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PostPosted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:29 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
This is an encouragement to participate . . .an encouragement to share . . .an encouragement to support each other . . .

Thanks for sharing . . .don't look at what we are sharing necessarily as advice but just sharing our experiences . . .
it is amazing how similar all of our experiences have been when we honestly share which ends up being a good support, reminder and encouragement to one another . . .it can be a great support system.

Thanks for sharing and being an encouragement by just being there for those of us, all together, dealing with the consequences of the horrendous decisions that we made, no excuses, no rationalizations, no BS, just the reality of moving forward in more positives directions.

Realize the path of destruction that our decisions have caused in our lives and the lives of others . . .but also the encouragement that comes with turning our values around and moving forward in positive directions . . .even amidst the "two steps forward, one step back times" realizing that we are not alone in these experiences can be encouraging and an impetus to keep moving forward!

Not a substitute for going through the lessons . . .just a little extra credit work!

Thanks for sharing!


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:37 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
So sharing a bit of where I am . . .

I was so screwed up . . .I appeared to have it all and was all together . . .that was not the case . . .still recovering from being screwed up with 60 some years of habits and thinking patterns that quite frankly leave me having to do stupid little calendars to write down the some of the most basic things just to remember to prioritize some things like getting the trash out in time for the early morning pickup and remembering to water the new trees every three days . . .my mind wanders . . does not always focus . . .
The worst part . . . it gets content with where I am right now . . .I can't seem to just remember . . .I need to write down seemingly everything . . .maybe its just getting old, but really I think my mind is just susceptible to loss of focus so I need to do things differently to survive responsibly . . .and I have screwed up so many times that I can't afford to make mistakes because of the the triggers that I set off in my wife when I don't take care of the little things . . . the big things I seem to handle recognizing the destruction that goes with that ( porn, obsession with women, obviously the clubs and prostitutes) . . I keep moving forward on the little things that can also create big problems.( forgetting to be responsible, remembering to focus on what is true, good and honorable and just existing and being satisfied with feeling good that I am not out trying to have sex with every woman I see)

Not where I was but not yet where I want and need to be.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 3:33 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 114
Hi DB,

Thanks for this post. Sharing experience through forum helps to make thing real, not only in my mind. It is helpful. and it is inspiring... Internet is not as good a meeting, but I fully agree it is important to share.

I am afraid of the void, the emptiness... I see sometime all my "to do list" and all kind of reminders, or actions plan as something motivated by the fear of emptiness, and the fear to return to what I have. I feel shame of my lack of skill in term of life management. Everything seems so smooth to healthy people, kind of thing I am obliged to include in a to do list, to log on smart phone task list... I am afraid of emptiness, I am afraid to miss something.

The fear is a valuable emotion as far as enable to keep awareness, to not be complacent. In a sense, and considering what I did, it is not unhealthy.

Am I healthy? I do not think so... Still this fear to not be perfect, to not match the perfect image...

In parallel, I share transparently my agenda, my to do list, and the time management is an opportunity to discuss with my wife. An opportunity to a future. To share my task list, my schedule with my family, is to show them respect as well. It is a way to feel accountant for what I will do. And I see that my "unatural way" (note everything) to compensate this weakness (my poor time organization) become more and more natural, and I would even say a "healthy process".

I just finished a long discuss with my wife, and I can say, that most of our discuss was about, time management. It seems my partner is able to share with me about time management... these "tools" makes me finally someone trustable and reliable. And this is a big difference.

Maybe you could see this habit only as a practical tool to improve a deficiency? RN lesson promote a lot such practical tool trough monitoring approach...

Just to finish this post, the other part of the discuss with my wife was a about a couple we know and who lives the same situation as us 2 years ago. The wife has called my partner to tell the situation (discolure that her husband has affairs for several years, visit prostitutes...).
How did I react? how do I feel? I feel sad for this family destoyed, I feel sorry for my wife, for this woman. And I really do not understand anymore, this has no sense... and I see myself, 2 years before. How long I took before to decide for recovery. How much pain I gave to my wife. How much I was cruel to her at the time of disclosure, how much I deny my problem, put all responsibility on her. How long I lied to her, how much my way to think to behave was so disturb... I feel shame, I am sorry. I won't forget who I was.
Tonight we shared a lot with my wife about how do we feel. Not easy to talk about past. She is stronger now. She advised the woman to visit RN, to protect herself and her children, to implement boundaries... But it is of course a very painful memory and I feel so sorry.
By the way, we are able to talk about painful event as well...

I wanted just to share. Just share my thought.

There is no perfect day, the past is present, the past is in the present, but I see and I share sunlight with my partners everyday. Opportunity to see that I move forward, on a path I have chosen, in a healthy way.

Thanks DB for your post and this invitation to share.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 17, 2017 10:24 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Thanks for sharing . . .staying strong . . .realizing the consequences but moving forward . . .

Hey you other 30+ guys that read this without posting something . . .a lone ranger is a dead ranger! Help us, let us help you!
Share to encourage and to grow. Do the lessons , but also be a part of the community!


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 18, 2017 2:05 am 
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Joined: Fri Feb 14, 2014 5:18 pm
Posts: 327
I agree - Great to share. ALSO great to hear about similar struggles with time and life management - I have also ( do also ) resent having to write down a time table of what needs to be done BUT always find it helps me get better control of my day.
The resistance comes partly from not wanting to feels as if I NEED to do this- that I should be able to manage my day / life WITHOUT the need for writing things down like an older person suffering Alzheimer's....

However, if it helps then maybe I should just be brave enough to do it - as it works and isn't that the most important thing?


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 19, 2017 10:19 am 
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Joined: Mon May 29, 2017 10:46 am
Posts: 38
Thank you for sharing. I am just getting stuck into this sharing part of the program and am finding it really helpful. Great not to feel alone. I am doing okay in my recovery (i think) but I know I have so many distortions and twisted values that I have a long way to go to change my core issues.

After many years of affairs and constant lying to my wonderful guy I am finally able to be faithful and honest. But it has taken me a lot of hard work to get this far. So I am working through the RN program after starting the couples program stage 1,and being diverted to do the recovery program at stage 2.

So far I am at lesson 11 and hoping to keep going.

Just wanted to say thank you to all that participate with this program.


Osctaz


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 1:38 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
From AI73
Quote:
The resistance comes partly from not wanting to feels as if I NEED to do this- that I should be able to manage my day / life WITHOUT the need for writing things down like an older person suffering Alzheimer's....


I am so fortunate to just to be able to write down things I need to do during the day . . .I have taken the attitude that "I GET TO"
do these things because in reality I should be on the street after the crap that I did to betray my vows and lie and cheat and steal time and money from our family . . whenever i get to the point that I feel like "I HAVE to do this" I think about the alternative and am blessed to able to "GET" to do these things.
Hope this perspective helps someone!


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 9:01 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 56
I thought I would share to try and keep this helpful community thread going and take it back up the forum date list again. I have only been on RN for a couple of weeks now and am up to Lesson 19. I have had urges for the last 40 or so years and really thought that was just in my DNA and there wasn't much I could do about it. Over recent years when I have been caught out I have made the usual promises to change and my behaviour improves (through fear if I am being honest with myself) and then as things calm down again it all starts to happen again. I have tried researching ways of trying to overcome this addiction for a long time now but most roads appeared to take you down a professional advice route (with associated costs that will appear on bank statements) or involved using religion to help overcome urges which is just not my thing. I then almost by accident stumbled across RN and was fascinated by it. Having in the past been addicted to smoking (stopped 5 years ago) and alcohol (stopped 1 year ago) as well as sex (work in progress!) then it perhaps comes as no surprise that I have become a little obsessive about RN. I recognise that in myself though and have been trying to channel that enthusiasm in giving me the dedication to steadily move through the lessons each day. So far so good.

All of that said, whilst it is early days I have strangely found the changes in myself quite dramatic. I think learning that this addiction isn't a DNA thing but something that I can unlearn by focussing on healthy things that I will want long term has taken a weight off me. I feel that there is real optimism now and a way out of this nightmare. If I am honest I feel fragile because it is only 2 weeks in and I haven't had to encounter something dangerous to react to yet and we will see how that goes as and when it happens but I have had no urges to act out for 2 weeks which is unheard of for me. I am droning on but although I am fairly new here if these words offer some encouragement to others who are passing through then they were worth recording. Thanks to RN for offering this great facility and keep it going everyone!


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 12, 2017 2:10 am 
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Joined: Fri Feb 14, 2014 5:18 pm
Posts: 327
Great that you have seen progress learning to run and even better that you recognise that you are likely to encounter harder times on your journey - now is the time to battle down the hatches and prepare to reduce the risk of future risks.
LOVED what Snack said about "getting" the opportunity to plan my day out rather than seeing it as a chore....
It's all about perception and that will help me to change mine


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2017 9:14 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Quote:
I can unlearn by focussing on healthy things that I will want long term has taken a weight off me. I feel that there is real optimism now and a way out of this nightmare. If I am honest I feel fragile because it is only 2 weeks in and I haven't had to encounter something dangerous to react to yet and we will see how that goes as and when it happens but I have had no urges to act out for 2 weeks which is unheard of for me.


Thanks for sharing . . .sorry I have been AWOl from the site . . .the good news is I am not AWOL from focusing on healthy things . . .stay the course . . .there will be discouragements and challenges but I love your statement " a way out of this nightmare"!
I am 3 1/2 years in and staying on the dream side and away from the nightmares of the crap hole that i was living in! Stay the course . . .it is worth it!


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