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 Post subject: Confessions
PostPosted: Mon Mar 11, 2019 12:02 pm 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 361
I recently posted feedback to a well-established member who had originally come to RN after having been caught acting out by his wife and I know that he is a very strong advocate of full disclosure without any drip feeding of information over time. As part of my feedback I asked how he thought he might have acted should he have found RN and started recovery prior to his D Day and whether he would have voluntarily disclosed his past acts if his wife was not suspicious of him at the stage.

Whilst I await his further thoughts on this I felt that it might be an interesting topic to throw out to the members via this forum. The natural instincts of an addict are to hide the secrets if they think they can get away with it. During recovery things are different though and there are usually commitments to honesty and openness but how far does that extend? Would you voluntarily confess or have you faced this dilemma? If anyone has thoughts on this please post a reply here.

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L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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 Post subject: Re: Confessions
PostPosted: Thu Mar 14, 2019 3:54 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3771
Location: UK
I am responding here in the community forum because I wish to broaden L2R’s question, I have elaborated further in my personal thread because I believe that honesty is one of the pillars of the foundation for recovery and I will be reflecting on my journey as I have done so in the previous times

I say yes now because my ex knows all and we still have a loving relationship

I say yes now because I know and accept that we all have the right of choice and she has that right to choose with whom she shares, or not, without the truth and the whole truth I would and indeed did withhold that right of considered choice and that is totally and fundamentally wrong, manipulative perhaps even evil

critical thought from THE COACH


Quote:
Honesty is a value that you must choose to adopt on your own for no other reason than it exemplifies the life you are striving to build, only you can choose this for yourself





in the here and now I can and do say that I would have confessed voluntarily, however I admit that at the outset of my journey I did not have the balls to do so, I was weak, selfish , manipulative and wrong.

My drug of choice was centered around brothels hence in researching these the likelihood of finding RN was more than highly unlikely, those centered on porn ? perhaps more likely .I would be interested to know how and why those who were not found out, found RN, because for me to “wake up” required that cataclysmic event
Response to BOTH questions would be informative and interesting, so thanks in anticipation

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Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: Confessions
PostPosted: Fri May 17, 2019 2:29 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 96
I was in denial right up until D-day and it was W who found RN not me.
Never had I sat down and analysed my life like this before, it has done me a power of good.

With regards to confession, I drip fed the information, but to some extent it was because I did not know how much information she wanted.
All of that was wrong and if I was going to do it again, I would give full disclosure from the outset.

To answer L2R's question, I have looked at it from 2 angles, as I think RN has given me so much more strength to deal with things.

Admitting to my addiction before being caught, but not started RN workshop:
The hard bit for me was the denial, I know that if I had told myself there was a problem and found RN at the same time things could have been different. The hole I had dug for myself by the time of D-day was massive, and to be honest could I have divulged ALL that I had done?
I am not sure.

Finding RN before being caught and completing a major part of the course
I would fully disclose my behaviours and take the consequences.

On a side note, as I said W found RN and has fully supported me throughout and continues to do so. I am so thankful to have such a loving person by my side.

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“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: Confessions
PostPosted: Fri May 17, 2019 10:38 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 178
As a partner, I feel I must reply in order to make it clear that lying and withholding information is damaging to the relationship and prolongs the healing process for the partner. Dishonesty early on after d day may also determine what your relationship looks like in the long term.

Our d day wasn’t the day I “discovered” my husband’s behaviour but was the point when I knew I had been broken down by it. For him it was the day he discovered his behaviour had consequences, so he made the commitment to stop.

I asked for honesty from my husband but I didn’t get it. He would lie, I would then discover he had lied, and then he’d get angry at me. It continued like this for months until there were no more discoveries. He disclosed practically nothing voluntarily. The effects of his lies/omissions/denials means that I don’t really trust my husband and I doubt I ever will. It’s not that I don’t believe he’s quit, I’m OK with that. I know he’s committed to our relationship. But do I believe he’s an honest person? Not with me, no. He still tells lies of omission, about things of little consequence. He doesn’t have to do this, but he does.

Trust issues. I don’t believe that my husband has told me the whole story about his addiction period and the behaviours that preceded it. I gave my husband every opportunity but he still lied. I made allowances for lying and dishonesty, because I know it’s an ingrained behaviour that arises from addiction. I also made allowances for shame being a barrier to dishonesty. I offered him opportunities to tell me anything that he didn’t feel comfortable telling me in the first 6-12 months but he’s told me nothing. Do I believe he’s told me “everything”? No. My intuition tells me that there’s more, but is history of lying also influences how well I can trust him. I feel that the optimum time period of disclosure has passed and that i’ll never know for sure.

One thing I am sure about is that I have no intention of repeating that experience. My husband’s behaviour had devastating effects on me. His rejection, his neglect, his emotional distance, his deception and pretence — you can’t build a relationship on top of that mess. For years I had to live with the knowledge that my husband didn’t want me. He says he did but his behaviour said otherwise. He certainly didn’t want me sexually. I lost my confidence, I became depressed, I developed an eating disorder and I was beginning to self harm. And after reaching that low, I was lied to. I am not going to put myself through that experience again. I feel that my life was stolen from me.

My advice to you is to disclose all of your behaviours. You don’t need to go into the minutiae but you need to give an honest summary of what and when. Answer questions with honesty, but don’t create a detailed picture. If you can’t answer a question in the moment, say you need time but promise to answer the question and make sure you do. Don’t say I don’t know/I can’t remember/I forget unless it’s genuine. Then TRY to remember, make the effort and get back to her with an honest answer. Also, be honest in other areas. Being dishonest in any way will only undermine what trust remains or has been rebuilt. Trust is earned very slowly and it can vanish in a split second.


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 Post subject: Re: Confessions
PostPosted: Fri May 17, 2019 2:06 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3771
Location: UK
Hi Blue
I agree with the content of your post and reiterate the value and importance of honesty, however I remind you and others who are reading this that cross posting without the annotation of "both sides" is contrary to the forum rules as per the link
http://www.recoverynation.com/partnersb ... 81&t=19563

for sure absolutely no harm done in this case, indeed hopefully quite the opposite
Personally I would love to see more both sides welcome questions and comments and encourage partner participation

Thanks for your input but do please be aware
good luck in your healing

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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