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PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 11:15 am 
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Posts: 215
Why am I still struggling, why am I still succumbing to the little crap hooks that are out there?
I can go for days, weeks actually . . .doing really well . . .I make a mistake and in the course of 10 seconds out of 100's of thousands of minutes or hours of good, seem to be set back . . .I have looked back at urge control, doing it pretty much right . . .and maybe its just the recognition that it is going to take longer for my wife to see me as changed than it is for me to do . . .

Some of my thoughts . . .I know that I am scared,I am fearful, protecting my self from hurt, making me feel better about myself because I have been such a louse, having everything that anyone would want, family, job, status, friends but being involved with behavior that risked it all . . . because I am not confident that giving up everything, giving up all control will result in what I really want, a restored marriage and relationship with my wife, because I still want final say in how things are going to turn out. I know in my mind that I can't be doing this for someone else but doing this for me is still the process by which I want to achieve my ultimate goal of restoration with my wife. Two years and really, No one else that knows us knows . . .just me and her . . .

I know it has to do with lack of focus . . .being complacent . . not keeping being right on the forefront of my mind . . falling back into what is comfortable . . . looking for places that don't confront my past. But really I believe I have confronted my past and want nothing to do with it . . .the memories are not ones of pleasant endings.

I am committed to being a "walking right person" . . .focused on God, living for Him, loving my wife and family . . I am committed to wanting to do things right, but little failures that seem to be a reflection of the big failures that I encountered seem to set me continually back . . .I cannot seem to escape the fact that I did all of these awful things, stole hundreds of thousands from my family, gave the money to scores of whores, betrayed my wife and myself and my family, lived a completely double life that led to a compete moral failure on my part.

I cannot give up, I will not give up desiring restoration of myself and my marriage . . .I am not defined by what I have done . . .I am no longer that person living the double life . . .the layers of crap that I have let strangle me that I thought in so many ways were gone seem to regenerate and grab hold of me in little ways . . .I am not obsessed with sexual desires for other women any longer, not living a secret life but not able to fully escape the past and the effect that it has on my wife . . .how can I move forward?


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 12:42 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3635
Location: UK
DB
Quote:
how can I move forward?


the realisation of
Quote:
I am not defined by what I have done


plus the facts of .
Quote:
I am not obsessed with sexual desires for other women any longer, not living a secret life


demonstrate that you have moved forwards, take that as a blessing and be grateful


now you need to deal with
Quote:
the layers of crap that I have let strangle me that I thought in so many ways were gone seem to regenerate and grab hold of me in little ways
.
you do this by being open and honest with yourself
analyse your actions and the reasons for them
enact the teachings of RN

Quote:
not able to fully escape the past and the effect that it has on my wife . . .


will you fully escape your history, will any of us?
we need to accept our past and take ownership and then we need to take control of our present and future
unfortunately but factually there is nothing that you can do to change the effect that your addiction had on your wife
I do hope that she is healing, but that process is long and torturous
all that you can do is recover, stay supportive and have empathy

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 1:02 pm 
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Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:49 pm
Posts: 1626
Hi DBack,

I think what you're describing is honestly part of the process of re-learning to live a healthy life. A lot of recovery and the transition to a healthy life is two steps forward, one step back...three steps forward, one step back...etc. etc.

As I always reflect on in similar situations, the solution as Jon put it is to become a student of your own life. You will undoubtedly get caught in situations you have not planned for, and resort to doing what emotionally feels best (even when that feeling leads you to a destructive decision). You will take steps back...not that your "steps back" should be justified...which is easy to do. But every time you take a step back (whether it has to do with sexually compulsive rituals or not), analyze what happened and why. In any life situation where you realize you did not act as you wish you would have...take the time to analyze why, and commit to doing better next time. Map it out using the tools in the workshop, if needed. And accept the consequences, good and bad, always.

What you want to watch for, at least in determining long-term progress, is not that you are taking steps back (as you will), but how you are reacting to them, and whether the same things continue to trip you up. Making mistakes and having things derail you is not wrong. However, if the same things are repeatedly derailing you, in the same way, you have to assess why (ie. are you "allowing" yourself to make a mistake, then justify it...and we have all been there). Again, if you are learning from each opportunity (and again, think of such back steps as opportunities to learn, rather than failures), then even if you fail again in the future, each time you should improve a bit, until you are able to handle such situations effectively. If you are not constantly improving in how you respond to such scenarios, then that is when you really need to ask why...not that you are taking any back steps at all.

Hope that helps. Keep at it. :g:

Boundless

_________________
"If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where do you expect to find it?" - Dogen

"Be a lamp unto yourself." - Buddha

"The obstacle is the path."


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 1:35 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Little things are not just little things . . .everything that I do is a big thing . . .I have to take that tact because of the wave of destruction that I left in my path of irrationality, deceit and infidelity . . .thankfully I am still hanging on the relationship with my wife that is the most precious connection that I have in my life . . .

Keep walking forward . . .maintain the values that I have always said that I have had . . .understand that I am not who I was, but there are still land mines that I have planted out there that occasionally explode in my wife's life . . .protect her from those land mines . . .protect myself from those land mines . . .

Do not get complacent! Stay focused . . .

by the way this was for me, not directed toward any one else . . .thanks for listening in! I hope it also helps someone else walking this path


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 3:24 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Thanks to all for this post. It is helpful, it gives perspectives...

I just came back from my weekly AA meeting. Alcoholism was another addiction. For 3 month I have recognized that I was a real alcoholic, I am really happy to have found this group, and to meet these different people once a week.

In my case it seems alcohol is far easier to stop than SA (I do not suffer urge about alcohol, and I have no big shame to explain my choice). So this afternoon I wonder to myself why do I go there. And I found an answer: to get help, to ask for help, to have the courage to ask for help. I won't succeed alone. I still need help.

These meeting are a powerful tool to examine my emotion, to make my thought real.

Why do I share that???

The topic tonight was "to move forward"! Every meeting member has shared about this topic... "Move forward", every body agree that it is in the action, in the present, in the integrity and in the honnesty that we learn a new life. Once you move forward, you can not do anything else...

Second reason, And last night I reworked on previous lesson (hard one - lesson 39 about sexual boundaries). I worked on it because I felt like a junky, I was bored to still be polluted by these thought, I was bored to still require to activate "urge management" method, and globally to have the feeling to continue to betray my wife, my family. And by the way, I concluded:
> I really moved forward, in a healthy direction over the last 9 month
> I must continue to stay focus, to avoid complacency, plenty of things I do not understand, I did not learn yet.

So I want to say to all of you thanks for this post, thanks for your courage and honnesty to tell your weakness, your doubt... Yes it is helpful.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 3:24 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Thanks to all for this post. It is helpful, it gives perspectives...

I just came back from my weekly AA meeting. Alcoholism was another addiction. For 3 month I have recognized that I was a real alcoholic, I am really happy to have found this group, and to meet these different people once a week.

In my case it seems alcohol is far easier to stop than SA (I do not suffer urge about alcohol, and I have no big shame to explain my choice). So this afternoon I wonder to myself why do I go there. And I found an answer: to get help, to ask for help, to have the courage to ask for help. I won't succeed alone. I still need help.

These meeting are a powerful tool to examine my emotion, to make my thought real.

Why do I share that???

The topic tonight was "to move forward"! Every meeting member has shared about this topic... "Move forward", every body agree that it is in the action, in the present, in the integrity and in the honnesty that we learn a new life. Once you move forward, you can not do anything else...

Second reason, And last night I reworked on previous lesson (hard one - lesson 39 about sexual boundaries). I worked on it because I felt like a junky, I was bored to still be polluted by these thought, I was bored to still require to activate "urge management" method, and globally to have the feeling to continue to betray my wife, my family. And by the way, I concluded:
> I really moved forward, in a healthy direction over the last 9 month
> I must continue to stay focus, to avoid complacency, plenty of things I do not understand, I did not learn yet.

So I want to say to all of you thanks for this post, thanks for your courage and honnesty to tell your weakness, your doubt... Yes it is helpful.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:02 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Thanks for sharing your thoughts . . .moving forward is a positive . . .reinforcing renewed values and recognizing that the past was not helpful at all . . .I trip to the sewer . . .nothing good could come of where I was . . .moving forward is the only way to go, even when I take a step of two backwards . . .still move forward out of the darkness and into the light.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 3:33 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 95
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Quote:
Progress not perfection


Quote:
I am not defined by what I have done
but shaped by what you have done.
Cue the serenity prayer.

I'm a little reluctant to be giving advice as this is my first pass through RN and I'm recovering from emotional immaturity myself.
Have a read of lesson 47. I'm in the process of doing this and it seems like it is the advice you are after.
Have a word with your inner self. Are you a master,student or still immature?

Bov, quick one for you. I wonder if RN is also helping with your other addiction. And AA helping with your SA.
Health based recovery is about getting emotional value from your life. The same processing at the end of the day fits all addictions.
I went to a few SLA meetings. I stopped mainly because I wanted to focus on one method of recovery, that being RN, but I did see, even in that short time,the value of sharing with others in the same situation.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 10:52 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Thanks for sharing . . .don't look at what you are saying necessarily as advice but just sharing your experience . . .it is amazing how similar all of our experiences have been when we honestly share which ends up being a good support and reminder and encouragement to one another . . .it can be a great support system. Thanks for sharing and being a encouragement by just being there for those of us, all together, dealing with the consequences of the horrendous decisions that we made, no excuses, just the reality of moving forward in more positives directions.


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