Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Sun Nov 17, 2019 6:50 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 15 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 12:49 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Jan 24, 2014 10:41 am
Posts: 7
Hello all. UK married father here aged mid-40s, please call me Dan on this forum. Professional, straight, hard working, fairly successful. With a sexual addiction. Looking for encouragement and advice.

I'm addicted to fetish chat and webcam sessions. I've stopped, a week ago, and I'm starting my recovery. I've sought counselling from my local GP (general practitioner i.e. family physician) who has referred me but I have to wait for a letter then phone for an appointment and it's going to take a week at least. I'm writing this so I don't lose momentum.

Basically I have been paying women online to talk about sex and sexual matters. Particularly fetish-related and Dom/sub scenarios. I've spent thousands of pounds in the last year on chat and webcam sessions. My wife is aware and I need to fix this to save my marriage. We have two children under 10 so I need to fix this for their sake too.

My wife (whom I'll call Natalie or Nat) is feeling betrayed, hurt, angry, but is going to help me for which I feel incredibly lucky. I love her, we've been married ten years and mostly it's been a great marriage and I have a lovely family. I'm trying to understand what made me do those other risky, crazy things and I need help.

I've always used porn, since a teenager. I've enjoyed fetish porn including Female Domination (Femdom) since late teens. It wasn't a big problem until recent years when I started using the internet to find not only passive content but interactions with performers and other fetish-minded people. Then I found I needed those interactions to get excited. Specifically....

I like women to humiliate me and make me perform depraved acts. To dominate me and make me suffer. More and more I have sought out those that will emotionally and mentally degrade me, by forcing me to confess my darkest fantasies and desires, and then using those words to humiliate me further. I've heard the term "emotional sadism" and it's that kind of stuff that I have been seeking and using. Of course along with this side of fetish play comes financial domination i.e. the sex worker demands cash and/or wishlist purchases usually entitled "tributes" or "taxes", and there has been that too. Hence the cash problem.

So today I sought counselling, wrote down all my debts and a bit of background for my wife, cut up my credit card and started (hopefully) my first day of recovery. Right now I'm not even sure my marriage will survive this, but I'm damn well going to try to save it.

That's my story. Hope you can help me. Just a little.
Dan.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 8:49 pm 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Tue May 27, 2008 10:26 am
Posts: 1806
Dan -

Welcome to RN. I'm glad you found us. Recovery Nation is a community of men & women who have suffered with sexual addictions of all types, and the counter-part healing site for the partners. (Generally speaking, it's the husbands who have the sexually addictive behaviors and the wives who suffer from our poor decisions. But not always.) You should at least inform your wife that there is help here, for her, too, if she's so inclined. However, you can't "make" her do anything and she may not be willing to participate. But you can at least let her know that there are resources here for her, and she doesn't have to suffer alone.

You're correct, in that: You may not be able to save your marriage. Sometimes there's just too much damage that's been done. On the other hand, there have been marriages that have suffered worse than yours has, and found healing. It's really up to you and your wife.

The first thing to do is to jump into the workshop. Create yourself a recovery thread, and start reading Lesson #1. The lessons are the meat & potatoes of the workshop. You're going to need to develop some momentum to keep going all the way through the workshop. There's a lot of lesson. You should focus on completing 2 or 3 lessons every week. That's about 1 lesson every other day. That's a good pace to set to be able to move forward at a pretty consistent pace. The self-help portion of the website is totally free, which is good. There are a few coaches and mentors around who "might" give you some feedback on your work, but it's better not to expect it. Everyone is busy and we contribute what we can, when we can.

You're going to learn a lot about your addiction, and the way it works in very functional terms. You're going to learn about values in your life, how to monitor them, and how to control your urges. No matter how far down the rabbit hole you've fallen, it IS possible to begin anew. You'll be in good company here with the others of us. We've all traveled the road you're on right now. Some of us have just made it a little further down the path than you are right now. Soon enough, you'll be able to show others the same path. I know what it's like to lay awake in bed at night, and not know if my marriage would survive just 1 more day. Most of us on this site know that feeling.

Hang in there. It gets better. Now, it may get worse before it gets better, but I promise that if you'll stick around, do the work, zero in on the lesson, and participate in the support forum, that it will get better.

Keep moving forward,
Tim


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2014 11:11 am 
Offline

Joined: Wed May 13, 2009 9:20 am
Posts: 33
Hi Dan -

These are just my opinions, but I think one thing about recovery that is key is absolute honesty with yourself as to the intent and motivations for recovery. For many of us, I think its safe to say there were some "rock bottom" trigger points that brought us to make a decision that change was needed. But I think to have a chance at becoming healthy, it is very important that the motivation for changing is really your own internal motivation to end the behaviors and become a healthy person, rather than something that is being done solely to "save a marriage", and "for the kids sake."

While those would be good outcomes and secondary motivators, the primary motivation needs to be that you no longer want to be living an unhealthy lifestyle plagued by addiction.....if not, you could find yourself making strides to recovery, but then very susceptible to relapse once a "sense of stability" has returned; or (and this may sound scary), your marriage might still not make it through the process, and then you would be faced with the reality that you could continue the behaviors without having a consequence of "a failing marriage"on the table anymore....and at that point, would you still be seeking the change and to be healthy?

In my opinion If you can honestly say that your primary motivation for change is (and this may sound selfish) that you want to be a healthy person, free from addiction (even if none of those other consequences, such as losing family, money, etc. were present), then I think your chances of success in becoming healthy are much greater.

This website and the tools within are a great resource for those of us with addictions, and starting the workshop is a great first step down the long path to recovery and health. I myself am "back in the workshop" for the third time in five years, because I have continued to struggle with letting go of the last pieces of my addictive behaviors (if you read some of my other posts, you will see some of my history and thoughts on "abstinence vs. health").

If you are committed to changing, for the right reasons, and you stick with the program, you have a good chance at making positive change in your life and moving towards becoming healthy. I wish you the best as you get started.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2014 11:32 am 
Offline

Joined: Fri Jan 24, 2014 10:41 am
Posts: 7
Thank you both. Apologies for not replying sooner and the brevity of this post. I needed to pop in to assure you I'm OK and so far my marriage and family are intact. My wife has been wonderful, she clearly loves me deeply and is going to help me.

I'll be back later with more updates. Thanks again.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2016 6:11 am 
Offline

Joined: Fri Jan 24, 2014 10:41 am
Posts: 7
Hello again.

With great sadness I begin this post with a confession that not all is well. I was largely clean for over a year but I briefly fell into old habits and feel terrible again. I stopped again a few days ago but I'm in danger now of discovery by my wife and I don't know what to do.

If you read my posts above, from almost two years ago, you'll get the idea. I need to update you on everything that happened since, and then my current situation...

So in May 2014 I stopped, and through counselling and support from my wife I was able to break the habit and start again.

Then I fell, again. In early 2015 I started again, the fetish chat and "financial domination" and again ran up big bills which could not be hidden, and in summer 2015 I confessed all. This was almost the end, but I persuaded my wife I could change. I went to relate and read about sex addiction, and made some changes to make it less likely. I changed career, too, taking a pay cut to reduce stress as this was identified as a contributing factor.

All was well, and then one of my old fetish partners, a cam girl and "financial domme" contacted me out of the blue, and in a weak moment I did not reject her immediately. We talked for a few days, on a friendly basis, using a messaging app. Then one night when drunk I got involved in fetish play and sent some money to her. I woke up with a hangover and wanted to die when I remembered what I had done. I've since closed off that conversation, rejected and blocked the woman and deleted my PayPal account in an effort to reduce risk.

But I'm in a terrible position. I don't know what to do. I could try to hide the money but if discovered, is that worse? The betrayal will hurt my wife terribly, as she (and I) believed that chapter was over. But is it kinder to let her believe I'm still clean? Cover this up, deal with it privately? If I tell her she will be unable to trust me again, and be desperately hurt.

How do I stop this happening, because I had moved on and been clean for 11 months, yet was so weak when approached by a professional cam sex worker. I thought I could handle just having a chat with her, but it escalated into inappropriate activity.

I'm considering properly completing a Recovery programme and getting counselling again but I'm so confused and scared and don't know what to do about the money. I'm just frantic right now. I know it's over, but how to make sure it never starts again?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2016 9:16 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3829
Location: UK
Hello T
sorry to hear your distress but straight from the shoulder
Quote:
I know it's over,


is it over?
If you were that sure you would not need to ask
Quote:
but how to make sure it never starts again?


Now believe me there is no IT
there is you and your addiction is a part of you
I believe that you do want recovery so simply start that road today
work the programme , mean it and do it for you and do it today

with regard to honesty, IMO there is only one way forwards and that means the truth all of it
I lied
I covered up
I hurt her more by doing so , please do learn from my experience

One final (again from the shoulder) comment on your post
to me it smacks of excuses, they can't and won't help, you know what to do
I wish you both well ,

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Apr 09, 2016 4:42 am 
Offline

Joined: Fri Jan 24, 2014 10:41 am
Posts: 7
So I told her a couple of hours ago. It's hell.

Unfortunately my parents are coming for the weekend so we can't talk now. My wife has said a few things including:
"We'll deal with it on Monday", "You'll have to go" and "We'll have to live separate lives in the same house, I'm not telling my Dad it will kill him".

I'm just being civil and apologetic, knowing I can't do anything until she has processed the betrayal and we can talk about it.

But yeah, I couldn't hide it, she knew something was wrong because of my manner. I was wracked with guilt anyway, no chance of hiding it.

I've vaguely promised to go to AA and/or counselling but understandably she doesn't want to listen. I'll restart my recovery using this website and we'll see what happens in the week when my wife and I can actually talk.

Thanks for your support.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Apr 09, 2016 4:58 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3829
Location: UK
T
Quote:
So I told her



Quote:
I couldn't hide it, she knew something was wrong


better that she knows who and what she is dealing with, now she can make decisions and deal with it
I know your pain but you have done the right thing now you need to start your recovery and become the person that actually deserves her

good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Apr 10, 2016 4:00 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Jan 24, 2014 10:41 am
Posts: 7
OK so we talked and for now at least I still have a marriage.
I'll start the programme tomorrow. It's late here.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2016 10:45 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3829
Location: UK
Hi Tarangire

Quote:
OK so we talked and for now at least I still have a marriage.

I do so hope that you are still talking and more importantly listening

now I hope that you dont mind but I wish to somewhat hijack this thread and make it more about addicts starting out from where you are , rather than being directed solely at yourself

Quote:
at least I still have a marriage.


Many if not most addicts in partnerships start out after being found out , to save the marriage, I know I did
That is of course very understandable, the marriage, our partners our families are of significant importance to us

BUT
OUR recovery needs to become the single most important thing in our lives, we need to recover for ourselves , saving our relationships is not worth a great deal if we are not worth a great deal, and as acting out addicts we are not

My ex and I divorced but now we are true and best friends, my recovering gave her the choice to befriend this new person, our marriage was "lost" every time that I cheated and acted out

So I say to those who are here to save their marriages
stick with the programme, save yourselves, that then helps our loved ones in their healing and gives them the right and chance to choose

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2016 7:13 am 
Offline
General Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2008 1:49 pm
Posts: 3957
tarangire,

I don't see a recovery thread for you. Are you serious about getting rid of your addiction? The first thing is getting into the lessons. They will help you tremendously. Also we have some excellent coaches that could help you on your journey. If you are interested in going through the workshop with someone who has been through it and it now a certified coach, we have different packages available to help. You can look on http://recoverynation.com/main/catalog.php.

Normally we don't suggest the coaching, it is for people who want it, we don't push it on anyone. However I think it would be beneficial to you so I am giving you the info to make your own decision. If you don't go for the paid coaching the volunteer coaches will help out on your thread as much as possible.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun May 01, 2016 11:21 am 
Offline

Joined: Fri Jan 24, 2014 10:41 am
Posts: 7
Thanks.
I'm still here and recovering, things dont look so bleak now, I'll start a recovery thread soon.
I'm actually going through a career change and have exams to pass so this is a pretty stressful time!
Thanks again.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon May 02, 2016 5:07 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
May i ask you how you manage your emotions in this pretty stressful time?
I can only recommend to start your own recovery thread right now. There is no time to lose.
Career changes comes often during recovery/transitioning to health. This is because a lof of jobs need
emotional maturity - so recovery opens here a lot of doors - realizing the own full potential.

For me, recovery came with a career change. I was a employed engineer, but sitting around bored most
of the working day, watching nudity clips and waiting for home time. Now i am self employed, having my
own engineering office and using my time much more meaningful. I got a big order the last weeks which
brings me a lot of money and by this stabilizes my self employment. My eyes became much better, as i
spend much less time in front of a screen.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jun 21, 2016 4:37 am 
Offline

Joined: Fri Jan 24, 2014 10:41 am
Posts: 7
Hi all.
Thanks for the advice and apologies for not replying sooner.

Things are OK at home currently, as well as can be expected. I finished my exams and qualified for my new career. Forgive me if I keep that career and some other details private, as I don't want my identity to be discovered. If you have read the posts above, you will understand that I have in the past interacted with people who don't have my best interests at heart, shall we say.

So I am free now to start a recovery thread and build a healthy me. I'll do that this week. But do know that since we last spoke I have not acted out my worst compulsions. I still have a way to go though.

Thanks for the support.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2016 10:05 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3829
Location: UK
Hello T
2 months ago you posted
Quote:
I'll start a recovery thread soon.

I appreciate that you may have been busy
indeed you might have started a thread in another name
but if not then perhaps ask yourself why not
what have you got to lose
believe me you have "life" to gain
hoping you come onboard and get into recovering

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 15 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group