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 Post subject: Total honesty
PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2017 4:20 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 96
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
I've been doing some serious thinking the last few days. Triggered by a breakdown in recovery progress with the wife. We, well she, had been making great strides and effort with our recovery and I was accepting it and growing complacent. Loss of focus. Lots of life getting in the way. RN and recovery work is hard mental work and nice things were happening so I think I just slipped into my old emotional based mindset.
Ultimately​ the issue was not me acting out, still no sign of that, but one of total honesty. I'm really struggling to nail this. The wife wants to know every little detail, every past thought and action. I thought I'd got there and had a good clear out and the slate was clean. Only I then remember something which should be shared which I'm reluctant to. Now all of a sudden I am unable to claim to be being totally honest. Not by lying or deflection of the truth but by omitting information. This then affects... well everything. I'm then not as open as I should be with sharing on going thoughts. Total honesty is on or off. It's a boundary issue. The wife needs this information for her healing (her recovery/safety boundary) and I still​ want to hide from the past (Total honesty boundary set too high). I've been a sex addict for a long time there is a lot of past. I cannot possibly recall every time I acted out or every sexual thought I've had. I need for the boundary to be set to filter out the low level stuff. The wife does need to know who I was, what type of addict I was and how deep the problem was ingrained. Is holding anything back me wanting to get off the hook, to avoid my accountability, or wanting some form of closure so that there is not this open wound in our relationship. There are two lessons moved from from the recovery workshop into the couple's workshop. I read them when originally struggling with disclosure and I have read them again. Valuable lessons for all going though recovery and something needed early. Perhaps these should be in both workshops.
What I realised was that I have to make a decision and I'm doing this based on emotions (fear, selfishness,shame anxiety) and not the values that I've thought through in earlier lessons.


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 Post subject: Re: Total honesty
PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 7:22 am 
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Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2008 3:55 pm
Posts: 1209
Good, strong observation. Now you just need to build the courage to follow through on what you know is right. I personally set up a weekly meeting, still in use, to discuss things, where I am in control of the agenda, though my wife can interject and take over if she needs to. Maybe try some sort of regular meeting where you need to discuss one thing, one incident, or one thing you thought. Maybe after a while, the fear of approaching your wife will diminish. Then the lies of omission will no longer be omitted, and you will find a new level of sharing and honesty.


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 Post subject: Re: Total honesty
PostPosted: Sat Apr 29, 2017 6:09 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
I can relate to the challenges of being totally honest and open about yourself, and that has been my biggest issue throughout my addiction and efforts towards recovery. I have been a master at deceiving myself and rationalizing about what I am doing in my head. My negative coping behaviors are the subtle types (scanning, objectifying) and I have been too quick to dismiss the experiences as not consequential. I am reinforcing to myself right now that every unwanted coping behavior can/should be shared honestly/openly with the person you can confide in. I am blessed that my wife is willing to be my confidant. I know it devastates her when I project where I am at with my recovery as "I have this problem under control." Baloney. I still do these negative coping behaviors and I need to acknowledge them and separate them from me. Every where I look now I see messaging that truth/honesty is the only path to recovery. I am surrendering to God since he already knows the truth.


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 Post subject: Re: Total honesty
PostPosted: Tue May 02, 2017 11:39 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 96
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Thanks for replying.
The revelation loop needs to stop. This hurts the wife, knocks back her recovery and it is really not doing my cause any favours too. It destroys the little bit of trust that was built.
To say something new that's hurtful​ and may be the last straw needs the courage to accept you may have just ended the relationship. Luckily, I've run out of past material (that I've remembered thus far).
Going forward is less of a problem as far as honesty is concerned. I'm planning to not do anything worthy of deceit and understand the need not to hold anything back.
But there is more to it than that.
I need to start to communicate openly. Good things, nice things, loving things as well as the bad.
It may well be the communication rather than the content that I'm having issues with.
This is where my shame comes in. I have hurt the woman that I love. Forced her to suffer for no fault of her own. She has mental images of my acting out. It's rather presumptuous of me to think she would want intimate conversation but I think the truth is that she is crying out for exactly that.
Worse still I have never, or not for decades, communicated with the sort richness and warmth that is necessary.
I need to get my head around this. Think of my values. Remind myself of the love I have for my wife and start talking.


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 Post subject: Re: Total honesty
PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2020 9:55 am 
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Joined: Sat Feb 17, 2018 11:00 pm
Posts: 26
Hello Comrade,
Part of what you have written has reminded me of my own struggle and part of what led to my last downfall.
Quote:
Going forward is less of a problem as far as honesty is concerned. I'm planning to not do anything worthy of deceit

I have set out with this goal many times and it has not worked for me. I think that by saying this to myself I am setting myself up for failure. I was not prepared to come clean when I did eventually, inevitably have issues that needed to be discussed. I'm sure this is not your intent but I think it is important to be aware of how we talk to ourselves. Due to my own inner dialogue, I was laying the groundwork to be in denial before I had anything to deny.

My plan now is, instead, to anticipate the day when this happens and to prepare myself now. I don't know I hope this helps, I hope you gain some insight from this.¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Good luck,
Wolf.


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