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 Post subject: Rock bottom
PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2017 7:38 am 

Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2017 10:31 am
Posts: 26
Rock bottom.

They say many addicts don't truly seek help until they've hit rock bottom.

I’m not quite there yet but I can see it clearly from here. I’m rapidly tumbling toward the bottom of the ditch and will hit the absolute bottom in about two weeks when my wife and I will be officially separated and I move out of our home.

Why am I posting this? Because it’s a good opportunity to remind everyone here about the consequences of our behavior. As addicts, our minds are locked into a cycle of repetitive, negative behavior that we don’t analyze. It has always been a relief valve or a temporary escape that seemingly made things better, but that’s a lie. Something triggers us and our unhealthy mind goes into overdrive and we engage in the unhealthy behavior without truly considering the consequences. We don’t see the negative consequences because we’re not truly focused on what is going on around us. If you are participating in this program then you obviously have a problem and realize you need to change your ways. Participation here means you’re on the right path but you must commit to it and get healthy or you must consider the very real consequences of continuing along the same path of living a lie.

Those consequences have now smacked me hard in the face and, as I told my wife recently, the brutal reality of what I have done has been devastating and immensely painful. She realizes this all too well though as her pain is worse than mine. Watching her suffer and enduring my own pain has caused me to truly reflect upon who I am, how I got to this point and why. It’s as if a dense fog has cleared from my vision just in time to see the train wreck I’ve caused.

In about two weeks I will lose my wonderful wife who has given me more opportunities to change than I deserve. And she has suffered greatly for that because I didn’t change my behavior. I brought this problem into our marriage because I wasn’t man enough, or healthy enough, to tell her the truth when we first met. That, and I was in denial that I had a problem. So, she ended up married to a man she didn’t really know for the last sixteen years. The initial revelation as to my porn addiction hurt her deeply and struck at the core of her psyche. And with each subsequent D-day it was like twisting the knife and causing her even more pain. I’ve tried to tell her that the porn had nothing to do with her beauty or her sexiness but it’s almost impossible for her to see that. I didn't resort to this behavior because she was lacking in any way. I did it because of my poor skills in dealing with my emotions and my inability to tend to our relationship in a healthy manner. My continued reliance on porn and masturbation had to do with my inability to cope with stress in a more positive fashion. It has always been a brief escape from reality but one that has ultimately made my reality even worse than it was before.

My wife is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She has made me a better person. She is gorgeous, incredibly sexy, extremely smart, has a wicked sense of humor, is multi-talented and, most importantly, has a strong set of healthy values. She’s done nothing to deserve all the pain and anguish I’ve caused her except for her misplaced faith in me. I failed her as a husband by not, in turn, placing my faith in her. If I had been honest with her, and myself, early on I wouldn’t be fast approaching the bottom of the ditch I am facing today.

We made a good team and did many things well together. We both had successful careers and made a nice home for our kids. We’ve done a decent job of raising those kids to become independent, successful people. We worked hard, saved our money and retired early to paradise. And we’ve made some good friends along the way. But now, as a result of not facing and overcoming my problem, all of that is lost. And my dear wife is losing all of this too. She doesn’t deserve it but that is the new reality she faces as the innocent victim of my failures. I’ve faced this new reality with a great many tears and sleepless nights, as she also has, and while it seems like I’ve hit rock bottom, I know that isn’t true. True rock bottom will hit me in about two weeks when I walk out the door and leave her, and everything we’ve accomplished together, behind.

I now see things clearly for the first time in a long while and I am committed to getting healthy and staying healthy. I still hold on to the hope that, if I do this, I may be given one more chance to be the husband she deserves and to prove to her that I truly do love her. I know this a remote possibility but I refuse to surrender the best gift I’ve ever received, my dear sweet wife.

So, if you are reading this then you’re probably dealing with the same type of addictive behavior that I have dealt with for years. Take this opportunity to really reflect upon your life and the possible consequences you will face if you continue to live your life as a lie. If you’re married and love your spouse then engage with them, admit your problems and commit to working together to overcome them. Don't just tell them you love them, show them. You owe it to them as their spouse. And, if you don’t really love them, then do them a favor and tell them now so they can begin to heal themselves and put their lives back together. You owe them that too.

The negative consequences of continuing the addictive behavior are real and they are devastating for you and your loved ones. The rewards gained by getting healthy are definitely the better way to go. Take a long hard look at your life and commit to health now. Take it from me, that’s a much better view than the one I’m seeing from the bottom of the ditch.

 Post subject: Re: Rock bottom
PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2017 8:18 am 
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3907
Location: UK
Great post EtC
I do hope that someone here in this community benefits from your insight
I feel your pain and that of your wife
I feel confident that you are on the right path but please do not allow the imminent change in your circumstances tempt you to stray from that path

good luck and thanks for sharing

Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo

 Post subject: Re: Rock bottom
PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2017 11:54 am 
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 308

Thank you for sharing this. I connect with you and hurt with you and your wife. I fear losing everything. Reading your post was heart wrenching. I can only pray that I can continue to have the strength to engage and initiate with my wife as you recommend.

I'm inspired by your commitment to health even in the face of your ditch.

May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you be at ease.

 Post subject: Re: Rock bottom
PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2017 12:16 pm 
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 412
I really appreciated your post EtC. There are a lot of people on here (both men and women) who are on here because they fear being in your shoes right now. Personally, I have been to the edge of the precipice myself several years ago and looked down inside and it wasn't a nice view. When you glance through other peoples' threads on here you can clearly see that whilst we all have different compulsive issues that we are trying to deal with there is a common theme that we are all scared where it will lead us if we don't do something about it. There has been a lot of head in the sand stuff and when I look back now at some of the stupid risks I have taken to jeopardise my marriage it terrifies me. Thankfully I was granted that one last chance to change my ways. I fear that I didn't have the tools to do that properly at the time other than just to try and put a lid on it and hope for the best. I know deep down that this was a time bomb waiting to explode. This site has been a life saver for me by helping to give me the tools to change and lose the fear that the lid will come off at some stage which it otherwise inevitably would. My heart goes out to you for your circumstances but I am sure it will give you the drive you need to push ahead with RN and never find yourself in this situation again. If you can prove that to yourself then you never know what the future holds and maybe you will get your final chance that you hope for with your wife and will be able to seize it with both hands. I hope that turns out to be the case and wish you all the best.


A clean life; a clear conscience

 Post subject: Re: Rock bottom
PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 12:56 am 

Joined: Wed Oct 18, 2017 10:04 am
Posts: 3
Thank you for your post. I've been where you are and where you're heading and it's an incredibly painful experience, one that I've struggled through for the last two years. Honestly, I felt like you were writing out my own thoughts and experiences and I personally know the pain you and your wife are going through. I don't wish that experience on anyone. I wish I could say you'll get through this quickly and everything will be fine but it is going to hurt for a while, there will be many ups and downs through the process of healing. The good news is there is always hope and you've recognized the problem that can now be addressed, your inability to cope with stress and life emotions. I know my addictions and compulsive behaviors are symptoms of my own inability to cope and lack of life management skills. I too still hold on to the hope that I can overcome all of this and be reunited with my sweet ex-wife and become the husband she needed me to be all along. I've accepted the fact that that might not be the case but I loved her then and still love her now and I'm not going to give up on that hope of making things right, the way it was supposed to be if I hadn't let my poor choices and dishonesty wreak so much havoc in my life. It's a long road but I know it's worth it to reclaim the life you and I both want. Keep going brother, there is a community of people here to help you out of the ditch and back into the sunlight of living a healthy, honest life. We can't change the past but we can change how we react to it and I know as we face our demons and learn how to work through the emotions of life in a healthy way, we can still enjoy the fulfillment of a whole-hearted life.

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