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PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2018 4:36 am 
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As a believer of "using every useful tool in the box"
I shamelessly up-lift the following prompts / reminders from Anon's thread
Thanks for these Anon

Quote:
I don't need to give my acting out behaviours ANY power over me. If I act out, it's a choice.



RN doesn't keep me from acting out. It's my choice. RN is a guide, not a solution. Life management is the solution, but RN will always be a part of my life because I choose to use the tools it provided to assist in finding and rebuilding myself.

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Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2019 5:12 am 
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I wrote the old adage of once an addict always an addict, which I know to be untrue
This plus 62,s question “what is love” got me thinking about the way that I and then we, think
For sure we can all, in health, have congruent values and boundaries , but do we then see them slightly differently as we are all uniquely different and can we as active addicts actually have some of those same or similar values?

Male thinking could differ from female, young from old, culture from culture, parent from child, teacher from student, sex addict from healthy being, sex addict from partner

One personal example I can bring to mind:

I know that I was addicted to sex I was a lying cheating bastard, but in my denial I compartmentalised my thoughts and thus deeds, I lied to myself in my denial, I know that in doing this that I must have recognised that I was doing wrong and causing harm otherwise why hide the facts? But I denied it all

I never considered myself as a sex addict nor did I believe that I was causing harm, all that acting out with all of the related implications were “safely” compartmentalised probably so as not to add to my guilt

I was caught, I self analysed and admitted that I was an addict, but in my thinking both then and now I was and am more than an addict, I believe that I had some of those same or similar values cultured and nurtured by healthy persons, however I also recognise that the deeper that I got into my addiction the more at risk these became

My ex saw me as her “perfect partner” then on D day discovered that to be a lie
After D day and mainly due to my stupid and hence reckless damaging minimisation, withholding and drip feeding , (please do learn from my mistakes!) she saw me as that addict who had destroyed her life past and present
Our thinking, opposed and poles apart were both correct and served our individual needs

So am I simply trying to justify?NO
Am I simply trying to minimise or excuse?NO
Am I just rambling on? Possibly

I am simply recording part of my journey, stressing that there are two ends to every stick , reminding that tolerance is positive but should never be taken for granted and that particularly in recovery listening is a value to be honoured, even when as is often the case we do not like what we hear

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Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2019 7:20 am 
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I posted recently about my thought regarding how we all think differently, in this process I revisited a post from THE COACH which i found to be informative and useful
I have abridged that post herein but should anyone reading it feel that they would benefit from the whole post it can be found on the recovery nation site

Coach Jon wrote

Quote:
Your Unique Path through Recovery
You are a unique person. Literally. No other person in the history of the world has ever had to deal with the same set of conditions that you have. There has been no one who has had the same combination of experiences as you. No one who has lived the life that you have been forced to live. So, in that sense...you are completely unique.
let's consider your own feelings and perceptions as they relate to your compulsive behavior. To fully understand you must have an understanding of the extreme emotions that only your unique combination of thoughts, experiences and behaviors can generate. You must come to the realization that nobody else is capable of experiencing these compulsive emotions as intensely as you. No one else can generate the overwhelming urges that your thoughts produce inside your head. It is why you continue to struggle the way that you do, while others are able to put an end their compulsions. They were lucky. Their feelings weren't as intense as yours, with the possible exception being those who have also tried to stop, but have been unable to. These guys understand: the feelings that you are experiencing are just too extreme to control consistently.
Many adopt these thought patterns — which are absolutely , completely, and unequivocally false
You feel completely alone in your ability to manage the intensity of these urges.
You are at the mercy of your own emotional management skills.

Now realise that when it comes to recovery , you are not unique. In fact, quite the opposite. You have actually sacrificed much of your uniqueness as your obsessions/compulsions/addictions have grown. The more entrenched the patterns of addiction become, the more common is your “uniqueness". Eventually, when your values deteriorate to the point of offering little to no actual value; when your boundaries have disintegrated completely, offering you and those around you no protection whatsoever...you become nothing more than a syndrome.

Compulsive behavior/addiction is a lonely, isolated experience.
An individual who must rely on compulsive behavior to regulate their emotions is a very lonely, isolated person at their core. And the longer they have had to deal with these compulsive patterns, the more lonely and isolated they have become. Eventually, the person can end up in complete isolation (at least emotionally), being left with only one means for generating comfort — acting out.
This is a common pattern played over and over and over again throughout our society. And what is most phenomenal about it, is that everyone involved in such a common pattern believes that, deep down, they are somehow "unique" in the way that they experience their urges. That they actually cannot recover because the intensity of their experiences are just too strong. That they are defective...broken somehow.

So, if you find yourself struggling to believe that the intensity of your urges are somehow stronger than others who have moved beyond addiction, that begs the questions:
Why have so many others described their compulsive intensity with such striking similarity as your own?
Why do their compulsive behaviors produce the same consequences as your own?
Why do they believe that they cannot really recover?
Why are all of these "unique” lives so incredibly similar to your own?
The answer is: because addiction recovery is not found in the “how" or"why" you got to this point in your life; it is found in the development of the skills that will take you to the next point.

What is the truth?
The truth is that there is no 'unique path' to your addiction recovery process. The process that you need to experience in overcoming addiction is the same that every person with an addiction — and a desire to end that addiction — needs to experience.
The fact that recovery is not some mystical voodoo that some people get and others don't. Recovery applies to all. And it is no more complicated than understanding the very basics of human behavior — and then applying that knowledge to your own life.

SO REMEMBER THAT CHANGE IS INEVITABLE BUT THAT WE DO HAVE CHOICE, SO CHOOSE WISELY AND MAKE THOSE CHOICES HEALTHY AND PERMANENT
CHOOSE NOW

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 25, 2019 5:53 am 
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I wrote a reminder to myself
Quote:
listening is a value to be honoured, even when as is often the case I do not like what I hear


Quite often and seemingly triggered by just about anything my ex throws out comments related to my previous actions
An example might be

How come you have never been to ------------------------- I suppose you were too busy in a brothel

These serve no purpose that I can see, am I wrong? Her venting does not appear to move her healing forwards
I find that the best way to deal with such comment is to let it go, not easy sometimes but what is the alternative?
I could react but the comments do have elements of truth even if they are not the reality nor relevant, what I am guarded about is that I will never allow such comments or other related actions to draw me into any level of self pity
IMO self pity is a common trait in addiction so Kenzo, analyse this thought further

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Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2019 10:17 am 
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I wrote
Quote:
I will never allow any actions to draw me into any level of self pity

I say this because I have been there, I believe that self pity coupled to its co-joined twin of low self esteem led me into selfishness and addiction
I am not suggesting for one second that my journey into my own abyss was predetermined, the number of times that I have written the word self in the preceding lines endorses that my addiction was my doing

Yes I can and indeed have noted in my thread possible triggers for my journey of self destruction but again self means me
I made choices, nobody forced me to embrace my compulsive and damaging actions
I have now chosen healthily, hence I will never allow any actions to draw me into any level of self pity



IMO self pity is a common trait in addiction and it breeds nothing but negatives, but it is so easy to fall into , Kenzo remain standing and accountable and you alone are your own responsibility

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Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 8:24 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Last night a line from a TV drama resonated with me so I note herein as a reminder
"the opposite of truth is not simply lies, it is chaos!"

how true that is in disclosure
Failing in disclosure destroys, I know this from experience

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 6:21 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 393
Hi Kenzo,

Thanks for your post. I watched the same programme and the same thought popped into my head when that line was said too.

Your post and my feedback provided to another member this morning provoked another thought in my mind in relation to your recovery where I would be interested in your thoughts. Like myself, you were "caught" and you have recorded well in your thread the regret over drip feeding the details to your wife at the time But I wonder if you had come to RN before you were caught whether you feel that you would have confessed about your acting out to your wife voluntarily or not? It is perhaps an unfair question because a) this wasn't the order of events for you at the time and b) you are very much a different person now to who you were then but this is a dilemma that will be faced by many members who are here because they have had enough of the addiction but have not (yet) been caught by their partners. How far should their value of "honesty" go, should they confess all knowing what the possible consequences of such a confession may be? At the end of the day it is for each to decide but there are some clear ramifications regardless of what side of the fence each individual lands.

I know that you like these conundrums to chew over but I am sure that many would be interested to hear your reflections on this as would I.

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L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 11, 2019 7:06 am 
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L2R dropped by and asked
Quote:
If you had come to RN before I was caught do I feel that I would have confessed about my acting out to my wife voluntarily or not?

I know that you like these conundrums to chew over but I am sure that many would be interested to hear your reflections on this as would I.

Great question and one that deserves to be fully chewed over, so as this process is taking time I will post when fully digested, my response can only reflect me so perhaps in the interim putting this on the community forum might be interesting and worthwhile

Meanwhile
I posted recently that I would not allow self pity into my life, yet my ex has told me that when confronted by her caustic off the cuff, but always based upon the reality of my past, my history, comments, that I feel sorry for myself

I have thought through and analysed her opinion times over and conclude that she is still seeing me as I was

We spoke about this and she told that it hurts just as much today as it did on D day and thereafter, do not expect this to change

So as she is the victim of me the perpetrator, of my doing and always will be so
that leads me back to me being forever guilty, a fact that I accepted early in my journey

I believe that this line of thinking is the kernel of the old adage of once an addict always an addict, whose eyes do I /we see ourselves through?

Remember that guilt and shame can hold us back on our journeys, but only if we allow it to be so, we need to own them otherwise the reverse will be the case

Another conundrum to chew over !

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 14, 2019 4:02 am 
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Quote:
If I had come to RN before I was caught do I feel that I would have confessed about my acting out to my wife voluntarily or not?


My off the bat answer is yes
However that answer is heavily influenced by that all powerful tool – hindsight

I say yes now because my ex knows all and we still have a loving relationship, OK we do not have the intimacy, she does not trust and we both suffer the pain of my actions, in particular the withholding and eventual drip feeding
I say yes now because I know and accept that we all have the right of choice and she has that right to choose with whom she shares, or not, without the truth and the whole truth I would and indeed did withhold that right of considered choice and that is totally and fundamentally wrong, manipulative perhaps even evil

saying yes now is so much easier than it was those years ago
I found RN because I realised, although did not fully accept, that I had a serious character flaw, an addiction that was all too easy to deny, I had after all a lifetime of practice

If I had never got that shocking wake up call be being caught then I believe that I would not have found RN, would not have had the benefit of the experiences of THE COACH and others who provided guidance and influence, hence the question become hypothetical, ever though relevant and worthy of analysis

critical thoughts from THE COACH



Quote:
One of the most important aspects of living a healthy life is your ability to share your true self with the world around you. That means that the life you are living is the life that others know you to be living. A life without secrets. A life without fear (of your hidden decisions being discovered). A life without deception. A life where you take responsibility for every decision you make and every consequence that follows.


Quote:
It is a value that you must choose to adopt on your own for no other reason than it exemplifies the life you are striving to build, only you can choose this for yourself



Quote:
Remember as someone who has developed an addiction, you have also learned how to manipulate the way that you perceive yourself, addicts use honesty , or moreso lack of honesty,in terms of risk assessment. If I tell the truth, what might happen? If I engage in this action, how might I use deception to protect myself from taking full responsibility? If I lie, what are the chances she can prove that I was lying?


Quote:
Absolute honesty requires that you share your vulnerabilities as well as your strengths.


My drug of choice was centered around brothels hence in researching these the likelihood of finding RN was more than highly unlikely, those centered on porn ? perhaps more likely .I would be interested to know how and why those who were not found out, found RN, because for me to “wake up” required that cataclysmic event, hence my further post in the community forum

When I did start to confess as stated herein on my thread I minimised and drip fed, believing that I was protecting her, the reality is that I was protecting me and my addiction and that cost me everything!
So in the here and now I can and do say that I would have confessed voluntarily, however I admit that at the outset of my journey I did not have the balls to do so, I was weak, selfish , manipulative and wrong.

If I had my time again, hindsight is so powerful, I would have told her on that day that I held her hand and said that I had fallen in love with her, that I had an addictive problem but that I would recover , I would and should have given her the choice of knowing who / what she was / would be associated with

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2019 6:35 am 
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I recently posted

Quote:
I believe that this line of thinking is the kernel of the old adage of once an addict always an addict, whose eyes do I /we see ourselves through?

I do not accept this old adage, but I see me through my eyes, the eyes of a man recovered from sex addiction
I posted last autumn THE COACH’s thoughts on what is addiction, in summary

Quote:
Sexual addiction is nothing more than a continuing pattern of unwanted compulsive sexual behaviour that has had a negative impact on an individual's personal, social and/or economic standing
.
To me the key words are continuing pattern

My thoughts, actions and behaviours do not include any negative and harmful continuing patterns, hence I see myself as a man with a destructive past, put well behind but acknowledged and owned by him, living healthily until his end

Others mayl see me differently, some as an addict, some as an addict in limbo, some as a recovering addict, some as a recovered addict, but the reality is so long as I am honest and true and I believe in myself those other views matter not, they do not and will not impinge upon my journey,

The exception is the opinion and view of my ex, I accept that she sees me as I was, the destroyer of her life and memories, I live with that, striving always to demonstrate and prove positive change

Whose eyes do you see yourself through? make sure that they are your own eyes and that they are wide open!

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 29, 2019 4:35 am 
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I have just started to read Witnesses book and the following struck a chord

Quote:
What helped me understand how this desire works was imagining a person who tries to quench their thirst with seawater. They can drink until they pop, but they will only get thirstier.Saltwater can never quench anyone’s thirst; in the same way, the more a person looks at porn in an attempt to fulfil their need for intimacy, the needier they become


what a great and simple way to summarise addiction
thanks witness

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 12, 2019 4:44 am 
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I posted that I do not accept this old adage of once an addict always an addict, but I see me through my eyes, the eyes of a man recovered from sex addiction
Hence I considered the converse

Once recovered always recovered?

I look through those same eyes of a man recovered from sex addiction but yet I dont accept this as being a fact either

I could choose tomorrow to visit a brothel and have sex, I wont I know that because doing so would be making a choice, a choice that goes completely against my values and boundaries
But I could make that choice if I chose to do so

If I did then would I be back to square one? Back to rock bottom, No
That would require further choices

I do not believe in the term slips nor do I accept that, after a certain point in recovery, that they can happen
I do believe in temptation, in lack of commitment, in fear, in doubt, in minimising, but I categorise them as excuses, as are “slips” beyond that point in recovery where we can admit and be aware of ourselves and our addictive habits / choices
excuses that in recovery can be all too easy to make , but excuses nonetheless

So next conundrum
Once a victim of another’s addiction always a victim?
And does it then matter whose eyes one is looking through?

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 18, 2019 5:24 am 
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I asked myself
Quote:
Once a victim of another’s addiction always a victim?
And does it then matter whose eyes one is looking through?



IMO all victims of the actions of any sex addict are victims forever
They are victims even if they do not know that they are victims
Yes they can and do heal but the scars are still there, the pain may reduce but those triggers lurk in the background
We as addicts can recover, can make amends, can empathise and support, but we cannot undo what we did

Addicts need to live with our past and in recovery we need to own our history, but we also need to accept that our actions destroyed the past of those that we love and should have protected
does it matter whose eyes this is viewed through
IMO
No

So
Once a victim of another’s addiction always a victim?

If that one statement does nothing more than guard against complacency then it is worthwhile

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 30, 2019 4:34 am 
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Location: UK
Well how time flies
I am now into my tenth year here on RN
Why am I still here?
because I choose to be

RN gave me the support that I needed when I desperately needed it even though at that time I denied that I needed it

Thanks again Coach Jon R.I.P.and all current and previous members of this community
Recover / Heal and be well

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 22, 2019 4:36 am 
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My ex suggested that I am a psychopath


A psychopath is a person suffering from chronic mental disorder with abnormal or violent social behaviour.
My belief is that sex addiction is a choice not an illness or mental disorder however I did tick many of the psychopathic trait boxes
1. pathological lying #
2. glib and superficial charm #
3. grandiose sense of self
4. need for stimulation #
5. cunning and manipulative
6. lack of remorse or guilt #
7. shallow emotional response #
8. callousness and lack of empathy #
9. parasitic lifestyle
10. poor behavioural controls #
11. sexual promiscuity #
12. early behaviour problems
13. lack of realistic long-term goals
14. impulsivity #
15. irresponsibility #
16. failure to accept responsibility #
17. many short-term marital relationships
18. juvenile delinquency
19. revocation of conditional release
20. criminal versatility
Food for thought Kenzo, but no justification nor excuse for your past

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Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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