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PostPosted: Sun Jul 22, 2018 12:43 pm 
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Joined: Sat Feb 17, 2018 11:00 pm
Posts: 12
Random thoughts on my experience:

I am able to start strong and keep in mind how my behaviour has hurt my wife and that I am responsible for our current situation, but I gradually lose sight of that. My emotions slowly overtake my intellectual assessment and I become more and more aware of what upsets me about our situation and what I feel is missing. My views get clouded by this emotion and my attitude and judgement suffer as a result.

Does anyone else experience this pattern? Have you found any method that helps prevent it?


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2018 11:21 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3648
Location: UK
Hello RW
Quote:
My emotions slowly overtake my intellectual assessment and I become more and more aware of what upsets me about our situation and what I feel is missing.


Hence perhaps you start to expect changes in her, commensurate with your own??????
Is that fair?

Firstly you need to ask yourself what permanent positive changes have you made in yourself, how long did they take and how much effort was required, then consider that the two of you were journeying through life together, but you also had a secret, you, a you that even if you denied was harmful ,you knew it was dishonest and certainly would be damaging if made known
She knew nothing of this

So like every addict in a relationship you started from totally different points post D day

Firstly she has to get over the shock
Then the disbelief and finally the acceptance
Then she has to decide if she wants to get to know the hidden you
This all takes time, energy and of course emotion
So how can she progress at the same rate as you the addict? :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe:



Quote:
My views get clouded by this emotion and my attitude and judgement suffer as a result.

remember that all emotions are finite and cyclic so you can and indeed must deal with them and make your progress for you demonstrating along the way that you do indeed deserve her

Quote:
I feel is missing

Again many things will be missing, likely that the past relationship and now "missing" elements are gone forever and some will be / are replaced by different healthier elements, as they are in my relationship with my ex and My D day was more than 8 years ago
but you / we need to ask ourselves how much did we truly value these elements when we were acting out

I add my quote fro my own thread
Quote:
EXPECT
: regard as likely to happen
To expect is also to ask for something to happen because you think you have a right to ask for it:
I thought that I was hoping to win back some element of trust from my ex , however I now believe that I was expecting this, what a T**T
What gives me, the perpetrator of her pain and suffering the right to expect anything from her?
Anything she gives or does not give is her choice and quite simply I need to be fully appreciative of that fact as well as anything she bestows
She on the other hand can expect truth, respect, love, honour,faithfulness, consistency and growth from me if I want to play any part in her present and future life


So you are not in a unique situation most if not all have been / are where you are
Best advice – Recover, value what you have and what she gives you, do not expect, do not pressurise,
provide her with what she needs

I would love to see your progress in your own thread and I do hope that you do indeed deserve her
hope this helps

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2018 1:07 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 96
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Hell yeah!
What you describe is classic emotional immaturity.
I describe this as my adult and child modes. I've had to force myself into adult more at times and it's easy to slide into child mode.
I crave normally. I just want to be me. To love my wife, not act out and just live a normal life.
Is this living a healthy life or is this copping out, being lazy, not growing?
This is why we need to monitor ourselves to keep focus and remind our inner self to grow.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2018 7:40 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 92
Location: Ireland
Hi Right Wolf, you said

Quote:
My emotions slowly overtake my intellectual assessment and I become more and more aware of what upsets me about our situation and what I feel is missing.


Is'nt this what Coach Jon is talking about when he says that if we learn to control our emotions we can control our addiction?

If my own emotions did'nt take over my intellectual assessment then I never would have entered a brothel, had an affair or even used pornography.
For me its a cycle - Feel bored, lonely , stressed or tired or similar emotional cue - then seek relief in a way that I have learned over years provides me with an intense outlet - then afterwards feel regret, shame and despair.

RN has helped me recognise this journey and 'steer the ship' away from the stormy waters that are approaching. Acceptance has been a help, I fought for years with teh thought that one day I would find teh answer, stumble across teh correct 'program' 'book' or therapist and leave those struggles behind me.

RN has also helped me accept that I may struggle to some degree with my emotions for the rest of my life but that does not have to be a death sentance, it allows me an opportunity to think and invest energy in teh things that really matter to me so rather thna needing emotional relief I seek emotional balance and maturity.
Again as Coiach Jon said - (paraphrasing) "Its not about learning to manage your addiction -its learning to manage your life"..

I know that it is not easy, I have struggled for many years and still do BUT I can see light in teh distance and that makes it worth the effort.

Good Luck in your own journey

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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