Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Wed Dec 11, 2019 6:05 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 67 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2016 9:49 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Ex 28a

List objective things that would show my life was out of balance

Obsessing over what he has done,may be doing or may do in future. I used to be able to spend hours doing this, painting all sorts of scenarios.

Spying, and checking his wardrobes,bags,pockets,pc,phone
I became unable to stop doing this at various times, just searching and searching for answers,truth..

Putting myself down for being a failure,whether it was as a woman,a wife, ugly,useless, or after discovering I wasn't me, for choosing him,for bring blind,naive,gullible, or weak for putting up with it.

Doing things to please him, and ignoring my self, with little comments,passive aggressive talk etc, put diwns

Eating too much, comfort eating,distraction,self punishment through eating. Either I stop eating, or I over eat

Drinking too much to numb myself, to stop thinking

I know if I start doing these things I am slipping back into poor life balance

28b

List what husband may be holding back/faking on,and what he is being sincere about

I feel he is denying he has any SA problem, he will not discuss it at all.
He is faking that he isnt acting out
He is holding back much of what he has done,is doing,wants to do.
He is holding back on true intimacy,physical and emotional

I feel he is sincere in trying to stop hurting me
He is sincere in trying to show he loves me with thoughtful things done for me

28c
Six months down line, signs he is struggling with healthy life balance

He overworks, to avoid time at home
He becomes distant and does not interact with any intimacy or physical closeness
He sulks, or becomes angry,irritable
He will become secretive
He will begin blaming me for things that go wrong, act as if I am a milestone round his neck.


Last edited by jenny56 on Tue Nov 01, 2016 1:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 12:40 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
29a


Spying,checking obsessively

Drinking too much

Following him around,driving to his work, or touring around to try to see where he was

Spying...

I felt I had no idea what he was thinking, I thought for warned was for armed..thought I could be one Ste ahead, would be able to protect myself if I knew what he was doing..thinking..possibly seeing
I felt I had a right to know,as he was deliberately lieing to me

I felt scared, that I would be caught, I felt I shouldn't do it,but I felt a rush ..not sure if excitement..more dread if what I would find, panic at what I would do about it..without letting on I had spied

Doing it, I was in a trance, I couldn't stop, felt a rush, of knowing things, power, control, but feeling sick anticipating the worst.

I felt relief, if i found nothing..or pain in my chest if I did, if I found nothing I felt I needed to find something..finding nothing didn't reassure me for long or satisfy me. I felt I had some control as I knew things that he didn't know I knew..but always a need to check more


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2016 6:16 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Exercise 30.
Symptoms of depression experienced


I lost all energy or motivation to do any thing. -this stopped me making friends, or taking up hobbies,clubs, or going out to work which gave me more time to think negatively and remain in a bubble, loss of identity and confidence.

I didn't want to interact with family,or be in social situations - stopped closer relationships,missed time with parents when able bodied, didn't see siblings, had no friends. Felt isolated,outcast, guilt for not wanting to interact, self worth lowrred

I kept ruminating about the past, what ifs, and could have been..lost sight of the present, lost time in the present due to thinking about and trying to relive past differently in my mind, lost sight of good things,reinforced negatives and self loathing, feeling of failure, unworthyness

Beat myself up over my appearance, things I said and did that may have been wrong - tried all sorts to improve myself, changed my personality. not arguing,having no opinions, doing as told in case I upset husband, thought if I did this or that I would be loved,desired ,ended up cutting off moles I hated and assumed he hated, put on wieght as he likes fat..bbw in all his fantasies..was drinking calorie rich drinks etc all day. Made me sluggish and out grew clothes, re enforced self loathing when husband(who I knew fantasised and looked at bbws and fat girls)made fun of me, called me unpleasant names due to weight gain..and acted as if he didn't like it,while all the time viewing bbws etc

Very short tempered with kids - as he was, I assumed they were causing him stress, so I put him above them, also I couldn't find it in me play or listen, l didn't take them places or do as much with them as I wish I had..i was too obbssessed with husband,caused me guilt and feeling a failure as a mother

Couldn't do anything,just wanted to sit around on my own - missed out on getting out,seeing people, making friends, learning new things, pushing myself or doing any thing for my own pleasure, further enforced the feeling I was good for nothing and couldn't do anything

Started neglecting my self, no attention to health or appearance - stopped dressing up, looking like a woman,as nothing worked, couldn't be bothered to wash hair, stopped cleaning teeth for a while, till I snapped out of it..luckily was only a short time, as I was in self destruct mode. Felt ugly and self esteem totally shot,

Started eating wrong foods, sweets, and drinking too much - again,self destruct, I didn't care if healthy, comfort eating and trying to be a bbw...drinking as it number any feelings for a while.

Other things

My daughter having pastural help at school due to being selective mute
My dad being ill and then Dieing of cancer and looking after, taking to appointments arranging care and giving care to him.
My mum with dementia and looking after her and her affairs

My eldest unplanned pregnancy and having to live with us till baby was one,
Two other kids having to come home after finishing uni, so now four adults and young adult in a three bedroom house..downstairs room used as bedroom, no space, no privacy.etc


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2016 9:45 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
I have taken the porn filter off the pc..it has been a couple of weeks..and all the time my husband has been moaning about the slowness of the pc, how he cannot access his email..(mine has been fine..) and has been threatening to thru oc out of window if it keeps being slow. During counselling it was brought up what I was trying to achieve by the filter..that he could find access elsewhere.. In my mind I was grasping at the straw if hope that some break in his m to fetish porn,he would somehow be able to see he had a problem...plus it gave me reassuresnce he wasn't doing all sorts on oc while i was out...
I am worried now I took it off, but the reality is that I was still checking sites he had viewed..still easting my time on his addiction. I am not sure how I feel just now, the imagining is kicking in...
Plus I still feel I need to tell him of thirty years of crushing doubt and worthlessness because of how he treated me...because from his reactions he seems to feel he did nothing wrong as he was cheating


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2016 11:43 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
This exercise comes as I was bursting with the need to get through to husband how this isn't just an isolated pain about the last d day, that can be forgotten about as he is not viewing porn at present and trying to show me attention, I have a see need fir him to realise my whole character has been affected by the ongoing way he has acted, in ways that made me feel insecure, unloved,undesired,second best, a faire as a woman due to his lack of needing intimacy,his lies and blaming ,secrecy,coldness,irritability and sexual anorexia towards me for thirty odd years.


Last edited by jenny56 on Thu Nov 17, 2016 11:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2016 11:50 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Ex 30
List the consequences for your partner of their behaviours

Lack of true friend ships
Loss of intimacy and bonding times with me,and other family members
Loss of career progression
Loss of pension,as too wrapped up in the moment
Loss of peace of mind,always having to watch his back
Loss of openness as he cant speak as his true self
Loss of closeness with his children
Loss of times enjoying family life
Loss of respect from me
Loss of my unconditional love and putting him first
Loss of my trust
Loss of integrity



B, list any consequences he should face

Reprimand from work over ,voyeusm, inappropriate behaviour on premises,
Loss of respect from female co workers over his objectifying and voyeusm,plus taking items from their work stations

C
Hard to get my head around, I have not blamed him in confrontation..i have asked why, I have said how he has hurt me, I have said I believe he has Sa..i suppose trying to have him realise what he has done and somehow feel he cares about me,us.
I have used punishment, sometimes without realising what I was doing,to gain control
I put k9 on the pc, I have thrown away his stash, I have to my shame put laxitives in his food in the past

I have taken the k9 off, as counselling I making me focus less on controlling him and having the need to feel I am in control
I decided not to confront him with what I was going to, I know it will be futile going through the past and trying to get him to see how deeply I was affected and how hurt I am by him saying he has done nothing..as if I shouldn't have been affected as he didn't actually cheat physically..in his warped mind process.hr probably doesn't even recall most of what he said,responded to me with..words that I over analysis for years as saying he didn't care or wasn't that bothered about me. I know he will just not get it.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2016 12:38 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Ex 33, which codependant,unhelpful behaviour are you engaged in now

I still find i am thinking my partner is more important than me, re financial contribution, practical issues, i have relied on him being the man of the house,and have taken second place, I am in counselling to find myself again, and am gaining confidence and my own worth for the first time in thirty years,this has taken time but I feel I am getting a more balanced view,plus mortgage and young kids worries are past.

I still feel that i am loyal to the last, the thought pf admitting my relationship has failed is something I find hard to think about,and this has and does(though less and less) cause me to go into denial, fantasy,kidding myself things are ok..i don't do this very much,or for long,as I now recognise it is my mind trying to protect me, counselling is helping this.


I have enabled by joining in, and due to thinking he thought the same as me, I was all but happy to see him view porn, mistakenly thinking I would be part of his fantasy I stopped this once i realised it was not improving our intimacy,infact it had reverse affect
I have played parent role and tried to control or manipulate his behaviour, by checking, spying, manipulating outings or his time, I realise this is fruitless and has made him see me in a mother role, causing resentment, i have taken off k9, and am striving not to snoop, or manipulate..
I also felt it my duty to try to educate husband on Sa, trying to break through his denial, I realise this I impossible as he is totally in addict mode. I will continue to try communicating when it I for my health, ie voicing my feelings on something,but I will try not to preach or analysis him..i cant be his therapist

I had become dependant, taking a child role, not voicing opinions and letting husband control me with no voicing of differing views,needs etc. I have started bring more independant, feeling I can go out alone, and have a part time job to widen my social sphere
Not Sur about any healthy things,
I have been understanding, I have taken k9 off,and am not being so needy.
I am stuck as I feel the underlying problem is he wont talk, show vulnerability, or emotions..i feel I want to talk intimately to get anywhere,but feel its impossible


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2016 11:24 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Ex 34

Consequences for future decisions

I feel I have to think seriously about anything now, deciding if this is right for me..not for US as it was ..plan was to move but I no longer feel I can do this without making sure it works for me and I do not lose my own financial independance,my trust in husband seems to gave gone in as far as trusting his intensions,or sensibility..
I will make any decisions based on how they affect me, and with aim to make me more independant,less reliant on husband
I suppose this can only be good for me

B) i know husband had a childhood which was more dramatic than mine, though he has never discussed it with me more than superficially, his father was an alcoholic and many rows took place, i can see he would have taken refuge in something.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jan 15, 2017 11:57 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Have been otherwise occupied lately, mum had a fall, so its all about her at present
Husband has been supportive..but his emotional immaturity is evident, he doesn't say a lit, doesn't interact with my mum and stays in background or pretends to sleep.
I aim to continue lessons once I can think about myself again...


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Mar 12, 2017 3:50 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
34 continued

B) he never had a girl friend till me as far as I know..i assume he was having fantasy relationships with women,I don't know for sure,as talk about emotion,personal stuff has been one sided I now come to realise. He was very shy, he wrote me letters proclaiming his live while we were friends,and I was living,engaged with someone else..looking back,I even wonder if he expected me to feel the same, I wonder if I should have been another fantasy relationship.
He managed relationship by avoidance, working, but changed jobs after a short while,as he became angry at one thing or another about jobs.
He doesn't see his family, again being busy an excuse. But he doesn't seem to think about others.
He manages current work relationships by either putting people down, or flirting and trying to join in with the youngsters, and by developing crushes and obbssessing about co workers

C) humanizing him stops me thinking black and white, after the counselling sessions I could only see the bad, nothing else figured. He became a stereotype in my mind. Though I was told to try to think of him as a whole.
I can now see he is so emotionally immature that this is the only way he copes...by zoning out, I see he was brought up amongst addicted parents..dad, drink..grandad gambling..both emotionally unavailable,
I do find it hard though, as much of his behaviour seems so premeditated, I see it is to do with control,manipulation, avoidance of conflict by shutting me down, but much seems cruelty, I still have to tell myself Thu id his emotional immaturity and the guilt of the Sa.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Mar 14, 2017 6:50 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
35

My husband never really had any sexual desire for me, I initiated sex, I already had doubts about that when we were first dating. He told me he was a virgin, he was shy.wasn't that sexual. There were times he seemed more interested in sex, but these times were sporadic and now I realise I can tie them to times he was either wanting to act out scenario from porn..or scenarios fantasising about other women etc.
I can look back and recall acts, words he used, and now see he was acting out,I was a prop.sex at present time is pretty non existent, I have Initiated but, I feel empty and feel it is just me needing to be validated by someone who isn't interested. Also I feel he may be suppressing any urges either to show me that sex isn't anything to him or as a punishment for bringing up Sa to him...or tbh, just that he isnt interested in sex in itself.
He was very quick to sort out a flat and want to move in together, although he asked my opinion and we went to look at the, I realise he was keen to just get somewhere near his place of work. And obviously was eager to move out of his parents house,

I was the one who wanted to get married, I cant recall him proposing,but I do recall him saying we were ok as we were. I find it hard to re call details as I must have blocked it out I hadn't thought about it before.
He definately chose the house we moved onto.
My decision not to return to work was based on my fear of him not loving me if I wasn't looking after him,
Most infact were to placate him.
His decisions to find jobs far away,or long shifts,I believe were made so he could care on addiction in peace and avoid family stress of me and kids. But he never progressed in jobs, I thought he would,but he got to a level,then left, now he does a low paid job but I feel it is too much effort cor him to do a job and the addiction.though he has..is infatuated sith someone who works there,so I wonder if this decides on how ling he stays in a job,this one was a temporary fill in after he was made redundant some years ago. I feel he wanted a quiet life just so ge could act out.
The decision to move away from area once kids are out of school I fear I addict led,at present this is causing me anxiety, as I have always wanted to do this..but she he has said in past about bring together,walks etc..i now fear he will be more able to carry on addiction with
Us being somewhere where we have no connection and no family, infact my counsellor told me not to move
Any money decisions now cause me anxiety,as I feel I need my own savings,and fear he is only trying go manipulate me into leaving myself dependent on him

Arguments, generally have been about addiction, and about his making me feel bad for not trusting him
Otherwise,sadly, I fear we are not voicing anything,we only ever had one big row..and that was him telling me I had held him back, which I see was him feeling trapped and his addiction frustrations
,,,questions
Mm
Who were the five,six women you were infatuated with, when and for how long and did any of them know,or get cards etc,signs from you..
This haunts me, as I know he was being honest ..or trying to make the latest infatuation seem less important, but now I find i need to know, wondering if it fits into his behaviour at those times

What did he actually do at escorts, its a sick need, but I find I want to k ow every detail,I imagined he was only into fantasy
.but he met these people somehow perhaps I am trying to find out who he is, by wanting to know, as the character I had built in my fantasy is not who he is and I have lost all idea of his intentions his whole person. I feel he is hiding everything that is him from me.
I really dont k ow his answer, though I don' imagine affairs..i never imagined escort visits either

Did he mean to get into a relationship with me,or wad he bulldozered into it.
In my heart, I still cant see how he lived me yet was an addict at sane time

Who did he go to concert with.
This annoys me, S I had little kids,and he went with workmate..spent night,but at time told me was three of them,and mentioned not being used to being driven by woman, then about sleeping on couch at hers.. Recently it came up and he is totally telling me it was just this male workmate...I should let go, but really would like to k ow why I recall one thing and he says another now.

Would like go know if he met any contacts before or when we got together

I cant preempt any answers as my reality of him has taken a sideswipe, and seeing him with others makes me wonder what his personality is capable of..ie planning visits, trains,strange flats..all things I would never have thought was him.

..


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Mar 14, 2017 10:59 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
The interesting thing is, that through the denial..i am realising I have love addiction in a way. I am realising my mindset was not right when I met husband, I can now see that, but am having trouble knowing if I really loved him, or if it was addiction. It is a slow journey, but I am learning ow I have thought and acted throughout my life, from an early age, my thoughts and actions have been that of a romance fantasist, those realisations have started coming to the the more I concentrate on healing myself and the less I fixate on my husbands issues.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Mar 16, 2017 5:57 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
I pulled husband up earlier for casting me in a certain way, once again he started saying I was in a huff...not wanting to watch what he had on tv etc..all I did was have a stretch and yawn as it was time to get up, he has time off and I realised he was trying to distance himself again, creating some tension so I wouldn't perhaps ask for any emotional interaction.
I told him that in fact I was happier in myself than I had been for a long time. And counselling had helped
And it wasn't on for him to put his ideas of how I was feeling onto me.
I actually find this behaviour really depressing,as he is constantly saying.."here we go again, you're in a huff.." "sorry you are fed up..." Etc..
When I haven't done a thing. It can be I don't answer him quick enough, or I am looking at my phone, and immediately he makes out I am moody etc.
I commented that I could make guesses about his mood from the way he speaks,looks or acts, but I don't continually tell him that is what he is feeling. Its as if he is trying to create a wall, or excuse as to why he wont connect ..because I was in a bad mood..funny really, as he doesn't seem to realise his own moods and offhandedness affect anyone, but acts hypersensitive to others ,


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Mar 27, 2017 11:35 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Promising myself to call husband on his rude or snappy verbal responses to me,as well as setting boundaries fir the event of him starting the acting out again..today he mislaid his carkeys..i said perhaps in jacket, I got a very snarly put down about of course they weren't there..when I said he reacted rudely and had shouted..he blamed me,saying he hadn't shouted until I had said it for a second time..which I hadn't. I am watching youtube videos by counsellors and learning how to change my reactions,and I know I need to show I am not just going to accept it..i feel he thinks its ok to let off steam,de stress by taking it out on me...and as I have always been made to feel I must have done or said something wrong I have let him get away with it...mainly due to his Sa and making me feel I had to work harder to stop him doing what he was...sadly I realise I had no boundaries because of that thinking.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jul 19, 2017 1:58 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
36

I have had suspicions over the years, and times where I had actually seen things online.
Instead of confronting him, I went round the houses, telling him about my fantasies, even though they weren't mine,but his that I was trying to tell him we could do that together
I found panties from ebay many years ago, but instead of telling him, I tried to bring such things into our sex life, ..i was so desperate to be wanted sexually. But also i think as he as so unsexual with me,i was getting gratification from spying and trying to find things..in essence i had become addicted to the thrill and pain of his online activities, i found the need to know overtook me, and i prefered to get a keylogger etc than confront him, in my mind i had no conception of addiction,mine or his. I just felt our sex life could be more exciting if he had found something to turn him on..and great tension in me, and at times it did, although now i know the facts,and that i was enabling and still wasn't in his thoughts, the sex was empty and he was fantasising and getting more needy for more acting out.

Now i feel i have learnt so much, and am not caught up in emotions that made me desperate to please etc,
I would confront him, and try to get him to discuss the need he has to do these things, i have come to a point where i wouldn't put myself down,or accept the behaviour.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 67 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group