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PostPosted: Sun Aug 04, 2019 6:08 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Location: UK
My ex mistakenly but accusingly questioned something that she truly believed I had done
We fairly quickly resolved the situation when she realised that she had wrongly assumed but I reacted badly by playing the sulking hurt party
I had no right to do so and I recalled reading the quote below copied from the partner community

Quote:
Trust is difficult after you’ve been betrayed, and that’s an understatement. The fact is, your sense of safety is threatened and you’ve learned from experience that trusting someone like you once did left you extremely vulnerable and created a lot of pain
If you look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, your need for safety and personal security must be met before love and belonging — that is, you can’t experience love and belonging if you don’t feel safe and secure to begin with. For some reason, many partners feel under some sort of obligation to forgive and to trust as if that’s the gracious and admirable thing to do, like we’re supposed to be these saints of forgiveness and not to experience the “ugly” emotions of anger, jealousy, insecurity, fear and all the rest.

It just doesn’t work out like that for most of us who live in reality. Most addicts don’t become rigorously honest. Most addicts don’t disclose the full extent of their acting out. In fact, most addicts lie. The responsibility of trust building belongs to the addict. Yet if they continue to deceive in some way, even lie about things that have nothing to do with their addictions, why should we trust them? If our addict spouses don’t do the heavy lifting in the recovery of the relationship, that’s not doing much to rebuild trust either. Most partners end up feeling unfairly burdened by the mess the addict has created — plus we have to be forgiving, understanding, non judgemental, patient, tolerant etc etc AS WELL AS recover from our own trauma.

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 10, 2019 5:18 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3922
Location: UK
My goodness how time flies, its almost a year since my last health check
I believe that as I get older time appears to quicken,OK when you are 10 a year is 10% of your life and when you are 50 that year is only 2%
But time flying does not mean life simply passes by life in health is wonderful and should be embraced

My previous health checks included answering to myself specific questions
Have I done anything, thought anything, said anything that I am ashamed of recently?
Have I done anything to be proud of ?
Have I kept to my values?
Have I kept to my and others boundaries?
Have I recognised and managed my emotions
Have I had any urges ?
Have I felt remorse ?
Have I contributed to my and my ex’s well being ?
Am I still addicted to sex?

Now as I move on further into my journey I simplify my health check

Am I happy ? MORE THAN I CAN REMEMBER
Am I honest? YES WARTS AND ALL
Am I fulfilled? FOR SURE AND WILL BE EVER GRATEFUL FOR BEING SO
Do I miss sex? NO, BUT I DO MISS INTIMACY, KISSES AND CUDDLES
could I ever be tempted back into the life (was it really living?) that I had? TEMPTED i DOUBT IT BUT WHO KNOWS, I DO KNOW HOWEVER THAT I WOULD NOR COULD NEVER SUCCUMB TO ANY SUCH TEMPTATION
Am i a different man to the one who started out here almost ten years ago? I AM BUT I AM ALSO FULLY AWARE THAT CHANGE WAS INEVITABLE BUT THANKFULLY I CHOSE AND TOOK THE RIGHT DIRECTION

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 04, 2019 5:58 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3922
Location: UK
OK that is D Day plus 10
ten years ago I had the best worst day of my life, my cheating was discovered
OK it took a while to admit my addiction, to stop the denial, to tell the truth, but with the great help and support of my ex, RN and my resolve and commitment ,I got there
I believe that the worst possible imaginable outcome would have come to fruition if I had not been caught

I chose and achieved life
I can never fully make amends for the pain and damage that my whoring caused but that does not stop me from trying
I can never expect total the trust from my ex that my lying in particular destroyed, but again that does not stop me trying

I will do a full health check in the coming days, but meanwhile will continue in recovery, being free from the drive of compulsive destructive, worthless, sexual addiction
I made those choices
I have now chosen health and happiness
J I love you and I thank you for everything

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 24, 2019 6:06 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3922
Location: UK
I said in my last post that I would complete my health check

Previously I have self checked my behavioural and emotional health on daily, weekly, monthly and annual basis
So this time I intend a different approach, as I hurtle towards the conclusion of ten years here on RN and 50 years of adulthood I check my health over that whole period

Firstly I reflect on the various stages of my life in adulthood

Phase 1
I married simply for sex on tap, I had sex, sport and work

Phase 2
Sex became rationed so I turned to masturbation and as my perceived (as I now know) “need” increased I resorted to sex with prostitutes, I had sex, sport and work
I also had sex addiction but did not recognise that fact

Phase 3
I discovered love when I met J (my now ex) we made love but were best friends to boot
I had love ,friendship, happiness satisfying and fulfilling sex, everything that I had or could have ever dreamed of but unfortunately although unknown to me I still had un recognised by me, sex addiction, albeit now in abstinence

Then the drunken incident with B as recorded in my recovery thread

Phase 4
Understandably and justifiably our relationship changed, I had broken her trust and betrayed my vows. Our lives changed
Over time I compartmentalised my life
In one compartment I retained our love, friendship, marriage, but in another compartment I sought attention through my sex addiction, that I now know and accept that I chose to allow back into my life, I chose to lie and cheat
I chose to hurt and destroy

I was a F******g B******

Then came the best –worst day of my life D day I was caught as was always inevitable
Phase 5
Recovery
Initially I denied, lied, minimised (just ny bit of fun) (nobody was really getting hurt)
Then I found RN and my journey is documented in my thread

I am forever grateful for the support of my ex still my best friend, RN and the RN community, my SA Therapist Barbara and my own commitment and resolve

Phase 6
I am recovered, no question no doubt

So my health check
Is there any chance that my SA is simply in abstinence? NO
Is there any chance that my SA is simply in remission? NO
Is there any chance that I am or ever could become complacent? NO
Am I ashamed and guilty of my past actions? YES and I continue to try to make amends knowing that it will never undo the done
AM I responsible and Accountable for my past actions? YES
Do I hate myself? YES when I reflect upon the deceit and pain that I brought into life
Do I love myself? YES because I know how I took on and beat addiction and became a good guy

Am I happy? YES more than I have ever been mainly because I now know who I was and who I am now
Am I still in love with J? ABSOLUTELY more than ever and I will continue to strive to make her happy and to forgive the unforgivable to make amends and support her in her difficult healing
Does J trust me ? NO understandably, but I will never do anything again to betray her trust and will always endeavour to deserve her trust
Do I trust myself? YES
Have I missed anything in this health check? I EXPECT SO

I now intend to take a sabbatical from RN, so in the interim I wish this community BOTH SIDES all the best and happy Christmas

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2020 1:14 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3922
Location: UK
WOW how time flies
that is my 10th anniversary of being here on RN
has it been ten years of total and full commitment to recovery?
No there have been ups and downs, however the trend has been totally positive, hence beneficial

Ten and a half years ago I had the best worst day of my life, my cheating was discovered
OK it took a while to admit my addiction, to stop the denial, to tell the truth, but with the great help and support of my ex, RN and my resolve and commitment ,I got there

have I recovered?
According to google recovered is defined as ” return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.”
But what is normal?

In my adult life I never had a normal state of health, mind, or strength. I was a selfish, self gratifying, deceitful, reckless zombie acting solely on immediate gratification

Now? NO
I am a different person
RN helped an indeed gave me life

Am I in recovery?
No I am way beyond that and believe me there is no complacency in that statement
Am I boasting or bragging? How the hell could that be, my history tells my story, I know that I am addiction free and will forever be grateful for that fact

So the old question of the “truth” in the statement of once an addict always an addict

I have said before but say again I do not accept that statement, I do however believe that once an addict always an addict, is true unless and until that addicts stops the denial of addiction and accepts and hence commits to change, to recovery
If that causes offence to anyone struggling with addiction / recovery I am sorry but ask why it does?
If that helps anyone in the slightest to empowered by recovery , then job done

Happy and healthy anniversary Kenzo

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2020 5:34 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 70
Ups! I apologize :) I understand; this rule is reasonable :g:


Last edited by meadowlark on Wed Jun 03, 2020 12:35 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sat May 30, 2020 5:46 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3922
Location: UK
Hi ML

no harm done in your posting here but as a reminder to you and all others :

Quote:
Just a reminder:

Know that while you are welcome to review other people's Personal Healing/Recovery Threads for possible insights and experiences to apply to your own healing, you are asked not to post directly into another person's healing/recovery lesson response thread.

Hugs -

Coach Sue


viewtopic.php?f=13&t=23183


For sure coaches and mentors are encouraged to post into the threads of others after gaining experiences (good and bad) in their own journeys

but until then please do refrain
as said no harm done
good luck



_________________
"You are the designer of your destiny. You are the author. You write the story. The pen is in your hand, and the outcome is whatever you choose." Lisa Nichols

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2020 5:40 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3922
Location: UK
reading a fellow recovers thread re absolute boundaries prompts me to re state my own


I will tell the whole truth and ensure I have done or thought or sought nothing that shames ME

I will not hurt any person with whom I have any kind of relationship

I will not undertake any instant immediate gratification without ensuring that it would not affect my continuation into recovery
my its over three years since I last posted these but I do live by them everyday and upon review do not change one syllabub

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 08, 2020 7:16 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3922
Location: UK
Re reading some of my old posts
an exercise that I would encourage all to do
I read

Quote:
my reasons for wanting change were


I want to be happy
I want to be free of guilt
I never want to have to lie again
I want to feel self respect
I want to be respected
I want to see all people as people not objects
I want to live life and have fun openly
I dont want secrets
I dont want to risk my health nor my freedom
I want to have sex only with love
I want to give more than I receive
I want to know that I am not hurting myself or others
I want to be able to talk openly about and be comfortable with my sexuality
I want to think in the way that healthy people think
I dont want ever to have to make excuses for myself
I want to be clean not dirty and disgusting
I dont want to offend
I want to set a good example
I want to be free of the shame that I carry
I want to be in recovery not in abstinence


with two exceptions


I want to be free of guilt
I want to be free of the shame that I carry

I have achieved these goals and as I sit here today I do not want to lose my guilt or shame, I simply want to own them and use them as positives



now two to three years on
I do own that guilt and shame and I do get positivity from that fact

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2020 5:01 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3922
Location: UK
continuing re reading my old posts I remind myself of the four agreements
so I post them again acknowledging the difficulty of living by them to the letter on an everyday basis is certainly not easy
the essence and the respect of them is so so beneficial and rewarding

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don’t take anything personally.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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