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PostPosted: Wed Jul 19, 2017 2:09 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 146
36(cntd)

I now see how unstable his upbringing was, living in grandparents house,before moving. both parents working, father alcoholic and mother seemingly disinterested. I met him when 17, and feel he was already addicted, he told me he hadn't had a gf before, etc. During this time his parents were rowing,and his father was drinking more,times he spent round mine due to rows at home. At this time while I thought he was shy, I realise he had no social skills. He had no sexual desire for me, so I assume porn and fantasy was already in control, I can see he used this as escape from the troubled family life, there was a lot of anger underneath which I saw as the odd outburst, but didn't understand.
It accounted for the need to control, and the haste to move out and get our place.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 3:08 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 146
I am still on this journey, I am monitoring myself and feel I have achieved so much.
I am still working, and have completed a qualification which I didn't think I ever would. I still need to find work away from my husband though, at present I am time restricted with problems regarding my daughters education,and caring for my mum. I have done voluntary,and am finding my creative self again.
I find now I am not consumed by thoughts of my husband when not with him.
I still ruminate,but I no longer get sucked into overwhelming emotions,
It has been such a relief to understand why I feel as I do, I have done a lot of work regarding finding myself and my issues, realising and understanding I have attachment anxiety, trauma bonding, possibly love,relationship addiction. These issues stem from events in my childhood which at long last I have tapped into, instead of being obsessed with thoughts of my husband and trying to fix him to gain my validation. The turning point came when I told him I was obsessed with him..i found myself becoming frantic and unable to think about anything else..i knew this was not normal, and it overwhelmed me whenever husband treated me badly,or upset me,or i discovered something bad. I realise I may have trauma bonding, the symptoms and what has been happening over decades fits the signs. It is a relief knowing that there is a reason I became totally frantic in my feelings, learning not to keep turning go fantasy and continued denial.
A huge weight off me, letting go has been hard, but knowing why I feel as I do has helped enormously.
Ie, my need for my husband and obsessive thoughts ,ach in heart, need to be with him, which I took as deep love..tend to come on when I start feeling abandoned, unloved,rejected..its as I need comfort from things and I start feeling lonely and then start fantasising about having a true love and needing to sacrifice myself to it..delusional.

I can snap out of it at once now. I am also creating boundaries, something I realise I never had..ever, looking back I have been quite dysfunctional, I never met these things head on, but now I see..and I forgive myself instead of shaming myself..i was a child..even when I left home to live with my first older boyfriend...then when I met my husband..i was seventeen, younger than my youngest daughter is now..what did I know, plus I already been damaged, though it never clicked till I started looking to he's and find myself.


Last edited by jenny56 on Fri Oct 13, 2017 2:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 4:55 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 146
Ex forty
I need to work through w, as I have come to learn I have had sexual ,relationship,love issues since childhood.
The patterns I now realise could be addiction, I don't wish to write my own story,but its hard to write fictionally when I see clearly how I changed and started fantasising about romance and sex.
I actually can see I could become a sex addict if I hadn't married, I had no boundaries..i couldn't say no, even to men I wasn't attracted to..i never proved this together until counselling, my whole life I have detracted from myself by obsessing about one male or another.

I will endeavour to write this,though it may be too uncomfortable for me.


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 19, 2017 11:58 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 146
I realise my reactions to seemingly small things are a communication of everything that has happened,of all the feelings of bring passed over,not seen
Yesterday at work,my husband livingly walked past me,with a plate of chips,I watched him out dakt on them and then watched him take them up to a young woman who we have worked with,as she had come in to do reception..he hadn't been so considerate all the while I have been there..
I couldn't understand the rage in me, so much I marched up and said hoe he hadn't git ne any..
Sad, and ott..but I realised all the feelings of jealousy came back,it was as all those occasions of him giving his attention and lust to seemingly every woman,cd,trans, and denied me were personified in the action of carrying that plate of chips up the corridor to a woman, while I got none..
Sad, but how simple things seem to trigger all that pain.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2018 5:58 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 146
Forty one

Grieving,
I have been letting myself mourn the lack of a true intimacy for all my marriage,
I have found I am not angry, but I feel a huge sense of loss.
This has been compounded since my mum is now in a care home after falling , we had tried so hard to keep looking after her in her house.
We are at present clearing the house as we need to sell it to pay care fees. This has meant finding stuff we never knew mum and dad had, and saddens me not only for them,but thinking how different my marriage has been, pointedly lacking in the little things that mum and dad sent each other, I suppose seeing their strong relationship over the years looking at tokens of live,cards..makes it more obvious my marriage has always been lacking.
I am taking time alone up mum's house to grieve not only for their lives,but mine.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2018 5:58 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 146
Forty one

Grieving,
I have been letting myself mourn the lack of a true intimacy for all my marriage,
I have found I am not angry, but I feel a huge sense of loss.
This has been compounded since my mum is now in a care home after falling , we had tried so hard to keep looking after her in her house.
We are at present clearing the house as we need to sell it to pay care fees. This has meant finding stuff we never knew mum and dad had, and saddens me not only for them,but thinking how different my marriage has been, pointedly lacking in the little things that mum and dad sent each other, I suppose seeing their strong relationship over the years looking at tokens of live,cards..makes it more obvious my marriage has always been lacking.
I am taking time alone up mum's house to grieve not only for their lives,but mine.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2018 5:56 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 146
Ex 42


Hard answering these. My husband has told me from the beginning I was his first girl friend, over the years I have come to believe there have been women he fantasised over. One girl was a partner of a friend. I faintly recall he once told me when we were newly dati g ge had visited her, adding that her partner, our friend hadn't been there..
So using her as the example.
I honestly feel I would have no control over whether he went or not, if he has told me I may query if I could go too.. If not I think I would say it was entirely up to him, and give her my love.
I would ask afterwards about how it went, and expect him to tell me how she was and what she is doing etc these days.

If I returned home suspecting he had been looking at porn, sadly I don't think I would say anything, possibly if I felt sure, I would bring it up in a jokey way, but having been in this situation recently, I know I gave issues, in fact the other week I found tights in his drawer, by accident look g for something on his instruction. I noted it, and looked again a day or so later and found they had been "utilised"
My response was to fill them with glitter and leave them in situ.. Wishing I had filled them when first found.
Sadly, I am finding it hard to openly confront him on the maturation issue.
On lying where he has been, I would mention why I was unsure of his answer, i do find I need hard proof to get any small kind of admission. Otherwise I would just note down the incident, and anything he said. In case he tripped himself up later

On being rejected, I have a block on making any advance to my husband, I will respond to him, and reach out, but sexually I feel triggered. I am so used to the rejection. As I detach and view things I feel that my husband seems to like to tease, he will start, but then suddenly withdraw. I used to think this was his fear of rejection, but as I have never rejected his advances I find it odd.
I recall it has always been the same, the cuddle, the touches, then the "good night" or complete withdrawal.
I also am terribly triggered still as he never opens his eyes, and never says a word, having in the past read his chats where he told others he was imagining them.. I just feel he isn't with me in the moment, and I physically cannot make that advance when I feel he is not thinking about me, or even present,
I have become aware that for many years I was trying to get validation from intimacy, lookin g for connection, knowing there never was any, and still there is none.. And it dawning on me that as many times as we did have sex.. I felt empty and u fulfilled after.. It doesn't encourage me to make advances very often
The question about affairs.. I have never been told much. No disclosures, only drip disclosures after I gave unearthed something.. And the statement about five or six infactuations after last d day, I think possibly the thinkibg was to say it was nothing special.. But it has made me want to know who.. When how.. I think just to confirm times when my gut was saying something was up,
I wish I could ask, but Tbh he would not be truthful, so I feel I wouldn't ask, I am not sure I would feel better.. Though part of want g to be able to ask and to get full dis leisure would let me see that trust on both sides had a cha ce, and that he was able to talk to me. Part of not kn owing is feeling set aside, outside,



e.. Of being truly intinate and a team.. Something I am reusing more and more.. We never were
These are things I can't see changing, as it needs him to make the effort. Sadly as time goes on I can see I am recovering, in a way to be able to be strong enough to do what is needed for me.
All I get from my husband is a need to press reset, I can feel his annoyance, and avoidance, wishing I would just forget and things can be as once they were... Meaning I was safely in the role I should be, and not making waves..


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