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PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2011 2:19 am 
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Joined: Wed Aug 24, 2011 2:51 am
Posts: 2
In this relationship for over 18 years.
I first knew the problems we were dealing with was do to his sexual addiction about 7 or 8 years ago.
I was a relieved when I saw it in print. Sexual compulsive disorder.
If it has name it can be fixed, right? I was so excited i couldn't wait to show it to him. He wasn't thrilled. He refused to read it or listen to me read it.
A few years passed and i saw the sex addicts 12 step program and the program for anons.
I was sad life was passing me by I was crying every morning I fantasized about death. I had no one to talk to. The addiction had made me isolated. It gave me hope a group for partners, But after a few months of research I finally discovered there were no meetings in my area.
I discovered his porn collection years ago. I didn't know the extent of the lies, manipulations, ulterior motives, cover up always infatuation with someone from his work. lusting after my daughter in laws calling me other women s names in bed, blah blah blah.
I am at the point were I find myself wishing he was dead. I know how terrible that sounds and is.but I am being totally honest. I can't do the simplest task because I have so much hatred in my heart. it used to be sadness, fear, lowest self esteem. I can't go in public without feeling like an old ugly monster. The worst thing lately is after 18 years we are still having the same arguments. He is still minimizing. denial of the effects this has had on his family. I am 50 years old. I want to be able to smile at least twice in a month. I want to let go of all that indescribably pain, betrayal, fear, that anchors me to this hell that i can not change. I need freedom from this addiction that is not mine.

This is my 1st post. I didn't read the rules before I wrote it. I need you to know I wouldn't in danger his life or mine. I have 5 sons and 4 grand babies. I would NEVER cause that kind of pain in their lives by hurting either one of their parents/grand parents. Sorry to be so grim in my reference of death.
I am stumbling through this program but I am devoted and determined to have a better life then the one that has been leading me no where healthy.if anyone can give me tips on doing this program properly I am open to any suggestions, thank you

SysTech Edit: Modified Title prior to moving thread.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 22, 2011 2:31 pm 
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Joined: Wed Aug 24, 2011 2:51 am
Posts: 2
Thank you for understanding and your faith. I know your pain. We are so lucky to have RN at our finger tips . I believe you and I will be healthy and happy. The saying is coming to mind " if you are going through hell, keep going don't take up make residence " ok that's not exactly how it goes, but you know what I mean.
Thank you again for your support! so fresh in recovery and already you are able to give that part of yourself empathy.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 10:36 am 
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Joined: Wed Aug 24, 2011 11:14 am
Posts: 68
I need to apologize to you Turtle without. I didn't realize what a 'personal healing thread' was, nor that I was not supposed to post to it. :s: I apologize and hope it did not take away anything from your process.

I felt I totally understood your struggle, and just wanted you to know you are not alone. Then my anger came through a little, lending strength to my determination to GET BETTER, and I wanted to share that with you. I think I am at a turning point the past few days, changing from hurt and despair (feeling he was in control) - to feeling my anger a bit and letting it drive me to take charge and head my life in a direction I choose from truth and clarity (getting me back in the drivers seat - I LIKE IT!~).

Anyway, please forgive my intrusion on YOUR space. I wish you peace and understanding. P


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