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PostPosted: Thu Aug 11, 2016 4:13 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 146
19

List of rules

I will not engage in enabling behaviour,such as overlooking pornography on pc, or turning blind eye.
I will not participate in degrading behaviour,or be manipulated into behaviours that re enforce the fantasies husband wants to act out.
I will not be intimidated into not voicing concerns or calling husband out on lying or abusive behaviour
I will not tolerate emotional,physical or online affairs or meet up by husband
I will not be put down or made to feel stupid for having feelings
I will be open and honest and expect my husband to be too,will not keep quiet when I know he is lying
I will not be guilted into not giving myself time, freedom and the chance to do things I want to

B.
I indulged in sexual acts that I found unpleasant
I joined online sites in a bid to show I was open to my partners behaviour in an effort to have him want me.
I have lied to partner over my spying on him

C.
I do not wish husband to be using family pc for watching fetish porn or chat.
I have set up a blocker which I will not remove due to intimidation or husbands sulks.
I will not try to please husband by indulging in degrading behaviour and will focus my mind on pleasing myself.
I will call husband on behaviour instead of keeping it inside.

I will not change my plans for him, as I now see it is a form of controlling me.
I will not make excuses,or cover for his behaviour


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 01, 2016 4:07 am 
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Posts: 146
Well, I have stalled a little on my lessons, have been reading the last one and need to get it done.
I have been reading books on porn addiction , and continuing my one to one counselling, the gene is out of the bottle now, as I have opened up to my counsellor I find it hard to keep quiet and leave things status quo with husband.
I installed a porn blocker, reassured by counsellor that I was indeed entitled to protect my daughter, who uses it, she is just 17, and as I continue on tho journey of finding my self, and my self worth..exiting the bubble of emotional abuse I have been in all my adult life, I am seeing I have every right to protect myself and my kids.
Husband huffed but didn't say much, but then I deleted a huge file of fetish femdom,tv videos on his account, I know I shouldn't have,but returning from counselling full of anger that he was using these as he couldn't access online porn..while he and daughter were alone in house and I was having to sort out all her birthday celebration food,cake,card for today,plus get all my mums shopping and then go clean and sort her out was too much. have to say he did say I was welcome to access his account when saying he had no issues,so i didnt hack it, and if as he saud he rarely looked..he wouldnt even realise would he...lol
when I returned from my mums he was deleting all his stuff, muttering...he then said I should finish deleting his account,I asked why and hr said,someone went behind my back and deleted stuff..i said do you mean I deleted your porn stash...he didn't answer,just said if I had asked he would have as he hardly looked at porn...internal laugh from me...as I check
Anyhow, I said how did you know if you never look at it, did you resort it as I had out a porn blocker on pc
I then said again I knew he had a problem with porn and told him it was not a case of him having a problem that affected himself,but that for years I had felt unwanted as he rejected my advances in favour of self gratification that has become more extreme so that is all that turns him on, and that left me feeling unloved..I cane out with the fact I was having counselling and that his problem that he was denying had damaged and hurt me deeply..
Anyhow, I asked if he would look at the book I got him..your brain on porn..or out of the shadows..his response was, I don't care what your friends online say,or what the book say..i don't have a problem ...
And again..that he hadn't done anything..it seems that only physics affairs is clocked as damaging in his mind
I was awake long into night..silently crying,going over what counselling session had brought up, husband awoke..and asked me what was the matter, he held me but not a word...unbelievable
I was awake early, husband woke and asked what's up...its like he has a memory problem...
...hell, entitlement or,self absorbed or what.because he then said dont worry,I still love you..was he thinking i was upset because i thought he wouldnt love me if i deleted his porn..i said what does that have to do with it, I haven't done anything wrong...a change which made him look..as last time he had me grovelling and apologising for making a fuss and mentioning what he had done....i said i loved him but was scared,that I didn't think I could take my heart being broken again, he said he wouldn't do that..he promised,i said he had broken my heart before and promised the sane, then broken it all over again..then I said about his comment about being infatuated with five or six women and telling me he couldn't promise it wouldn't happen again...I feel this was such a cruel thing to say,i cant shake it, suppose he was saying the latest infatuation i discovered wasnt special or a one off to reassure me he wasn't wanting to leave me for her,but it piled more on.. i had no idea he was obbsessing over real women..co workers...i have no idea who, from that moment I have wondered who, and if he sent them poems,cards..stayed late at work to be in their company..something I am working through with counsellor to let go jealousy from the past newly discovered..it really only adds to the reality that he has a problem ....its so odd he cant evaluate the amount of things he was engaged in..regardless of no physical affair and how he cant see any relation to my problems, I am rocking the boat and he is finding it impossible to deal with emotional connection..the hard reality of a real relationship..i presume he thought I would go on like a robot..while he did what he wanted..oh well, I cannot out the stopper back in.
I may have to tell him I have chucked out his clothes..i djd hide them, but counsellor asked shy I hadn't chucked them out..what was my thinking, she is making me realise I have a right to protect my home, it is reassuring to see,hear her reaction to things my husband has done,said,to know how I am reacting is normal..that I have been abused to such an extent that I was numbed, afraid, suppressing my whole identity and dignity and allowing such disrespect . Even now my strength is from my daughters safety .. I am so angry he was and will dress up and act out to porn while alone with her..and so angry he has been so off,rude and angry at her when all she did was interrupt his viewing..why did I say nothing..why did I,knowing full well he had a porn window open..make excuses and side with him when she innocently wanted to ask something..not knowing he was on fetish sites..as I say, there is an anger,resentment replacing the self torture about past events...i know I cant go on with no change..i am not going to enable anymore..
..counsellor did day my perception and emotions would change as my self esteem grew and I detached more.
, I will go on healing myself, as counselling is making me find myself,identity,worth detachment so I can make whatever decisions I am forced to make
Perhaps something will click in his head as my behaviour changes..it has already.its just so depressing that he is in so deep,that he cant get past denial..even said he only views porn once in every three months..i didn't say I had checked the webcache to verify the extent of his porn needs in my own mind

Sorry..vent over, seems once I opened up to counsellor I find more and more wants to pour out, it is a huge relief and support just to talk to her, to have her reinforce my thoughts and encourage me to get out and do my own thing, to let go of all the shame and other enabling things I have always done. To understand my actions were those of someone literally subtly abused and manipulated mentally for years
No more,


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 03, 2016 7:35 am 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5199
Quote:
I also have achieved the bubble I actually have a physical action to help myself believe I am in a force field,by running my hands over my body about a foot distance, when the bs or putdowns start, it works, husband does look bemused though.
:) Good

Quote:
I can't see I can do anything. I do want to discuss that I feel he is addicted to sex. and the state of our marriage, but rather to draw a line in the sand and know we can't go back ot the elephant in the room scenario. To put an end of me not wanting to get into conflict or upset the apple cart. but I am working on a time, and how to broach this as not to do it with emotion, or judgement. more to tell him I know it is a problem he has, not just a simple "titillation" thing
It may be a scary thought-the idea of approaching a problem and addressing it head on. It is good to practice it, think about what you could say if you were to bring these issues up with him. It will also help when you have created boundaries based on your values (to come in future lessons). Being able to approach this without emotion or judgement will be possible once you know yourself as your values and have grounded yourself in the same; this will help you separate yourself from his addiction. Not to worry, it will come. Just keep doing what you are doing. If you wish to address this in the meantime, just allow yourself the fact that you may be put off balance by his response, and know that this is ok and it is only temporary; you will reorient yourself because you are committed to your healing.

Quote:
I have said it hurts me, but nothing else. boundaries are seeming hard for me, as he doesn't seem to take notice and I am not strong enough for hard boundaries
Boundaries are difficult because they require us to be honest with ourselves as to what we will enforce and what we won’t, and then we have to accept that. I would say it is not that you are not strong enough, but perhaps you are simply not ready. You are wise to not try to force this-if you set a boundary that you are not ready to enforce and it gets violated, then you will undermine yourself. This process takes time. You will get there.

Quote:
unfaithful physically, seeing escorts again. I think I have to realise if this is happening again, after telling him my pain, it will prove I cannot trust him going into the future,
This is actually almost a complete boundary. “If I find out/realize that you are seeing escorts again, it will prove to me that I cannot trust you going into the future. Since trust is so important in a relationship, if you violate that trust it tells me that you do not value this relationship and I will have to seriously consider leaving the relationship (or I will leave the relationship)”.

Quote:
I am working on changing myself to cope with what lies aead, rather than changing him. I have been there, and I know it wont work
Good. You are right that you cannot change him.

Quote:
I will share my needs, what I hope for. I am having real trouble voicing concerns, I need something to trigger courage to bring up what I know to be the problem and to make it clear it has,is, destroying what we have and making me re evaluate our future
Try “When you do x, it violates my values of a, b, c, etc. and as a result is destroying what we have and making me reevaluate our future.”

Quote:
I am not sure, I do know I will need to make the first move,as he won't admit, or even realise he has a problem, I think he probably feels he isnt attracted to me..and therefore justifies his need for satisfying feelings of lust..
I am really sorry to hear. You have a long road ahead of you, given he doesn’t admit anything is wrong with his behaviour/actions. This clearly shows his lack of empathy and responsibility and his utter selfishness. He is not one person living in a bubble where the impact of his actions are limited to himself.

Quote:
I need to stop being passive aggressive..and be brave enough to bring subject up,I am too used to being shouted down etc
I am seeking counselling to try to see if I can gain this

Good news!

Quote:
Focus on my value as a person,self worth..knowing now that neglecting my values gains nothing,changes nothing.
More outside interests, volunteering to keep from being isolated,to keep me grounded in how normal people function and treat me

All very good things to practice!

Quote:
I can be understanding that he cannot help himself
The truth is, while the urge may be strong and he likely feels that he cannot help himself, this is actually a farce. He can, it’s just that the the prospect of stopping his behaviour and not having it in his life is more painful than continuing to act out. At least, this is his perception which is skewed in part because he doesn’t actually consider the full impact of his behaviour.

Quote:
I cant stop crying, I feel I am fighting reality,I can see I am so deep in denial that I am terrified the counselling is making face the fact my marriage cant be saved,

I am so sorry. This is so painful. It is not that your marriage can’t be saved, but that you have choice in what you will tolerate and not. It is not for her to tell you to leave or stay, but to help you understand what your options are and acknowledge the possible outcomes of your options. In my opinion, she should be able to give you constructive tools to work with that will help you tell him (e.g. stick to the facts, When you do this, I feel statements, etc.).

Quote:
Next session I will start learning how to separate myself emotionally from him.
Good. It sounds like her work with you aligns with what you are doing here, which will strengthen both.

Good work with exercise 17-19!
It seems you have an excellent counsellor and I am so happy for you. It sounds like you are gaining strength and stability and connecting to yourself through all of this-What a breakthrough! It is work, it can certainly be draining, but it is so worthwhile.

Be well

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 05, 2016 3:15 am 
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Posts: 146
Exercise 20 - I am writing a blog, so I can vent my feelings,and note events so I do not dismiss,then forget.
Now I will add the events other Tha things concerning Sa, ie I have weak boundaries regarding chores..but am getting better at leaving others yo clean their mess,writing a blog about boundaries will make me see how I let others break boundaries

Exercise 21
1. List five major events that may break boundaries over the next year, how you will recognise them, and what you would do if they happened tomorrow.

Husband starting emotional or physical affair. I would recognise this if he became distant and abusive,spending unaccounted time away. After counselling, I am feeling stronger, so this would make me question our marriage continuing, I would make sure my husband listened and realised that this is something I cannot accept. I would tell him we need counselling as a couple if he felt he wanted to stay with me, since I have told him my truths about how this has affected me.

Escorts. I would confront him and tell him this was something that would cause me to end our marriage. I feel I cannot face that again. Regardless of my love for him, the pain would be too much now I have voiced how hurt I was the other times.

Abusive talk, I will confront him on his attitude and way he speaks to me when he is getting agitated and needing to act out. I will recognise his moods for what they are now,no longer feeling I did something

Women's clothes, I know this situation will arise as I have removed his hidden stash he uses when viewing porn. After being understanding and totally misunderstanding why he dresses and steals women's clothes I won't stand for it in house due to him viewing fetish porn while dressing up when he is alone with daughter in house. I will stand my ground, even though he will accuse me of looking for his stuff without permission. I am struggling with being truthful, or denying doing it tbh, as the last time I saw the suitcase I was just picking up something I forgot..and he told me he was throwing stuff out ... So in theory..he has nothing for me to have found, must stop wanting to play mind games..will bring this up next session




2. List five minor events in the next month

Expecting me to do all chores, I will recognise this by him commenting on something needing doing, and then sitting down to read, I will not dutifully do the chore

Trying to view porn, I will confront this, as he has just told me that he only looked at porn once in three months, total denial, I have a blocker, but I will recognise he I looking if he buys his tablet for his own use,

Attempts to errode my self esteem, I will recognise this by snide comments, or belittling jokes. Ie I was asked how tall I was,and husband joked three foot three...which I felt was said in a belittling way, his "only joking" has been seen in a different light by me. I will pull him up on such put down jokes.


3. List boundaries you have broken of others in the last six months

I have unintentionally broken my children's boundaries by doing their chores, and also by being over protective.. I am realising they are grown up, and I don't need to help...control..amy more. This was unintentional and only through counselling have I realised

I have broken husbands privacy boundaries by snooping, installing k9 and by deleting all his porn stored on our pc, though I was given permission to go into his account as a sign of openness . I knew I was doing this, but justified it by the fact husband has lied to me so blatently and broken my boundaries. I realise it was wrong but did it anyway, concerned for daughter as she has seen odd window being closed etc.

I have their out husbands stash of women's clothes, so have knowingly broken a big trust boundary, but didn't know what else to do.

I have used webcams to soy on husband while out intentionally, knowing I was breaking trust boundaries. I justified it by needing to know the extent of his addiction and because daughter was in house with him on their own.

After gaining my knowledge on the true situation,and extent. I took out the cam, and haven't done it since.

These boundary breaking events left me feeling bad, but I do not know what else to do, as husband is so deceitful and lies freely. I cannot get him to discuss or even talk about his addiction. So I feel I need to end the years of me ignoring and enabling in our home.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2016 2:10 am 
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Used strength gained through talking with my counsellor to engage with husband after he asked why I was so quiet, I laid out how I had been affected, and told him about what I knew about, addiction..thought we were making progress..but I realise he I still in addict mode, he didn't deny what I was saying but she I asked if he wanted to get anything else out in the open, as I wasn't seeking to reproach,only make a start where he didn't feel he was still holding guilt..he said nothing else had happened, of course I don't believe that, and he had nothing to say, only that he was sorry,loved me, would never leave me...then that he wasn't addicted.....sad to say his lack of being able to open up or talk to me properly makes me realise how intimately avoidant,he is..i feel this is as painful as all the other stuff as it points to a future where I never feel connected,and he keeps the mask on, as well as carrying on healing myself, I am determined to have at least one difficult conversation.well,mainly me,with him, to gain strength I being able to communicate my feelings..and to stop enabling him by turning a blind eye and letting him continue being detached and not having to face intimate talk...he would be happy to discuss the weather and football forever and avoid emotion or deeper,uncomfortable connection. I see this clearly now, he is incapable of offering his self or support emotionally. I told him I cant carry on the way we have been, and that ehrn I had said fresh start a year ago,I didn't mean I would carry on enabling. This is a huge Ste in my strength as I have been too scared to say a word fir most of our marriage.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2016 3:29 am 
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22.

The most extreme emotion I have felt

On losing my daughter in the supermarket when she was two, and again with another daughter who was not in school when I arrived to pick her up..she was five . Both times it turned out ok but the gut wrenching terror I felt was the most awful feeling I have experienced, looking back.


Irrational behaviour caused by emotions..

Discovering husband had gone to see an escort, and had met three times. I was in shock, fear.
I was driving around the streets where I thought it may be, illogically thinking I would see him entering or leaving her place. I would then drive to meet him leaving work to make sure that was where he was. I was obsessed that he was with her.

What I would tell myself.
That you cannot control someone, cannot be everywhere. And direct confrontation
Is a must. I did confront my husband,but did not call him in his lies, as I was spying on him and wanted to find out the truth, so thought my spying would ensure I found the truth rather than rely on him, it was a wrong call, and delayed my healing by years,and just enabled him to continue.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2016 3:45 am 
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Relationship options

Remain in relationship, try to heal myself and try to get through to husband,hoping he will begin recovery, but waiting to decide if I should continue,if he carries on in denial and starts up again after I have openly offered support, love,understanding and openness in the last week, and also laid out how low this has made me, ie mentioning suicidal thoughts,lack of worth etc..i cannot see staying in a marriage with someone who listens, acknowledges,promises...but then goes straight back to,or becomes more devious when offered total support and love..

To remain married, try to offer support

Separation, ask husband to leave, divorce

Remain married,accept husband has intimacy issues and turn blind eye

The benefits of waiting to see,undecided..i am not tying myself to a decision that I am not strong enough to make yet, also I feel I need to offer explanation to my husband and a chance for our marriage to continue, to gain a proper understanding of me and him, working out if he has ny intention of wanting us to be closer, ie,I need to find out if he can change,or if he is a lost cause, and now I have opened dialogue,I cannot say he isnt being given a chance,or support.

Down side..leaves me torn, as to detach in case we do part, or whether to leap into saving things and becoming blind to everything again,

How to overcome, keep seeing counsellor to gain strength in boundaries and continue communication with husband, not to overwhelm him,but not to let him off uncomfortable talk.
Call him out on things he does so I do not drift back into denial and fantasy love of him.
Continue building savings and prepare for being independant. Start to build confidence to start linger hours work as youngest nears end of school life.
Try not to keep dreaming of fantasy future together as promoted by husband with his continuous talk of cruises, country idles etc.

The benefits of trying to heal myself and offer support to husband would be a relationship more open, perhaps return of trust,and some intimacy

The drawbacks, husband is still in denial and seemingly unable to engage intimately, so I may have to accept he will never change. I cannot go on in the same situation

Overcoming...continue with counselling, keep trying to open door for husband to recover, put boundaries in place and do not enable anymore by overlooking, keeping feelings, etc to myself,


The benefits of separation, I would no longer feel the marriage is forced,feeling something I missing, always doubting his intentions, having to out up with mood swings, and put downs, dominating etc.
no shame for his actions, I would be free to live as I want, and possibly find a new partner
Down side, loneliness, failure, thinking he nay have got better, missing companionship, get on well mostly so would miss being together,not sure I would be able to put him out of mind,so may still be jealous, begrudging..if he met someone, lack of financial stability, possible forced sake of house..if he wanted his share..putting me and three over sixteens out of a home...miss support on day to day chires,looking after my mum etc

Overcoming problems, realise youngest is 17..not young kids anymore, look to personal healing and confidence
Continue saving. Realise I have only nine years left before retirement,
Gain independence so I am not continually needing to do things as a couple

Benefits of staying as we were..none, apart from a quiet life, no stress on him, rosy on surface
Drawbacks..i would be in danger if serious mental health issues, dangers for my daughters, and health risks if he acted out
Overcome...cannot overcome this one, so must continue counselling,growing stronger,stop living in denial, fantasy and playing victim

D. The option I feel is best for me is the trying to save marriage by trying to open husbands eyes and get him to seek help, but with the understanding that if nothing changes in the next year or so..ie he is still lieing,acting out..no intimacy,even with my support and openness..then I will end the marriage

I feel this way I have given it my best shot, because i do love him, but if he proves to me that he has not self awareness or insight,or empathy after my openness and expressing my pain and my desire to be with him on a healthy path, then how will I trust him, and how little does he feel he needs to out into our marriage, it will be impossible to move to that country idle knowing he will continue to betray me, and I will never find peace or true happiness with him..

Second option..i don't know , I need to find more strength before thinking seperation without trying everything to save my marriage. But the option of remaining married regardless scares me.

E.
The options available to my partner

To carry on lieing and acting out but remaining married

To carry on lieing, thinking if its just porn he isnt cheating and stay married

To detach and become increasingly abusive in order to get me to make him leave

To leave me, so he can act out without guilt

To realise his addiction and become open to getting help, becoming able to talk about this

I am tending to feel he would try to carry on doing what he wants,justifying that he is holding back from cheating or seeing escorts,perhaps..hoping I would not find out and he stays in the marriage

Or I may see him indulging in things that he hopes will put me off being close to him..ie he has done this a lot, farting, being coarse to prevent any further intimacy I initiate, wearing old stuff to bed..he may escalate this to detach from me,hoping I will not want to be with him?

Sadly at present he is displaying the well entrenched denial,and listen,think I will forget..and then continue what he is doing but more deviously..time will tell, as k9 is on, and all his clothes are thrown. He has never had me set boundaries or have courage to call him out on much of what he does so I don't know how he will react long term when he realises I will not be going back to enabling,ignoring

F. I am going to look into all these things to prepare myself


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 19, 2016 10:25 am 
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Looking at options, perhaps the hardest time of my life, fighting reality.
I thought we were closer...then I muttered something unflattering as the co worker he said he had been infatuated with walked by, she didn't hear.
I think it was about hoping she tripped in her heels...he asked what I said, I said nothing, then he went all moody, wouldn't talk and revved the car madly as we drove home,wouldn't talk all evening..next day he was as if nothing happened, but it left me feeling alternately hurt and angry...was he mad as I dissed who he has the hots with..i would have given me a cuddle and reassured me the woman meant nothing, etc...not seemingly taken offence that I didn't like her....i am quite allowed to dislike who I wish
Or was it that it made him realise I hadn't forgotten...and his guilt made him angry that I had reminded him..again, in his situation I would have reassured me..but that isn't in him.
I just feel nothing will change tbh. When we did get "intimate" he didn't touch me, just rubbed himself against me..and then began..may as well have been by himself. Thats what I miss, being needed,desired, having some feeling that I am wanted..i feel that will never be
Then I had a lovely day working, felt so happy, chatting and helping people, on my own, my confidence and well being shot up, I felt invigorated
Then today he came in from work and left his rucksack..so I had to look, seeing that he has suddenly started taking supplements...i asked what they were and was told they are for mental awareness.lol..nooe they are for circulation..i looked them up..commonly used for sexual enhancement..like viagra, the last time he got some viagra online..and kept that secret too..
So..i look in bag and there in a crumpled carrier are my hold ups and some of my pants..cant recall if I had out them to be thrown, so I know he is working early doors..and alone in building doing his cleaning..and has or will be using them there for whatever so I poured glitter in the tops of the hold ups..i know..i shouldn't have, but I was so angry,that all this rubbish about hr doesn't do this or that etc, doesn't view porn for months and deffo isnt addicted..
I just feel I am imploding tbh, I cant get through to him and he obviously feels he can go on as always, pleasuring himself and denying me..except now I have opened up and he knows I won't go on the way we were.
I am between a rock and hard place, living like this I making me crazy,and I cant go back to fantasy..yet, I am still so scared of bring alone..perhaps now though I am realising its the financial stuff and the companionship more than the fantasy of thinking he is the love of my life and will suddenly change.
So confused emotionally today, wish my counselling session would hurry up
Oh plus after mucking me around changing venues,they have now cancelled my tai chi lessons and they were starting weds. I just feel so let down,and trying not to sink into ruminating


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2016 5:00 am 
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Ok, so I took the underwear out of his backpack..i felt I couldn't stand the thought of him putting it on in the solitude of his workplace..he has taken to going in very early...but felt it was beneath me to want to see him humiliated if he got out the stuff and glitter went everywhere...what cost to his job,and more angst between us.
We did have sex last night but as usual he lay with his arm over his eyes,not looking at me, he did say he loved me after..but now I know he is fantasising and doesn't want to connect intimately,it takes any enjoyment away. I was almost waiting.willing him to say a name, or some thing that would give away his thoughts, I felt he was using me to self pleasure as usual,I wasn't important.
My course has been cancelled, and I was upset, he told me we could find something together....I had explained it was for me time, my daughter rang and realising I was down about it, brought home wine and choccies to cheer me up..on seeing this,husband asked why I was down...sometimes I think he has no thought in his head tbh.

exercise 24

I have always tried to be there for husband, trying to read his moods, and trying to lift him if he was down, presents, or special meals, I always hated I he was stressed,ir if work was getting him down.

Not sure if he did the same for me, I am not sure if he monitored my health, and has never been emotionally deep. Many times he has asked what the matter was, but not really wanting to know the answer, so would need to to something to fix..or become annoyed,saying what can I do etc.

I hadn't really acknowledged health monitoring in our relationship.

I notice if he is not managing if he becomes sulky,or started berating people and situations harshly. Or become insular,

I notice I am not managing when I turn to too much wine, over eating when not hungry, or when I start to find I am drawn to spying,searching, or thinking of revenge, or punishing husband, or if I become withdrawn and not wanting to go out,and my thoughts become ruminating and negative, going over the past or trying to see into the future.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2016 12:44 pm 
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I am writing this post as a note to recall, as I am speechless
As to husbands bizzarre thought processes..
At work someone took his pen, and no one owned up, only a few people there..i said it could have been left on a table..but
Husband in foul mood, in car on way home exclaiming how disappointed he was..that someone we worked with had stolen his pen and no one had owned up,knowing it was his pen, disappointed he said and he wouldn't trust them again, disappointed as he assumed you could trust the people you worked with.
I just agreed that yes, it was disappointing when you find someone does something like that..unbelievable, I just sat in silence the rest of the way, he was absolutely furious all afternoon, sulking and not speaking to our colleagues over a pen..and broken trust,that he wont be able to have in future.. perhaps it shows how disconnected his thoughts are..or that he is totally self absorbed.
I shall be venting over this tomorrow at counselling tbh it has made me wonder what goes on in his mind.


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2016 7:41 am 
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Quote:
I would make sure my husband listened and realised that this is something I cannot accept.
Well, you could, but you won’t. There is a fine distinction here, which is responsibility. If you say you won’t accept something, you set a clear boundary; if you say you can’t, there is a loophole that there is a possibility that (with time and enough wearing down of your values) you could.

Quote:
After being understanding and totally misunderstanding why he dresses and steals women's clothes I won't stand for it in house due to him viewing fetish porn while dressing up when he is alone with daughter in house. I will stand my ground, even though he will accuse me of looking for his stuff without permission.
If he accuses you it is because he is manipulating, trying to use your values against you. Some values are absolute values like the safety of your daughter, which includes a boundary of no dressing up in women’s clothes, no watching fetish porn while our daughter is in the house. If you violate that boundary, I will do everything in my power to restore her safety, including violate another of my values (respecting privacy or boundaries of others). So, I threw out your stash as a way of protecting our daughter’s safety. Period. Even if he hadn’t said he was throwing “stuff out” (for all you know, he meant the lint in his pocket) he still violated a bottom line value. Good that you recognize his manipulation. Stay firm-you have done nothing wrong.

Quote:
I have unintentionally broken my children's boundaries by doing their chores, and also by being over protective.. I am realising they are grown up, and I don't need to help...control..amy more. This was unintentional and only through counselling have I realised
Good to realize and work toward giving them back their responsibility, but also understand that it was unintentional, you lacked awareness, and you were simply acting on autopilot-being the person who takes care of everyone.

Quote:
I have their out husbands stash of women's clothes, so have knowingly broken a big trust boundary, but didn't know what else to do.
I don’t understand why he has a boundary for your trust, when he has not acted in any consistent demonstrable way that he is trust-worthy. When there is a proven track record of abused trust, it is not wise to trust freely, and especially not to force yourself to ignore your intuition in order to make the violator feel trusted.

Quote:
I am determined to have at least one difficult conversation.well,mainly me,with him, to gain strength I being able to communicate my feelings..and to stop enabling him by turning a blind eye and letting him continue being detached and not having to face intimate talk…This is a huge Ste in my strength as I have been too scared to say a word fir most of our marriage.
Excellent! Even simply naming his behaviour as it happens will help you become more aware and validating your reality. It may even help him to see himself (but this isn’t the focus or reason for so doing).

Quote:
I did confront my husband,but did not call him in his lies, as I was spying on him and wanted to find out the truth, so thought my spying would ensure I found the truth rather than rely on him, it was a wrong call, and delayed my healing by years,and just enabled him to continue.
I would not make yourself wrong. Yes, it was unhealthy (obsessively) for you, and it did delay your healing, and perhaps somewhat enabling although however enabling his behaviours and choices are never your responsibility regardless of what action or inaction you take. The fact is, you weren’t ready to face it head on. You doubted yourself. It is apparent that you are now gaining strength where you lacked it, previously. Without that strength, when confronted he would have likely just lied and pushed you into a corner. What happened is what happened. You did the best you could with the tools and skills you had at the time you did it. There is nothing wrong with that.

Really great and thorough work with exercise 24! :g:

Quote:
I just agreed that yes, it was disappointing when you find someone does something like that..unbelievable, I just sat in silence the rest of the way, he was absolutely furious all afternoon, sulking and not speaking to our colleagues over a pen..and broken trust,that he wont be able to have in future.. perhaps it shows how disconnected his thoughts are..or that he is totally self absorbed.
I shall be venting over this tomorrow at counselling tbh it has made me wonder what goes on in his mind.
I hope your counselling session went well. I understand why you would be so upset-the irony of his ranting about lack of trust over a pen!
The thing with addiction is that it is purely selfish and many persons with addictions are similarly "hyper religious" about things that, ironically, they do themselves. Maybe pointing fingers elsewhere takes the focus off of them. It could also be that a person with addiction often lacks empathy and the ability to realize their impact on others (or in pure denial of it, likely a form of self preservation). He may also have been alluding to you taking the underwear out of his bag, using someone taking his pen as a way of venting and lashing out at you. Only he knows, and you are right that he probably doesn't really know.

Great work to date, Jenny56. Continue to take care of you!

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2016 1:50 pm 
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Thankyou, for the comments. They echo what my counsellor says,so gives me strength and stops me becoming bogged down in feeling I should not be forcing any issues..years if emotional manipulation has ensured I doubt my actions and still find myself believing what my husband says about my behaviour and emotions, I can see he has his own agenda for ensuring i do not rock his boat. I am in a place now that I recognise how his words and actions are designed to stop me bringing up anything,or challenging him. In fact last night he was sulking,and looking angry, I asked why he looked so angry..thinking he was wanting to watch a different program than i had on,etc..but he burst out with "here we go again"...obviously he thought another intimate conversation was about to begin..it wasn't, but he used that comment in a way that would make me feel like the nagging wife about to have a go again..something I know I quite the opposite to how I have always been, it was so clear to me how he was trying to make sure I didn't start.
At present I am doing the self health, after doing research into divorce etc as well.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2016 12:03 pm 
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Further to exercise, I have researched divorce, I feel I am not able to go that rout until I am stronger and perhaps I am through caring for my mum, plus the kids rely on their home.

My counsellor told me I need to confront husband with the fact I threw his clothes stash,so I plucked up courage to do it calmly, his reaction was he thought I had been to counselling...when I got in he was lieing on the bed pretending to sleep, then said he had come him early to take me to lunch...but it was too late now..it was one oclock...i saw it as it was, more controlling behavior, punishing me for jot being at him waiting...
As I told him I had thrown clothes and counsellor said I was to be open and voice what I did etc..he said I was doing things by numbers .believing and doing what ever others told me,I explained how that wasn't the case..he said he already knew, and I said I had guessed as he had started talking agressively to me, turning any comment I made lately into me "not allowing him to do anything"

Sad to say, he said nothing during me opening up and telling him about how I wash going to stand by if he dressed and used porn while alone in house with daughter..he denied doing that of course
As it became clear he wasn't going to say anything..he kept answering the quiz show question throughout as I I was interrupting..i feel hope has gone, I said I felt he had issue with intimacy and emotions as he never spoke about any thing serious, and I needed to hear his side of things...nothing..i can only think I he doesn't say things..it means he doesn't feel them,he shuts down which makes me feel he is brooding
I told him I would call him out over hurtful things he says to me, ie the constant "not allowed"..as I see its him trying to shane me into not questioning anything..
So, will see..i feel unburdened as I also told him about the thongs, and the glitter incidents, I hope he has got the message that I cant go on bottling up and playing cat and mouse, ...


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2016 5:26 am 
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I have been striving to monitor myself daily
Ex 26
Questions

Have you taken responsibility for your own life today

Have you nurtured yourself today,if not when last

Have you violated any of your values today,

Were any of your values violated today, if so how did you react

Have you turned thoughts from negative to positive

Have you maintained healthy eating etc today

I have asked myself these questions, and hope after unburdening my self and feeling free from guilt from ignoring my values, I feel stronger.

I gave refrained from obsessing today, and from checking. I feel I have drawn a line under that, I have laid out one boundary for husband about dressing to get off to fetish porn when daughter is alone in house with him, he said he hadn't,but then shrugged etc..i didn't tell him I had put a webcam up to check and saw her pass by the bedroom door..and then seeing him viewing and dressing not five minutes later. I havent an idea of the consequences if he does, but even telling him I wont stand for it is a huge step for me.
I did not search today..i caught myself,
I brought myself some pearls to start up making jewellery again. I have started reading again and enjoying it very much..though I find myself reading a book concerning a counsellor and a husband who isnt who she thinks...followed by a murder chiller about a narcissistic sociopath,who is also a love addict...so strange
I commented on art classes to husband and he said we could both do I..so we will see.
I am finding it helpful to look back on the day, and to be able to catch myself before I slip into negative emotions and thoughts


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2016 4:37 am 
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I will be starting the weekly monitoring soon, but at present I need to keep daily,to keep myself focused
I have been finding a huge jealousy lately, illogical..perhaps nit though. As now I know husband becomes infatuated and objectified, I am feeling insecure,and realise I have always felt this..the feeling that I sm invisible to my husband when in company.
At work I found my self feeling horribly jealous of yet another new female co worker..hardly being able to stand my husband joking with her, but it is getting through to me that this is futile, and I will be hating every female he looks at or is friendly with, it is my own total loss of trust in my husband feelings for me that has made me feel insecure,it is my husband who is the person in the wrong,no woman,they have no clue. If he goes beyond acceptable behaviour, it is me who needs to be able to have boundaries. so this is something I am working on,


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