again bringing on the urge



4) Make a decision as to which value-based option you would choose.
I would in the position that I am in just now call my wife tell her about the urge and my need to dispel it
I would tell her that she should listen with a sympathetic or at worst a neutral ear and we should talk openly as to why we both felt as we did
We would talk about us and all points positive thus showing full support of each others emotional needs .
Eventually I would also use the two other value based options of watching TV and going to sleep because I cannot expect my wife to be there to “Police” me that is my own responsibility additionally I would not take the other two value based options of drinking and working as these could lead to one addiction being replaced by another
Exercise 58
Define the five rituals that you will most likely face in the next two years. For each, develop an action plan in five minutes or less...that focuses specifically on the immediate action you will take upon the awareness of the ritual; the anticipated emotions you will feel after you engage in that behavior; and the likely mind-games that you will play to get you to abandon your values-based decision making for emotion based decision making.
Post these in your thread.
Exercise 58
Define the five rituals that you will most likely face in the next two years. For each, develop an action plan in five minutes or less...that focuses specifically on the immediate action you will take upon the awareness of the ritual; the anticipated emotions you will feel after you engage in that behaviour; and the likely mind-games that you will play to get you to abandon your values-based decision making for emotion based decision making.
Post these in your thread.

The five rituals that I will most likely encounter in the next two years are :
Re visiting prostitutes
Re starting ritualistic masturbation
Re commencing exhibitionism
Scanning women sexually as objects
Surfing the net for porn
I believe that they are all inter related and that they link together through the habituation filter so basically I will have one “standard action plan with side links to cover particular circumstances
The circumstances I envisage have me removed from my existing marital status to one where I am responsible only to and for myself so the only person that gets hurt if I act out is me If this happens not to be the case the same action plan works
A sobering thought but one that is still not to used as an excuse
I am in this healing programme for me and because I choose to be, regardless of the thought of, or effect on, others I will abstain from all compulsive disorders and behaviours now that I have the basic tools and know how ( I accept that I still need the training on how to use them and how not to become over confident at too early a stage in my recovery
So in each possible behaviour, immediately that I am aware of the urge to participate in any of the destructive behaviours I will immediately throw in the break
I would call my wife (ex wife) I would remind myself how far I have come and that one slip would not be one slip
I would remind myself of the consequences of acting out in any of the rituals and remind myself that one compulsive chain is connected to all and any of the other chains
I would remind myself that all of these acts are dirty, disgusting ,dangerous and against my values and that in each of then the perceived rewards of immediate self gratification are far out weighed by the consequences
The emotions that I would feel if I did engage would initially be sexual release (remember that I will not be in any other relationship so sexual frustration will be likely)
I would feel a rush of some kind ( as I did in the past)
Then I would feel remorse, disgust , distain and guilt but mainly I would feel anger that once more in life I had failed and I had let myself down for no reason and no return
The mind games would be easy
I would say that no one comes to harm
It will only be one time for old times sake
It will not become habitual as I have it under control
I can take it or leave it
I am only testing myself to endorse that I can abstain before the point of no return
No one will know or care so what the hell
Etc etc
I am fully aware that the urge will try to get to me at my lowest esteem and when I am depressed and feeling sorry for myself but if it beat me then I would be even more sorrowful remember we now have no excuse card
I do not have to act out any more so the decision would have been that I chose to NOT A CHANCE




Exercise 59
There doesn't need to be an exercise associated with this lesson. At this stage of your transition to health, you should be seeking out ways of strengthening your foundation on your own. And so, just by reading the above, you should already know what to do with it. How it should be applied to your existing reactive action plans.
Evolving Reactive Action Plans
To this point, I believe that I have developed the ability to construct reactive action plans that are structured as follows:

1) Initial awareness of ritual engagement
2) Automatic behavioural response (predetermined through values-based decision-making)
3) Anticipated lingering emotions
4) Anticipated mind games to get you to abandon your values-based decisions
5) More specific behavioural plan for managing lingering emotions/mind games

Now I need to add Expanding Your Awareness
I have spent many months now peeling back the layers of my life and my demons so I believe that I am very aware of my weaknesses and I hope strengths however as the coach advises I would be naive to believe that I have every scenario action


Last edited by Kenzo on Fri Mar 18, 2011 12:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:41 pm 
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Exercise 59
There doesn't need to be an exercise associated with this lesson. At this stage of your transition to health, you should be seeking out ways of strengthening your foundation on your own. And so, just by reading the above, you should already know what to do with it. How it should be applied to your existing reactive action plans.
Evolving Reactive Action Plans
To this point, I believe that I have developed the ability to construct reactive action plans that are structured as follows:

1) Initial awareness of ritual engagement
2) Automatic behavioural response (predetermined through values-based decision-making)
3) Anticipated lingering emotions
4) Anticipated mind games to get you to abandon your values-based decisions
5) More specific behavioural plan for managing lingering emotions/mind games

Now I need to add Expanding Your Awareness
I have spent many months now peeling back the layers of my life and my demons so I believe that I am very aware of my weaknesses and I hope strengths however as the coach advises I would be naive to believe that I have every scenario “action planned” so I am aware that I am a long way from being safe and fully protected
I do believe however that I have the basics in place and the tools at my disposal to win the road to recovery no matter what life throws up at me.
I have and am planning towards the worst case scenario so reality should actually be slightly easier
Actually I don’t know if I am in a fortunate position or not with regard to urge awareness / control
I have not been tempted to visit a brothel for 11 months now so am I subconsciously controlling that urge ie in a good position, or am I in a bad position because I realise that I have that urge to fight in the future
Similarly I have only had the urge to exhibit myself once in the last year and I controlled that urge and I know I am stronger now than I was then
I have had the masturbation urge only a handful of times in the last 8 months and with only one exception I have restrained myself, I even started to tempt myself and still managed to refrain but I have realised that this could be the start of a return to a compulsion so I will not be doing that again
Am I being too blaze? I don’t think so I think it is all part of that continual strive for further awareness
The key to the awareness is knowing that there are so many more negatives than positives in my previous compulsive behaviours and that the triggers can be one or more combinations of emotion ie pretty much anything in life and I cannot hide from or protect myself from all of life’s ongoing situations so I will need to learn to handle them healthily and with my values
Proaction and Postaction

• This is the easy bit, this is the bit that I have ingrained in me from my professional life and indeed from major parts (the addiction excluded) of my personal life it should come natural to me but once again I must not become over confident

Multi-Tiered Behavioural Response
As stated earlier during my stage of increasing my awareness I realised that my compulsive chains were inter related and often could be considered as one complex chain
I believe that my acing out has all been about my perception that I needed attention and that by my compulsive behaviour I was getting that attention
I know that this is all related to my penis being erect and I know it was ingrained in early puberty, but as my awareness increases then so does my ability to control it

Important threat notice:
Preparing yourself for these expanded rituals is NOT intended to serve as a safety net for not fully taking responsibility for managing the early rituals. As in, 'I don't really have to take action now on these simple fantasies, because I have more stringent protection laid out for protecting me from having an affair. So, it's safe to continue."
I actually pride myself in my admission that I am the only one to blame for my previous compulsive behaviours, so I do appreciate where the responsibility lies
I will as I have done continue to extend and cement my action plans which will increase my confidence and hence my ability to strengthen my values and protect my boundaries
Thank you RN
Exercise 60

Action to take: (Action Plan)
I. Create an ongoing list of signs/symptoms of when you are struggling to manage your life. Note that you are not asked for the times you act out...but instead, a more general approach is necessary.
This will be ongoing as I evolve into the person that I strive to be, I feel lucky or could that be unlucky because in the past 11 months I have had very few urges to act out, hence finding the signs and symptoms is not so easy however I fully believe that my acting out previously has been due to the fact that I perceived that I needed attention and exhibiting my erect penis in a whore house was a “safe” who am I kidding way of getting that attention
The task in hand is to determine what will be the signs for struggling to manage my life hence this is not focussed entirely on my sexually compulsive behaviours so my initial thoughts are:
When I feel like simply staying in bed and giving up on everything
Continued anger
Frustration and not just sexual
Appointments and deadlines being missed
Not completing things to my ultimate satisfaction
Cutting corners
Failing to follow up on things
Anything less than total honesty
Complacency
Anxiety
I will continue to analyse and expand on these over the coming weeks and months


II. Create an ongoing list of major life events/triggers that would likely create a significant emotional imbalance in your life.
Relatively easy
Losing my wife
Losing my Parents
Losing my job
Living alone and only having to be responsible for and to myself
Any slip they may well be real but are totally unacceptable in any form whatsoever
III. Create an action plan for what you will do should you determine that you are currently struggling to manage your life/emotions.
Again fairly easy
Awareness of the situation
Recognition of the problem
Throw in the break taking time out
Analysis of the options including their consequences
Decision and implementation to get back on track
Analysis of the beaten issue / problem
Development of my central core derived from the experience of healthy living

III. For the first six months, review your life/this list weekly, adding to it as appropriate. Ensure that you engage in an honest, objective review.
As always this will be reviewed

IV. For the following six months, review your life/this list on a monthly basis.
As always this will be reviewed

V. Continue to adjust the time between your reviews accordingly, but always schedule a review at least once a quarter.
As always this will be reviewed

Engaging in these five actions will ensure that you maintain the most efficient skills for preventing relapse. Develop a plan that is unique to you. Post this plan on your Recovery Thread.


Motivators
1. A fundamental of recovery is to establish a list of positive motivators that can be used to sustain one's focus and energy throughout the transition to health.
• My need to be the person that I believed I was prior to the realisation of whom I had become
• My determination to live the rest of my life with honesty and satisfaction
• My iron will to never hurt anyone including myself ever again



• Exercise 61
I have struggled with getting my head around this lesson
I cannot accept the acceptance of slips
I will never return to the destructive compulsive behaviours that brought me to the point in my life when I joined RN
However lets do some further analysis noting Coach Jons points with my italicised comments
• Managing Slips

• Slips are a by product in one's transition from compulsion to health. In one's development from immaturity to maturity. They are part of the learning process involved with eliminating an addiction.
Surely it is the management of the urge to slip that supports the learning process and ingrains health
• Not that slips should be expected, accepted or even minimized--the consequences of even a single slip in the recovery process can have a devastating effect on recovery.
Any slip back to exhibitionism or prostitution would have that devastating effect on me and slips of compulsive masturbation would tend to lead me to acceptance that one more time would be OK
NO IT WOULD NOT
• Slips are Genuine
The urge is genuine so any slip derived from that must also be so, hence actually learning from a slip or the management of a slip must be beneficial but cannot be acceptable


So now being brutally honest and there is no other way in a successful analysis of oneself I will analyse my slips
As recorded previously in this forum I have not yet had the urge to return to visit a brothel I expect that at some point I will which is why I use this time to prepare myself to manage that eventuality
I have had the urge to exhibit myself twice and I managed it both times I realise now that in both cases the urge was triggered by familiarity of exhibiting in similar circumstances and situations on previous occasions coupled with emotions in turmoil
I have had the urge to masturbate on about 4 occasions and again they were triggered by emotions but each time I vocalised the feelings I was having to my wife and between us we controlled the urge and the need passed
I actually got one exercise wrong and believed that I was supposed to seek out temptation
I did this by creating an erection and then not masturbating however I now suspect that this was a mind game that I played hence I put it down as a slip but I still never went to completion
I know that I have used alcohol as a substitute to suppress anger and guilt on a few occasions, so again I think that I put these down as slips
My scanning I am controlling methodically and deliberately and when I have looked at women I have not objectised or thought of them sexually albeit if my wife sees a woman in the street she still believes that I fantasise over them,
I have had slips with honesty
I drip fed my wife the truth over a lengthy period of time but I learned from this eventually confiding all openly, now she gets the truth even if it hurts, brutal it is not
So summarising perhaps coach john was correct slips are real – deal with and learn from them but do not accept them
Exercise 62
Develop three-five 'most-likely' scenarios where you might face relapse. Role play (in your head or with someone you trust) how you will manage these situations.
The most likely scenarios where I might face the prospect of relapse are:
My wife has divorced me and I am alone in life feeling sorry for myself and knowing that I am answerable and accountable only to myself
I have lost my job and thus lose focus on my life letting boredom creep in and thus I seek out instant gratification
I have contracted some serious life threatening or even terminal illness driving me towards an all or nothing live for the now situation feeding my selfishness
I manage all of these situations in the same basic way
I realise that there is an urge and I throw in the break brake
I evaluate the options available to me and their consequences both in the short and the longer term
I rationalise that I am striving for and attaining a better healthier more fulfilling lifestyle and I recount the days prior to me starting the journey to recovery
I recall the guilt and the remorse the disgust and the distain of acting out when my decisions were purely emotional
I know how difficult it was to be honest with myself and I know how much work and effort it has taken me to get from where I was to where I now am I also know how satisfying that feels
I communicate all of this to my wife or ex wife and conclude that relapse is NOT AN OPTION
Never mind an acceptable option


Explore one unlikely situation where you might face relapse. A situation that you couldn't possibly prepare for. Will your Relapse Plan allow you to manage it? Why or why not?
The unlikely scenario I explore is that my wife accepts that I am in recovery and takes me back into her life as an equal and loved partner, building trust daily and striving to get back what we held so close before then she meets someone or is drawn into my old world and she starts to have sex with them to
See what it is like
Pay me back
Punish me
Suppress her fears and emotions
Will my relapse plan allow me to manage it?
Yes I am sure so because although as right now my wife is involved in and affected by my problems and my addiction it is mine not hers so similarly should she encounter her own problems with managing her life they would affect me but they would still be her problems
My problems and my life values or lack of them drove my compulsive reactions someone else’s problems could and in the above case would have a detrimental effect on my emotions but my managing of them remains the same
So following the above skeletal plan would work
RELAPSE IS NOT AN OPTION NO MATTER WHAT
RN HAS GIVEN ME THE INSIGHT TO THROW AWAY ANY EXCUSE CARD THAT I COULD AND WOULD HAVE PLAYED PREVIOUSLY
Exercise 64
Take today to envision where you are in your transition to health. What skills do you feel you have worked hard to develop? What skills need additional work?
I have worked very hard on recognising and actioning values and decisions based on them I also have become very aware of my and other peoples boundaries my daily monitoring has taken little effort so I need to re examine if I am finding it easy because my aspirations are lower than they should be or I actually am getting ingrained with the procedure or I am doing it for the sake of it
My weekly and monthly monitoring is better by far
I am controlling and recognising urges and I am feeling empowered because I feel as if I am in control need to be careful not to get complacent
Explore your attitude in regards to whether or not 'addiction' is a part of you; or merely a pattern that developed in your life.
Both I believe
I am rather compulsive by nature, a creature of habit unfortunately some of those habits were unhealthy to the point of disgust
However as my behavioural patterns have evolved very slowly and really changed very little over many years I believe I developed a pattern of sexual compulsions to satisfy a particular perceived need the need for attention
Explore your awareness as to the role that your compulsive rituals played...and what it would mean should they return. Explore how you would respond? Explore your confidence level in that response.
I am extremely aware of my compulsive rituals and the damage that they have done
I am very confident that when rather than if the urges return I will recognise and defeat them
Explore your overall balance and stability...how much of your life is spent 'fighting urges, managing urges, acting out, engaging in recovery activities, etc.' versus how much of your life is spent just living.
I pledged to not let my recovery become an addiction but it is an everyday part of my life, it is taking time away from living but I know that will decrese over time as I get stronger


Last edited by Kenzo on Fri Mar 18, 2011 12:23 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:48 pm 
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Exercise 65 revisiting my life vision 63 lessons latter
My life vision in black with new comments in red CAPITALS
The vision I have for my life from this day going forwards is that I want to have that life. I will control my life as is best possible within the confines of society, I WILL NOT HAVE MY SEXUAL ADDICTIONS CONTROL ME , MY LIFE AND THAT OF MY FAMILY. I WILL LET MY NEW VALUES AND THEIR RELATED BOUNDARIES GUIDE ME IN MY DECISION MAKING PROCESS
I will lead and live a fulfilling life and for the moment accept that this will be on a day by day basis leading to improved self confidence and increased self (and others mainly my wife)assurance that I can be trusted, never to return to the old me, controlled by my personal demons . I AM NOT ON A DAY BY DAY BASIS ALTHOUGH I MONITOR MYSELF DAILY
I will police myself recognising that the journey will not be short but will become easier with time whereupon my self policing will simply become a normal function of life as it is within societies
I strive to know who and what I am, what I was, and more importantly what I can become I AM DEFINITELY FINDING SUCCESS HERE
I am at a crossroads in my life and I realise that should I take the wrong turn, then I will never achieve the target as set out above and I will never be happy, fulfilled or contented
What is contentment? I dont want to be content that I have no targets or ambitions, but I will seek contentment in the way that I am reaching for and achieving my targets
I aim to like the person that I am, but not enough for that persona having no need to strive to become the better man, self improvement is a moving target and so long as it remains target then the ambition is still alight.
I aim to be true to myself and to my wife and family and finally to society, the old selfishness will be banished to the annals of history
I will express and not suppress my emotions, once again this will initially be a day to day target, until it finally becomes the norm, I will then reflect upon the emotional cripple that I have left behind and rejoice in the doing so
I strive for the love and the passion that I enjoyed in the early years of my marriage prior to returning to the use of prostitutes
Love that is total and personal, passionate fulfilling and complete . Love that contains but is not consumed by sex
Love of just being and seeing and sitting together not having to worry about anything that may be said or done, love built on the foundations of the day that we met. Love not jeopardised by lust and lies, love simple , straight and honest, a fantastic place to be.
I aim for pleasure in Leisure together, life that allows sufficient reserves and resources that my wife and I can simply enjoy each other with no regrets and no compromise, a fun place that we all deserve to have and to be in.
I wish to be financially stable with sufficient security to enjoy life now and into my retirement, to be able to ensure that my wife has that security when I finally pass over. MY PENDING DIVORCE HAS CHANGED THIS BUT I REJOICE IN GIVING MY WIFE SECURITY
I aim to and will achieve an improved work / life balance. Work is important as it provides me with the means to live and to provide security for my family, but it is only a job. I NEED NOT TO LOSE FOCUS ON MY WORK ALTOGETHER
My priorities have and are changing and I intend that they continue to do so
I want to smile, see my wife smile and splash in the surf as I imagined the innocent 5 year old boy that I once was, did to his hearts content.
I want to be free of fear and self doubt and will on a day by day basis achieve this. AGAIN THESE FEARS ARE DISAPPEARING QUICKLY

Recovery Triggers vs Relapse Triggers

Exercise 66
a) Consider your perspective towards potential triggers when you were in early recovery. Consider your perspective now. How has this changed?

b) List five potential triggers for you--that may lead you into a compulsive crisis. How can you shift your perspective of each so that they are not only NOT a threat to your values, but you can actually use these triggers to strengthen those values?
My perspective of triggers now differs greatly from my perspective when I first started ( I deliberately dont use the term early recovery because I truly am still in that )
I believed that triggers were all important and that I had no choice but to find them and protect or isolate myself from them
I quickly realised that they were:
Stress?
Rejection?
Boredom?
Failure?
Anger?
Elation?
Frustration?
Excitement?
Success?
Ritual / habitual?
As coach Jon wrote in one lesson after I had written these down in my own self analysis the trigger could be just about anything in life
Now I believe that I have basically one trigger or hook an all encompassing reason for my actions
I perceived that I needed attention that I was not getting and it became ingrained in me to comfort myself and get that attention with exhibitionism (even in a brothel) and masturbation
I now realise that masturbation and other immediate gratifications are used to suppress emotions and I now have values which are growing and broadening
I no longer fear the triggers nor truly do I fear the demons I know they are there and I know the damage that they cause
Thank you RN
I believe that I owe you my life

Now listing five potential triggers:

Being on a quiet beach could trigger exhibitionism
Being in a hotel room with a view to a pedestrian area could trigger exhibitionism
Being on a busy beach could trigger scanning and “accidental exhibitionism
Being alone with no sex life could trigger compulsive masturbation which could then trigger all of my other compulsions
Going to a strip club with customers when overseas on business could trigger a brothel visit or masturbation , or scanning
I dont consider these as threats to my values because I am aware of them and I know that my action plans will not allow any urge that they may trigger to become fertile
I know what damage they could cause to me, and that knowledge coupled to my resolve provides me with the positive

Exercise 68
a) Map out your own anger rituals in the same way you did your sexual rituals long ago. Look for patterns in relating to your partner, coworkers, friends, yourself...where anger is triggered and you find it difficult to disengage from that anger.

b) Can you identify the elements of these rituals where YOU actively intensify the stimulation that is experienced?

c) Do you think that 'creating a break' upon the awareness of these anger rituals will allow you to slow the situation enough to allow your values to take over? Why or why not?
My anger ritual
I am trying and I believe succeeding in putting my tools in place to live a healthy life
My wife appears to be being dragged into desperate understanding of my addictive compulsive rituals rather than working upon her own health
My wife demonstrates her mistrust (understandably)
My wife interrogates and questions my truth looking for signs of deception
I become frustrated
She lets out her anger and tells me how she feels and accuses me of any of her images that she has catalogued in her mind
I try logically to counter her accusations
She sticks to her opinions
I get angry with her
She says she has hit a nerve thus strengthening her beliefs that she is correct in her opinions
I get angry with me
The anger builds
I run away giving myself distance and the anger dissipates slowly
I raise my awareness of the expectancy of an urge and I ensure that my action plans are well versed

I actively intensify it getting angry with myself and then with my whole addiction

Initiating a break should allow me to control the situation but it does not, Perhaps I should not get into debate with countering her opinions as changing these will not change my prospects, she has decided that we are divorcing and that process will not be reversed
Why the break does not work is because I dont introduce it I consciously let out my anger and have her vent hers as painful as it is it is at least not suppressed

Another anger ritual but to a lesser degree is triggered by the apparently common acceptance of slips by others in recovery
I should accept that we all are different but that acceptance is diametrically opposed to my values, I get angry with my self not for having the value but for my failure to accept that everyone should also embrace that value
The pattern that emerges as I evaluate more anger rituals is that I am angry with myself for allowing this behaviour pattern to have taken such control in my life

Exercise 69

Making Amends
While taking personal responsibility for your past through active change is important, it is also important that you do what you can to repair the actual damage that you have caused.
To move beyond addiction, you must face the consequences that you have created and do what you can to minimize the damage.


Making amends
Who has my compulsive behaviours affected and indeed put at risk or damaged
Myself
My first wife
My Children
My second wife
My Step son
My Mother in law My Parents
My employer
How has the compulsions done this?
To both of my wives I lied and I cheated upon, I put their health at risk, I wasted monies that could have been spent on them, I betrayed trust and I chose to put my emotional needs before theirs
I am fully aware of the possible negative sigma that could be born out of my addiction and actions related to visiting whores could have on them as women, as it becomes known to family and friends indeed my current wife has been living with these thoughts for the last year, constantly undermining herself and our marriage / love, doubting herself sexually and as a woman
I see no point in making amends to my first wife as she now has her own life and we have not communicated for years
I am daily trying to make amends to my current (soon to be ex ) wife by being honest and open , by being supportive physically , emotionally and financially
I have put her needs and her recovery before my own although she keeps me at arms length and refuses to accept that I have remorse and need to make amends
To my Children (three boys) I have hurt their mothers and this is an unforgiveable sin
To my Parents I have hurt their daughter in laws and to my mother I have ruined her son
To my mother in law I have hurt and probably broken her only child
None of the above currently have any knowledge of my failings as a man a husband a father or a son I know that I will need to make amends to them and the best way I know of doing this is to make amends with to my wife and then to myself
My employer I have used work times to visit brothels and probably would be fired if this was known hence I will make no amends here
Myself
I have damaged my life upto the point of beyond repair I know that I have to make amends to myself as I have dishonoured myself and those loved ones close to me
I have acted selfishly and very carelessly ( the health risks, the monetary loss, the lies the cheating the putting myself first the sheer failure not to accept whom I had become before I hit the shit and then discovered RN
I will make amends to myself by firstly doing all that I can for my wife and my stepson
Then I will try to forgive myself and learn to love myself again learn to live without the self hatred and anger
I will keep my pledges to myself and stay clean and I will live my life to the best that I can until my time is over

Exercise 70
Healthy Guilt and Shame

However, you are no longer in 'early recovery'. Just a few lessons ago, you learned about the necessity of building an ongoing awareness to serve as a 'warning system' that is triggered by potential threats to your health and/or values. In virus protection, a screen pops up as a flag that something is wrong and action needs to be taken. In real life, guilt and/or shame are two such flags. Dishonesty is another.

You cannot experience these things without there being a potential threat to your value system and so, just the experience of guilt, shame and/or dishonesty should serve as a flag that 'something is wrong' and that 'action must be taken'.
What this means is that when they are experienced, you do not try to 'think them through'...rationalize them...minimize them. Instead, you recognize that they exist because your health and/or values are being threatened...and you act accordingly. Or, you consciously choose to ignore these signs and accept whatever consequences may result. There are no other choices.
I feel guilt and shame every day I am fully aware that there is something wrong in my life and I acknowledge the pain that I have caused to my (soon to be ex) wife
I know that she will live with the trauma of that pain and the damage that I have caused for some considerable time and I have to accept that the fault is mine
I am trying to make amends as seen in lesson 69 but it will never be enough
However I am now under no illusion that previously might have allowed me to rationalise my guilt and shame hence my daily role play of my action plans and my healthy monitoring are honed to protect me from allowing these feelings to erode my values
I know that when the marital break comes I will need to re evaluate how to get some healthy fun into my life and if I fail to do this then I will be faced with stark choices, but pre prepared I am confident that I will not return to unhealthy compulsive behaviours

Exercise 71

I find this detaching from an ongoing situation easy, as I have been trained to do just this in my professional life
I have very strong values and boundaries professionally and I recall being trained in a step by step way
Oh I wish this was true in my private life
However through RN I have that awareness and without getting complacent I know that I can “step out


Last edited by Kenzo on Fri Mar 18, 2011 12:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:21 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3355
Location: UK
my health monitoring at new year 2011
this is a critical part / phase for my recovery
My wife has divorced me but we still are both living in the family home
She doubts my honesty hence questions my recovery
we are planning the seperation in the coming weeks and although my action plans have been very succesful thus far I have today questioned if my newly established values and boundaries can stand up to losing the support of my very best friend , my ex wife
She has in the last 13 months given me so musch advice and encouragement that I will now need to fly solo
I know that she will always be there for me as I will for her but not waking up knowing she is safe and well will be more than extremely hard to take ( but there is no choice)
I will not become that ticking bomb that my wife believes that I am
I will not put her through the daily turmoil of asking every day have I been back to a brothel?

I have had a really bad day today asking myself "what if she is right" what if my values will not support my lifes vision?
what if I slip?
I know why I set out on the path for recovery and those reasons have not changed nor will they when I am alone (I have never lived alone before)
I know it will be tough but I need to re strenghthen my values again to ensure I stay healthy
My action plans and role play have worked through this scenario numbers of times in recent months now I get the real acid test

I am concerned because I had my first urge to return to a brothel last week
I have had a few urges to masturbate and exhibit but not to visit a parlour since Nov 2009
Is this an indicator , a warning , a sign of times to come?
I dont know but I do know that I have to live through this and stay healthy for the sake of myself
I know I have put the hard yards in already and that my time is nigh
Wish me luck my friends
stay healthy
Kenzo

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 04, 2011 4:16 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3355
Location: UK
A confession and apology
My dear friends who have dropped in on my thread over the past months to you and to my dearest ex wife I make a confession and an apology
I have learned the importance of truth and total disclosure
I have advised others to follow that path no matter what
however due to my total SHAME I have not followed that path myself
I drip fed the truth to my ex wife trying desperately to convince her that all of the "sh*t" was on the table, I was lying

in the last few days I have asked many questions of myself in other threads and I have had some terrific responses in particular from the partner side
much appreciated you know who you are thanks
last night my ex wife told me that I was manipulating her by withholding the whole truth I was preventing her from moving on
one of the partners told me that if I truly love her I have to let her go
tonight I admitted lying AGAIN
I lied about the frequency of my visits to prostitutes and I lied by some magnitude maybe by a factor of 5 to 6
There was also a couple of activity details that I lied about as well but they are not significant enough to detail here
I lied because of the depths this addiction had taken me
I covered up the shame
My lies have tormented this lady for 13 months and because I lied she now will never believe anything I say
I hope it does not destroy our friendship but I have treated her appallingly,
she says that I have tormented her and this is evil , of course she is correct
I apologise without reservation to her, to everyone on RN and finally to myself

stay healthy and stay please stay honest
Kenzo


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