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 Post subject: In need of some guidance
PostPosted: Thu May 12, 2016 12:40 am 
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Joined: Fri Oct 23, 2015 5:28 am
Posts: 64
I have just gotten to the first lesson on urge control. I'm not using the self-help thread unfortunately, as it felt easier to keep the documentation to myself.

First off, it feels as if by this time i should have attained some sort pf sobriety streak by bow - but no, i still have slips every two or three days. Although i am learning more about my rituals, and am able to balance out the negative consequences with healthy living. But i base this feeling a little on the narration throughout the lessons.

Something specific that bothers me is the following: I can basically narrow my compulsions down to two areas in my life: winding down after work and managing not being able to fall asleep at night. I suppose i have developed my own action plans for these scenarios, and at times gotten quite good at executing them. But it seems that when i focus in on one of these scenarios, the other scenario tends to happen and take me a little by surprise.

As it stands, if i mentally prepare myself for possible insomnia before going to bed, i can more readily get up and go for my walk when it does happen. Its harder when i go to bed unawares and after a while realise that "crap, i cant fall asleep". I suppose im hoping to escape the first hint of an urge by doing this, which may not be the mark of good urge control, but oh well...
Likewise, a walk after work on the way home, a little meditation helps me to not jump at the computer as soon as i get home (for the kind of idle stressed surfing that leads to destructive behaviours). After managing a sleepless night (and i only have my walks for that) this other scenario could sometimes play out and take me by surprise.

Do any others have similar experiences? And if so how do you deal with it?


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PostPosted: Fri May 13, 2016 5:36 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3829
Location: UK
Hello Tilea
good to hear from you and very pleased that you have realised that all is not right and that perhaps help is available

now the apology
I am sorry for the bluntness of my following comments but they are said with the positive hope that you gain from them, should you feel so vulnerable as not to be able to take one on the chin then perhaps read no further


Quote:
First off, it feels as if by this time i should have attained some sort of sobriety streak by now - but no,



for sure you should, you are past 40 or more lessons and have been here for almost 9 months
likely too early for recovery , but recovery should be in progress and at least abstinence should have been practised

it appears to me that you joined the choir, learned the words but still will not sing - why?
what is stopping you?

the answer is that you are stopping you

Quote:
i still have slips every two or three days



I disagree
a slip is a mistake, a small regression, a failure yes, but also an opportunity to learn from
you are not slipping because you have not taken the decision to stop acting out

When I started my journey I believed that when "real life" occurred ( with its inherent problems) that I needed my coping mechanism
I needed to satisfy my urges and had no choice
then I decided to cross that line and seek recovery, realising that I then had no choice but to NOT satisfy my urges, I chose
you also need to choose
going through the lessons and not taking on board their teachings seems to border on being fraudulent,
but who are you cheating?
only yourself

do you remember


Quote:
My reasons to change

I want to live a healthy Life, physically and mentally.

I want to have inner Peace.

I want there to be harmony between my principles and my deeds.

I want to be able to manage my thoughts and emotions with maturity.

I want to have discipline in Life, and the ability to self-motivate.

I want to live honestly.

I want to become a more active and social member of the family.

I want to always see the best in people.

If I one day become afather I want to be the best father-figure I can be.

I want to become a more devout servant of God.

I want to live the idea of being comfortable with discomfort.

I want to be more social and able to connect with the people around me.


are these still relevant?
my suggestion would be re start the programme
use the forums
dont un learn what you learned already
give yourself a pat on the back for being brave enough to start this thread and accept this kick in the arse as a positive

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat May 14, 2016 5:14 am 
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Joined: Fri Oct 23, 2015 5:28 am
Posts: 64
Kenzo,

I was surprised at your answer, and a little saddened by the truth that you point to. But I am not beyond accepting it and following your advice. Please read what I have to say below. I’d very much appreciate a second reply from you.



My mindset from the beginning of the programme was that I would learn and follow the long-term aspects (values-based actions among others), which I did with some success and to an extent that were I to quit the workshop forever, I would probably take with me.
Aside from that I decided to take it easy with the compulsions in the sense that I would not force myself to stay sober until I had learned the urge control parts. But I would document the rituals as taught in the workshop. Perhaps this was a wrong approach? If I were to search my mind, I would probably end up concluding that I took it as an excuse to act out. And I am saddened by this

Throughout my two runs at this workshop, what could often happen was this:
Life’s stressors would break up the momentum and frequency with which I completed the assignments, and any subsequent compulsion would increase that break.

The amount of continuous assignments, while honestly not that many, could sometimes confuse me – the vision, values list and their proactive action plan, health monitoring 1-3, documentation of slips, mapping out of rituals and chains, boundaries list, boundary log. I believe the community forum (during my first run) was an added layer to this, which made it simpler to go at it alone.

But managing to pay some attention to all of these aspects, going back and revising them (and I really did want to do this) turned out for me to be an organisational challenge.

And then there were the slips. Once or twice (honestly) during this whole period have I engaged in my compulsions in a planned manner. But all the other times when I got to my problem areas, I was quick to feel disarmed of my values and everything I had learned, which was frustrating.
‘Significant’ urge for me is a dull “hmph”-ish feeling of something ranging between indifference and slight unease. I am serious! And I am also ashamed by this. My longest streak of sobriety has been 17 days during which I felt pangs of fiery arousal unlike anything I’ve felt before. So I know with what to compare the usual stuff.

And the fact that these are the urges that I face on a day to day basis, I suppose it either means that I am very, very, very incompetent at emotional management (I mean I am really not good) or that in the end I don’t want to change. And this frightens me. I’d like to believe that’s not the case though. My motivation for change is of a sound sort and I have seen glimpses (before RN) of what a healthier life could be.

I have recently begun to consider real-life, or however you’d put it, counselling. I have also considered the version of this programme with a dedicated coach.


What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them


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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2016 7:56 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3829
Location: UK
Tilea
Quote:
What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them


sorry for the delay I am just back from vacation


Quote:
My mindset from the beginning of the programme was that I would learn and follow the long-term aspects (values-based actions among others), which I did with some success and to an extent that were I to quit the workshop forever, I would probably take with me.
Aside from that I decided to take it easy with the compulsions in the sense that I would not force myself to stay sober


tell me that I am wrong but this appears similar to wanting to play sport professionally but not wanting to train

recovery is a journey but surely when taking that journey you should want to feel the benefit of the distance covered, why deny yourself that benefit by acting out?



Quote:
Perhaps this was a wrong approach? If I were to search my mind, I would probably end up concluding that I took it as an excuse to act out. And I am saddened by this


great honesty
now ask what next?
what are you going to do , remember that although you might not believe this right now, the fact is that you do have a choice



Quote:
The amount of continuous assignments, while honestly not that many, could sometimes confuse me – the vision, values list and their proactive action plan, health monitoring 1-3, documentation of slips, mapping out of rituals and chains, boundaries list, boundary log. I believe the community forum (during my first run) was an added layer to this, which made it simpler to go at it alone.


It is your journey so choose the pace but do ensure that there is regular progress, without it the only direction will be downwards
yes continue your personal thread but stay off the community forum unless you have a specific question, that keeps your focus and your work load centred on you

Quote:
And then there were the slips.


as said before slips can and do happen, but they should not be accepted or tolerated but should be learned from
examine in fine detail
ask why
ask how you felt before, at the point of no return, during the act, after the act and later
what did it give you
more importantly what did it cost you


Quote:
I have recently begun to consider real-life, or however you’d put it, counselling. I have also considered the version of this programme with a dedicated coach.


My policy in life is to use every useful tool in the box if it helps to get the job done
but do get the job done
Coaching, therapy/counselling. the RN programme all helps but the work needs to come from within

you name this thread as in need of some guidance, I hope my comments provide you with some but I re state

Please make your choices, choose wisely but choose now, after all what is there to lose compared with what is there to gain

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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