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 Post subject: Discussion
PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2016 3:49 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 04, 2014 8:43 am
Posts: 110
I've decided to try and use RN in a different way and to be proactive and stop feeling sorry for myself and try and get some real advice and feedback. Instaed of being reactive and not forward thinking. I am massively guilty of allowing things to overwhelm me and just allowing the world to go on and this has to stop.

I'm at an event this weekend with my wife and a big group of friends. There will be lots of other people around and I'm sure many of them will be in party gear and looking nice. My wife thinks that I will be looking at every high heel and short skirt but I feel I am in control and able to enjoy the evening without objectifying anyone. Do I talk about things as they arise, try and talk before we go or some other approach.

I understand that my wife feels threatened and unsure of here ground but I really just want an evening out with her and our friends. I want to be able to compliment her and know she isn't thinking that I am looking at anyone else in the room .

If I say that I'm not looking at anyone she will say that as an addict I must be and therefore lying. How do I reasure her?

Your advice, experience and suggestions will be great fully appreciated.


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 Post subject: Re: Discussion
PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2016 7:21 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2008 3:55 pm
Posts: 1209
I think you should be up front and honest with your wife as issues come up. Not in a, 'let's stop everything for the next hour and hash it out' sort of way, but in a way which both you and your wife can acknowledge as being truthful and something to bring up at a better time.

As for reassuring her, you are not going to be able to say anything, really, to make her feel better. Your best chance at proving yourself to be making a sincere effort towards recovery will come from your actions and your willingness to share the truth. Sharing the truth is not just the avoidance of lying, but it is being communicative and open with your feelings (to include doubts and concerns) while recognizing her needs. There is no solution which will ever bring back 100% trust, so you need to do whatever you can to regain what trust your wife is willing to give you---and then be happy with that. Also remember you can be disappointed because she is not trusting you at the level you think you are worth, but you cannot call her on it or get upset. She is the one who gets to determine the level of trust in your relationship.


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 Post subject: Re: Discussion
PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2016 3:35 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 04, 2014 8:43 am
Posts: 110
Thanks for that , just what I'm looking for. I'll post again after the weekend and let you know how it went.


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 Post subject: Re: Discussion
PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2016 12:01 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3829
Location: UK
Hi not much to add to CoachSandalwood's sound advice except to add that is is a good idea (IMO) for both parties to raise fears, concerns and observations as they occur , rather than to dwell upon and probably judge later
hope it all went well , that you both enjoyed the evening and both benefited in your individual journies

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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