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 Post subject: Reading her posts
PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2017 8:02 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 161
Hi all.

New to RN, actively working on my SA. My wife found this resource for us and we are currently both working on our individual recovery/healing threads. When we're ready to proceed, we'll work on the couple's thread (but I'm not ready just yet). In the meantime, do you encourage/discourage reading each other's personal recovery threads? I can see the pros and cons for both, but wanted to know what the general consensus was. Thanks.


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 Post subject: Re: Reading her posts
PostPosted: Sun Oct 29, 2017 8:25 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3561
Location: UK
hello Anon

Quote:
do you encourage/discourage reading each other's personal recovery threads?

I encourage talking
talking openly, criticising constructively

regarding reading each others posts I guess this as you say has pros and cons for both parties

I suggest that you talk about this to each other and agree as to what suits you BOTH the best

good luck with your recovery and good luck to your partners in her healing

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: Reading her posts
PostPosted: Thu Mar 29, 2018 5:20 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3561
Location: UK
Hello Anon
you asked the question regarding reading each others posts
I am sure that many others have wondered the same
it has now been a while since you considered this, hence for the potential benefit of others, I ask

What did you both decide was for the best and what if any were / are the benefits or consequences of that decision and subsequent action

perhaps others might also wish to share their own experiences regarding this topic?

Thanks in anticipation

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: Reading her posts
PostPosted: Thu Mar 29, 2018 10:39 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 161
Hey there Kenzo,

What is so important to remember is that for the last 8 years we've been together, I haven't given her a choice to be involved. I alone made the decision to throw our marriage, kids, and my life into the throngs of my addiction to serve my emotion management. So now that we're in it, the least she deserves is a choice in what she needs to know/when/how much/etc for her to heal

Since she is dealing with PTSD and shockwaves from D-Day x 2, we found it best to leave each other's thread alone. The primary reason was that although we intend to continue practice absolute honesty, we both knew that the nitty gritty details could potentially be further damaging to her healing and not productive. She's asked me to be gentle. For example, knowing I have unhealthy sexual values and that I'm working on them? Very important. Reading and knowing all 182 of my original sexual values (which often contradict each other) would not serve her healing. If anything, it would leave her confused and worried. Another example: knowing about all of my compulsive rituals/chains is super important. But knowing the exact play-by-play details of each step involved in my compulsive fantasies does not serve her. Perhaps it serves her curiosity, but not her healing. But in the end, she always gets decide.

On my end, knowing her anguish and seeing the consequences of my actions is helpful. But reading her stream of consciousness of anger/resentment could be triggering to my borderline personality disorder. Nothing productive comes from that.

The benefits?
Instead of hiding behind a computer, we have intimate discussions about what we've learned on RN. I will often forward her snippets from Coach Jon's lessons on what resonates with me. I'll even email her segments of my completed lessons as they relate to our conversations and ongoing healing. These open conversations help us create building blocks to share in healing and thought.

The negative consequences?
My compulsive thoughts of wanting to hide something from her is sometimes triggered.
I often felt urges to read her thread knowing that "she wasn't reading mine".

For any passerbys, this DOES NOT MEAN we allow absolute honesty to be violated, this DOES NOT MEAN omission is allowed. It means that we created mutually agreed upon boundaries that preserve our brains, respect, and forward moving healing.


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