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PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2015 11:57 pm 

Joined: Sun Feb 08, 2015 12:15 am
Posts: 2

I met my husband 9 years ago. He was 10 years older than me, I was 19 and he was 29. He is a computer tech and was/is always on the computer. I don't remember exactly how I found out he had a problem with porn but I do remember finding videos of porn and an ex girlfriend on his computer within the first year we were together. I let him know right away that I wasn't okay with it and he told me it wasn't a big deal and I was overreacting. It hurt, but we moved forward.

It's been about 8 years since my instinct told me something was wrong. I was sexually abused when I was a child for years and it wasn't until I started sleeping with my husband that it had ever affected my sex life. Another reason I should of known something was wrong, but I thought it was me. He seems like the perfect husband and father from the outside looking in. Everyone always tells me how lucky we are to be together, how they wish their husbands were like him, etc. He was very affectionate, made me believe he was always truthful, very loving and sexually pleasing. The entire thing was a lie though. He has been an addict for 20+ years. He doesn't know what love or intimacy is. He manipulates every chance he gets. He is a liar and cheater. He is my worst nightmare. He realized two years ago how bad it had gotten and told me he was stopping. I believed him then too. I've asked him around 40 times to stop and always showed him how badly it hurts me. He doesn't see the hurt, he didn't see why one affected the other.

27 days ago, I gave up. I told him I knew he was still doing it and I wasn't going to lecture him. He went to work, I'm sure not worried about our relationship, while I was at home looking up porn addiction and the effects it has on your partner and children. After reading a few articles, I knew I had to leave. I started looking for help on leaving and starting over. I was ready for my pain to be over and to save my children from him. He came home, still not knowing I was leaving, and talked to me about his addiction. I told him what I had read and he couldn't believe HE was the one who would cause damage to his children. He decided he was done. He started his reboot, got on forums, read 10+ books, really started facing his faith in God, started, got an accountability partner, told me everything he had ever done (and still telling me), etc. He is facing it now and he is emotional and unstable but he's trying. I'm still here, trying to heal while hearing every detail of his addiction. Every day something new hurts me, but I'm trying. I have faith he will continue to recover, but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. So here starts my healing.

PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2015 12:47 am 

Joined: Sun Feb 08, 2015 12:15 am
Posts: 2

I see myself getting back to my faith. I was raised in a very faith based home and I lost my faith along the way. I am a believer and I know God is walking with me through my pain and in Him, I can heal.

I see myself loving unconditional and no longer judging people. Everyone is struggling with their own battle, I am more compassionate and wanting to help instead of judge.

I see myself being a better friend. I neglect my friends, friends who deserve better. I am getting more involved in their lives and I am caring about what they are saying, not just curious but caring.

I see myself being an amazing mom. I love my children more than anything but I don't give them the time they need. I see me taking each one out alone and spending quality time doing something they love. I see them opening up more and teaching them how to handle things life throws at you in a healthy way.

I am forgiving my husband for his addiction and seeing that it is seperate from who he really is.

I see myself trying harder to have a intimate relationship with my husband without it being about sex. We are communicating more every day.

I am running, weight lifting, and eating healthy for myself and not my husband. Running makes me happier than anything else ever has. I stopped years ago and have been depressed since. Running clears my head and helps me be in control of my life, closer to myself, and closer to God.

I am no longer battling eating disorders and I see myself NEVER going back there. I have put my body through enough, it's time to heal it instead of hurting it.

I see myself forgiving myself for my reactions to my husband's addiction. I wasn't always loving, caring, or forgiving. I was angry all the time. I need to forgive myself and continue to react in a healthy way.

I see myself going back to school and getting my degree. I need to be able to provide a comfortable life for myself and my children, with or without my husband.

I see myself trusting again.

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