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 Post subject: Re: ana13 healing thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2016 3:04 am 

Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:39 am
Posts: 55
Exercise 16

A. Create a list of at least ten core values that represent the person you want to be. You should be able to rely on this list with confidence in guiding decisions, actions, prioritization, etc.

Learning, experimenting
Discovery, curiosity
Open mindedness

B. In your own words, how can you use these values to guide you through this current crisis (or a future crisis)?
Love: I value more the fact that I love the others rather than the other loving me. This is important in this crisis as even if it is very painful to think that my partner thought he didn't love me anymore, that there was no more love between us; I always continued to love him even though I did not Like the person he was at that time . I feel relieved that my value in Love and the strength in Love were not damaged. It gives me strength, self esteem, confidence in myself and my values.

Bravery; I am not afraid to fight, I have often fought in my life ( including emotional issues). When I fight for a good cause that I believe in ( not paying attention to what the others may think ); I have a lot of courage, strength, commitment. I realized that when I am ruminating and putting myself in the victim role, I am in contradiction with this value " bravery"

Faith helps me in many ways: to push away anger, develop compassion and build hope.

Family gives me a lot of support, happiness and balance in my life.

C. Compare this list to the vision that you created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Are they similar?

Yes the vision and the values are similar .

 Post subject: Re: ana13 healing thread
PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2016 1:08 am 

Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:39 am
Posts: 55
Exercise 17

A) In Stage Two; Lesson One, you created proactive action plans for three values to help you begin the process of stabilizing your life. You now need to expand this to the remaining values listed in Exercise Sixteen.

B) For each, think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.

C) Develop a specific plan that will allow you to maximize the potential in each of those remaining values.

D) List the 'next two or three steps' you will take to begin strengthening each value. Note: you will not be expected to begin taking all of these steps. The goal here is to gain clarity in what steps to take and to have a plan of action ready for times when you have either lost focus or have some extra energy.

Friendliness : I was so uncomfortable with my partner, and so anxious of his mood and what he may want to do etc...that I avoided to visit, contact, make projects with friends; and I am feeling really disconnected, lonely. I will reconnect with my values of friendliness, openness, creating bonds, help people around me. I have arranged many visit this summer when back in Europe with friends, my kids friends. At home I will be more open to invite kids’s friend at home at week-ends; or organize events with their friends. I will also invite friends at home for diners or propose activities etc...I will re-build a supportive friend network.

Beauty: I understand now that Beauty, Art, Nature is not just something I enjoy, but that it has a true importance in my life balance, in bringing serenity for example. I plan to work on bringing more beauty in my life. One action is to go back on painting , play with the colours, look for inspiring models (nature, scenery..), go to museum etc..

Learning, experimenting: I have for far too long put these values on the border of my life. These are part of my core identity and I miss them a lot. From September on I will be obliged to focus on this again; and so I have planned some actions during the next 2 months to prepare myself.

Optimism/ Dreaming: I am becoming darker and darker since the discovery of my husband addiction (and even before I believe). This is not me; this disturb me a lot. Yes it is pretty dark what happened to me, but that does not mean life is dark, or that all my life is dark. My partner’s recovery is at too early stage to apply optimism yet. But I can look at the other area of my life. Stop focus on the status of my relationship. But look at my kids, at my own development plans with optimism. Make plans for the coming year and even more dare talking about what we do in 1 year time (end of the contract of my partner in Asia)

Bravery: Extend my bravery to fight my own fears: fear of trusting again my partner, fear of making projects. Fear of Letting GO; fear of considering Forgiveness.

Family: I feel responsible for the happiness, emotional security of my family. To create an environment where each one feel “Home”, loved , cared for, can express itself, can grow, etc...
Today I see that I have not done enough these last 2 years, because of my worries with my husband. I am going to refocus on my family (as a responsibility) on 2 directions: the family as a whole where happiness and love are everyday present (meaning daily actions and words); and also create strong bonds with each of my children (to value and encourage each of them individually).

Love: this has always been for me a subconscious value, an evidence (giving Love, being in Love; But not so much be loved). And I feel I underestimated the importance to consciously work on this value. That Love is not only a status, but something that evolves and that need to be nurtured. I plan to express more myself on Love with my husband; to question it together (because this is a big issue between us nowadays). Also to tell my Love to my kids, my parents, my brothers and sisters etc... the important thing is not so much to Love someone, but it is as much important to tell him/her.

Vitality: I am a dynamic person and I have sacrificed it too long. Nowdays I feel I undergo what is happening, I lack energy because too much rumination, too much emotional roller coaster. I want to get back in control, and use positively my energy. I put in place some time management to limit my time and energy spend on my relationship problems. And reserve time for constructive, positive actions. Force me sometimes to say “Let’s go/do...” .

Sincerity (Integrity): I realize I was not sincere with myself for some years; I had “guts feelings” that something was wrong with my husband, in my family; but I ignored it because of my Love and Family values. I don’t want this to happen any more in my future life. I have to ask myself on regular basis: I am sincere with myself? Do I feel something but refuse to acknowledge it? In difficult situation, what is my gut feeling. How to integrate it in the decision/action process so I don’t feel I forget my sincerity?
Concerning the Sincerity of my partner I came to a point that everything he may say/do I am suspicious that he is not sincere. And then not in line with my value. How to assess the sincerity of my partner? How to take the risk to trust him again? Or in fact this is a possible action plan: shall I start to take the risk to trust him again?

Faith: this is a new conscious value in my life (I realized I always had faith, but was more or less ignoring it, and for sure not developing it). I will continue to develop my spirituality with meditation and prayer. I will not be afraid to share it with others. And in particular I will share it with my kids through bible education.

 Post subject: Re: ana13 healing thread
PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2016 5:44 am 

Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:39 am
Posts: 55
Exercise 18

First I want to add one value that I forgot to mention in past lessons, because I think I hold it so long time I forgot about it. This value is autonomy/independence: when I was a child and teenager, and at the beginning of my adult life, I enjoyed doing things on my own: travelling, organizing, activities, meeting people etc...Doing things on my own did not scare me, and brought me a lot of self esteem. But since I know my partner, progressively I compromised on this value (see example below); because mainly of his need for “exclusivity” in our relationship coming from his Love addiction. We had to always do things together, and if I ever drive something he would say it was “us” who did it/decided it , that it was our things.
So I need to reintroduce autonomy/independence as a value in my life. I have no clear actions to work on this yet. May be as a beginning:
I will assume my decision, choice, proposition etc.. by saying always “I”; and telling my husband when he using “we” inappropriately

A. Provide an example of a value collision in your own life. How did you handle it? What resulted from this collision (e.g. compromise, resentment, suspension of the issue, etc.)?
When I was young adult, after few years working for a big company, I got within this company a job opportunity in Spain. Spain always had been a country I wanted to discover by living there (not only vacations); and learning Spanish was also a strong motivator. Professionally speaking it was maybe not a so interesting position, but it was in a different domain and I had the security of staying in the same company and being able to change back direction later if I wanted.
When I talked about this opportunity to my partner, he was not in favor for it, and I understood , or more precisely I felt that he will never accept to quit his job to follow me. So I did not discuss it long, I took the decision not to argue about it. I chose “ Love” and “Family” values ; and hold “discovery” , “learning” and “autonomy” values. Even if I took the decision to compromise on this value alone, I felt resentment, especially as I did not really fight for it. I felt I was not honest with myself.

B. What current values do you hold where conflicts can be likely anticipated? (Use your history in relationships as a reference)

I hold Learning/Experimenting , autonomy , optimism, dreaming, vitality

C. What values, if any, are you unwilling to compromise under any circumstances? Give a thoughtful response, not a prideful one.

Family (not in the sense of staying with my partner even if our relationship does not recover , so our kids still have a “family”, or because of social pressure. But I feel I am able to compromise on all my values, but not the family as “I” value it)

 Post subject: Re: ana13 healing thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2016 3:11 am 

Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:39 am
Posts: 55
Exercise 19

A Make a list of rules that you can use to help define the boundaries of your most important values. Like goals, each rule should be specific and measurable

Sexual intimacy
1 I have the right to say no, or stop whenever I want, whatever are the circumstances
2 I have the right to enjoy having sex and refuse acts that I don't want
3. I have the right to show tenderness and intimate gesture , even if I don't want to have sex ( these gesture shall not be interpreted as invitation for sex)
4. I have the right to say when I want to have sexual intimacy and I must respect the answer if it is a no without feeling rejected

1. When I say "I Love you" the other person is entitled to believe me
2. When someone tells me he loves me, I am entitled to believe him.
3 if someone tells me "I love you", but his behavior is not corresponding to his words, I have the right not to believe him and to question him if I want
4 when I am engaged with a partner , I must be faithful ( fidelity) in terms of sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy
5 To love someone does not mean I have to seduce him
6 If for any reason I am feeling low, having a bad time (because of work , kids etc...) , I have the right to rely on my partner for support

1 it is my duty to protect my kids; in particular I have the right to protect them from unstable/ non caring people. This may include their father, their father's family; their father's relations
2. Respect the elderly and cherish the youths
3. I will not put myself and my family at risk , in terms of health, money or emotional security.

1. My thoughts or emotions must correspond to my words. I shall not " pretend" just to please others.
2. I shall not accept being put in a role which is not me ( ex: being considered like a mother by my partner)
3. An omission or pretending something is the same as a lie

1. I have the right to have faith without having to give any justification
2. I have the right to express my spirituality
3. I have the right to educate my kids to spirituality

Optimism/ happyness
1. I have the right to be happy
2 I have the right to say no to activities that I don't enjoy (my husband in his worst period often criticized me for not wanting to go out with him to bars, drinking unreasonably)

1 I have the right to take initiative on my own, and to enjoy activities on my own
2 I don't have to share everything with my husband (friends, hobbies etc...)

B. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

I have accepted to have sexual relation with my husband even if I did not want to at that time, just to please him. And I have accepted not to enjoy sexual intimacy with him (I have accepted mutual masturbation, and I am still ashamed of this)

C. Describe a potentially realistic event in your life where having mastered the use of boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.

If during sexual intimacy I feel my husband is not respecting me, is not connected to me. Now I know I will say no.

 Post subject: Re: ana13 healing thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2016 2:04 am 

Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:39 am
Posts: 55
exercise 21

1. List five of the most likely major boundary violations that you will face over the next year. How will you recognize them as they are occurring? How will you respond to them if they happened tomorrow?

if he is secretly contacting one of his past affairs ( either she contacts him and he replies or he contacts her). Not sure how I would recognize it as he is so good at lying. So I assume he would tell me. This would be the violation of Love, Sincerity and Love values. I'm tempted to say that I would ask for divorce but i don't think it is realistic. However I may ask for a temporary ( or not) physical separation; he should leave the house.

If he is lying about his behavior in the present. I may recognize his evasive answer, unclear explanation etc.... My response would depends on the type of behavior involved. But I would react strongly as I can not accept lie and being manipulated anymore.

If my partner refuses to discuss openly and at equal level about our futur plans (taking the decision by himself, or better to say in his mental logic 'finding the solution' and not discussing the issue). I would see his way of rationalizing and not considering my choices. I would react strongly(not like before) and I would insist on keeping the discussion open until we find a compromise.

If my research for spirituality , faith, is questioned in a negative way ( by anybody). I would notice the little remarks, criticism etc...I would stay humble, not fight to win the argument, and express my right to live my spirituality without belonging to a specific Church.

If I check on my partner ( secretly search his phone or laptop ). I promised myself I would not do this anymore so this would be violating my commitment . A positive reaction would be to tell my partner...

If my worries about him, his recovery (and potential slip, relapse) spoil my happiness and impact the happiness of my family and relatives. I think especially at these 3 weeks in August he will be on his own in Asia and I will be with my kids in Europe. I would notice emotions like anger, anxiety; the lack of energy, impatience with my kids, difficult to smile and laugh. I would repeat to myself that I have no control over his recovery, and his addiction. That I am responsible for my happiness, which impact my family happiness. I would use my support system, resources .

2. List five minor boundary violations that you will likely face over the next month. Write out how you will likely respond to each.

If my partner is getting drunk with his friends when I am not there or when I am with him. I will remind him that he agreed that he has a problem with alcohol, and that he should not over drink when socializing.

If my partner is getting depressed and this affect the family atmosphere. I would remind him that his family obligations does not allow him to disturb the family .

If my partner is telling 1/2 truth
I just got an example yesterday of discovering that 1 month ago he replied to a question by 1/2 truth (or minimization): I felt uneasy when we discussed the full truth because he claimed he told me. but this was only half truth so I have the right to feel that he lied to me. And I am going to explain this clearly today to him. That this is my boundary (1/2 truth = lie) and that as long as their are lies, trust can not be build.

If I am ruminating, and so lacking of energy, optimism, happiness. I would use my support system resources to refocus. I would remind me that playing the victim is the easiest; that I am courageous and I am able to fight for what I want, my values.

3. Over the past six months, you have no doubt violated the boundaries of others (innocently or otherwise). List a few of these and share whether or not you were aware that you were violating their boundaries at the time.
I checked my husband phone and laptop to find evidence of his lies. Honestly I knew I was violating his boundaries, but this was the only way to put in front of him the proof of his lies and that his 'romantic affair' was not the problem alone, that he had a bigger problems.
I did not care for my children as I should have, because of my emotional status. They have the right to expected being protected and cared for by their mother. They have the right to know that I have problems (and that they are not the source of the problem in any way).

 Post subject: Re: ana13 healing thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2016 2:40 am 

Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:39 am
Posts: 55
exercise 22

A. Find a place where you will be alone and safe. Ensure that, for the next fifteen minutes, you won't be interrupted for any reason. Not five minutes, not ten...not even fifteen interrupted minutes...fifteen uninterrupted minutes.
Then, close your eyes and just feel. Feel the things that are important to you. Feel your values. Feel your regrets. Feel the trauma you have experienced. Feel the wonderful moments in your life. Let yourself experience all of the emotions that come to you — though allow these emotions to encompass a wide range. Focus on each emotion and DO NOT OPEN YOUR EYES! (this is an important part of the exercise).
After you have done this for fifteen minutes or longer, open your eyes and answer the following:
1) Describe the most extreme emotion that you have ever experienced.
It happens the night I discovered he had an affair by finding by accident text messages. First I couldn’t believe it, I could hardly breath. Then I woke him up and confronted him, and his first reaction was to be upset, angry , not sorry at all. I felt this as pure rejection, as if he hated me. Then I ran out of the house because I could not breath, could not talk, could not look at him. And went out to cry and try to understand what was happening. But I could not , I was in immense shock. Like a trauma

2) Describe the most irrational behavior you have ever engaged in as a result of your emotions.
Following this night I could not sleep at all, I had to understand , I had to express my anger, I had to know what exactly he did , etc... So I was spending my nights talking with him. During the first 3 nights I slept 1 hour each night, waking up in rage and anxiety. During these first 3 nights I was the one who could not stop crying. Then like if he was waking up from a nightmare my husband started to cry on the 4th night. Then the 4 following nights I slept 3 hours each night. And I cried less and less.
Even if we tried to hide all what was happening to our kids, I am sure they noticed something. I am sure they heard things. And this was crazy to risk their emotional stability just by trying to hide something so enormous.

3) If you could go back in time and offer yourself "perfect advice" that would have influenced this irrational behavior...what advice would you offer?
You have the right to express your anger, to try to understand.
But first think about your kids: either you tell them that you have problems with their dad and that when mother and dads have problems they need to spend time to talk to each other and that may include arguments , like a kid with his best friend. Or you take arrangement so they for sure can not hear, see anything that could disturb then.
And second If you really want to understand, and if you feel there is a bigger problem, you need to think in a rational way, and not sleeping does not help. So force yourself to sleep. And if regarding your ability to sleep you can not stand your partner in the house, ask him (for real, not a threat like you did) to leave the house for this night and come back tomorrow for example.

 Post subject: Re: ana13 healing thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 12:38 am 

Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:39 am
Posts: 55
Exercise 24

A. List three or more relationship options that remain available to you.

B. For each option, consider all of the benefits that that option would produce. List them.
C. What obstacles do you see as being the most problematic for each option listed above? Are these obstacles that can be overcome? How?

1. commit to the "new" relationship ( I don't like to say recommit, I prefer to consider as a new type of relationship with a new type of commitment )
Stand by him in recovery

Optimism about the relationship and family future
Build a new relationship, based on truth, mutual respect etc...
Can express my Love to my partner
Support partner in recovery makes conditions more favorable for him to reach healthy recovery

Anxiety about his recovery and so to have chosen the wrong option, afraid not healthy recovery, afraid still lying and hiding secret addiction patterns => follow closely his recovery , ask for transparency , set up strong boundaries
Anger , difficult cohabitation with Love => don't always hold or hide my anger
Internal conflict: how to commit to relationship without forgiveness or at least Let It Go => ? Patience? Be active on forgiveness process? Develop spirituality

2. Take a wait and see approach to his recovery process and in particular to the new man is in turning into .
Support him in recovery

Benefits: keep the family together, not put an end to the relationship ( still some optimism that it can work later), Support partner in recovery makes conditions more favorable to reach healthy recovery

Difficult to express my Love, in contradiction with " wait and see"
=> express clearly my feelings and my position to my partner
Not being sincere, honest with my kids, relatives => ?
My partner can perceive that as a threat to manipulate him
=> again explain clearly the reason why I chose this option, why I can not take decision, what is exactly I am waiting for , and what would be the options at the end of wait and see)
Rebuilding trust remains on hold as I am waiting => take risks to build trust?

3. Live together but with emotional separation, more like "friends"

Benefits: keep the family together. Support my partner in recovery but rather limited

Strong internal conflicts: a relation with no Love
=> develop strict rules for this relationship
And other internal conflict: lie to my kids
=> give them some explanations, insights
Not sustainable in the long term
=> develop a plan about how and for how long this situation should occur)

4. Decide to live separated for the next months or next year by not going back to live in Asia but stay in my home country with my kids . Not a definite separation , but a separation for the "wait and see" period.

Benefit: no more feeling trapped in a difficult relationship and/or wait and see status, as if my future depends on him and his recovery. Regain control over my life.

Financial difficulties
=> look at our savings, estimate cost for living on my own, assess the income I should have to cover me and my family basic expenses
Kids separation from their father
=> give them some explanations, insights; get support from my family
Impact on my partner recover
=> keep encouraging him
Just "wait" not " "see" as physically far away, so how to know how he is changing?
=> ?

D. Select the one option from exercise A that you feel yourself leaning towards (or have already selected). Why do you think this is/might be the best option for you? What would be your second option?
I would select option 1 as this is the option that respect more my values, my vision of life. The second option would be option 2.

E. What options do you believe are realistically available to your partner? Which do you think he/she would choose?
He will actively commit to recovery and develop into the man that he made himself out to be.
He will remain in the relationship, commit to recovery but not healthy one : keep a secret part, not being transparent and step by step allowing himself to get back to sexual compulsive behavior ( wishing I would not discover it)

 Post subject: Re: ana13 healing thread
PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2016 11:05 am 

Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:39 am
Posts: 55
Exercise Twenty-Five
1. Take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with the Health Monitoring area of the Partner's Manager.
2. Prior to the discovery of your partner's addiction, how did you two monitor each other's relative health relating to fulfillment, stability, balance, etc.

I was regularly asking him about how he felt, what he wanted, if this or that would please him.., I was worried by his constantly changing mood: hyper active to do one thing, then bored ; quick to get angry , never seemed happy, in peace. I thought it was mainly due to stress . I encouraged him to go out with friends ( if only o knew what he was doing then!) ; to go running for 1/2 day if it felt it was helping him etc..,
In the last 3 years he was never asking me how I was , what I wanted etc.., when I was complaining about things like kids issues ( ex: big difficulties with the youngest sleep, she did not sleep through the night until 3 years old . And I was handling all on my own, nearly got a depression because lack of sleep and trying all the methods. When I was complaining about it he would just ask me if there is one thing he can do, but without investing himself to help me, never showing any empathy)

3. What objective signs would you look for in identifying when your life is not being managed well?
Not smiling
Not active: like no inspiration about what activity to do at week end; or no energy to do / organise anything. Being in a "passive" mode.
Always want to sleep.
Complaining , criticizing
Not listening to the others.
Easy to get angry at my kids

4. What objective signs would you look for in identifying when your partner's life is not being managed well?

Mood swings
Quick to get angry with anyone
Sexualized mind
Evasive, uncertain
Abuse of alcohol when socializing
Insomnia, sleep troubles

 Post subject: Re: ana13 healing thread
PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2016 11:19 am 

Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:39 am
Posts: 55
Exercise 26

I did the exercise for yesterday. I will try to do it daily for the next 30 days.

A. Review the following daily assessment, changing the content (as necessary), but not the number of questions:
1. Did I take full responsibility for managing my own life today?

2. Did I engage in any behavior that was in direct conflict with my vision?

3. Were any of my boundaries violated today? If so, did I act to protect them?
Pb with my partner inviting my father in law without asking me ( and even without warning me in advance). For many reasons I don't want to see my parents in law ; I thought this was clear for my husband. But he forgot or misunderstood, and he only thought about himself when doing the invitation. I express my boundary violation . Explain why and what is actually my boundaries concerning my partner's parents . I had the feeling to protect myself and to have the right to do so. I Proposed a compromise that would not violate my boundary .

4. Did I take time today just for myself (to nurture relaxation, creativity, independence, etc.)
Yes, 30 min yoga

4a. If not, how many days has it been since I have?

5. Did I derive meaning from at least three areas of my life today?
Kids: have lots of fun, playing, laughing in the forest with my kids
Friends: took time to meet and know my new neighbor
Beauty: enjoy the beauty of the forest in summer

6. Add one additional area of your life to monitor here.
Physical health : yes

7. Add one additional area of your life to monitor here.
Couple: the discussion about boundary violation was tough at the beginning. But at the end it seems like implementing new healthy rules, based on mutual respect in our couple.

B. For the next thirty days, complete the assessment right before going to bed. Spend no more than five minutes in this review. There is no need to track this monitoring, just make it a priority.

C. At the end of thirty consecutive days, you should recognize that what it is you are monitoring has become ingrained. This will allow you to move on to the next phase of Daily Monitoring — which is more of an 'as needed' phase that is discussed further in the later lessons on managing instability.

 Post subject: Re: ana13 healing thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2016 2:11 pm 

Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:39 am
Posts: 55
Exercise Twenty-Seven

A. Write out the four questions listed above in your own words.

Question 1 "Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?" And " anything I can be proud of?(self esteem)" , " any special moment of serenity ?, consciousness?, happiness? , connection with someone? "

Question 2
"Over the past seven days, were there any major drains on my time, energy or emotion?"
And " any disconnection, unconsciousness, negativity due to rumination,anger, doubts, victimization ...? Meaning losing time and energy , also may be leading to emotional chaos"

Question 3
"Given the meaning that was added to my life this week (Q1) and the events that drained my life (Q2): how well did I do with managing it all?"

Question 4
"Is there anything that I need to anticipate and/or prepare for over the next seven days that will facilitate the effectiveness of my life management skills?"

B. Add to these four questions any additional areas of your life that you are striving to develop and want to monitor. For instance, your physical health. Or your spirituality. Or your career.

How well did I take care of my health?
How much time, energy did I spend on my professional projects, development?

C. Pick a day/time each week to monitor yourself. Take no more than fifteen minutes (maybe a little longer at first) to monitor yourself.

Every Sunday evening

D. Over the next four weeks, document your monitoring in your personal healing thread. Continue to document in your healing manager over the next six months.

I will have a try next Sunday

 Post subject: Re: ana13 healing thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2016 2:25 pm 

Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:39 am
Posts: 55
Exercise Twenty-Eight

A) Make a list of objective signs that you would recognize in yourself that would indicate that you are not living a healthy, balanced life.

Sleep problems
Feeling powerless
Not smiling
"Not bothered"
No patience with kids, friends
Obsessed by something

B) Taking your partner's current mindset, what areas (listed above) do you feel that he might be faking/holding back on? What areas do you think he is really putting forth a sincere, adequate effort?

I think he might be holding on: "Offering open, transparent and spontaneous communication": he is trying, but mainly when it gives a positive image of him/his recovery. When something not positive he either omit to say it or say half truth ( and he feels he spontaneously told me the truth when I see a lie because 1/2 truth = lie)
"Vulnerability and risk": he still wants to show the best image of him. He is trying to show his vulnerability, but not spontaneous, not naturally. Is it faked?

I think he is really putting forth a sincere effort on: " The pursuit of true intimacy " , "One's willingness to take responsibility for their recovery and their life" ," One's seeking to generalize what they learn in recovery to other areas of their life (applying honesty or values-based decision-making to situations outside of recovery and your relationship, for instance)"

C) Looking six months down the road and assuming that your partner transitions to a healthy life, what objective signs would you look for that might indicate that he is starting to struggle with sustaining a healthy, balanced life?
Affirm his true self spontaneously; without fearing what the other may think of him.
Naturally comfortable with true intimacy.
Not emotionally affected when someone tells him "I want you" ( even at work).
To be naturally interested in the others, who they are, how they feel, etc.,, ( whatever they may bring him , they may consider him etc...).

 Post subject: Re: ana13 healing thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2016 1:08 am 

Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:39 am
Posts: 55
Exercise Twenty-Nine

A. List three behaviors that you have engaged in since discovering your partner's addiction that you would now describe as destructive:

Snooping: checking his phone, emails, computer, bills etc...

Starvation, for at least 2 months ; associated with minimum survival sleep; and smoking cigarets in chain

Obsession , need to see the places he had been with his "sex affair"

B. Pick one of the behaviors listed above and answer the following:

a) What decision-making process did you engage in before taking this action?
" I have to know " " I must discover what other lie" " I must see that it was real" ( for him it was more an illusion, all was objects. But for me all is reality)
It was nothing like a decision-making process , it was only driven by urge, emotion, something completely beyond rational thinking.

b) How did you feel just prior to taking this action?
Excitement , impatience

c) How did you feel as you were actively engaged in this action?
Rage ( burning inside me)

d) How did you feel after you completed this action?
Disgust ( of what he did )
Haunted by images
Deep sadness

 Post subject: Re: ana13 healing thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2016 11:52 am 

Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:39 am
Posts: 55
Exercise Thirty
A. Identify the consequences that you are experiencing that may be reflective of a possible situational depression
B. Identify how each depressive symptom may be affecting you in your ability to work through this major event in your life.

Possible Symptoms of Depression that I am experiencing, and how they affect me now :

Difficulty making decision => increase frustration , anxiety feelings. Lower self esteem ( feeling that I lost my autonomy)

Difficulty thinking about the future , make projects => increase hopelessness and victimization feeling. feeling trapped , not independent, not having control

decreased energy and motivation => feeling not driving, managing my daily life ; feeling like I am just following the flow of events . Lower deeply self esteem.

Exaggerated irritability . I am especially concerned when it is with my kids and that my emotions make behave not like I should, like a caring, patient mother should. => lower self esteem, increases frustration and worthlessness feeling. Drains energy

Obsessive thoughts, rumination ( anger or sadness) => irrational thought , even irrational behavior. Lose interest in present moment, daily life. Drains energy

C. Identify the additional events/stressors in your life (unrelated to the addiction).

Definitely quit smoking or at least for the coming weeks keep drastically reduce number of cigarets

Uncertainty of my Professional project

Return to live in Asia in September

D. Write yourself a compassionate letter that emphasizes the reality of the situation that you face.

My dear sweet me

It is 8 months your life is up side down. You don't know in what to believe any more. You didn't do anything to cause such a disaster. And yes this is unfair . Because you've never been an egoist person, you've always cared for others and in particular your partner. You always did anything you could to make him happy , to please him, to help him. And you simply can not understand how someone can be so selfish , so narcissic, so egocentrique . How someone who is a good person can can do these horrors. You are not all that at all. You are a beautiful person, with sensitive and generous heart. Today you feel dirty and hopeless. But this is not you who did all these monstrous things. For 8 months you have been fighting, fighting for your partner , for yourself , for your family, for your couple. And sometimes you feel it's too much, too long. You feel like just giving up and stay in a corner doing nothing , just ruminating ; or fly away from all that, from him. You dream not to hear anymore about this addiction, not to listen to him, to forget all your past and just start a new life from scratch.
This is understandable. You put a lot of energy to cope with the situation every day ; to see hope; to stay a loving and caring mother; to be a smiling, helpful daughter , sister, friend. You can be proud of you. You can not fly away , it would mean fly away from yourself, from what you have build for the last 20 years. It would mean erase all these past 20years. You did good things, you faced difficulties with courage, you had beautiful, emotionally strong moments; and all these made you what you are today. And again I say you can be proud of you. You have done so much for 8 months; and done very well given the situation . You just can not give up today.
You know you feel dirty when you ruminate or feel anger; but when you are active, caring, loving, helping, learning , discovering ; you feel your true self and you don't feel dirty. You feel strong. So you know what you have to do: use your energy every day to be your true self, so you can see the beauty, the fulfillment of the life you may have, that you can have today.
Keep hope, keep energy, keep Love.

 Post subject: Re: ana13 healing thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2016 5:06 am 

Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:39 am
Posts: 55
Ex 31
A. Previously, you listed the consequences your partner's behavior has had on your life. Today, consider the consequences that your partner's behavior has had on your partner. What consequences of his/her actions has he/she had to face? List both the imposed consequences (i.e. from you, legal, etc.) and the natural consequences (lost respect, shame, etc.)

Lost my trust, my admiration
Lost his reputation
Shame, guilt
Lost self respect, self esteem, self confidence
Lost his credibility ( at least with me)
Lost his image , his identity
No true friends
Lost socialization skills
Lost connection with his family
Lost his full father role, lost deep connection with his kids

B. Review the list above, ensuring that you have made a complete and unbiased inventory of your partner's consequences. After this review, list below any additional consequences that you believe your partner needs to experience in accepting responsibility for their behavior.
I know that this is not an easy question to answer as it requires you to make educated guesses — not certainties. Early in the workshop, you were asked to write a letter from your husband/wife to you — reviewing that letter now should provide an excellent start in helping you to determine what issues might still need to be resolved before you allow yourself to move forward

Experience true Humility
Really care for others ( worry for others)
Experience what is True Love
Believe in someone, trust someone
Rely on someone
Experience worrying for someone
Experience what is family, and deep family bonds.
Understand what is Respect others , respect their boundaries, their differences

C. In your own words, describe the roles that blame, punishment and/or responsibility have played in response to your partner's behavior.
For instance, unhealthy roles might include: you using blame to sabotage his/her recovery because YOU are not ready to move on; using recurring blame to punish your partner; using blame/punishment as an anger management tool; using blame/punishment as a means for gaining control. Healthy roles might include: developing a clear list of your partner's expectations/responsibilities allowed you to gain a sense of control; you using the act of blame to recognize unresolved feelings.
There are no right or wrong answers here — only a deepening awareness.

At the beginning of disclosure process I was a lot in Blame and Accusation communication, couldn't do differently. And I think I also took the " educating" role, I could not understand how an adult could be so irresponsible. I might have insisted to much and pushed him to protect himself ( denying, minimizing) and this might have delayed his recovery process ( not taking ownership of his own recovery)
Later I started to feel depressed and I showed him a lot ( constant sadness, no smile, reluctant to do anything) . I believe one part of this behavior was a natural reaction, but also there was a kind of punishment. This behavior did not help him in recovery or taking responsibility ( he did not know how to handle this, and was feeling guilty but without taking responsibility ) . And this behavior certainly did not help me in my healing process...

Healthy? I think so...:
I never threatened him directly to leave but I stated clearly that I was not afraid to leave, and start a new life one my own with my kids. I think this was positive as it was stating clearly the situation , especially that I did not accept to be considered as a burden. At the worst time of his addiction he thought the kids, and me were burden ( or constraints ), not responsibility. So I wanted to express that he had the freedom to chose to take the responsibility of a family, but that it is his choice, that we do not "need" him ( but that we chose to be with him) .

 Post subject: Re: ana13 healing thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2016 5:11 am 

Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:39 am
Posts: 55
Exercise Thirty-Four
A. Consider the consequences of your partner's behavior over the course of your lifetime. How might they affect future decisions that you make? What positive roles might these consequences play in your life?

I will never take decisions as I used to. I will be more "controlling" my decision process , by evaluating more the situation and the options in relation with my values and my life values , always consider that I can make choices, never assuming what others ( including partner) may want/think/do.
If I worry about my partner I will tell him and insist.
If I have to compromise my values I will acknowledge it, and know for which reasons I do so .
I will not take anything for granted.

B. Referring specifically to your partner, take some time to consider the addictive patterns over the course of his/her lifetime. Imagine your partner as a child. Imagine them as a teen. Imagine them as an adult. Imagine them in other relationships. Gain a firm grasp as to how similar patterns have helped them to manage their life. What thoughts come to mind?

My partner grew up with profound lack of nurturing , respect, love. His addictive partner was the only way to be comforted , emotionally relieved ( to support anxiety , stress ).
I feel that he never had any strong bond with anyone , never trusted anyone, never believed he was worth love but desperately wanting to be loved ( looking at what he could bring to other, how useful he could be)
Love ( and friendship ) for him was a myth , a mix of "passion", exclusivity.
His secret identity was his illusion of self esteem.

C. What does it mean to 'humanize' your partner? Why is this important in forgiveness and in seeking closure to the current crisis?

It means to see the man, his true self , and to separate it from his addiction patterns. He is not his addiction , he is not his behavior.
It is important to see the man today , what he is doing starting from today, and not stick the past behavior to today's image. This enables to envisage the future in a constructive, positive way ( stop ruminating, live in the past)

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