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PostPosted: Mon Feb 15, 2016 5:11 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jan 29, 2015 12:00 pm
Posts: 95
I have been trying to recover from heavy pornography addiction for a while now. I have made a lot of progress. Although the frequency has decreased and I have been learning to derive meaning from my life through my values, I continue to struggle. I continue to relapse a few times a week, and I do not get to completely manage my life through healthy ways. For example, sometimes I find myself smoking more and drinking more.

I am now more "aware" and have been avoiding situations in my life that threat my recovery. I have been single for a while now, and stopped talking and seeing girls few months ago. The reduction in use of pornography and masturbation has improved my relationship with girls. I now have female friends that I do not see as sexual objects as I used to, and I can go out with my friends and have a good time without the need or compulsiveness to talk or to try to pick up girls. Also, for the last couple of months my sexual appetite has decreased a lot, which has made managing porn and masturbation easier.

A couple of months ago I started talking to a friend I had not seen in a while. I like her a lot but I was indecisive on whether or not I should try to go out with her because it could be a threat for my recovery. Finally, we went on a date, and we had a good time. I was feeling good about seeing her and not pressured on any way, so we kept talking and going out. She started talking and texting me more often and I started to feel pressured and afraid. I did not feel like opening myself, and did not want her to do it either. I guess, in part, because I was going to have to be honest and share my current situation. I was very afraid that the relationship was going to start evolving into something more serious, and I don't feel ready for it. I think that I need all of my energy focused on learning how to live a healthy life myself first.

Last week, we saw each other again and we started to get more physical. On that same day, I had watched porn and I was feeling ashamed and guilty. We didn't get to have sex, but I was feeling terrible. I knew that I had to be honest with her and share what I was going through.

After that day, I started to get intense sexual urges again. Urges that I had I no felt in a while. It is like they were awaken after that night I almost had sex with her. I was again looking at girls and fantasizing. Wanting to watch more porn, and even wanting to see her again just so I could get a chance to touch her. I knew that I had to either stop things, or being completely honest with her.

We talked last night, and I explained to her that I was not feeling at peace with myself, and that I needed to stop, and work things out on my end. She appreciated my honesty and told me that it was better to stop things now and not later when there could be more feelings involved. I saw unnecessary to share completely my current situation with her since I do not think that it would add any value to my life or hers.

I also considered being completely honest with her, explain my current situation and see if she wanted to continue, but even if she wanted to keep going, why would I put her though this? I continue to have very bad days with a lot of mood swings and depression. Clearly, I am also not ready to have an active sexual life. I think that I need time to completely recover before being sexually active with someone else.

It all comes down to this. Did I do the right thing by ending things? - or should I open myself and share my true-self with her and bring her into this? - what is completely honesty here? Do I learn by avoiding "living life"? or should I try to be with her ( being completely honest with her), and give it a shot?

I really like her and the whole situation makes me really sad. I am missing on something that could be awesome because of the way I continue to manage my life. I also know that i am doing my best. in the past, I think that I would have done something different and wouldn't have even considered being completely honest, or ending things.

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- IronAndy
"Our thinking cannot be wiser than our understanding"


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 16, 2016 7:08 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3829
Location: UK
Hello Andy
great honest and open post
I believe that you could / would not have written this previously hence there must be some progress

however
Quote:
I continue to struggle. I continue to relapse a few times a week, and I do not get to completely manage my life through healthy ways. For example, sometimes I find myself smoking more and drinking more.

much more progress is required and I am sure desired by you
Poly addiction can be a "hidden " danger but you seem to be aware of this
so why do you continue to struggle
that is the crux
are you afraid to let go?
ask what does acting out give you, use your honesty here
how does it make you feel in particular during and after
now ask what you feel before and why you simply do not resist, revisit values and boundaries

I suggest that you look at the holes in your recovery and address them , not easy I know but certainly essential
you know it to

now moving on
and that is the aim of all here


Quote:
It all comes down to this. Did I do the right thing by ending things? - or should I open myself and share my true-self with her and bring her into this? - what is completely honesty here? Do I learn by avoiding "living life"? or should I try to be with her ( being completely honest with her), and give it a shot?


you already know the answer here

you decided to resist the old adage of "having your cake and eating it"
painful as it can be dont you feel much better about yourself in doing so?

You know that you cannot simply dump it all on an innocent friend, at least not until you are sure that you are worthy to be her friend

Personally I would nurture the friendship whilst embracing and endorsing recovery
I would prove to myself that I control my life before starting off what hopefully could well be a happy and loving, honest and meaningful
relationship

now a slight alarm bell

Quote:
and even wanting to see her again just so I could get a chance to touch her.


could be in conflict with

Quote:
I really like her and the whole situation makes me really sad. I am missing on something that could be awesome


perhaps you need to reflect on this relationship,
hope this helps a little and hope that you do continue towards really understanding yourself and then acting accordingly

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Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 21, 2016 10:04 am 
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Joined: Thu Jan 29, 2015 12:00 pm
Posts: 95
Thank you coach Kenzo. This helps a lot.

_________________
- IronAndy
"Our thinking cannot be wiser than our understanding"


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