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PostPosted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 6:25 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 2:35 pm
Posts: 33
It was approximately three weeks ago I experienced some kind of breakthrough relative to my sex addiction. I say breakthrough, as prior to that time the urges to watch porn or masturbate were always with me, if not consciously in the moment, lurking subconsciously until the opportunity gave seed to the anticipation followed by the actual behaviors. IMO, my breakthrough resulted from a combination of factors, insights, and choices coming together. First was a rediscovery of Joe Zichik’s material, my wife first discovered 6 years ago when she caught me watching porn. Secondly, was personalizing and assimilating Joe’s 48 chapter free download, “The most personal addiction” information. Thirdly was coming to understand why “I” lied (that seems pretty silly but it was deeper than to deceive or not wanting to tell the truth). And finally, was coming completely “clean” to my wife. Unfortunately she was “re-devastated” by the news, even though she says she knew (I still don’t know how to decipher that). I was no longer watching porn (but reading text sex stories) and had rationalized that the masturbation was “OK” as it was no longer compulsive on a daily basis. The frequency of my new acting out was weekly or bi-weekly depending on whether or not my wife had sex with me over the time frame. Problem was, sex with my wife had become “acting out” with a partner. There was no intimacy. She wanted me to get on, get it over with, and get off. She was/(is) sexual with me out of a biblical sense of obligation, no desire. I became impotent with my wife. She felt used, I was frustrated hearing about it afterwards, and the experience was unfulfilling in terms of arousal, connection, or as a sexual release. Joe Z’s material helped me get my head around differentiating between “natural” and “addictive” sex drive. Just being able to identify and classify my sexual desire was a tremendous benefit in determining my choice of how to respond behaviorally. For the first time in memory, during the last three weeks I have not had the desire to watch porn (or read explicit text stories) or masturbate. I have experienced all of my “sex drive” (natural and addictive), and made the value based choice of deriving my entire sexual fulfillment solely from my wife. Now there has been “NO” sexual fulfillment, as our love life sucks. But at least we are able to work on loving each other outside of the bedroom, without the guilt of acting out or the nagging draw to do so. We’re struggling mightily in that process of attempting to reconnect and I will be reaching out in the days ahead, for insight as to what has been successful for others.

With time waning here is some material from Joe Z, which helped me to understand my urges and sex drive:

I. Success overcoming sex addiction depends on three factors
A. Honesty
1. Most sexually addicted people lie to themselves and/or their partner about their sexually addictive activities. The lies come in the form of rationalizations like, "I don't have a pornography addiction. I'm just having harmless fun." Or the person lies outright, "I didn't get up in the middle of the night to masturbate. I was working late." And of course, "I would never cheat on you."
2. The first goal in counseling is to help the addicted person stop lying. Despite the years and years of lies the addicted person may have told himself and others, he can stop lying. Being honest is a free will choice. The addicted person does need medication, meetings, or years of therapy analyzing his childhood to stop lying. With proper guidance the sexually addicted person can be completely truthful about any sex addiction, including a porn addiction, addictive masturbation, using prostitutes, massage parlors and the various other forms of sexual addiction.
B. Effort
1. Most addicted people are willing to work at overcoming their addiction once they enter counseling. However, if their efforts are not properly guided their attempt to stop will fail. Approaches based on guilt mongering and scare tactics will not help the sex addict get control. He already feels guilty and afraid. An addict needs help, not humiliation. Overcoming pornography addiction, compulsive masturbation, serial cheating, voyeurism, phone sex, and all other forms of sex addiction requires positive motivation.
2. Retribution and humiliation can achieve short term success. Long term success requires a positive approach that encourages and supports the addicted person's efforts to stop.
C. Advice that works
1. Conventional licensed therapy and the 12-step program rely on various forms of repression to try to overcome sex addiction. Here are a few typical ways a sexually addicted person is advised to repress his addictive desires: Stay away from the Internet. Don't read anything or watch movies that might be sexually stimulating. When you feel an addictive desire, go to the gym and do an exhausting workout. Or go to a meeting. Or take psychological medication to squelch the desire. All these and other forms of repression basically advise the addict to try to get away from his or her addictive desire. But, you cannot overcome a sex addiction by trying to escape your sexually addictive desires because they are directly tied to your sex drive and you won't be able to successfully repress your sex drive over the long run.
D. A sex addiction is overcome by first learning how to face - not repress - your addictive desires.
E. In order for the person struggling with sex addiction to prevail, he needs to deal with two separate drives, the addictive drive and the natural drive. He must learn how to distinguish between them and how to stop acting on the addictive drive and continue acting on the natural healthy drive
F. Sexual addiction is overcome by dealing with the underlying problems that lead to addictive sexual behavior thus enabling enjoyable, natural, loving rather than an addictive sex life
II. Additional understandings
A. You have a natural, inborn need for good sex. Natural sex is not something to feel guilty about. It is not something to be denied, repressed or resisted. But it is something that can be abused. When the natural need for sex is abused it becomes an addictive compulsion
B. Once you become addicted, the natural desire for genuine, loving sex is overwhelmed by the addictive compulsion to escape. Which brings us to the question: Escape what?
1. In a word: "life." In a phrase: "the troubles, difficulties and hassles of living."
C. When sex is used as an escape it is not really a pleasure. It's a relief. There is a profound difference between pleasure and relief. Relief is like banging your head against the wall because it feels good when you stop.
D. Pleasure is the enjoyment of a healthy mind and body.
E. The difference between addictive sex and natural sex is the difference between screwing and making love.
1. When you screw someone you use their body to provide you with a thrill. When you make love you are emotionally involved. Your body is an expression of the feelings you have for that person. Their body is an expression of the feelings they have for you.
F. Sexual addiction's main damage is done to one's ability to carry on an honest, committed, caring, intimate relationship
G. Every addicted person deludes him or herself about the real costs of their addiction
H. The worst price paid for sexual addiction is loss of an intimate relationship

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