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PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2016 4:18 am 
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Posts: 3944
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yesterday , out of the blue, my ex wife asked
who would we have as or witnesses?
nothing more was said , it was not necessary
12 hours later I asked
did you mean what you said?
response
you know what to do

is this really the turnkey point ? :ex:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2016 8:43 am 
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Euphoria over, that did not last long
:t:
last night my ex wife had a major mood swing culminating in anger whence she reverted to her safe place, I cannot and do not criticise her as her healing is not where I would like it to be but of course that is her prerogative, but I need to accept her process and re marriage is of course not her priority

maybe one day? :pe:
Anger is an emotion and here on RN we learn that all emotions are both cyclic and finite, so I got to thinking, love is more than an emotion, or a value, it has life and energy
I know that we love each other and that I am in love with her, but what is love

we can all google and get the intellectualised answers, but what is love at the grass roots level?

I feel a question for the forum

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2016 7:20 am 
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Location: UK
I advocate that revisiting and reflecting in our thread is a useful tool
so two years ago I revisited my absolute boundaries being

Quote:
I will tell the whole truth and ensure I have done or thought or sought nothing that shames ME

I will not hurt any person with whom I have any kind of relationship

I will not undertake any instant immediate gratification without ensuring that it would not affect my continuation into recovery




Am I living with and honouring these boundaries? YES


Again I ask myself are these Boundaries engrained? YES

Are these boundaries now a natural part of my life? Yes

Do I need a health check? NO

Have I recovered? YES

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2016 9:51 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
I recently advised a member who was afraid of letting go to talk out loud to his subordinate personalities and the argue the case from both sides demonstrating that rational thinking wins
I did this back in 2012 but unfortunately cannot find the posts in my thread
must have been lost in one of the crashes?
technology is brilliant - when it works!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but no matter
I remind myself as to how it worked
when I had doubts, felt my progress was stalling, had fear of missing "my friend"
I with my allies, my reasons for wanting to change, my vision, my values and my continued ingraining of the essence of the lessons in the RN recovery programme would debate the relevant issues out loud with my subordinate personalities
these were Addictman, supported by his allies
Massageman, Scanman, Righthandman, and Flashman each of which represented one of my four fundamental pillars of my acting out, my addiction
As said I cannot find a relevant posted conversation but have an example related to Essence


Quote:
Kenzo – Hey Essence are you there where can I find you?

Essence – of course I am here you don't need to look for me I am always here and always have been but you chose to ignore me you, chose badly , but I am still here

Kenzo - sorry

Essence –so you should be, you stupid fool , life could have been so much much better

Kenzo – OK I see that you are in charge, are you my higher power?

Essence – No you are in charge you are responsible for your life I am simply there to be there for you when you call I am what you could ,be, but you need to decide

Kenzo –So I can have what I want if I choose to do so?

Essence – No, you can do what you want, but that does not necessarily give you what you want

Kenzo - I realise that, indeed that is why I chose the recovery path

Essence – I know that as well, but why did you choose to leave me?

Kenzo – I wish I knew it was so long ago I was still a child, is it important?

Essence- you decide

Kenzo – but you are here to guide me

Essence – NO I am here to support you, YOU F****D up your life that was a choice, YOU can redeem yourself , but you know that

Kenzo – I know, so what you are telling me is that I can be the man I want to be

Essence – NO I am telling you that you ARE THE MAN THAT YOU WANT TO BE

Kenzo – that simple

Essence- YES that simple, you only need to choose, but choose wisely

Kenzo – It cannot be so easy

Essence – Easy, who said easy? I said simple, It certainly is not easy, you got something out of acting out, leaving it is not easy

Kenzo – I got guilt, I got shame

Essence – and sex with lots of strangers

Kenzo – are you adding to my guilt and shame?

Essence – No but I am reminding you of it, just in case you get complacent

Kenzo – Thanks Essence, but I wont get complacent and I wont return to compulsive behaviour

Essence – Good no more to say then, YOU BE US


This seems indeed at the time felt weird but my old adage of if it helps use it kicked in and it did help, perhaps it is its own sense of ridiculousness that empowers it to work, I dont know but it did help me
one warning though
these subordinate personalities are not real nor are the separate entities upon which we can heap our failings and guilt
they are us and we them, just as our addiction is not separate from us it is us
as said before IT does not exist unless or until we allow IT to

No the point of the exercise is , stealing a phrase from BREXIT
is to take back control

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2016 11:28 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
some great links worth putting into personal threads
thanks for these CB

Introduction

A Letter From Jon (must-read for beginners): http://recoverynation.com/main/addiction_letter.php

What to Expect When You're Expecting (A Healthy Recovery): http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=20035

Visions

CoachMel's Guide to Creating Life Visions: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... 13&t=18746

An Excellent Example of a Starting Vision: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=21100

Recovery

CoachJon's Views on Incorporating the 12 Steps into a Healthy Recovery: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=20085

Help! I'm Losing My Motivation to Recover!: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=20139

The Problem With The Idea of "The Beast" in Recovery: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=19968

Metaphors that Aid Recovery Learning: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=18772

Enjoying Boredom: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=19686

On the Process of Recovery: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=22823

The Road to Recovery for Sex and Love Addiction: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=21116

Managing Triggers in Early Recovery: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... p?f=2&t=62

Perceiving Stimuli and Why There Is No Such Thing As "Bad" Stress: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... f=2&t=1857

Struggling with Slips in Middle to Late Recovery: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... f=2&t=2796

Addressing Perfectionism: viewtopic.php?f=2&t=23654

Addressing Love Addiction: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=19078

Addictions and Mini-Addictions: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=22560

Thinking vs. Acting: Intellectual Recovery vs. Real Recovery: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=18827

Should I Blame Myself? Or Porn?: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... f=2&t=1838

Thanksgiving Wishes and a memory...: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... ?f=2&t=261

Thoughts on the process of learning, healing, and recovery: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=20150

Avoiding the Devastating Consequences of Addiction: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... p?f=2&t=99

Do Not Fear Your Addiction: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=19145

Beginning the Transition to Health: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=20151

"Upgrading" Unhealthy Patterns from Early Recovery: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=19131

You Have One Recovery: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=19128

What Are Values?: http://recoverynation.com/bulletinboard ... =2&t=23547

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2016 8:50 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
Reading some posts from new members reminded me of how difficult starting out on our journey of discovery and hence recovery can be

So I reflect on myself and my journey,

First question is what is addiction?
There are many on line answers defined by the experts and the professionals but I want my own answer
what was Kenzo's addiction?


The 4 main tentacles of my addiction , my “drugs of choice” are well documented within my thread hence will not be outlined again
But it was a gradual but continuous decline into the depths of depravity that I simply accepted
It was my bit of fun
My crutch
My lie, but not my problem !!!!!!!!!!!
I know that I believed that nobody least of all me was getting hurt, I did not see the decline, the ever increasing need for harder extremes, the ever decreasing gaps between acting out
I did not see how dangerous my life had become, how much pain I inflicted, how much it cost and not simply in monetary terms
I believed that I was a good man , I was not

My addiction was MY PROBLEM

Then came D day and the bombardment of questions

Thankfully my ex's questions provoked me into peeling back of my layers, exposing who and what I was, I questioned myself, but I got lucky and found help and guidance here on RN

So into recovering
At the outset, like most , I was panic stricken, I had lost / would lose everything, truthfully including my sanity
I still lied
I minimised
I justified
I abstained
I was frightened of losing “my friend”, of letting go but I decided to choose

Recovery for me is similar to pregnancy in that you cannot be half pregnant, either you are or are not
It is the same with recovery and recovering, either you are and you do or you dont and you wont
I acknowledge that like with pregnancy , being pregnant does not guarantee giving birth, hence recovering does not guarantee recovery, but for me there is and was no half way house
I had to recover, I had to rid myself of my addicted me (yes addiction is not that three headed monster sitting on our shoulders), there is no IT there is only ourselves, we , me
I hated myself

But I decided to choose
I tried relationship and individual counselling, I tried SAA, I worked with a sex addiction therapist
and she told me about Recovery Nation
RN did not provide my recovery but it gave me a road map, an analytical thought process, a focus , a target, a lifes vision

And then Recovery
I have been here now for 6.5 years it is approaching 7 to my D day
I dont know at which point in time that I had achieved my goal of recovery, but I know that I still have not achieved my ultimate goal of being the best person, living the best life that I can possibly aspire to be, I will forever keep pushing that boundary further and further

Suffice to say I now know happiness, honesty, love, intimacy, peace, pride and so much more

I do not want this post to come over as a self praising “Pat Kenzo on the back” text
Nor do I want it to be read as an advert for RN, my adage is and always will be use every useful tool in the box, just make sure the job is done and RN may not be for everyonse just as the 12 steps is not

No I want this post to be a reminder to myself that I got here through pain and bloody hard work
with that poignant statement to myself

DO NOT F*** it UP

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2016 7:51 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
AFTER
Quote:
DO NOT F*** it UP

note to self
POST RECOVERY , PROGRESS DOES NOT STOP

remember and be inspired by

Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.

Gratitude is a form of wisdom. It is patient, loving, hopeful, and rigorously honest. It denies nothing, and it overlooks nothing. It looks reality full in the face and says: This is true, this is me, this is my situation, and I have the opportunity to build from here. This is my starting point, and I will succeed!

Do not wait until the conditions are perfect to begin. Beginning makes the conditions perfect.

Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.

You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.

More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin.

The two important things I did learn were that you are as powerful and strong as you allow yourself to be, and that the most difficult part of any endeavor is taking the first step, making the first decision.

Whatever you do or dream you can do ... begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it.

The beginning is the most important part of the work.

Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.

You will never win if you never begin.
what you can, with what you have, where you are.

The greatest masterpieces were once only pigments on a palette.

What the caterpillar calls the end the rest of the world calls a butterfly.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident, and more and more successful.

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.

Exploration leads to accomplishment. All of it begins at the beginning, with the first small and scary step.

Celebrate endings for they precede new beginnings.

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2016 4:03 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
Back in 2011 one of the lessons prompted me to post

Quote:
Create an ongoing list of major life events/triggers that would likely create a significant emotional imbalance in your life.
Relatively easy
Losing my wife
Losing my Parents
Losing my job
Living alone and only having to be responsible for and to myself
Any slip they may well be real but are totally unacceptable in any form whatsoever
RETIREMENT
DEBT

The point of the lesson was to prepare me to be able to protect myself and my recover in the event of ………………………
Since then
I was divorced by my ex wife
I have lost one of my parents
I lost my job
I retired
I am in debt
Did these events bring about emotional imbalance tempting me to succumb to any unhealthy activity?
No,
Job done?
I believe so but beware complacency Kenzo
Living a healthy life and being the best that you can be , that is the day job,

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 11, 2016 5:06 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
An Amber warning ? I think not but I need to check

Andrew WA posted reference to the number of posts in my thread and this got me thinking
I still spend time thinking about my former addiction , recovery and my life to come including the downs as well as the ups
Coaching and previously mentoring here on RN prompts the process and does provide me with benefits and insights that otherwise I might never have had in regard of myself and life in general

What do I get from RN?

Life
as an active sex addict I had no life, indeed with my actions I was actually and blindly endangering both my and my ex’s lives
I also get great satisfaction in putting something back
RN saved me and if I can help anyone just a little to help themselves then I am rewarded
RN allowed me to know intimacy
RN demonstrated to me the value of honesty
RN opened the door for me to respect and love myself
RN also deepens my understanding of sex addiction and we sex addicts
finally it helps me to ensure that I do not become complacent
I have IT beaten but am aware that compulsiveness can wear many guises

I have completed all of the lessons twice and I journey towards being the best that I can be unfettered by addiction and my previous unhealthy actions
So why do I post?
I use the thread in some part as a journal
I try to follow my own advice as given to others by referring back to see from where and what I was, reminding myself that it took a lot to unloose those shackles, but that the gains outweigh the costs exponentially
I remind myself to beware complacency and I review my values
I also reflect on my reasons for wanting to change that when written were aspirations but are now part of the living breathing so much happier me
I note down my mistakes so that I and perhaps others can learn from them

Then in one moment of this thought process I recall that my main objective in acting out, was getting attention
I recoiled in asking “did I replace that seeking attention in sex by seeking attention in posting in my thread”?
A frightening thought , if the question has any credence and I doubt that it has
I don’t believe it has as my motives for posting are first and foremost for me , a record of where I was, am now and seek to be
Secondly to try to help others in particular to avoid the mistakes that I made but learned from


however having asked the question it requires due diligence hence I intend to take a sabbatical from RN, the length of which depends upon what I conclude
it is never too late to live happily ever-after

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 06, 2016 11:24 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
Quote:
however having asked the question it requires due diligence hence I intend to take a sabbatical from RN, the length of which depends upon what I conclude
it is never too late to live happily ever-after

Post my sabbatical of circa 4 weeks I concluded
No case to answer
so my life remains on track and I return to try to put just a little back

just posted this in another's thread but it applies to us all
Quote:
think CCC
Choice, make the right one
Chance, take one as an alternative to the inevitable
Change, this will happen, we decide the direction

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2016 3:22 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
A statement posted by Andrew WA

Quote:
I need to keep on making the right choices as the longer I keep doing that, the better it is for me, the stronger and more calm and stable I am and the more positives I have going for me.


my goodness does this nail it
it applies to one and all
This is a truth that we all should be advised of
Kenzo files it for his prosperity

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 04, 2016 9:18 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
my ex believes that the prostitutes that I had sex with must have been attractive, the truth is that some were and some most certainly not,
what mattered , what was important was the act and not the person, the only person that did matter was the addicted me

when I say the act I mean the whole act, including the research, the driving there not knowing, the meeting, the choosing, the small talk, the massage etc etc the person was almost irrelevant and was objectified to such a degree that she was not really a person

Now at this time I was in a marriage so did I treat my wife in those same terms?

Harrowing thought and harrowing question

The truth is sometime yes

Sometimes I used her for sex, sometimes I f****d, but I also made love, giving her pleasure, fulfilling her needs and desires, but sometimes was not and never can be enough

In recovery I have learned not to objectify indeed I have many times been fooled by appearances, so I no longer judge
I have learned how to love
I have learned how to be loved
I have learned truth and empathy

My point in writing this is as a reminder to myself (and others who read this) that addiction and true loving relationships cannot co – exist
Recovery means everything and quite rightly so
as an aside My ex told me this weekend that she would like to re marry me in church, early days but one giant leap forwards in particular in her healing

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 6:28 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
Quote:
one giant leap forwards in particular in her healing


a reality check


in the past two days :

I told my ex not to shout at me as I am not a dog
her response
Quote:
well why did you act like on and treat me worse than one?


When watching a quiz show where she demonstrated a depth of general knowledge
I said , Oh you are good
her response
Quote:
too good for you


these quips hurt but the reality is that they are true
I need to take them on the chin
the point I note is that the pain and hurt are still (and perhaps always will be ) deep into her core, healing is an extremely difficult process

I know that her healing is her responsibility
my role is to be supportive and patient
my responsibility is to ensure that U turns (if any) are not caused by me actions

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 08, 2016 4:32 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
reflecting

Quote:
the point I note is that the pain and hurt are still (and perhaps always will be ) deep into her core, healing is an extremely difficult process


perhaps resentment should have been included with the pain and hurt
I hope and pray that the resentment is related to the things that I did rather the me who did them, but expect that those two aspects are so closely intertwined that they (certainly at times ) are impossible to separate

perhaps a question for the community forum?


nevertheless I need to, and do, accept the consequences of my past and continue to ensure that that is where they stay, in my past
I own my history

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2016 11:19 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
saved for future reference

viewtopic.php?f=2&t=24653

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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