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 Post subject: Help with motivation
PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2018 9:12 am 
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Joined: Sat Feb 17, 2018 11:00 pm
Posts: 16
Hey guys,

I have been having a lot of trouble maintaining motivation. I am able to start strong and I do some work every day but it always seems to taper off. I am great at procrastinating and making excuses so this trend continues until my wife is fed up enough to confront me about my inaction. This pattern is shifting my responsibility on to her and I know that it's not okay to do that but I am having trouble changing this pattern. Somewhere along the way my motivation starts to dwindle and I feel like I'm not making progress. I start to notice all the things in my life that I am unhappy about and I feel tired and depressed.

I was wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar and if there is any advice. My wife mentioned something about how your brain gets used to processing dopamine and changing that drastically could contribute to lack of feeling accomplished but I don't really know how to try to counteract that. I have spent much of my life avoiding discomfort and I need to change that real quick. I know that I will be better off if I can manage to do the work and get healthier but I gradually lose sight of that again and again.

Thanks.


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 Post subject: Re: Help with motivation
PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2018 3:26 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3783
Location: UK
Hello Wolf


Quote:
Somewhere along the way my motivation starts to dwindle and I feel like I'm not making progress


Well there is a surprise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Recovery will simply stall every time when the motivation and commitment is not there
Are you making progress at all?
I cannot comment as I do not see your thread, posting here in the forums is not obligatory but the benefits are there for the taking, what do you have to lose, nothing, what do you have to gain, everything

Ok the kick in the balls section is now over and this usually hurts, its meant to, its there to ensure that you see what is required to attain the pat on the back (especially from yourself)

Quote:
I am great at procrastinating and making excuses

All addicts are, you are certainly not alone but you need to do this for you otherwise simply dont bother and keep on noticing all the things in your life that you are unhappy about and continue to feel tired and depressed.
Addicts generally believe that we/they need to hold on to at least one part of our addiction, just in case, we will be better people and that will be OK
Well OK it will and is not, in addiction there is no way of being half pregnant, it is recover or continue into further depths of destruction

Quote:
This pattern is shifting my responsibility on to her and I know that it's not okay to do that but I am having trouble changing this pattern.

And what happens if she decides not to accept that responsibility as the problem is yours not hers, where does that leave you? where does that leave her?
You need to prove not only to her but moreso to yourself that you do deseve the opportunity to standby her side
Quote:
I was wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar


Of course , most if not all addicts go through this , those that give in fail and remain addicts, those who strive to recover seriously have a better than even chance of success i.e. recovery

Quote:
I have spent much of my life avoiding discomfort

All addicts “feel” comfortable in our addiction but answer this , are we?
Believe me when I say that recovery is so much more comfortable than the alternative of scheming and deceit , so Wolf You might not realise it but you do have a choice, choose wisely, choose for you but do choose now, support is on hand
The community is supportive and does not judge, so please consider using every useful tool in the box

Good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: Help with motivation
PostPosted: Tue Jul 03, 2018 1:42 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 96
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Wolf,
Yes, kick in the balls time.
Having read your post it's striking a chord with me. So I'm going to be frank but I'm also talking to myself.
To help with the clarity of mind you need to go cold turkey. Reboot your system. If masturbation is your thing then give it up for at least three months, 6 in my case. You need to be serious about quitting your SA . Have a hard chat with yourself inner self and seriously abstain. I found that having given up for so long, coupled with RN work in the meantime, I no longer saw any value in acting out.

Values! Take a good look at your values. Something kenso said made me realise that you can accept discomfort from things you value and avoid it elsewhere. There is nothing but discomfort from acting out, be that physical or mental. Is quite a step to shift your values. This is the becoming healthy that is the goal of RN after all.


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 Post subject: Re: Help with motivation
PostPosted: Tue Jul 03, 2018 1:43 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 96
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Oops double post.


Last edited by Spanner on Thu Jul 05, 2018 2:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Help with motivation
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2018 9:45 am 
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Joined: Sat Feb 17, 2018 11:00 pm
Posts: 16
Hey guys, thanks for the replies.

Perhaps I should have included more context. I have been struggling with recovery for years, and currently have been "sober" for almost six months. I experience these periods of pessimism and doubt that begin rather suddenly and last for a few days to a week. After its over I can look back and recognize that my emotional state was irrational and my thoughts were distorted by it. My bleak outlook was unwarranted. The troubling part is this whole thing puts all of my work at risk. In this state I am more likely to make impulsive decisions that I will regret, to neglect the foresight I need to continue in the right direction. Its astounding how drastic the difference is: one day I am motivated, my priorities are in order, I'm focused at work, I recognize that acting out is detrimental to my life and goals and it doesn't even feel like a possibility. Three days later I doubt the likelihood of my success, I feel like I'm being foolish to think that I can become healthy or that I will rebuild a satisfactory relationship with my wife, my ambition at work is diminished, I am distracted and listless. A few days later I am motivated again and glad I didn't do anything stupid.

I am trying to figure out where this comes from, what causes it, as well as find a way to reinforce my defenses for when I am in this state to ensure I don't slip.

Has anyone else experienced something similar?


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 Post subject: Re: Help with motivation
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2018 10:17 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 361
Hi Wolf,

I agree with the comments of others on this thread. In terms of what causes you being OK and confident one week and then apprehensive and unready the next, I would suggest that it is one of two things. Firstly, the whole workshop is about life management and making values based rather than emotions based decisions. The problem with the latter is that we are exposed to the prevailing wind and changes of emotions that this brings to us, perhaps one week we are generally feeling good so then there's no problem, the next perhaps we get some stress at work, argue with the wife about something or even we are just bored (i.e. no emotion but this still has an emotional effect on us). The instincts of an addict who is dealing with an emotional situation (stress, anger, boredom, whatever) is to act compulsively in order to make ourselves feel better. If we are able to move away from emotions based decisions and instead make decisions based on our values then we won't get drawn into compulsive behaviour. That's easy to say but takes some effort on your part to achieve and it relies on you completely buying into and fully committing yourself to your values, there are no half measures.

The second possibility is that was mentioned to me recently by another member who pointed out that addicts like to have a safety net and don't really want to let fully go of the addiction. They have bits of it that they like to hang on to in order to still get their mini shots of emotion from time to time or perhaps know that they have something appealing to turn to if things don't work out. That is a dangerous game to play.

In answer to your question, I can say that I have been struggling with this whole thing recently and it was recommended to me to go through the workshop again. Part of me winced at the thought of that but the other part of me immediately knew that it was what I needed. I don't know what stage you are at in the workshop but if you are all/most of the way through and have these feelings then perhaps you have missed something along the way. I can tell you that I have been amazed at how much stuff I missed the first time around particularly in the opening lessons which lay the foundations for the rest of the lessons. You need to be honest with yourself and decide whether either or even both of the points I make above resonate with you. If they do then you will find that it is a time bomb waiting to go off. By asking the question you perhaps know the answer yourself already and still have time to defuse the bomb.

Good luck with the deliberation and I hope you make the right decision for you.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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 Post subject: Re: Help with motivation
PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2018 2:07 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 96
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
I've had a period of complacency and during that I felt low.
I put it down to an identity crisis. Cutting out acting out but not fully replacing that source of emotional relief with a fully balanced healthy life.
I too have been thinking about repeating RN and can see the value this might bring. When I started the concept of a value of of a boundary were new to me. Such a lack of adult thinking.
Once you get through it, you start to see how the jigsaw pieces fit and see the purpose of some of those odd lessons.

If you're not done it. Do it.
If you're doing it. Keep doing it.
If you've already done it. Do it again.


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