Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Wed Jul 15, 2020 10:45 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours

Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 7 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Mon Apr 18, 2016 3:42 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 2:35 pm
Posts: 33
Is it common to experience a sense of life not being that exciting? A type of “limbo” when abstinence reduces the negative consequences, guilt, and shame associated with acting out; relations (with spouse) have not had the time to heal, and the value derived from “healthy” behaviors doesn’t have the intensity to experience life as being very exciting.

PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2016 10:04 pm 

Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 246
Good evening tbbtgoggi:

I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me, absolutely. I am still learning to accept and deal with it.

Here is a good thread about that: viewtopic.php?f=2&t=23962&p=232587&hilit=boredom#p232587

How was it for you in the past with boredom?? I kind of got “hung” at about 11 years of age and crave something to do, or to be entertained, NOT good for adults. It’s part of the path that led to my addictions, though only part.

When I stopped the primary acting out behaviors of my sex addiction (pornography and masturbation) yes, things got really dull, real but dull. I’m learning that life doesn’t have to be exciting to be fulfilling, which is good, because life is NOT generally to exciting and that’s good!!!!

The healthy behaviors will provide a milder but MUCH longer lasting “high” that will, as time goes on, be far greater than in the addictive behaviors.

How long did it take for you to get to this place? Be patient, it will take a while to recover then move to a health life, but if you are sincere, it WILL happen.

Again, I’m speaking for myself only.

Patience Honesty and Perseverance

PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2016 8:38 pm 

Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 246
tbbtgoggi, this is the post I remembered but couldn't find last night: ... =2&t=19686

It came from here along with a BUNCH of other good stuff!!



PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2016 10:54 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 2:35 pm
Posts: 33
Hi 62andBroken,

Thank you so much for your response and related links. Let me address your questions first.

How was it for you in the past with boredom??
This question makes me acknowledge my leaning toward thinking/living life as though it is about some “destination” rather than a “journey”. In the past, if I was ever “self-aware” enough to recognize being bored I started searching for “something”. Something to do (any kind of activity), something to be (any kind of altered state - high, drunk, sober, asleep, stimulated), or something to distract (porn, movie, fantasy, TV); it has always been some kind of a search for something outside of myself, IMO to compensate for a feeling of not being good enough.

How long did it take for you to get to this place?
My recovery journey started about 6yrs and 2months ago; when I was caught watching porn by my spouse, (9 years into my second marriage). When she said she was leaving me, she “forced” me to admit I had a problem, but until joining RN in Feb of 2015, I “white knuckled” stretches of abstinence and relapse completely missing my core issues. It has only been within the last couple of months that I experienced my first epiphany.

My first months with RN were a sprint to “fix” the problem by completing the assignments. That time brought me to the place where I am now, beginning recovery.

Some of the things I’ve learned:
• There’s a BIG difference between abstinence and recovery.
• Much of what I recognized when I began were only the symptoms (i.e. acting out) of my addiction, the source’s needing attention were much deeper.
o Feelings of inadequacy
o Fear of rejection & vulnerability
 Much more of an intimacy disorder than a sexual problem
• Recovery is much more about the decisions I make now than the road I have traveled
• I own all aspects of my recovery, it is all my responsibility.
• Why I was a liar
• How polyaddictions are symptoms of the same issues not separate entities
• Both method and motivation are key to recovering
o The motivation truly has to come from within.
 Recovering for any “external” reason will not sustain the recovery
• How paradoxical addiction is - both its commonality and uniqueness
• It’s OK to start over
• It’s OK to “recover” at your own pace
• There are two kinds of “sex drive”, the addictive type we are all familiar with, and the natural God given kind that is healthy
• How self awareness and taking a third party perspective can help me see and deal with my addiction
• One of the keys to abstinence is a decision (that acting out is NOT an option).
• That recovery isn’t a separate compartment, but an integral part of ALL of me
• That the RN community has so much to offer - THANK YOU! - ALL OF YOU.

And the list goes on; maybe the most important realization is that the “things I’ve learned” list will always grow so long as I chose to recover.

With regard to boredom (& after reading the other posts), I chose to see it as something to embrace (at its best) or a mere lack of creativity on my part at its worst; so much to learn, and only a finite amount of time.

Thanks for the input.

PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2016 6:21 pm 

Joined: Fri Apr 15, 2016 3:41 am
Posts: 18
Yeah I experience this too, it's like my life become less exciting than when I always watch porn (hours a day) and engage in sexual/porn fantasies. I think because watching porn/fantasizing is much more exciting than taking care of your values. We can all tell the difference as far as excitement is concerned. We also need to remember that even though addiction gives us high levels of excitement, there will be a time when we will suffer from negative consequence such as lack of motivation and depression. Hence, we are just in the cycle of "Highest of the high then lowest of low" as what some people call it.

Also, I do realize that even though porn/fantasizing is more exciting, it doesn't give me meaning and fulfillment compare to developing my values and having a value-based identity. For porn/fantasizing, fulfillment is finding more intense video and orgasm, but this doesn't give my life fulfillment in the 'long run.' For me, nurturing values and having a value-based identity is way more meaningful and "fulfilling(in the long run)" than porn/fantasies. Now that I think about it, I really am thankful to this workshop.

Anyway, is your wife doing the Partner's Workshop? I think it can help...

PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2016 1:32 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 2:35 pm
Posts: 33
Additionally, when looking back it seems to be natural to “overemphasize” the good and minimize the bad. I think I’ve heard it described as the “halo” effect. It is certainly much better not experiencing the guilt and shame that went with the porn and masturbation, but then, no one “misses” the bad. It may be that since my relationship with my wife is so horrible there is nothing “good” that happens that is as comparable to the intensity of an orgasm. Since sex is “infrequent”, and she only engages in it out of a sense of biblical duty, there is no “high” any more. The get on, get it over with, get off “vaginal masturbation”, as we refer to it, is a sexual release, but there is no intimacy, connection, or joy in it. Add to that the endless hours spent on talking (or arguing) about sex addiction and my “bad”, and life isn’t very enjoyable, much less exciting.

I don’t think my wife is working the partner’s workshop, but she reads through a lot of the partner’s support forum. Then I hear again, about how bad we (SA’s) are. As much as I try to understand and empathize, it gets very old, and I don't think I will ever be able to demonstrate being "sorry enough". After a while I withdraw from it.

PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2016 10:50 pm 
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Sat Jun 04, 2011 10:57 pm
Posts: 317
Hi tbbtgoggi,
It seems to me that emotional intensity can come from satisfaction with your thoughts and actions.
The pain that your wife is feeling is real and very personal. It seems there are a lot of emotional scares
tbbtgoggi wrote:
she reads through a lot of the partner’s support forum. Then I hear again, about how bad we (SA’s) are. As much as I try to understand and empathize, it gets very old, and I don't think I will ever be able to demonstrate being "sorry enough".

Recognizing you've recently restarted working the workshop, keep in mind part of your value system could (and maybe should) include your significant other's boundaries. I'm not saying this recovery is not for you but rather trying to identify areas you may derive satisfaction from your actions. Part of your increased self awareness ties into your feelings for her emotional well being. A potentially strong value to protect.

It's good to hear from different perspectives

Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 7 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group