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PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 1:06 am 

Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 246
What is FULL disclosure, from BOTH sides ......

PostPosted: Mon Jan 15, 2018 1:07 pm 
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3907
Location: UK
Full disclosure, what is it?
Lets start with what it is not
its not simply telling the truth, it goes way beyond that
it is telling the whole truth
answering un asked questions

It needs to start with the addicts self analysis and admission of whom and what he has become
the harm his chosen actions have caused

Full disclosure is what our partners need to have the opportunity to regain control over their life. To identify the ways in which our addiction has affected her. How it has influenced her value system. How it has violated the boundaries that she once held. She needs to have the freedom to explore the damage our behaviour has caused and the freedom to repair it

Full disclosure is a demonstration that we are willing to put her health above the relationship; above even ourselves

lesson 10 in the recovery workshop is worth re visiting ... op_010.php

quotes from therein

One of the most important aspects of living a healthy life is your ability to share your true self with the world around you. That means that the life you are living is the life that others know you to be living. A life without secrets. A life without fear (of your hidden decisions being discovered). A life without deception.

full disclosure help to provide the foundation for this

It is on you to develop a policy of honesty that reflects your desire to establish a true partnership with your partner. That means, 'black-and-white' honesty is not enough. You must develop a mastery over your own actions—including your own thoughts and the intentions that surround those thoughts. And learn to share them fearlessly—as they are a part of who you are and the life that you are living

in addiction one of the most controversial areas of open communication lie with how much detail to share.
well that is not a choice for the addict, she gets to choose, and that decision is hers and could well change over time

Finally "drip feeding " disclosure is no way forwards and it cost me my marriage
learn from my mistake

Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo

PostPosted: Wed Jan 17, 2018 2:16 pm 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
Coming from the partner's perspective, I'd add, in addition to Kenzo's sound feedback:

1. Clear communication prior to the disclosure is necessary. In other words, knowing, with as much specificity as possible, what your partner considers as full disclosure and needs to hear. Those boundaries need to be honored and respected. What I, as a partner, need for full disclosure is not what another partner needs. Each individual partner should define her parameters and boundaries. It may take her a while to determine what these are, especially if her exposure to the addict's secret life is new and her world is very recently upended.

2. For the partner, it can be useful, and possibly necessary, to have this be a scheduled event, with support systems in place for the partner before and after (an example of a support system and plan might include full disclosure happening in the partner's therapist office, for example, so she has someone to help her assess her emotions afterward. That is just one idea, and may not be relevant or helpful for all partners)

3. To further reiterate Kenzo's point: drip disclosures can and will take down a relationship. From my perspective, the reason is simple: at a point, my health will no longer tolerate ongoing stress to its system. The word "tolerate" here is not in an authoritative perspective, but instead it means, simply, my physical, mental and psychological health will say "uncle" and I will end the relationship to literally save myself if I'm put under conditions of partial/drip disclosures.

PostPosted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 6:55 pm 

Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 96
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Ironically, today is one year since I joined RN. A programme that has taken that whole year.
I read this post this morning after finally drip feeding my poor wife the latest, and last, installment of pain the evening before.
Total honesty is just one thing I just failed on. In the early days information had to be dragged out the after huge efforts I managed to share all more details in two separate sessions then only to omit something. Each time the wife has put huge efforts in working on our relationship and her own recovery I have rewarded her dishonesty and more revealations.
After a few passionate kisses we even got to the point of making love. This was unexpected on my behalf but a brave and beautiful this for the wife to do, yet because by now I'd thought of a few missing details that I not has the courage to share. Lack of openness and honesty meant I simply failed to show the appreciation. You're held back. Scared to open up and be vulnerable in case your guard slips. And all this when I think I was doing well with my recovery. Intellectually I understood what I needed to do and why. The wife is to good at this. She's read me like a book and hit the nail on the head. My cowardice is further compounded by not only the knowledge that I have details to share but also by fact that they should have been shared long ago.
It's all out now and that's a real release of pressure. I would use this as a positive and spring back into RN and turn intellectual training into functional mastery but for the fresh hurt I've caused the wife.
I fear I've broken her tolerance, both with content and manner of delivery, and boy she's been tolerant.

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