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PostPosted: Sun Jul 09, 2017 8:17 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 187
It has been 11 months since I have been here . . .still as they say in SA, sober . . .no slips sexually . . . just finished 3 years with no inappropriate sexual activity . . .but still have issues with telling the whole truth immediately . . .making excuses for times that I do lie . . .ones that on the surface i rationalize as insignificant, but in the end they are lies and no excuse will make it a truth . . .reread the reminders, especially the coaches comments . . .understand once again consequences and impact that I have had on my spouse who incredibly is still letting me be here . . .actually my best coach and help . . .I am blessed.

These community posts were very helpful in the past to me . . .kind of a support group to talk to and be reminded of where I've been, where I am and where I am going. Looking forward with renewed values but sometimes reminded of the road behind, on and ahead. How are you doing?


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 10, 2017 10:26 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 187
I can see that there have been 16 views of this post . . .why no response . . I was a Lone Ranger for way too long . . .I

was so screwed up . . .still recovering from being screwed up with 60some years of habits and thinking patterns that quite frankly leave me having to do stupid little calendars to write down the some of the most basic things just to remember to prioritize some things like getting the trash out in time for the early morning pickup and remembering to water the new trees every three days . . .my mind wanders . . does not always focus . . .gets content with where I am right now . . .I can't seem to just remember . . .I need to write down seemingly everything . . .maybe its just getting old, but I think my mind is just susceptible to loss of focus so I need to do things differently to survive responsibly . . .and I have screwed up so many times that I can't afford to make mistakes because of the the triggers that I set off in others when I don't take care of the little things . . . the big things I seem to handle recognizing the destruction that goes with that ( porn, obsession with women, obviously the clubs and prostitutes) . . I keep moving forward on the little things that can also create big problems.( forgetting to be responsible, remembering to focus on what is true, good and honorable and just existing and being satisfied with feeling good that I am not out trying to have sex)

Not where I was but not yet where I want and need to be.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 11, 2017 2:20 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 187
Kind of talking to myself here, but bottom line . . .
that didn't last long . . .at my core I am still selfish and have a difficult time putting little things, that are really big things into action . . .

This morning watched a great video, one section about the addiction of cell phones and how they can destroy relationships . . .even mentioned to my wife how true the words were . . .then about four hours later show total disrepect to my wife by listening to a message on my cell phone while she is talking to me . . .what does that communicate to her . . .that she doesn't matter and is not important to me . . .what positive value does that line up with . . .none!!!

It communicates the same thing that watching porn did . . .to seeing prostitutes . . . on the surface nothing close to the same but in reality . . .the same when it comes to building relationship . . .so sad . . .I continue to need to focus, actually put into action the values that I SAY I have . . .
I need a much higher SAY/DO ratio!


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 11, 2017 2:23 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 187
Here is the link to the video I mentioned . . .although not a mention of sex . . . some real truths related to addiction

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HK97VG-m3W0


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 12, 2017 4:35 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 108
Hi,
Thanks for your video. interesting an inspiring.

I feel frustrated these days as well. For 1 week I did not write anything on my little note book, the one I am supposed to use to monitor daily my health, describe my emotion, define and follow goals... Of course nothing obliged me to write everyday, but most probably my current emotional state and this lack of attention for 1 week are related...

I may understand the frustration behind your statement "...to do stupid little calendars to write down the some of the most basic things".
Sometime I feel sad, I think I feel sad, about the fact that nothing is and will be innocent in my life anymore. Sometime I feel bored. I feel selfish. I am despair by my lack of listening, my lack of attention...

But I will not turn back. 2 steps forward, 1 step backward, it is still 1 step forward.

So maybe I will continue to live my entire life with this monitoring, these "little calendars" or notebook, but until now I have really the feeling to live my life.
Frustration is an emotion. it carries a message: I should do another way or I should let it go.

So I open my note book, and I re-consider my need, and I monitor. step by step.

As said in your video, this life is less easy, but far more ambitious, and bring sense and value.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 12, 2017 4:36 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 108
Hi,
Thanks for your video. interesting an inspiring.

I feel frustrated these days as well. For 1 week I did not write anything on my little note book, the one I am supposed to use to monitor daily my health, describe my emotion, define and follow goals... Of course nothing obliged me to write everyday, but most probably my current emotional state and this lack of attention for 1 week are related...

I may understand the frustration behind your statement "...to do stupid little calendars to write down the some of the most basic things".
Sometime I feel sad, I think I feel sad, about the fact that nothing is and will be innocent in my life anymore. Sometime I feel bored. I feel selfish. I am despair by my lack of listening, my lack of attention...

But I will not turn back. 2 steps forward, 1 step backward, it is still 1 step forward.

So maybe I will continue to live my entire life with this monitoring, these "little calendars" or notebook, but until now I have really the feeling to live my life.
Frustration is an emotion. it carries a message: I should do another way or I should let it go.

So I open my note book, and I re-consider my need, and I monitor. step by step.

As said in your video, this life is less easy, but far more ambitious, and bring sense and value.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 13, 2017 4:51 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 187
Thanks for the interaction . . .life seems so simple when I put things into focus and perspective and walk by the values that are positive . . .I am at a point where most of time this is almost normal . . .but there is the realization that my mind has not been "normal" , whatever that is for the last lot of years so I need to remember . . .not dwell on the past . . .but remember where I was, where I am today and where I need and want to be going forward . . .be encouraged! Today I am . . .tomorrow I hope to be but know that down the road we can be an encouragement for each other . . .


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 16, 2017 12:53 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 187
Once again I fell back to a bad habit . . .made a mistake and then tried to cover it to make myself feel not bad about making a mistake . . .it was over something that really doesn't matter . . .shouldn't matter ( following directions to get on the freeway). it matters a whole bunch when I minimize it and act like it's nothing . . realize that because I have done the crap that I have done . . .these things matter! Just admit that I was wrong . . .live with it . .. own the fact that I for years and years have used this behavior to make myself feel good . . .just admit it . . .own it and most of the time . . .maybe not all of the time, but most of the time being honest will prevail . . .the worst honest response is better than the best lie! . . .there is no good lie . . .own it . . .thankful for a helpful wife that continues to not let me get off when I fall back . . .yes it is a big deal . . .realize it . . .keep moving forward!


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