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PostPosted: Wed Jun 10, 2020 5:58 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 186
I have been away for awhile but I wanted to post on how fragile trust is.
I have been married for 34 years to my current wife. I was married to my previous wife for 19.5 years and I had many sex addiction issues.
When I married my current wife I was going to sexaholic anominas (SA) for about a year.
I told my wife that I was a SA and many of the things I had done. I also told her I was was working very hard to over come my addiction. I told her she could TRUST ME and I would overcome my addiction. She did trust me at first but she started to go to SNON with other wife's to learn more about a person who is a sex addict.
At that point she became aware of the type of person she had married. She also had three children so she gave me strict guidelines in what she needed from me in recovery and in our marriage so she would feel safe. At that point SHE STARED NOT TO TRUST ME
I did work very hard at SA and overcame most of my addiction except I still had some issues with lust. That did go on for a number of years and of course each time she LOST TRUST IN ME and so I would work hard again in SA to correct that issue. I have not lusted for the last several years but SHE DOES NOT TRUST ME COMPLETELYMy wife and I have been through a lot together and we love each other very much. I am a very lucky man. I am very sorry for all I have put her through. There will be times she will talk to another wife in the program or read something that triggers what she has gone through and SHE WILL SAY AGAIN THAT SHE DOS'NT TRUST ME. I understand why and I will support her in what she is dealing with and try to reassure her. As I said TRUST IS VERY FRAGILE
I would appreciate any feedback.
Good Luck to everyone.
RECOVERY


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 11, 2020 12:24 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 207
Hi Recovery,

That is a very interesting read and although, it is not exactly like my situation, it shows up the issues and traumas that our partners go through on their road to recovery.

I am just over 18 months since I was found out and started RN, my W has gone through various stages during that time. I would say that I have reached the point where she trusts me as far as not acting out is concerned, maybe it is not trust, but that she believes me when I tell her I have not slipped. I always feel, as you say, it is a FRAGILE trust.
I could connect totally to you comment about triggers, W has these experiences too.

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“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 11, 2020 5:50 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 186
Thanks for the reply Theseus,
All of our stories will be different but there is always some common areas. We usually have hurt someone we love or loves us, we all have the challenge to try to be totally honest and we are trying to gain trust. It seems you are on the right tract. I would like to here some of your challenges. It helps all of us to grow.
Good luck and continue to grow
Recovery


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 12, 2020 7:04 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 207
Hi Recovery,

Challenges - I can honestly say that since I stopped I have had no problems as far as my recovery is concerned.

However the putting my marriage back together is an ongoing test.
I was not good honesty in the beginning, W had to ask me about things rather then me divulge them, 2 reasons though,
1)Sometimes it was because I was so ashamed. 2) I just did not realise the amount detail she wanted at times.

I have become very paranoid about W is feeling and how she feels about me and she gets annoyed if I ask what is wrong too often!
There are days though when I see hatred in her eyes and other days when I think that she still likes me, whether she loves me I am not sure?
But on a positive note, I know she still wants me in her life.
I know she suffers from a lot of triggers, maybe a little less now but they are still there and that means she struggles to move on!

So for me the challenges are proving to her that I have REALLY changed and us moving forward together.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 12, 2020 7:30 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3907
Location: UK
Hi

A fact
Trust is hard won and easily lost, the question is can it be rebuilt? and if so to what degree
T wrote
Quote:
So for me the challenges are proving to her that I have REALLY changed and us moving forward together.


I encore this but believe that me changing can never repair the harm and damage that I brought into her life

that however does not stop me from trying, will that mean that she will trust me?
perhaps to a degree

Our old life /relationship is gone
Any new life / relationship needs honesty, communication, commitment, all bourne out of love, OK perhaps conditional on her part because of the massive issue of trust but love prevails

My advice
commit totally and completely to honesty, not just connected to addiction
commit totally and completely to recovery,
commit totally and completely to her and her healing,

As this topic is so important I add the link to its previous iteration

http://www.recoverynation.com/bulletinb ... =2&t=25136

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Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 13, 2020 3:31 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 207
Hi

Kenzo said
Quote:
I encore this but believe that me changing can never repair the harm and damage that I brought into her life


I must admit that I think you are correct in this case, I do not have high hopes of getting back to where we were, but to be honest I am happy that for the moment she has allowed me to stay in her life.
As you say it may well be that a new relationship is born from the ashes of my actions.

Quote:
commit totally and completely to honesty, not just connected to addiction
commit totally and completely to recovery,
commit totally and completely to her and her healing,


Great advice Kenzo, and one that I intend to stick to

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 16, 2020 3:47 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 186
Thank You both for the input.
Kenzo, as always you have solid advise. You mentioned very important points and these are the very things my wife asks of me. Total honesty not just in recovery. I am honest on all recovery things but she will ask me did I do some thing small everyday type thing and automatically I will say yes and sometimes I didn't do it. Some times just a choir around the house, It is not even something she would get mad about if I didn't do it. But when I lie about it she says what else am I lying about. Shes right. I ask myself why do I do that? Now when I lie I catch myself and tell her the truth. Also I have been complacent in working recovery or if I have a temptation I do what I have learned in RN but I don't share that with her she thinks I have not been working my program. This all gets back to because of my past, she does not trust me completely.
Thanks again guys
Recovery


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