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PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 10:49 am 

Joined: Tue Apr 17, 2012 4:47 am
Posts: 2

It's my first post.
My partner and I truly and dearly love each other.
Initially I discovered he used porn before our relationship became official. His computer kicked-up and following some internet guidelines I had to go into web history where I discovered records of porn sites. I was disgusted, but didn't put too much emphasis on it as I wasn't familiar with how addictive porn was, besides I thought that all single fellas used pornographic images for one reason or another. Then he and I started together officially, and moved in together. I had forgotten all about his porn use. Until our first Xmas together... I found him looking at porn while I was cooking Xmas dinner. Initially I felt hurt, confused, angry, resentful, etc. towards him. We had a chat, he tried to convince me that all men looked at porn, etc. I told myself I was over-reacting, I thought I'd get over it, that it wasn't a big deal, tried to minimize and bury all hurtful emotions that his actions had caused, I made myself forget about the whole experience.
And then a couple of weeks later I came across his use of porn again. I felt devastated even though he didn't promise to stop using porn the last time. We had an argument and he promised he'd stop using it, as he seemed to realize how bad it made me feel, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that his use didn't affect me.
Another while later he was back on porn sites again! At this stage we were over a year into our relationship, and I was becoming less and less tolerant of porn in my relationship with himself. I had been doing a lot of personal growth since I met him and at this stage I felt I was becoming stronger and had more self-respect than ever. I felt much less patient towards his excuses, blame and attacks as to why he was on the sites he was, or the reasons as to why he was looking at pornographic images, besides anything else they sounded pure silly and unbelievable, especially me knowing him better than at the start. I was ready to explode with frustration when I told him what I had found. I had to physically leave the place so that I didn't start screaming at him in front of the kids. He reluctantly admitted he was addicted to porn, and then started seriously thinking about it. So after an argument and reconciliation, he tried to battle his porn addiction on will-power alone. I thought to myself "this plane is so going to crash", but I couldn't say it to him, after all it was HIS part of the journey.
I absolutely hate to admit that I was right (well at least I stopped denying my real thoughts and feelings). Three months later he was back on internet porn after admitting he was an addict. When I brought it up, I was shocked to hear him trying the same old tested (which had failed miserably in the past) reasons as to why he was looking at porn. I couldn't believe my ears! Did he really think I was that stupid?! At this stage I was ready to explode, but I kept it as calm as humanly possible, that is not to say that we didn't argue. I was absolutely furious, I was ready to tell him to pack his stuff if it wasn't for the kids, I admitted that much to myself. I just couldn't live with the hurt my soulmate's actions caused. I never threatened to leave him, but I felt it in my heart, and he, being a very powerful empath, picked it up, and when he asked me what the story with our relationship was, I told him the painful truth.
That last episode happened a week ago. He seems to seriously consider what porn does to our relationship and what it might do to the boys psyche should the behavior persist. I am so thankful I came across this website, I understand I have no power over his actions and in-actions, I can and need to help myself, and all I can do is understand and support him. He is an extremely nice person, and he wants a loving positive relationship, and we get on like house on fire and love each other to bits. He wants to work on the addiction together. I want to work on myself, because otherwise, knowing that I posses a caring, loving and forgiving personality, I would end up attempting to manage his addiction. Knowing I can have hardly any input at all into his recovery, I don't want to fall into a "savior" trap, I want to work on healing myself first and foremost, and then, please God, our relationship.
Only now do I fully admit to myself that he has an addiction. I keep consciously reminding this to myself, and I keep reminding myself that I equally as much need help too. I am shocked, uncertain about his recovery (I know I am in control of my healing), and hopeful about our relationship. I understand he needs my understanding and support in his recovery, and I do my best, I'm glad we started to talk about the addiction and mostly his feelings. Talking about my feelings, I don't know how or where to start expressing them to him... I know how important it is for him for me to be open to him. But there are so many mixed emotions, I don't know to what extent that openness is healthy, and when does it become damaging.
I just want us to be better as individuals and as a couple. I am led to believe he wants the same.


PostPosted: Thu May 03, 2012 9:12 pm 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:40 pm
Posts: 543
Dear Vita –
Welcome to RN. I understand how difficult this is, but know that you are in a wonderful place that will enable you to grow and also to heal.

I can have hardly any input at all into his recovery
I want to work on healing myself first and foremost

Both of these statements say that you are already on the right track. Your healing must be your priority, and you are right, his recovery is up to him. Great insight! :g:

The workshop is self-paced, but from time to time, mentors or coaches will check in on your healing thread and offer insights if they feel it is needed. Questions are best posted on the partner’s forum and there are many wise and loving women there that will offer you any support you may need.

Again, welcome. Stay strong and take care of YOU.

Sending you hugs –

"The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. And what is a grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion." - Eckhart Tolle A New Earth

PostPosted: Wed Apr 17, 2013 12:25 pm 
Partner's Coach

Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2012 6:19 pm
Posts: 452
I regret it took me so long since my last visit in May to put together my Personal Vision. Even though I feel it's been ages, I believe that everything happens at the perfect time.

So there it is, my very own Personal Vision:

I am a strong person. I rely on myself for my happiness. I love myself. I am proud of who I am, what I do, and what I have. I trust my judgement and the decisions and choices I make. I see people for what they are and not what they (try to) appear to be. I trust my awareness and I trust my judgements.
People in my life are true "what you see is what you get" no nonsense type of persons. I don't have to figure out any more riddles about people I allow into my life. My dearly loved ones are trustworthy people.
I am and feel whole.
I am and feel fulfilled.
I am and feel safe.
I am and feel loved.
I am and feel important.
I am a wonderful, trustworthy, honest and reliable parter. I am in an open, honest relationship. My partner and I love and respect each other and express it on regular basis. I feel safe and secure in my relationship with my partner. I love my partner and he loves me.
I am a good mum to my boys. I have fantastic, loving, open relationship with my boys. I love them and they love me.
I am a good sister. My sister and I are close, caring and understanding towards each other. I love my sister and she loves me.
I have lovely friends. They pop in for a cuppa and a chat just because they like me and I like them. I have regular, healthy contact with my friends. I love seeing my friends and they love seeing me.
I rely on myself to provide more than enough for myselft and my boys and live a financially comfortable and relaxed life. I manage my finances perfectly. I am wise in my financial life.
My hobby is also one of my sources of income. I love my work. I have perfect clients and I do perfect job for a perfect pay, I do perfect service in a perfect way.
My body is healthy. I love my body. I care for my body.
I love learning, and I love developing myself as a person. I love my increasing awareness. I love learning new things. I pick things up really quickly. I am an intelligent and wise person. I manage and balance my life perfectly.
My relationships, finance, professional life, body and development co-exist in perfect harmony in my life.



"You are the designer of your destiny. You are the author. You write the story. The pen is in your hand, and the outcome is whatever you choose." Lisa Nichols

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