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PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2014 12:47 pm 
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6 weeks ago tonight my SO of 16 years informed me that he was addicted to internet porn. Never in a thousand years would I ever have thought those words would come out of his mouth. The world as I knew it crumbled around me. A few days earlier I had turned our tablet on to check my bank balance quick before I headed to work. There was a link to a site with pics of hot chicks and non porn videos jokes etc. He had been on this site the day before when I was out. I messaged him that I saw he had spent some time looking at these pics and it made me feel old and inadequate. I headed to work. He tried calling and messaging me several times. I ignored it all. I wanted to talk to him face to face. We had had some friends in that w/e and the guys had been talking about the girl of the day on this site so he checked it out. This was his explanation.
I made my feelings very clear to him. I'm 53. I will never look like that and if that's what he wants, there's the door. He assured me that I was what he wanted in his life. Not some pics on the internet. The next few days were awful. He was overly apologetic. My spidey senses were telling me there was more to it.
Here is a bit of history. He had just started a new job. Before this new job he had been working for about 1 1/2 yrs away from home-2 weeks away, 2 weeks home. The first time he left to go to work was hard on both of us. We had always been together running our own businesses etc. We had faith in us though and knew we would be fine. As time went on, he became more and more distant. The last several times he was home for his 2 weeks we often argued. He said he was under a lot of stress. His job was coming to an end and he didn't have anything else lined up. I assured him we would be fine. We've been through tough times before and it always works out, usually for the better. During these times, we hardly had sex. Often he couldn't get an erection even with oral stimulation. He hardly touched me. Kissing was a quick peck and a couple pats on the back. He would get angry if I tried to talk about it. Naturally I blamed myself. I lost 12 lbs. Tried to dress sexier. Planned date nights that didn't cost much or any $$. Made special dinners at home. Dealt with all of the bills so he didn't have to stress about them.
After my discovery on our tablet I continued to question him and started putting 2 and 2 together. We both agreed we needed to talk. He walked in the door from work, sat down in our living room, and told me while he was away working he watched porn several times a week. That he had often tried to stop because he knew it was wrong but he couldn't. Boom. We talked lots about it over the next few days/weeks. He said he was glad it was out. He had been wanting to stop for a long time and now that I know, he is confident we can do this together. He never wants to go back to that dark place. Yada yada yada.
Since then I have been all over the place emotionally. I feel as though I have been dropped in a dark pit and am slowly clawing my way out. I slip once in a while but I'm determined to get there. He says it started when he was a kid and found his Dad's magazines. That he was addicted long before he met me. That I'm taking it personally and I shouldn't because it has nothing to do with me. Every time he says this I feel like kicking him in the balls. He says he hasn't had any relapses but I'm pretty sure he's lying. As far as intimacy goes, we aren't fighting. We are talking. He doesn't like me to ask about it. Says he wants to forget about the past and focus on our future together and the positives of each day. Usually we just cuddle but we do have sex. Some times it's ok. Usually it's wham bam thank you ma'am. If I talk about sex, it never happens. Too much pressure. I like to leave the lights on and make him look at me so he knows it's me and not and image in his head. I doubt this makes much difference but it helps me.
I have told him I love him and I hope he can beat this addiction. That he is responsible for that. I can't control what he thinks or feels or does. I would go crazy trying. All I can do is offer support. I have to take care of me and get me to a place where I feel like I have value. If he can't overcome this addiction and continues to lie and hide it from me, I have to be strong enough to walk away. He broke down when I said this. That I keep him grounded. Without me he will never beat it. That the hardest part of all of this is knowing he hurt me. Oh he knows the words to say! I know the fear of me leaving will help motivate him but I don't know if it will be enough. He is very well liked in our community and has received several awards of recognition. I'm going to keep the threat of exposure and public humiliation in my back pocket. I hope I never have to use it.
Anyway, that's my story! This felt good. I'm excited to get started. I am going to ask him to go through the healing process himself on this site. My fingers are crossed that he will. Maybe one day we can go through the couples healing workshops together!


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2014 5:33 pm 
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I've been looking out over the valley thinking about me. Us. Who I was when we met and who I am now. Two distinct things come into my mind.
One was that he always said that the thing he loved the most about me was also the thing he hated...my independence. My ability to just do. To find a way to make things work out. A few months ago, before all of this happened, I remember saying to him that never in my life have I been so completely dependent on another person. How did I let this happen? The first thing I must do is regain my independence. I will continue to be compassionate about our circumstance but I will do it by considering my feelings and emotional health first. I will follow my dreams. I will do what makes me happy and yet consider his feelings in my choices. I will regain control over myself both emotionally and financially. I believe that by doing these things, by me becoming me again, I can help him to become the man that I know he can become. I believe I can understand this addiction and what it has done to us. I will struggle with forgiving the lies and deception but I will try to find a way to trust him again. I'm not sure if "we" will make it but I know that I will.
The second thing that kept popping up in my mind was something that my Grandma used to tell me. She said I can get through anything as long as I follow the prayer of serenity. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I haven't thought about this prayer for a long time but I'm going to hold onto it for dear life.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2014 11:42 am 
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A. When I think back there were so many times that my gut was telling me things weren't quite right. When we first started going out, some of his old gfs or girls he went to school with would call asking for help or advice or to events. When we showed up at these events or to help them out with something together, they were genuinely surprised that he brought me along and obviously disappointed. There were times when he headed out on his own to help them out. He was always gone longer than he expected to be and often he said that once he arrived to help them out, they weren't even there so he just looked at or fixed what they had asked him about and came home. They never called him again, even to thank him or offer to pay for the work he did. It seemed strange.
We have always been very actively involved in our community. Several times there have been girls from one committee or another call him wanting to meet for coffee or lunch to brainstorm. He often met with them. When he came back he was all euphoric and weird. I would finally tell him that meeting with them made me uncomfortable and he stopped (I think). After this when they called him he would hand me the phone and I would politely take a message. I don't know if he ever called them back. Eventually they stopped calling. There were also many, many times when I was at work and he was in the office. He was supposed to bring me lunch or do some errands for me. Eventually I would call him to see where he was. He would say he was busy and lost track of time. When he did show up he was all weird and hyper and overly nice. He has told me there were times that he would PM at the office. For all I know these girls were meeting him there.
B. I guess that several of these situations I allowed my head to overrule my gut. I trusted him to not hurt me. I needed to believe that he was telling the truth.
C. I think I have a good handle on my gut feelings now. I called him out the other day when he was using "that" voice. His answer and demeanor immediately changed. I know his euphoric mood. Overly big smile. No eye contact. Avoiding me for a while. He has recently registered for RN and done some reading but I don't know if he has done any lessons yet. Time will tell I guess.


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 Post subject: lesson 4: Who is he?
PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2014 12:06 pm 
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This has been the easiest lesson so far. I think the reason the news of this addiction crushed me so badly is because I honestly felt as though I knew this man. I have been by his side through so much, good and bad.
A. These are some of his qualities that make him, him:
He is a very proud man.
He takes good care of his environment and works hard towards his goals, both personally and within our community.
He is compassionate, caring, helpful and kind.
He is able to show affection, even in public. (kiss, hold hands, hug, etc)
He is energetic and imaginative.
He is always looking toward the future and making new goals, not just for him but for us as a couple.
He enjoys being with our family and friends and they all love him.
He has a very positive outlook on life.

B. The things that I think will impede his progress are:
His pride/ego. It was very hard for him to tell me and he will have trouble facing the truth of the situation he has created.
He has trouble expressing his feelings and holds things inside.
He is embarrassed by sensitivity.
He doesn't like to ask for help.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2014 6:42 pm 
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lesson 5. anxiety and compulsive behavior
A. There have been several times in my life when I have been completely emotionally overwhelmed. When my dad died suddenly. My first husband was unfaithful. My daughter had an unplanned pregnancy. This. The common thread re my reaction to the stress. ..at first I kind of go numb. Shut down. Then I ask questions and try to come to terms with it. I get angry and sad. Then I get very busy with anything. Then I shut down again. This cycle continues. Eventually the reality of the situation kicks in and I figure out some way to accept it and carry on. Somewhere in there I usually get good and drunk. Sometimes more than once.
B. After I found out about my first husband's infidelity I had an affair. I wanted to get back at him. Show him how it felt. Little did I know that it would affect me much more than him. I was stressed that he would find out and hope he did all at the same time. I was ashamed and guilty of my actions. I initially thought it would be nice to be with someone who wanted me because my husband didn't. But my lover didn't want to be with me emotionally either. Just physically.
The initial excitement and anticipation of meeting secretly with him was overwhelming. I was anxious and scared and exhilarated and giddy. It was almost like the beginning of any new relationship. I can't imagine being in that state of mind without the relationship ever starting. It would be exhausting.
C. Without acting on these emotions, I think my SO becomes very agitated. Impatient. Moody. Short tempered. He tries to keep himself busy but has trouble staying focused. Looses track of thought. Becomes withdrawn.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 28, 2014 9:52 am 
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As I think back to stories my SO has shared I pick up on some things that could have been forming this addiction. He laughs when he tells the story of his Mom getting called to the school. The teacher had caught him "playing his guitar" for the girls in the coat room. He would somehow hold/strum his penis and pretend he was playing the guitar. This was grade 2. He has also told me that he would hide outside by the bathroom window and watch his sister's friends shower. His sister is nine years older than him. She moved out shortly after graduation so he couldn't have been very old. His Dad worked away a lot. His Mom is not a nurturing person. He doesn't know any nursery rhymes. He doesn't recall being read to. His brother is 13 years older and also moved out after graduation. He found his Dad's porn magazines around the age of 14.
When he first told me of this addiction, he felt that it was stress related. If he was self soothing and seeking attention from a very young age, I can understand how this all came to be. As a teenager he was very popular. He competed in slalom skiing. Participated in local youth groups. Became a camp counselor. Won public speaking competitions. He and his high school sweetheart were voted prom king and queen. He moved out of his parents home, met the girl of his dreams and married when he was 20. Needless to say his family wasn't impressed with this decision. They bought a house and he worked hard to make things work. She cheated and left him. He had a series of one night stands. He called it his trap line often not even knowing their names. We met at work and started dating when he was 27.
To the outside world and to me everything he did was proper and perfect. As I have mentioned in past lessons, there have been many times that I suspected he was up to something. Needing to feel important and needed by women is a very common thread. When he went away to work, he didn't have anybody right there to impress. All he had was his laptop and high speed internet.
I guess his addiction is a combination of instant gratification and objectification. I don't think he thought that what he was doing would hurt anyone. He knows that it was wrong because of the guilt and shame he would feel but the feelings of pleasure trumped them all.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 28, 2014 11:49 am 
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Should I stay or should I go? I have asked myself that many times. I think that I owe it to us to try. I can't walk away without knowing that I have done all I can. He has thanked me several times for staying. I have made it clear that I am here because I believe we are worth trying for but I can only do what I can to help myself get through this. My focus right now is on me and keeping my head straight.
In the beginning I questioned everything he did. If he was late coming home from work I assumed the worst. I read everything I could find about the stages of recovery and would watch his every move and mood. I would send him articles to read. I was going crazy. I came across Recovery Nation and started reading some of the stories of both the addicted and their partners. I registered and started doing the workshops. I started feeling better almost right away. My attitude changed. He noticed and I told him what I had started doing. He has since registered and began the workshops. I can only hope that he goes through this process for himself to heal. I hope that it helps him realize what this has done to us. To me. To him. I have set some personal boundaries which we have talked about and he has respected them. We are trying to be open and honest with our feelings. This is much easier for me but he does seem to be trying. I still have times when I feel so angry that he did this to us. Only time will tell if we survive this or not. If he does the workshops honestly and sincerely we might have a chance. In the meantime, I have to take care of myself. I am prepared to walk away from this if he doesn't have the courage to change.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2014 7:45 pm 
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Three things re his recovery that I would like to see change.
I wish he would just open up and tell me what he's feeling. I can watch him notice girls. Completely check them out. This is fine. I notice guys too. But if I say "Do you think she's pretty? " or whatever, he acts like he has no idea what I'm talking about. Or he will say he had to deal with some triggers today. When I ask what he means by deal with them, he says he recognized them and dealt with them. He won't come right out and say what the trigger was. How it made him feel. What he thought. How he dealt with it. And maybe I don't want to know.
He voluntarily logs in and reads his lessons. I have no idea how many he has done. He's very vague. I will ask if he wants to talk about them and he says not now. He always asks about mine though. Some we have discussed in depth. I sometimes wonder if he was has done any or if he's just pretending to.
He still won't talk to me about his past. First girlfriend, dating, etc. Says the past should stay in the past. He wants to focus on our future. I argue that it's the past that got us here. We need to talk about it. He says he's not ready. I hope I'm strong enough to deal with it when it does finally come out. I hope he trusts me enough to help him through this.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2014 2:27 pm 
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Judging his sincerity. This has been the toughest lesson for me. I truly want to believe that he is sincere about his recovery. He says he is but I need to see it, not hear it. This is what I see:
~He has acknowledged that he feels like there is a whole other person inside of him that lives in a very dark place. He doesn't like this person and wants him gone. I think he is scared. It's like he doesn't know how to live without that person being there. Like he doesn't know who he really is.
~He keeps in touch with me, checking in often throughout the day, letting me know if he is going to be late, etc. I think he is trying to build trust.
~He claims he has stopped watching porn and masturbating but who knows. I have witnessed him scanning and dwelling on women in stores, restaurants, etc. but when I mention it to him, he claims he didn't know or denies it was happening. This could be true I guess. Habit. He did ask to watch a different movie the other night as the one we chose had some scantily clad women in it. On the other hand, the same happened last night and he didn't say anything, just grabbed my hand and squeezed it. I asked him if he was ok? Did he want to watch something else? He looked at me like I had somehow just arrived and said he was fine. Who knows what he was thinking.
~He willingly makes time to log into RN but really struggles with the lessons. He says he doesn't know how to put what is in his head into words. I said just write what ever pops into your mind. There are no right or wrong answers. This is about what you think and feel. I think he has been saying what he thinks people want to hear instead of the truth for so long he doesn't know how to be honest, even with himself.
~I think he knows that there is something wrong deep inside that may have caused this addiction but he is having trouble accepting this and going back in time to figure it out. I have asked him about his parents and family and he answers me but doesn't go any further than that. He doesn't volunteer any information. He has tried to call his Mom several times recently but she was either not home or busy. She hasn't called him back.
~He doesn't open up. We talk about work, the weather, the kids, our friends, etc. I have talked to him about this and he just says that he isn't ready. I told him that for me to start building trust and healing I need to know everything. He promised me that he never had any physical contact with anybody if that helps. It doesn't. I think he feels like he has hurt me enough and is trying to protect me. It's the hiding and lies that hurt the most. This is just making it worse.
~I tell him all of the time that I am proud of the progress he is making. He even told our closest friends about his addiction. His idea. He did all the talking. This was huge for him. They were very supportive and understanding.
I guess I feel like I am getting a mixed bag of emotions or lack there of. I am going to try to talk with him more about this and maybe I will have something to add.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2014 11:17 am 
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Talked with him about this lesson last night. Told him I feel that he sincerely wants to get better but I had trouble with the lesson because he doesn't talk about his addiction. I said that I haven't smoked for almost 30 years and yet there are still times that I crave a cigarette. He said he is worried that if he talks about it all of his urges and cravings will come rushing back and he will relapse and have to start over. He has it all put away in his brain in a place he never wants to go. I told him this concerns me. That hiding it isn't a healthy approach. He is hoping that the lessons will help him to slowly deal with it. Should I be worried about him? I said it's like trapping a dragon in a cave. You know he's there. The longer he is in there the angrier he becomes. He will find a way out. I suggested that it would be wiser to tame the dragon. He said he wants it dead.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 18, 2014 3:01 pm 
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In reviewing my post re my values, I guess what stands out to me the most is the feeling as though I had lost total control over my life. I had become a follower instead of a doer. I was dependent. Since I wrote that post, several things have changed.
I am still working on convincing myself that I'm not completely worthless. That I am a smart, out going, funny, loveable, sexy grandma. That I don't need anybody other than myself to feel complete. I think that I am getting there. I need to be prepared to walk away from this relationship if I have to. I know he needs me to tell him I will always be here for him and I will but probably not in the capacity that he imagines. I'm not going to let him ruin me. If he doesn't take control of his life and make the changes he needs to, I will leave. I have told him this. I refuse to stay with somebody that I can't trust. I hate second guessing every thing he says. I don't think he has even come close to being honest with me or himself for that matter. And that's ok. It's up to him.
I no longer say "What's the plan today?" I already have my day planned. I have started to do the things I used to love to do. I actually got my sewing machine out and made curtains for our grand daughters room! I have made a list of things that I want to get done and have started doing them. I own and operate my own business and have been focusing more on what is happening there, deciding what needs to happen to keep it going and setting up a plan for if I have to close it suddenly. I have been eating healthier, drinking less. I want to rejoin the gym I once went to but am waiting until the New Years specials come out (I'm trying to save as much $$ as I can). In the mean time I have dusted off my yoga mat and started using it again. I have been praying a lot, mostly for the strength I need to get through this and for him to discover the truth and face it. I know we both have a lot to go through yet but I feel much stronger than I did a few weeks ago. I am determined to survive this.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 28, 2014 6:18 pm 
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Quote:
That he had often tried to stop because he knew it was wrong but he couldn't. Boom. We talked lots about it over the next few days/weeks. He said he was glad it was out. He had been wanting to stop for a long time and now that I know, he is confident we can do this together. He never wants to go back to that dark place.
These are likely all very true statements. That said, wanting and doing are two different things. It is also true that it has nothing to do with you—in no way is his behaviour because you are not attractive enough, or good enough etc. I know it doesn’t feel like this, especially in the early days, and really knowing this is difficult for some partner’s to get even long after the initial sting has passed. (Nothing wrong with that, but it does make your healing more difficult).

Quote:
He says he hasn't had any relapses but I'm pretty sure he's lying.
You are probably right. It is rare for a person who has struggled with such compulsive behaviour for as long as he has to just quit cold turkey, without first building a foundation of health (vision/values, etc.) and then practicing these skills consistently and intentionally.

Quote:
I have told him I love him and I hope he can beat this addiction. That he is responsible for that. I can't control what he thinks or feels or does. I would go crazy trying. All I can do is offer support. I have to take care of me and get me to a place where I feel like I have value. If he can't overcome this addiction and continues to lie and hide it from me, I have to be strong enough to walk away.
:g:

Quote:
I guess I feel like I am getting a mixed bag of emotions or lack there of. I am going to try to talk with him more about this and maybe I will have something to add.
He is likely feeling like a mixed bag of emotions. He is taking this on rather courageously, it seems. I can only imagine what he is still holding on to. He has a long road ahead of him, and so do you, especially given your commitment to support him. Make sure you take care of you first. You can’t help someone else put on their oxygen mask if you can’t breathe, yourself.

Quote:
He has it all put away in his brain in a place he never wants to go. I told him this concerns me. That hiding it isn't a healthy approach.
Yes, this is a valid concern and hiding is certainly not healthy.

Quote:
He is hoping that the lessons will help him to slowly deal with it. Should I be worried about him?
Yes, the lessons will help him deal with it slowly (well, the pace is his choice). Regarding worry--What will the impact of worrying be? How does worrying fit within your vision and values? Worry could be the thing that keeps you grounded and focused on your job (continuing your process) but it could become all consuming (and undermine your process).

You have done some excellent work here, drop kicked. Keep working on what you have made his addiction mean about you—because it is a lie and the most important part of your healing is that you really get that, experientially and deeply. Your determination is a great strength. One thing-you don’t have to second guess everything he says. You can accept it as “what he is saying” but that doesn’t mean you have to accept it as truth and it doesn’t have to mean anything about the future of your relationship. You already know that consistent observable behaviour is more telling than words. And, even if he does fully recover, and his actions align with his words, this does not mean that you even have to stay with him. Part of your process is determining if the damage he did to your values can be reconciled in such a way that you will choose to be vulnerable with him (which will be necessary at some point, if you are to stay together). All you really need to be able to do is trust yourself.

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 05, 2015 6:36 pm 
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I wrote the letters. Read them a few times. Had a good cry. Tore them up and threw them out. Past is past.

Lesson 13

My self esteem, which wasn't so great to begin with, is totally in the hole. 1
I struggle to be out socially with our friends. 4
I constantly watch him to see who he is talking to or checking out. 4
I have finally started leaving him home alone without any passwords on the notebook. 6
I wasted lots of hours of my life wondering what he was doing. I have pretty much stopped checking up on him. 2
I second guess everything he says re how he feels about me/us. 1
Christmas was a struggle. I didn't want to participate in any of it. I didn't want to buy him anything. I got him a few stocking suffers but nothing really. I did what socializing I had to but hate putting on that happy everything is wonderful face. 2
I worry about how our adult children are going to react and treat him when they find out. I feel like I am keeping a secret from them. Avoiding them sometimes. 1
I don't have the same energy. I feel like a huge weight is on me. Always tired. 1
I am still very angry with him. 1
I have trouble caring about anything or showing compassion to people. It's like I have turned my heart off. 1
I distrust men. They are all liars and cheaters. 1
I distrust women. They have no problem flirting with my man in front of me. God knows what they would do behind my back. 1
I am angry with myself. 1

I'm sure there's more and I will keep adding to the list. There are times when I think we might actually get through this and the next moment I wonder why I am bothering to try. He's a selfish immature ass. I find myself caring less and less about how or what he is doing.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2015 5:34 pm 
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Lesson 14:
How am I going to deal with all of this over the next few months. Good question. I am trying to give him more space. More time to himself. The first few times I left him home alone I hurried back and checked our devices for signs that he had watched porn. Now I just leave and come back when I am ready. If he chooses to relapse, it's his bad. Nothing has popped up and I haven't searched history for over a month. There have been times when we were out with friends and I noticed him noticing the waitress. This still makes me feel very insecure. He admits that he looks and often feels compelled to fantasize about them but he stops it from happening. I can probably tolerate this. I look at guys too. I don't imagine their dick in my mouth but whatever! I still don't think he has been completely honest with me re: his addiction and past actions. He says he has hurt me enough and doesn't want to hurt me any more. Past is past. He just wants to move forward. I get this. I have told him I don't think I can heal completely without knowing all of the gory details but he won't talk about it so I have to move on regardless. Maybe one day he will spill the beans. It does make it hard to trust him going forward.
He does read the lessons in the recovery zone and will talk about them with me. He isn't consistent with them but I guess neither am I. I tell him that I am proud of him. That I know it isn't easy. As partners I think we are doing better. We communicate back and forth through out the day. We have always enjoyed doing things together like cooking or renovations or going for drives. Sometimes I feel like I am doing what he wants and not what I had planned but when I say I thought we could do such and such instead, he is open to changing the plan. I guess we are compromising more. Trying to please each other. Trying to encourage each other to do more of what we like to do. Showing appreciation. In saying this, I have noticed that he doesn't like to share me with anybody. He likes having the kids and grandkids come or friends over for dinner or to play cards, but he is happiest when it is just us. He hasn't told very many people about his addiction so I think he is worried that it might slip out and he isn't ready for everybody to know. I don't push him to tell. He will know when he is ready.
There have been times when I questioned him about his demeanor or sketchy giggle or feel like he is just going through the actions and not being sincere. He claims he has had no relapses. If I find out that he has been lying to me and has been hiding and watching porn and masturbating or worse, I will leave. I won't tolerate it. If he comes to me and says he relapsed and explains the whys and whats and hows and is completely honest I can get through it. I have told him this many times. It isn't a threat. It's just the truth.
I have told him that I need encouragement and support and respect, honesty and security and trust. That I need to feel like he wants me. This one is tough. When we are intimate, it is very vanilla (thank you for this term Mr. Grey!). I have expressed that I want more. I want to have sex someplace other than in bed with the lights out. I want to feel like he can't keep his hands off of me. That he has been fantasizing about what he is going to do to me all day. A month or so ago, I greeted him at the door in a sexy nighty and stockings. He acknowledged me and said I looked good but he got all weird and headed for the shower. We cooked a nice dinner together and he touched me and said he liked what he saw but it felt really forced. The evening was incredibly tense and uneventful. We watched TV and finally went to bed. I have never felt so humiliated and old and fat and embarrassed. He can't explain why or what happened. I assured him it won't happen again. It's like he feels that it is ok to fantasize about having incredibly kinky sex with a stranger but he doesn't want to put me in the same place in his mind? Don't know.
I was a mess after that night. We have talked about it a lot but neither of us understand it. He is trying to be more outgoing sexually but I find that it's me who initiates it 90% of the time. It wasn't always like this. I feel like he is completely bored with me. I'm hoping this is part of the addiction and it will change. I guess I should be grateful that we are even having sex and he is able to achieve and maintain an erection! If this all stops, I guess I will know he has been lying and is right back at it!
I am doing my best to stay focused on what I want out of life. We have been talking about the future and where we see ourselves. I think he sincerely likes being with me. I don't think he meant to hurt me. I believe him when he says he didn't realize what it was doing to us. I think he is trying hard to understand the addiction and change. Time will tell. All I can do is all I can do.


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