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PostPosted: Sun Feb 21, 2016 7:49 pm 

Joined: Sun May 31, 2015 4:18 pm
Posts: 20
From Lesson 13: Consider the values that surround both your healthy and unhealthy patterns. Are they consistent with your current prioritized values? If yes, wonderful. If not, how might this awareness alter how you are currently perceiving/managing your recovery? Share your thoughts in the community forum.

I think the answer to this question is absolutely no. I have no values based around my unhealthy patterns. It is based upon pure compulsion. I am tempted to say I have no value system at all in relation to my addiction. I recall in an earlier lesson it was described as 'suspending your value system to feed your addiction' which is exactly what I feel I am doing. It is actually quite scary to think that I can so easily slip away from my humanity just for self indulgence, but it is the truth. I think I am building an entire new set of values in my recovery to becoming a healthy person. This gives me some optimism though, because I feel like I can set out exactly how I want to recover and proceed with my life. The awareness of my lack of/suspension of values helps me know how important they are in living an awesome life.


PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2016 7:18 am 

Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2015 9:52 am
Posts: 98
Location: Ger
Pretty interesting approach :)
If I' honest I've seen it quite different, when I did that exercise. I've looked at it that way: My unhealthy patterns are consistent with my new values in that way, that they're possible because my values aren't strong enough/they're the opposite of those values. But since I actually chose the "right" values to fix the unhealthy patterns I'm good. So for example one of my unhealthy patterns is "Sometimes I'm afraid to leave the current situation". This is consistend with the the value of responsibility, when you're afraid to act, you're not acting responsible. On my value list I chose the value of living responsible. So that means my value is consistent with the unhealthy pattern. And by strengthening that value I'm able to get rid of the unhealthy pattern. But let's say I don't priotizise this value (or something similar). That would mean, that I'm not able to end the unhealthy pattern since it's not consistent with my values, therefore I can't take a hold of it.

Sorry if it's a bit confusing, I'm not a native speaker and it's hard to talk about such a complex topic :)

PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2016 9:28 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 16, 2014 9:02 am
Posts: 116
Hi Shadow Bunny,

I came way from the early lessons with the idea that whatever we spent time doing, healthy or unhealthy was a value and that the things we think would be nice to do but never do are not actually a value...yet. I would have never wanted to say that looking at porn when I was stressed was a value, but if you looked at my life that was actually a value in that I did look at porn when I was stressed as a way to escape, I valued it as a management tool, but I was totally ashamed of it at same time, so would not have called it a value.

I would have said I valued going out and exercising when I felt stressed, but rarely if every actually did that. So what was the value I relied on for dealing with stress? Thanks to RN pointing that out to me, I was able to choose things I would like to make values in my life then spend time daily looking for opportunities to incorporate those into my life and with time I have been able to change what I do and can say that I deal with stress in ways that I think are healthy. I can say that watching porn when I am stressed is no longer a value, I have several options that come to mind when I am stressed and I choose to do those and can say those things are the values I live by or am well on my way to living by, since I am still a work in progress.

So I see that we do suspend our values system, but in that process we create a whole other value system, a whole other elaborate system to manage our lives, that is actually something we can come to understand in great detail and is not actually the mystery we thought it was. It's a system that can be measured, explained and then replaced.

Another example is that before I could have said I valued intimacy with my wife, but actually I was very hesitant to be open with her in a meaningful way. So, my value was actually, hiding myself, protecting my secrets, and making sure I wasn't vulnerable... addictive thinking, addictive values IMO. Recognizing that those were my actual values that I regularly acted on helped me look for values that would allow me to do the opposite and work towards developing the value of experiencing meaningful intimacy with my wife that looks like me sharing myself, not having secrets and being vulnerable.

I found it very helpful to accept that I was systematically using unhealthy means to manage my life, once I accepted that, I have been able to use the tools of daily and weekly monitoring(as well as other great tools provided in the workshop) to help build awareness of what I am doing day-to-day and week-to-week and make adjustments that have made it possible to use healthy ways to manage my life.

Having a strong vision for what your life can be, a vision that is worth fighting for, is a must too. A vision of a better me, a better life is what helped me get through the whole workshop and keeps me going still.

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