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 Post subject: Renee's Healing Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:03 am 
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Joined: Sat Jun 06, 2015 4:51 am
Posts: 9
I have been married for 6 years to a man who, just like the majority of people report on their healing threads, seemed to be the perfect man. When we met he was kind, gentle, not afraid to show his sensitive side, and loved having fun. I believe it was the fun-loving, impulsive side of him that really attracted me to him in the first place, as I’m not as impulsive and it felt like we complemented one another. We travelled a lot, we did fun things, and the entire time it felt like our love was something special that happened once in a lifetime. I couldn’t believe my luck most of the time, and felt so lucky that this (seemingly) wonderful man wanted to spend his life with me.

Early on in the relationships I caught him watching porn a few times, but after several arguments (where he said he’d stopped watching) I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. I was aware that there were some aspects of our physical relationship that were not always functional, mainly due to our highly stressed lives and his incessant travelling, and I thought that masturbating to porn from time to time wasn’t that big of a deal in the long run. How naïve I was. I can’t believe that I didn’t see the decline in intimacy over the years as potentially problematic – I guess I thought it happened to all couples. We didn’t have sex very often, and we did argue quite a lot. Somehow I just believed that love would be enough in the end, that if two people wanted to be with one another everything would somehow (magically?!) turn out well.

But it wasn’t until about 2 years ago, when we moved to another place, that odd things started happening. I accidentally saw via his laptop that he had posted profiles of himself on various dating websites. Absolutely stunned and shocked I confronted him. He didn’t want to confess at first, but he did eventually and said he was sorry. He started therapy, and we both blamed his poor self-esteem and our sex life on some of the things that happened between us. I again chose to believe that all would turn out well.

However, I’ve lived with this nagging feeling ever since that something was not right. He started travelling more often, he didn’t want to discuss having children, and he didn’t want to look for work in the town we currently live because he claimed to want to live nearer his family (even though we’re now in a place that is far more beneficial for both of us in terms of our careers). There were inconsistencies in things he was telling me, he kept changing plans, and couldn’t commit to anything with me. I thought I was starting to go nuts, and turning into one of those jealous women that I’ve always abhorred.

So a few weeks ago, after 2 years of poor physical relations, feeing alone and deserted, and with this constant nagging feeling in my gut telling me that something was wrong, I finally decided to go through his e-mail and see whether I was being completely and utterly paranoid, or whether there was something to my suspicions. I found evidence of porn watching, other websites he had joined, and an affair he had had for an entire year (!!) with a woman in another country. I couldn’t feel my legs, I remember having a vague sense of reading through these e-mails and trying to understand what they meant, but it just didn’t go into my head.

I mulled things over and waited a few days until I confronted him, and after lying at first he confessed. My gut, which I have since learned to appreciate on an entirely new level, did tell me that it wasn’t the entire truth. So when he was out of the house I again checked through his mobile phone, and found numbers that he had called to escort services. One of these he had called while I was having surgery the week before, and I couldn’t reach him for an entire hour post surgery even though he was supposed to be picking me up.

We decided to go into therapy together, and that he would seek additional help on his own. This feels very much like someone putting a bandage on a deep cut, and I know it’s something temporary happening right now. I have no idea what is going to happen with us in the future, I feel like my entire world has been shattered. Everything I believed about this man is now forever altered. I have made the decision to go through this program because I have no earthly idea what else to do with myself at this very moment. I feel angry, resentful, bitter, and all alone. I can’t talk to anyone about this, partly because I’m not ready yet but also because I feel so ashamed. My friends and family all adore my husband, and I think my parents would be traumatized if they found out what he has actually done.

I really hope that these exercises will help me gain clarity regarding what I want from this relationship. I was told a long time ago not to make any drastic decisions in the midst of a traumatic experience, and this is what I’m doing right now. I don’t want to separate or move out at the moment simply because I don’t have the energy nor strength to do so, and I, perhaps selfishly, feel that it’s time for me to focus on myself in all of this – something I haven’t done at all throughout. I rationally understand that my life isn’t over and that the future might bring better and brighter things for me, but right now I don’t really feel that in my gut. All I can do is trust that doing all of these things and taking care of myself will put me on the right path in the end.


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