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 Post subject: Elsie's Healing Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2012 3:49 pm 

Joined: Fri Mar 16, 2012 11:52 pm
Posts: 4
Living with an acknowledged SA for 4 years now. His addiction began years before, of course, his acting out started around 1990, ~10 years into or (now) 32+ years of marriage. He hid these tendencies well in the first 10 years, hid his acting out VERY well for the next 20.

He's have 3 affairs that I know of 2 physical. Those were at least 2 years in duration, all with much younger women, both had serial sex partners. I got an STD from the second because he didn't bother with protection. Because of his lies, I wound up having painful surgery due to the STD instead of just antibiotics. My doctor (and I) weren't aware that an STD could even be the cause of my symptoms.

He was impotent with me, disinterested in me, angry and abusive toward me and told me my body disgusted him. I was in very good physical shape at the time, and have never been more than 5-8 lbs over weight. He told me that he didn't love me and didn't want to be married to me anymore. He changed his mind when I began to look for a place to live. His abuse/abject apology cycle continued for all these years. He also had a porn addiction and spent ~100,000 on strippers in the 20 or so years that I suspect this went on. That's only a guess, as $600 a month was regularly unaccounted for, and later when he inherited money, it was more like $2000 a month.

He lost at least 2 jobs as a direct result of this behavior. His resentment of me because my career has been strong ans steady is obvious. He resents many other things about me. I am organized, I am respected and recognized in my community. And he resents me for spoiling his fun with his chickies.

We have two adult sons. I was the primary caretaker, guide, disciplinarian, homework helper, sex educator, etc. If there was ever an issue with them, and I would share it with him when he came home, he would berate me for bothering him as he walked in the door. "Couldn't this wait?" "I just got home" "I'm tired!" Of course, I didn't have the luxury of stopping at a sex club to have a few drinks and some hooker to fawn all over me before I got into the car before I headed straight from work to come home to parent. And he would regularly undermine my authority with son#2 who was very good at playing that game.

Son #1 knew exactly what was going on. At one point he confronted WH. Who denied. Told him, "my only regret is that you are my father." WH was livid. How DARE he speak to him that way!

Fortunately I was able to shield and/or deflect some of the damage. Son#1 is dealing with serious alcohol problems but seems to be getting on the right track with meetings, therapy and a strong desire to be healthy. Son#2 is also well, working through his issues and living independently. I pray a lot that neither will treat their wives/girlfriends the way I have been treated.

So often, the residual pain of this is so strong I just don't want to live. But I know I'd damage my poor sons. They lived with a drive by father. They don't need a cowardly mother.

While WH is working his program he only does the part that doesn't require him to face the damage he caused to me, us, his family. Crap! If I had done the things to him he did to me, and wanted to make it up to him, I'd be all over it! There wouldn't be ANYTHING I wouldn't do to try to make him feel better EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY! But as soon as it gets hard, or requires him to think, or find a f-ing pencil, he plays dumb.

I will never be the same. I am permanently damaged. But he could help me heal. But he hides behind this phrase that he adopted "I can't make you happy" Why the hell not! You certainly made me unhappy!

Edit Systech: Updated Thread Title prior to move & merge

 Post subject: my vision
PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2012 5:52 pm 

Joined: Fri Mar 16, 2012 11:52 pm
Posts: 4
My Vision
I would like to be the old me. I was optimistic. I was happy to be alive. I was excited about sunny days. I found a value to be in my own skin and feel the sun on my skin in the spring in my car. I got excited about gardens, about birds singing, about new bird alerts. I looked forward to meals on the deck. Sleeping with the window open so I could hear the birds.

I liked people. People liked me. They think I am kind, caring and loving. The truth is I think people suck. I would live in a cave with no windows or doors and just go to sleep forever.

PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 2:04 pm 
System Technician

Joined: Tue Sep 20, 2011 1:25 pm
Posts: 88
Elsie - I've gathered your two Healing Posts together and moved them here to the place where you'll get appropriate support.

I think Elsie's postings above should be read in conjuction with the work she's starting on the Couple's side - here.


PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 5:28 pm 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2008 12:10 pm
Posts: 422
Hi Elsie,

Welcome to RN ... I can hear in your posts how very much you need a lot of what we have to offer. I am so terribly angry for your pain and your anger. Doing the lessons in the partners work shop will help you develop a stronger sense of self, in terms of your values and your boundaries. My sense is that your level of frustration is (understandably) so high right now, that you may benefit more from focusing right now on the partner's workshop than the couples workshop. Although you may be hoping to count on your husband's healthy participation in the couples workshop, I do not sense that you are both ready for that, yet. Is he doing the Recovery workshop?

I will check back, to see how you are doing.


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