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 Post subject: Am I a sociopath
PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2016 5:48 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 04, 2014 8:43 am
Posts: 110
Hi all. I've been with recovery nation for three years now but I don't dont think I've progressed into any sort of recovery. My initial problem was with internet porn which I managed to give up but to this day I still objectify women to the complete distress of my wife. I have been given every opertunity to talk things out but never do it right and I'm wondering if anyone else has stopped looking at women am constantly being told that it's a man thing but not all man do what I do. I get so much pleasure from seeing other women its difficult to stop. Is there anyone out there that can honestly say that they don't notice other women when they are with their wife. After 3 years I thought that I would be there. I have just read a post on the partners site which discusses sociopaths and I am beginning to think that I am one, surely I would have a guilty conscience and feel my wifes pain if I cared. I struggle with emotions, there seems to be something in my wiring that stops me being empathetic. Have others with the same traits found a way forward. I blame everyone and everything but myself, please tell me someone has found a way forward. At what point will I stop wanting to look at other women?


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 Post subject: Re: Am I a sociopath
PostPosted: Mon Jan 25, 2016 8:26 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 16, 2014 9:02 am
Posts: 116
Hi FC,

Sounds like you are unhappy with your progress. Have you considered taking your recovery to a new level? How about getting some paid coaching or finding a psychologist or other professional counselor who understands SA maybe you are doing this???. Sometimes you need a multi pronged-approach to recovery. Personally I do think it's possible to go out with or without your wife and not scan or objectify. The principles taught in RN have been effective for me in both areas(porn and scanning). When I have struggles I go back to my values. I watch that I don't compensate the emotional stimulation I would have gotten from porn or scanning to something else. I'm not sure that that is your issue, but I wonder.

If you are unhappy with your progress that's a good sign isn't it? In your shoes if I was pretty sure I applied all that I learned on RN and that was still not getting me where I want to be I'd find a way to take my recovery to the next level, just my opinion though from the little you wrote in this post... I feel like I'm making good progress, but the paid option here on RN is still an option I would consider.

Don't settle, don't give up, count the cost of what its' going to take and then pay it gladly.

DW


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 Post subject: Re: Am I a sociopath
PostPosted: Mon Jan 25, 2016 8:48 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2008 3:55 pm
Posts: 1209
It is dangerous territory for anyone to speculate as to the psychological realities of other people, especially on this site. My best advice is for you to seek out a therapist who is willing to put you through a battery of examinations and diagnostic questions to make such a diagnosis. I would also say characteristics of sociopath behavior is common among addicts without them actually being a sociopath. Such reactions to addict behaviors cause partners to question all sorts of things, and when addict behaviors negate work towards recovery, questioning the addict's psychological foundation is common.

Having said that, here are a couple of thoughts that BY NO MEANS should be considered a diagnosis:

1. If you are a true sociopath, then you asking the question is pro forma, meaning you are only asking it to give the appearance you are worried. You are putting on a show for someone in your life simply because it's easier than admitting that you have no feelings for that person. If you are genuinely worried, that pretty much eliminates the chance of you being a true sociopath. A true sociopath is incapable of worrying about anything on a social level, or the feelings and/or opinions of others. Here is a link to an article, where a sociopath describes her own inner workings:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/article ... -sociopath


2. Healthy men look at other women. For a lot of people, the things we as addicts do as part of our addictions and rituals is perfectly healthy and harmless. That you look isn't the problem, it's how you interact with that behavior, and what that behavior means to you. For me it's pornography and masturbation. In and of themselves they are not an addiction. Many people masturbate and many people view pornography, but how I interact with it makes it an addiction for me. Where you interact with looking at (scanning) women and objectifying is where your interactions become addiction. Add that to your other rituals, and you have a mixture of behaviors which are hard to put down. Now if you are saying you have absolutely no guilt over the behavior, that is something entirely different than how difficult you are finding it is to change that behavior. Just because you find it difficult to change does not mean you are a sociopath. I do not want to add fuel to the fire, so I will not talk about other possibilities. I will ask for you to look back over those three years and see what progress you have made, because if you are as worried as you say, then your efforts must have produced some progress.

Look back, look at where you are, look and see if your lack of progress is truly accurate. Chances are you have made advances you are not willing to acknowledge because the forward movement you have made does not meet some set of preconceived notions you hd about recovery, and you just need to start looking at recovery as a daily thing.

I hope this helps.


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 Post subject: Re: Am I a sociopath
PostPosted: Tue Jan 26, 2016 8:28 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 246
I must echo Coach Boundless' comments. If you really have questions about being a sociopath, seek out trained, competent PROFESSIONAL help. WE are all here to help each other BUT very few of us have the training, background or experience to help you deal with those kinds of issues.

That said, I can relate as I have gone through very similar issues as well. I believe all of us both here and "out there" do so from time to time. Being selfish and not giving a damn about others or their feelings is I think promoted in society today, at least on this side of the "pond". I also think that it is normal to feel/be that way occasionally.

I seriously considered if I was a sociopath as well for a while. In my case, after a lot of reflection and talk with my Wife, I determined that I, because of my background, got stuck in the 9 year-old spoiled rotten little brat "phase" of my life. It took and takes a lot of work, self-examination and self-awareness for me to keep moving away from that place still, and I do find myself back there once in a while. Growing up is HARD to do!!!!

Also what DWilliam said makes a LOT of sense to me. If you are not happy with where you are in your recovery, are you really, I mean REALLY looking at where you were and how far you have come??? I know for myself that I have completely discounted the progress I have made because I am not where I (think) should be to sabotage myself. For me fear of success is just as powerful as fear of failure, sometimes even more.

Keep at it, it took a looooog time to get where you were, it WILL take some time to get where you want to be, but if you are sincere, it WILL happen.

P.H.P.~ Patience, Honesty and Perseverance


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 Post subject: Re: Am I a sociopath
PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2016 4:15 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 04, 2014 8:43 am
Posts: 110
Hi all, thanks for your considered responses. No one has actually answered the cruck of the problem. Do other guys in the same position as me, that's three years into RN, do they still enjoy staring at women. It's a simple question but know one seems to want to answer it.


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 Post subject: Re: Am I a sociopath
PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2016 4:19 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 04, 2014 8:43 am
Posts: 110
Something I haven't mentioned, I have had plenty of expensive therapy but I purposely lied and didn't learn from any of the experiences and watched my wife cry. What sort of monster am I .


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 Post subject: Re: Am I a sociopath
PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2016 7:08 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: UK
Hello FC


Quote:
It's a simple question but know one seems to want to answer it.


now which is that simple question as I see three
Quote:
Am I a sociopath


this is not an easy question as others have already said

Quote:
Do other guys in the same position as me, that's three years into RN, do they still enjoy staring at women.


I am sure that there are , but IMO they are still not in recovery if that "enjoyment" includes any form of objectification, they are still acting out

do you believe that you are in recovery? you answered with
Quote:
I don't dont think I've progressed into any sort of recovery


I tend to agree, you may well no longer use porn but have you changed your values, your boundaries, your emotions even your aspirations?
I am not looking for you to answer me but please do answer yourself and analyse your answers by asking why or why not
the third possible easy question is
Quote:
At what point will I stop wanting to look at other women?

the simple answer is when you choose to

being present herein for three lessons, three months, three years or forever counts for little unless it comes with commitment, perseverance and most importantly self choice
to recover we really need to want to

going back to choosing not to want to objectify (scan) women, why not ask what you actually get from it that has actual meaning or value, how long can you retain these images and what can you use them for
I suggest then compare any "perceived" positives with the very real negatives and ask again - why?
there are many threads related to scanning in both the community and personal recovery forums, I know this because I also found scanning to be the most difficult and last trait of SA to overcome, even more so than dishonesty , but I chose to overcome this
you can do so as well
but believe me only when you want to

hope this helps and that you take this as was meant, i.e. positively

good luck - choose wisely but do so soon

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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