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 Post subject: S. Journal
PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2017 10:45 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jul 06, 2017 5:52 pm
Posts: 7
Day one.
I decided to do this as a "one last go" with my husbands addiction before calling it quits. I found out September of last year, however it wasn't the first time anything had happened. There was the porn, the sneaking on my phone while I was asleep, masturbating at work, craigslist ads, texting women at work, sleeping with an ex a week after we started talking in 2012. From the start it has been up and down, and sometimes I question why I stayed. Somewhere, I believed he was a decent person, and I still do. He tries, he loves my girls, he WANTS to do good, to be good. I am giving him this one shot. He wants to do well for himself, not for me.
He told me he had a "crush" on someone on his route. Turns out, he was sexualizing, objectifying, lusting, fantasizing, wanting, oogling, you name it, every woman on earth pretty much. Masturbating at work, wondering what everything with a vagina thought of him, picturing every college girl in the complex he worked at naked. I felt like I was going to die when he told me. I had blocked porn, so what did he do? Used youtube and PINTEREST? Who finds gif files on pinterest to masturbate to? Since then he tried SMART recovery (didn't work because he relapsed/quit). He went to a few meetings (too religious) SO, here we are. I'm doing my part to heal because in all honesty, I need it with or without him. So here we are. Day 1.


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 Post subject: Re: S. Journal
PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2017 10:46 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jul 06, 2017 5:52 pm
Posts: 7
Day 2. (I've had these in a notepad saved, so I am copy/pasting to have them on here as well as my account JUST got approved for the forum)


What type of life I want to live from this point forward. I have spent a year focusing on addiction. Micro managing. Learning. Reading. Trying to ensure nothing happens. Worrying myself sick. I have missed out on a lot of little things. Moments. Events. Memories. I want to be present. I want to spend more quality time with my children. Enjoy daily events and outings. I want to enjoy movies without the worry that my husband is failing. I want to go to a new state or city I have never been to and not worry that he is staring or having fantasies about other women. I see myself staying in this house and getting healthier. Not for getting skinny but for the first time in my entire life, for being healthy. I want to learn how to save money. I want to pay my bills on time. I want to spend more time with my parents and forgive people more easily.


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 Post subject: Re: S. Journal
PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2017 10:51 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jul 06, 2017 5:52 pm
Posts: 7
Day 3: Gut feelings.

I have had so many. Mainly surrounding work and the phone and 99.9%, I have been right. He would claim he was not doing anything on his phone or having any issues at work, and obviously he was. He was using pinterest to masturbate (GIF files), or youtube (finding strip videos). He was obsessing, crushing, becoming attached to strangers at work (he is a mailman) who don't even know him. Making up false scenarios in his head about what his life could be like single, or without me. Picking me apart, how I was ugly, not good enough, fat, wrinkly, too old, not adventurous enough, boring, double chin (yes, seriously), fat knees), boring in bed).
I felt in my gut he wasn't into sex. That he was thinking of other women. He was. I felt in my gut at work he was having feelings towards other women, he was (a MAJOR issue with a woman who was an office manager at a leasing office where he delivers). Every day I'd ask "How'd today go" and he would say "fine" I knew he was lying.

As far as recovery goes, I feel like I have PTSD. I feel like every day is a failure almost. I feel like when we go out, I almost pick women out who I know or feel like he would stereotype, or sexualize and do it for him in my head and then accuse him of doing it because I automatically feel like he would anyways. I knew when he was backsliding, when he was failing because he made excuses to not do his meetings anymore, read his books, log onto his old site, he was snappy with me, frustrated, broke his phones (again, seriously about 25), mean to the kids). I hope it changes.


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 Post subject: Re: S. Journal
PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2017 10:56 pm 
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Posts: 7
Day 4: Life after addiction

It's almost like I can't imagine him without a problem, but I can. When we met, to me he was perfect. I want to still see him in that light, but right now, I feel like that image is forever broken. What do I feel like will be there when the addiction is removed?
What values? I feel like he genuinely wants to be a good person somewhere in his being. I feel like he wants to be something more than an addict. More than what his dad was. I feel like he wants to succeed. I feel like he wants hobbies he enjoys. I feel like he wants to be a good parent. I feel like he wants morals. I wish I could say now he wants to be a good husband but I can't because honestly, he goes so back and forth right now.

What do I feel like will continue to pose obstacles in our relationship? His temper. His ability to go from 0 to 100 in 0.1 seconds. The breaking of phones, or name calling. The wishy washy ness towards me. (I hope I am wrong. I don't feel wrong). Right now, I feel like other women will always be an issue, or an "urge".


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 Post subject: Re: S. Journal
PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2017 11:02 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jul 06, 2017 5:52 pm
Posts: 7
Day 5: Understanding Your Partner's Addiction

A) I manage stress in various ways. First, I am bi-polar. Sometimes I handle it better than others. Sometimes simply breathing helps, sometimes I drive away thinking I want to die. (not the best idea). Journaling helps me, baths help, crying helps. What makes me irrational? This relationship. That sounds insanely unhealthy I know. Feeling so unwanted, unsafe, lied to, angry, frustrated, jealous, betrayed, hurt. All of those rolled into one. It makes me irrational.

B) A compulsive behavior I've engaged in would likely be driving off attempting or saying I'm going to kill myself (not my finest moment). I get black out mad. I can't see straight. I don't focus on what is fair, right, wrong, logical. I drive, I figure "this will get their attention and they will think logically" which obviously, does not work for either of us and only escalates the situation 100 fold. My anxiety at that point isn't even readable. Everything is off of the charts. Everything is exaggerated, I can't breathe, see straight, it's a fog. These are moments of pure mania.

C) I honestly don't know. I don't know how to answer this. Maybe think logically, think the scenario fully through. See people for people. I feel like this question I fail at.


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 Post subject: Re: S. Journal
PostPosted: Thu Jul 20, 2017 11:34 am 
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Joined: Thu Jul 06, 2017 5:52 pm
Posts: 7
Day 6:

I read the entire story of "He Danced Alone". I felt sick. I read his words and wondered the whole time, if my husband thought this way about other women and felt sick. Somehow, during the five years we've been together, I over looked a lot of things. I didn't notice him looking at other women. Scanning when we were out. I didn't know he was masturbating when we had company over in the bathroom while we were all downstairs, or distracted by fantasy while we were on the phone. Judging me while we were out. Thinking of other women while we were having sex. I feel like I still can't process it all. It's been a long time since D Day for us, almost a year. I still go over the details and want to throw up.

Of the four areas discussed, He has many issues with most. His mind is sexualized. He hears words and somehow twists them. "crotch rocket" turns into imagery of rockets shooting inside of vaginas. Who does this. It makes me irate. I can't sympathize with him because I am so angry. I can't help but feel like he is stupid and immature and then I question if this is even what I want. Don't I deserve a real husband? With real values and who is able to deal with real life normally?
He also objectifies people. By their outfits, the way the walk, their hair, who they are walking with, their laugh, and so on. Where he delivers mail, some of it was a college community. Somehow, that equals slutty girls asking for it. Doesn't matter how. Or who. Eyeliner, or lipgloss can mean whore.
His entire life is immediate gratification, which is why the first 2093802398 rounds of recovery in other programs failed. He wanted to get better and NOW. Doesn't work that way. He wants a better marriage, now. He wants to be in shape, now. He wants to save money, have a better house, job, clothes, things, travel, experiences right NOW. Life isn't now. He still doesn't grasp that. And as for the "all or nothing", he has done this too. "well we can't have this so we may as well not do it at all". Ok, I chalk it up to him being a crybaby. He's done it with our relationship, sex, his job, friends, travel, money. Seeing all of his issues on paper makes me question why I stay. I know he is trying, but how many tries does one get? Sickness and health? What about pervert and health? That wasn't in my vows. I can't see this as "sickness". How can I?
I see him trying. I see small changes I've never seen before but there is no trust on my end any of this is permanent.


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