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PostPosted: Sun Jun 12, 2016 2:39 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jan 29, 2015 12:00 pm
Posts: 95
In the future I would like to be a father, get married and raise kids - this is part of my life vision.

I know this is something i can have with my ex-gf. I could get back with her and work on our relationship. However, i do not feel like doing this. Every time i try to be with her i feel very anxious, and not at peace - however i am not sure if this feeling is just my addicted mind, who doesn't want to commit, who wants to go out with other girls and have endless possibilities open. We have tried so many times to be together, and it is always me who ends up not being able to deal with the relationship.

Honestly, i feel like i cannot be with her or with anybody else as long as i continue to struggle with my addiction. The emotional consequences that make my life so unmanageable get even worse when i try to fit someone else in my life, including my ex-gf.

I am afraid that i am not following my values and what could bring me long term stability and fulfillment, which is focusing on a relationship with her and raising a family. I am afraid that once i am healthy i will look back and realize that it was my addicted mind fooling me into thinking that what we had was not "good enough".

The most honest way i can try to see it is that i am not ready. I am not ready to commit to a relationship. I need to focus on building my values, get to know myself better and manage my life in healthy ways. Then, i could think about being in a relationship. - but, isn't this avoiding working on something good for my life? isn't this choosing the easy path and hiding under a rock?

Finally, and just to add some background - i have never felt really "in love" with her. However, i cannot trust my personal perception of love because it is highly influenced by feeling sexual attraction to someone, which i don't feel to her.

I am aware that love is something you build and work for, and that sex is not everything - but i also think that there should be a healthy desire and attraction for your partner.

The whole thing is very confusing when it comes to try to separate feelings from values. what feelings should we trust and what feelings should we not? - i know this is an extreme example. - but if i was healthy already, and having a family was a top value for me, then i could ignore things such as being naturally attracted to someone and try to have a family and kids with any woman - just because i base the decision on a value, and not in how it makes me feel.

I guess that the healthiest thing to do is to stay away. The whole thing is just so confusing that does not bring anything good to either of us, but the thought of having the opportunity to build something amazing with her, create deepness, have a family etc... haunts me very often - as i am not sure if i am making the right decision by letting her go.

thank you for reading this long and confusing post lol.

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- IronAndy
"Our thinking cannot be wiser than our understanding"


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 13, 2016 3:41 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3829
Location: UK
Hi Andy
I note that you are asking yourself thy questions in this post so perhaps it might be wise to copy this into your personal thread

I also believe that you have answered those questions?

Quote:
Every time i try to be with her i feel very anxious, and not at peace

i feel like i cannot be with her or with anybody else as long as i continue to struggle with my addiction.



I am not ready to commit to a relationship.

I guess that the healthiest thing to do is to stay away.



I believe that you are correct when you evaluate where your focus is compared with where it perhaps should be

Quote:
I am afraid that i am not following my values and what could bring me long term stability and fulfillment, which is focusing on a relationship with her and raising a family.


IMO it would be wise to revisit your lifes vision and spend the next couple of months or so concentrating on you and your recovery putting relationships with any except yourself on hold, there is no rush , you have time

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Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2016 8:43 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jan 29, 2015 12:00 pm
Posts: 95
Thank you coach Kenzo.

I will do that. Put all relationships on hold and focus on myself and recovery.

_________________
- IronAndy
"Our thinking cannot be wiser than our understanding"


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