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PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2016 11:53 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
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I dug my own deep deep hole and by the cheating, lies and stealing that I did, in essence threw my wife in the hole or at least dragged her in with me when I was discovered 19 months ago . . .She is hurting because of what I did . . . she shared with me the quote, " The Axe forgets what the tree remembers" There was a lot of damage that I did and it will take time for the tree to heal if it ever does . . I am trying to own everything that I have done, enjoy the times that things are going well but remembering that damage has been done and reactions of not trusting are pretty much normal and to be expected at times and there are not really not guidelines to figure out when those times will occur . . .but I keep remembering that I need to own what I did and the consequences that have and will come with it . . .I need to stay focused on positive values and doing what I need to be doing . . .not for rewards from others but the rewards that come from living rightly . . .there will be times that I get discouraged but I am the root cause of those things . . keep moving forward and doing what is right, being honest and respectful.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2016 6:56 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3844
Location: UK
DB
Quote:
The Axe forgets what the tree remembers

thanks for sharing and this applies to each of us that are still in or not, the relationship

we need to remember that recovering is easier than healing and that we knew about our problem, often years before they found out

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:57 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Yes for about 10 years I lived the secret that exploded in one fell swoop 19 months ago . . .recovery is much easier than healing I have come to understand.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 25, 2016 9:18 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 16, 2014 9:02 am
Posts: 116
DBack,

Quote:
The Axe forgets what the tree remembers


Well said. I suspect 19 months is not a long time for healing to take place and trust to have been built to any significant degree. I get that. I got frustrated today because I foolishly expected my wife to be further along than she is. I expected her to react more logically to a situation than she did. She reacted from hurt and distrust and somehow this surprised me and I was hurt. I was in the middle of making efforts to build trust and all she could think about was protecting herself. And why wouldn't she? I felt hurt, I made myself vulnerable and she totally missed that, IMO. I think I missed an opportunity to show that I am committed to changing and her when I didn't react with compassion and understanding. I've since apologized for not being more sensitive and that was taken well, but I still think that first reaction was a missed chance that doesn't come everyday.

Kenzo once made a comment about taking unfair jabs on the chin. I think that is right, but I wonder if we could go a step further and somehow show compassion in that moment. I could have possibly said something like, "I don't feel like that's totally fair or reasonable, but I understand why you are asking that of me, I've hurt you deeply and even though sorry is too little an expression for what I've done, I am sorry."

I didn't say that, I defended myself. I have said something like that and my wife came back later and said it was meaningful to her that I wasn't defensive and that I acknowledged the pain I've caused her. I don't see this as a fool proof road map to the relationship I hope for between my wife and I. But if it is an insight that has some potential for healing and growth I want to share it.

Thanks for sharing your journey in your relationship and for the reminder to be willing to own what you've done and being understanding and respectful of where your wife is at. As you said our SO's didn't ask for this, in most or our cases they never imagined things would be this way.

DW

DW


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 26, 2016 12:13 am 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 246
Hang in there DWilliam and DBAck, I believe that it will get better for both your wives and yourselves, given enough time and sincerity in your recovery journey.

It would depend, to a degree, as to just how sincere you are in your recovery, or have been, but no, 19 months is not a long time for the healing to take place, not at all.

In my case, we have been working on this for almost 4 years (D-day was June 05, 2012), but I had only been playing at it, skirting the REAL issues and NOT facing myself and the ugliness inside of me until .

I'm not sure what Kenzo's comment about unfair jabs on the chin was but for me, I don't feel that any jab, punch or complete ass-kicking is unfair in the least, considering all of the emotional destruction I have done to my Wife (who, for reasons known ONLY to Her, is still with me after almost 40 years of this hell).

At this point, although I AM being totally honest, open and vulnerable, but She has no trust, and She shouldn't have (if I was Her, I would have told me to f@%& off long ago). I know that rebuilding that trust will be a looooooong process, and may never happen, but I WILL keep working at it.

Yes, responding with openness, vulnerability and compassion is the way to handle it, but it is (for me at least) extremely difficult to keep doing without letting defensiveness, hurt, pain and selfishness creep in to screw things up when my Wife responds with disbelief, pain and anger, ALL of which are totally justified.

And yes, owning what we have done is really half of the battle, at least for me. It took a a "few" years for me to face up to the fact that the cumulative consequences of ALL of my choices, both bad~addictive and good~responsible are what put me where I am today. The journey has not been easy, nor will it ever be I suspect, but nothing worthwhile ever is, is it.

One day at a time.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 26, 2016 9:10 am 
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Thanks for the encouragement 62andbroken. I believe I read Kenzo's comment in the last month or two on his personal thread, so I won't cut and paste here. The situation he decribed struct me as something many of us could face with a wife or SO. A pointed comment was made that wasn't completely fair in that it wasn't totally accurate. And he said that he just took it on the chin and didn't defend at all. I thought it was a great response and wondered from other people's experience if it was possible to get to the point where I'm not defensive in that type of situation and could even respond compassionately while feeling unfairly treated? It seems like a small thing to do considering how unfairly I've treated my wife, but easier said than done.

Thanks again, glad to hear there is hope despite the road being long.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 1:40 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Thank you for the encouragement of knowing that we are not atypical and the reminder that although it seems like an eternity sometime since d-day, it is really only a speck in time considering the devastation my decisions and actions have created . . .yes I need to understand that . . .oh how I do.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 7:51 am 
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Joined: Sat Jun 04, 2011 10:57 pm
Posts: 317
Thanks for sharing guys, the situations really are very typical and to some degree, discussing then brings perspective to the level of disruption our behavior has brought to those closest. Trust can be gained/regained in some areas, and yet other areas not at all. As I see it, we all change, and d-day initiates a fundamental change in our significant other due to the realization that they need to wake up from an illusion we created for them. Everybody handles trauma in their own way, with help and support, they may move on from devastation and confusion to rebuilding a life. That takes a lot more time than ever because all original foundations have been proven imaginary, the sense of wonder has changed to dread, and life purpose and direction is halted.
The work we do here is for us. We may transform from an ax to a different tool, and we may want to save the tree, and we may, but that tree now has to mend and will most likely grow differently in speed, shape and direction. Something we can't control. Just keep working at supporting and you may come to an understanding that works for both of you.


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