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PostPosted: Sun Jul 09, 2017 8:17 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 210
It has been 11 months since I have been here . . .still as they say in SA, sober . . .no slips sexually . . . just finished 3 years with no inappropriate sexual activity . . .but still have issues with telling the whole truth immediately . . .making excuses for times that I do lie . . .ones that on the surface i rationalize as insignificant, but in the end they are lies and no excuse will make it a truth . . .reread the reminders, especially the coaches comments . . .understand once again consequences and impact that I have had on my spouse who incredibly is still letting me be here . . .actually my best coach and help . . .I am blessed.

These community posts were very helpful in the past to me . . .kind of a support group to talk to and be reminded of where I've been, where I am and where I am going. Looking forward with renewed values but sometimes reminded of the road behind, on and ahead. How are you doing?


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 10, 2017 10:26 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 210
I can see that there have been 16 views of this post . . .why no response . . I was a Lone Ranger for way too long . . .I

was so screwed up . . .still recovering from being screwed up with 60some years of habits and thinking patterns that quite frankly leave me having to do stupid little calendars to write down the some of the most basic things just to remember to prioritize some things like getting the trash out in time for the early morning pickup and remembering to water the new trees every three days . . .my mind wanders . . does not always focus . . .gets content with where I am right now . . .I can't seem to just remember . . .I need to write down seemingly everything . . .maybe its just getting old, but I think my mind is just susceptible to loss of focus so I need to do things differently to survive responsibly . . .and I have screwed up so many times that I can't afford to make mistakes because of the the triggers that I set off in others when I don't take care of the little things . . . the big things I seem to handle recognizing the destruction that goes with that ( porn, obsession with women, obviously the clubs and prostitutes) . . I keep moving forward on the little things that can also create big problems.( forgetting to be responsible, remembering to focus on what is true, good and honorable and just existing and being satisfied with feeling good that I am not out trying to have sex)

Not where I was but not yet where I want and need to be.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 11, 2017 2:20 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 210
Kind of talking to myself here, but bottom line . . .
that didn't last long . . .at my core I am still selfish and have a difficult time putting little things, that are really big things into action . . .

This morning watched a great video, one section about the addiction of cell phones and how they can destroy relationships . . .even mentioned to my wife how true the words were . . .then about four hours later show total disrepect to my wife by listening to a message on my cell phone while she is talking to me . . .what does that communicate to her . . .that she doesn't matter and is not important to me . . .what positive value does that line up with . . .none!!!

It communicates the same thing that watching porn did . . .to seeing prostitutes . . . on the surface nothing close to the same but in reality . . .the same when it comes to building relationship . . .so sad . . .I continue to need to focus, actually put into action the values that I SAY I have . . .
I need a much higher SAY/DO ratio!


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 11, 2017 2:23 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 210
Here is the link to the video I mentioned . . .although not a mention of sex . . . some real truths related to addiction

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HK97VG-m3W0


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 12, 2017 4:35 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 112
Hi,
Thanks for your video. interesting an inspiring.

I feel frustrated these days as well. For 1 week I did not write anything on my little note book, the one I am supposed to use to monitor daily my health, describe my emotion, define and follow goals... Of course nothing obliged me to write everyday, but most probably my current emotional state and this lack of attention for 1 week are related...

I may understand the frustration behind your statement "...to do stupid little calendars to write down the some of the most basic things".
Sometime I feel sad, I think I feel sad, about the fact that nothing is and will be innocent in my life anymore. Sometime I feel bored. I feel selfish. I am despair by my lack of listening, my lack of attention...

But I will not turn back. 2 steps forward, 1 step backward, it is still 1 step forward.

So maybe I will continue to live my entire life with this monitoring, these "little calendars" or notebook, but until now I have really the feeling to live my life.
Frustration is an emotion. it carries a message: I should do another way or I should let it go.

So I open my note book, and I re-consider my need, and I monitor. step by step.

As said in your video, this life is less easy, but far more ambitious, and bring sense and value.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 12, 2017 4:36 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 112
Hi,
Thanks for your video. interesting an inspiring.

I feel frustrated these days as well. For 1 week I did not write anything on my little note book, the one I am supposed to use to monitor daily my health, describe my emotion, define and follow goals... Of course nothing obliged me to write everyday, but most probably my current emotional state and this lack of attention for 1 week are related...

I may understand the frustration behind your statement "...to do stupid little calendars to write down the some of the most basic things".
Sometime I feel sad, I think I feel sad, about the fact that nothing is and will be innocent in my life anymore. Sometime I feel bored. I feel selfish. I am despair by my lack of listening, my lack of attention...

But I will not turn back. 2 steps forward, 1 step backward, it is still 1 step forward.

So maybe I will continue to live my entire life with this monitoring, these "little calendars" or notebook, but until now I have really the feeling to live my life.
Frustration is an emotion. it carries a message: I should do another way or I should let it go.

So I open my note book, and I re-consider my need, and I monitor. step by step.

As said in your video, this life is less easy, but far more ambitious, and bring sense and value.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 13, 2017 4:51 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 210
Thanks for the interaction . . .life seems so simple when I put things into focus and perspective and walk by the values that are positive . . .I am at a point where most of time this is almost normal . . .but there is the realization that my mind has not been "normal" , whatever that is for the last lot of years so I need to remember . . .not dwell on the past . . .but remember where I was, where I am today and where I need and want to be going forward . . .be encouraged! Today I am . . .tomorrow I hope to be but know that down the road we can be an encouragement for each other . . .


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 16, 2017 12:53 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 210
Once again I fell back to a bad habit . . .made a mistake and then tried to cover it to make myself feel not bad about making a mistake . . .it was over something that really doesn't matter . . .shouldn't matter ( following directions to get on the freeway). it matters a whole bunch when I minimize it and act like it's nothing . . realize that because I have done the crap that I have done . . .these things matter! Just admit that I was wrong . . .live with it . .. own the fact that I for years and years have used this behavior to make myself feel good . . .just admit it . . .own it and most of the time . . .maybe not all of the time, but most of the time being honest will prevail . . .the worst honest response is better than the best lie! . . .there is no good lie . . .own it . . .thankful for a helpful wife that continues to not let me get off when I fall back . . .yes it is a big deal . . .realize it . . .keep moving forward!


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2017 7:33 am 
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Joined: Sat Jun 04, 2011 10:57 pm
Posts: 314
DBAck wrote:
life seems so simple when I put things into focus and perspective and walk by the values that are positive . . .I am at a point where most of time this is almost normal
there's a vigilance you will learn to maintain. Caution that complacency may set in. Complacency that will take you right back to
DBAck wrote:
Once again I fell back to a bad habit

Go back and try to recall the feelings you were having when you "fell back". Learn from that and use it as a trigger to alert you of where you've already been. And yes
DBAck wrote:
just admit it . . .own it
it will keep you honest with yourself. As you progress
DBAck wrote:
keep moving forward!
remember your vision. Have life goals, friendships, pillars for stability. The more you move in that direction, the less likely you will "fall back"

Be well...


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 12:44 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 210
The almost funny part of screwing up at this point is, it is not having anything to do with sexual perversion or fantasy or the crap that I was obsesses with . . .when I screw up it is relation to lying about some stupid little what should be insignificant thing . . .the same ridiculous pattern, just not related to the sexual aspects most times, but with all the crap that I did over those 10 lost years, i still have no credibiltiy and nothing is small any longer . . .

thanks for the encouragement


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 3:48 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:10 pm
Posts: 504
Dback - I can recognise much of what you say there. I too find myself being dishonest or concealing about small, insignificant issues and when I stop and analyse it, in some ways I think it comes down to a bit of a battle for 'control' or rebelling against what my addict side considers as restrictions or cramps on the lifestyle my addictive personality would choose to lead. So what if I buy that cake or muffin to eat, it's just a way of proving to myself that "I can get away with things" and "I've outsmarted my wife again" when in reality the only person I've outsmarted is myself and I've recreated guilt, shame and negative feelings in myself, which get reflected externally and picked up by my wife, which generates anxiety and concern on her part and makes her more tense and so the destructive cycle goes again.

In my case I know full well too that the small and insignificant items/issues can (and if not checked will) just snowball until I am back at the acting out stage again, so I need to recognise the situation whenever it appears and face it and deal with it. I know full well that I personally have an issue around food and if I start snacking on 'junk food' of any sort, then that is a red flag to me personally and I need to hit the 'pause' button and look at my life and what is going on.

I know that I still have a lot of confused feelings around the dynamics of my relationship with my wife. She is the main breadwinner and the dynamic force in wanting to do things and make changes and improvements in our life and on so many levels I am happy with that and glad that she drives a lot of that in our life. I recognise that for many years I took her for granted and was very selfish in my attitudes and in setting the agenda and programme for our lives and could not see how selfish I was and how much she resented that. Now that the dynamic has shifted so much to the other way, I still have times I realise that I let resentment build up and seek these small ways to convince myself that "I'm the boss". Resentments and jealousy are very toxic to me and so I need to clear them away and concentrate on the positive and healthy things in our lives and not let the negative stuff build up.

I guess we both are confused about the dynamic of our relationship at times and we both struggle at times to work out the best way and don't communicate as well as we should. Sometimes we are both being too polite and going "after you, no after you, no after you" in our life and at other times we are operating on the assumption that the other person understands and is fully committed to our own agenda and then get surprised when we reach a sticking point somewhere. I guess we don't sit down and practice our communication skills as much as we should do. I don't just mean on the level of "what's for dinner?" or "Have you put the washing on?" but proper communication, dealing with feelings and emotions and plans and all that stuff that we struggle to talk about. Neither of us are perfect, so we can both improve greatly in that area, remembering that communication is as much about listening as talking too!

I seem to have got into a bit of a long-winded response to your posts, but thank you for the opportunity. I know that I seem to work things out best when I can sit and ramble about them for a while on the keyboard. Thanks and I hope you are going well at the moment!


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 1:17 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 210
Thanks for sharing your thoughts . . .and yes totally recognize many of the things you brought up . . .the crap that I have done has made everything a big deal . . .building up any trust requires being honest in the big things and in the smallest of things . . .I recognize that and even at 65 years old need to remember the devastation that my dishonesty and infidelity created in our lives . . not to dwell on it, but to remember the effect that it has had on my wife . . .no excuses, just be honest and do what is right . .

thanks for sharing your thoughts


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