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 Post subject: Is 9 years enough?
PostPosted: Wed Jun 07, 2017 6:11 pm 

Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2017 1:57 pm
Posts: 5
I feel uninvolved in his recovery. Its like life with him is still a big secret. Has 9 years of lies not been enough? I have done much to support him! Still feel he is being dishonest with me about his recovery such as no urges, triggers, thoughts. I'm in the dark on what's going on with him mentally. He has been P free for 30 days and I can't imagine he's been doing this for 13 ish year and nothing going on mentally about it. And no he's not in a flateline, morning woods he gets are about all he tells me about. I completely know his recovery is his choice and in his hands. I still sense his lies and deceptions to not only me but himself.
Not sure if we should do couple workshop together or I do a seperate workshop.???

He moved out per my request which I believe was necessary. If nothing changes, nothing gets changed. I feel all the weight of the family/house is now on my shoulders; no help in daily chorus, task, getting kids ready, etc. I fear this could lead to even more resentment.

I feel I need to seperate myself from him to heal myself but fearful of the outcome this may cause. Furthering distancing us as a couple, even more distrust (If that's even possible), no help with the insecurity he has cause on me and my self esteem ( i find myself crying myself to sleep all alone).

Yes I noticed the trend of a lot of I and fear. ;) the I is because I've devoted all my energy to him since he confessed to me a month ago after another year of lies saying no he hasn't been PMOing or what his favorite seemed to be is called edging. I've caught him in the act I don't even know how many times before in our relationship always followed with him being sorry and empty promises of stopping. This time he finally added he can't stop. All my thoughts, prayers etc..all have been on him. I have fallen into my own depression. I feel so broken and drained. I have not been able to sleep or eat well or meet my needs.

Back ground history. We have been married almost 5 years and been together almost 9 years. He has had PIED through ALL of our relationship and lies ALL of our relationship. Not just about porn either. Our sexual relationship has been very far from good and pretty much sucky. Lately I found myself remembering good healthy sexual relationships I had in prior relationships. It CAN be wonderful and I find anger he stole that from me for 9 years of my life.

I feel like I'm on a daily rollercoaster of emotions but I'm trying to remove some of the emotions in this writing to be more black and white. I'm sure more RAW emotions will come as this journey continues.

 Post subject: Re: Is 9 years enough?
PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 8:07 am 

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 71
I still sense his lies and deceptions to not only me but himself.

I am a new member here on RN, and I don't have any advice actually, but your message reminded me and my 2 year relationship, no kids, just living together, I had been a porn addict for 6 years around that time, and LYING TO MYSELF was my thing. In my view now, I have wasted 2 years of that girls life (though we had wonderful moments together) because of my severe porn addiction (we wouldn't have sex for periods of 2-3 months, I became numbed emotionally and physically). I had to break up with her because I felt deep inside that something is wrong with me, I felt that I was lying to my self, but I thought maybe it's just the wrong partner (yeah I know it sounds stupid, when I think about that type of mentality back then). So after breaking up it still took me 2 years to realize that damn this might have been porn, and maybe I am a porn addict, then, I did my best to reduce porn for half a year, until I realized that it should be quit for good. Still took me 2 more years to go through relapses, many lessons and finally I am here in RN, still having perverted sexual thoughts even after not having watched porn for 10 months.

Thank you for writing here, it really helped me to reevaluate my life, and consolidate my hope for the better future. I could only share my perspective as a porn addict, but this is what I read on one website (and by the way, it seems just like a summary of all that I read throughout those 2 years of trying to quit porn) :

Pornography addiction does not only affect the addict. It can also negatively impact the well being of the individual’s wife or girlfriend. The addiction can cause the following feelings within the wife of a porn addict:
Rejection. Betrayal.Depression.Abandonment.Isolation.Loneliness.Humiliation.Anger.
The majority of the women married to husbands addicted to porn meet the criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), a serious mental disorder, and require treatment.

Just my thoughts, it's not even an advice, maybe older members will help you with how you should approach this issue :) I wish you the best of luck :)

 Post subject: Re: Is 9 years enough?
PostPosted: Wed Jul 26, 2017 12:01 pm 
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3945
Location: UK
Hello Lonelywife

Sorry to read your story and I apologise to you and all partners suffering due to our actions, but I appreciate that being sorry can never be enough

As a partner you should post on the healing forums not here in the recovery one
no harm done
I suggest that you copy and paste thus will receive help support and guideance from those who have gone through similar situations
I copy the link
hope that you do heal and that your partner gets serious in his recovery
good luck to you both

Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo

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