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PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2017 10:14 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 08, 2017 1:46 pm
Posts: 4

Lesson One:

A. Because the discovery of your partner's addiction will no doubt reflect many commonalities with others, it is at the same time uniquely devastating to you. Take some time to share your background in relation to the discovery of your partner's sexual and/or romantic compulsions/addiction. Share an unadulterated version of your partner's addiction with someone you trust; or, anonymously in this forum.

If you choose someone you trust, then at least share a summary of the general patterns that are in play with your partner's addiction. And as a reminder, please do not use any personally-identifying information in your post.




(I really hope I'm doing this right. I have such a problem with rambling and being unable to edit myself in life that I fear all of my posts will just be a series of novels. I'm just gonna not worry about it and use it as it's meant though I hope, to heal with.)


March 17th, 2017 was the day my world imploded. What begin as an effort on my part (yet again) to have a "talk" with my partner and see if there was anything that could be done to salvage our relationship or if we needed to explore other options, ended with me emotionally cored, crying nonstop until the sun rose the following morning. Only to then begin crying upon waking a few short hours later. I spent the next few days in a cycle of crying before my feet even hit the floor when I awoke each morning, I would then just stay curled in a ball in my bed crying and sobbing with the black out shades drawn and not getting up unless I heard my children fighting, calling me to feed them, to chain-smoke or to eat just enough of something to take more headache and sinus medication. I barely slept because I was too busy feeling my heart shatter in my chest over and over again until the wee hours of the morning before I would drop of for a nap, wake to cry some more, sleep for another hour or two before having to get up with the kids and continuing my flood of pain. I'm embarrassed to admit I fell back on an old habit of cutting which was something I had not done for many, many years. It certainly isn't how I thought things would end up when I first sat down with him to talk. I was so excited for all the ideas, options and alternatives I had come up with that I never even considered something like this could be an issue. What a fool I was. What a fool I am.

I first saw him 8 years ago, working as security in a bar/nightclub I was frequenting at the time. I had just gotten out of a 7 year relationship with an emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive drug addict and was in no way interested in getting in a relationship with anyone. Like all things planned for, it didn't work out that way. We dated/talked for only a few months before he told me he had fallen in love with me. That was only about 3 months in and we sat down to seriously discuss a commitment and what were deal breakers for each of us and what we were looking for out of a relationship. We seemed to be perfectly in sync with what we wanted, didn't want, what would be absolute deal breakers and what could be evaluated based on the circumstances. We were both against cheating of any kind and it was a deal breaker for the both of us. He had been cheated on by both woman he had been in serious relationships with in the past. I was not sure if I had been physically cheated on "technically" or not because my ex was always a big fan of breaking up with me on a Friday then begging me to take him back on Sunday which didn't matter since I would have been homeless without him as he was well aware. But I was against emotional cheating as well as pornography. I told my partner repeatedly about how my ex would go watch porn instead of having sex with me, or he would be unable to maintain or get an erection with me and would turn on porn during in order to continue with me. He would frequently tell me how if I only lost like 50 pounds and got some fake boobs I could be so hot and look just like a porn star. Porn stars were up on a pedestal to my ex and I spent 7 years hearing nonstop about them, being compared to them and torn down for not being like them. My partner assured me that I definitely didn't ever have to worry about him cheating on me or porn being a big issue as he had never cheated on anyone ever and never would and porn wasn't really that big of a thing to him. Sure he had some old porn that he would look at occasionally but barely ever and it was only whenever he had been single. There was really no reason or need for him to in a relationship. He said my sex drive was more of an area of concern for him since it was so high in comparison to his and he was more afraid I would need some kind of porn or toys to keep myself satisfied since he didn't know if he could keep up. Everything was great initially though. While it took us many months to actually have regular intercourse due to him not being able to get or maintain an erection (which should've been a red flag for me, I know now but he's almost 10 years older than me so I thought it was an age thing) we were still incredibly sexual with each other and would spent entire weekends naked in bed with each other just reveling in each others bodies and only getting out of the bed for the bathroom. Things stayed great for about that first year maybe year and a half and then things began to drop off. Not only did the frequency and interest in sex dissipate on his part, but the way he treated me in general changed. He didn't seem to care about my feelings as much anymore. It wasn't only the little things that end after every honeymoon phase of relationships is over but even things that were nothing but purer selfishness on his part.As each year went by, he became more and more emotionally unavailable to me and our sex life went from us having sex daily, to a few times a week, then a few times a month. A few times a month became between 10-15 times a year, then 5-10 times a year until finally we had sex August 2015, then January 2016 , again at the end of September 2016 and then this March 2017. Night after night I sleep next to a man that claims to love me and in a 2 year period can't even be interested in me sexually. The times we do/did have sex, I was nothing more than just a stand in for his hand. It has been years since we did more than just f**k. He used to engage in foreplay and be interested in whether or not I was even turned on and seemed to care less about himself and whether or not he would ejaculate and more about if I was enjoying myself and if I felt good about myself. I never even knew someone could be addicted to pornography. I guess in theory I know people can be addicted to anything. As someone in recovery from an opiate addiction, I know all too well how much a compulsion can take over a life and spiral out of control before you even realize it, but I guess I never thought something like this would be an issue and I struggle to not go into my own spiral of feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness for not being sexy enough, for not being able to turn him on, keep his interest, etc etc. I remember finding text messages on his phone back in the beginging of our relationship from his friends. One friend in particular seemed to love sending multiple pics a day of naked girls in varying levels of undress or genres of porn. When my partner saw my reactions to the texts, he did eventually ask his friend(s) to stop sending him texts like that and I thought that was the end of it. Here and there, I would catch a pic downloaded onto his phone (this was all before he had a smartphone. we jumped onto the smartphone bandwagon late) and he would blame it on a random text so and so sent and would immediately delete it. Then I noticed explicit or just inappropriate movies, etc, on the netfllix accounts and xbox live accounts he had at his house. Since the only wifi, and xbox was in his bedroom and he didn't have cable, his children would practically live in his room so he played dumb and I lectured him endlessly on being more proactive with parental controls on devices and not letting his children become sexualized at an early age. The inappropriate items on there got more hard core I guess you could say and I developed opinions of his children that wasn't fair to them in hindsight and created a strained relationship between them and myself which dissolved into an eventual hatred they have for me along with every other member in his family. Once he got a smartphone, then he was always on it. He couldn't keep it charged. I would sometimes find inappropriate pics, videos, websites, etc on there but not very often and he could usually and easily blame a co-worker for sending him this or that or telling him to look something up but not telling him what it was, etc etc etc, Never his fault or doing, just a victim he was and I fell for it time and again. Then I bought him a kindle, along with his children. Next came dirty books and movies showing up on everyones kindles, including my 5 year old daughters which he blamed on his kids and even if it had been his childs fault that one particular time, it was his fault for exposing his children to sexual images at a young age. He stopped coming around anyone and everyone eventually and would just sit in a room by himself for hours on end when he was home, either on his phone or his kindle. He was always just "playing one of his mmo games, watching netflix or watching youtube videos" for his hobbies and yet when anyone came into the room, he would immediately close out of whatever he was doing and calmly lay the device down as if he was trying to give the person his undivided attention instead of hiding what he was really doing.
Early on in our relationship when our sex life first started to slow down, I tried to make myself more appealing to him. He seemed to really be into a pair of boy short underwear I had to buy for an outfit so I went out and bought a bunch and started wearing those instead. Then I dyed my hair black and started wearing darker clothes since he seemed into "goth" girls, then I began growing my hair out, changed my makeup, dyed my hair red, cut bangs, changed style of dress again, cut hair short, dyed it again, changed makeup again, started wearing dresses, grew my hair long, changed makeup again, stopped dying my hair, etc etc etc. Looking back at pictures of myself over the last 8 years is like looking at multiple different people who may all be in the same family but definitely are not the same person. Still I tried though.I tried everything I could think of to get him interested in me. I asked if he wanted a threesome, he wasn't interested. I tried a sub & dom relationship with him where he wrote down a series of rules I had to follow or be punished but even that didn't ever turn into anything sexual. I tried everything I could think of or offered it in hope of finding that magical key that would make him want me again. Nothing worked. I proceeded to give him blow jobs multiple times a week, sometimes daily without ever getting anything more than a "thanks babe" in return. I would always make sure to do it on the nights he had to go work a security job so that he would be satisfied enough to not be interested in or tempted by another girl. I made sure to pay attention to every little reaction he had or made so that I could be this "blow job champion" and be worth more to him. I actually haven't even received oral sex myself since 2012 because I became so insecure about my genitalia due to a series of comments from him and then additional comments he made about how much he disliked "going down" and his annoyance with me the rare occasions he would go to that I finally I just refused to allow him anywhere near there and after 3 times of me doing that, he never attempted again. Sex became this miserable experience for me where I would want it so bad for weeks and weeks because it was the only time he even seemed to notice I existed to then wishing I was dead afterwards and crying myself to sleep while he snored away beside me. I used to be very sexual and initiated with him frequently early on in our relationship and would have fun and be playful sometimes to then making it known that I would never ever ever initiate because I couldn't handle the rejection anymore. He was always "too tired" and "it wasn't his fault that I was only in the mood at night when he was tired from working and not when he woke up" like he was. Instead of fun, playful or passionate lovemaking, we had 5-10 minutes of perfectly choreographed sex which involved no kissing, no foreplay, no touching besides the 3-5 mins of uninterested touching he would do of me before I just finally moved into position for him and then threw a pillow over my face and waited to see if he could finish without me "performing" for him or if I needed to start moaning, etc so that he could finish using me. Most of the time, I would lie and say I finished too even though he knew I was lying and I could tell he knew but I was just so tired of wasting my breath at that point to talk about it anymore and just let it be yet again so I could cry in peace. Years of that with no other contact or kind words in between unless I fished for a compliment. The only contact ever between us was holding hands. So I finally figured he was gay. I sat him down, I started talking about my suspicions and even sat there like a fool crying about how much I wanted to see him happy and would help him start this new chapter in his life, blah blah blah and that's when he told me he had no interest in pursuing anything with men or anyone else for that matter. He still wanted me and only me, he was just spending too much attention and time on porn and maybe he needed to not do that.
I couldn't believe that was it. Porn! Goddamn porn. All these years of pain, loneliness, tears, misery, begging and pleading for him to spend time with me, notice me, see me, anything at all and he was busy running to porn. All the minutes and hours I spent alone while he spent it with his 'girls'. He was busy in a relationship with them for years while I was the girl on the side that wasn't even getting the pleasure of side action. If he was horny, he ran to them. If he was bored, he ran to them. Tired? Them. Sad? Them. Hurting? Them! They got all of him and I got nothing. I got tears in the darkness, low self esteem, social anxiety, weight gain and lost the will to live. He says he's only ever looked at porn all these years but I don't believe him. It's hard to believe someone that you find out was living this secret life for so many years and lying and hiding things so flawlessly without breaking a sweat. I wonder if the person I loved so much is even someone that really, truly ever existed. I know he hasn't fully disclosed to me because I haven't really forced the issue. I don't think he's capable of telling the truth and I'm not interested in hearing more lies so I'd rather just wait until the day comes that I think there's a chance he could be honest for a change. I wonder if that day will ever come though. He learned at a very young age that telling secrets results in abandonment, pain or death and that was just re-affirmed repeatedly into his teen years then early adult years as well so I can't blame him for not opening up but I can't trust him without it either. I don't even know if I want to trust him ever again though. I've had my own trust issues as he always knew and once someone lies to me or breaks my trust, thats it. I dont risk trusting them again nor risk my heart again. I know in my soul that I need him in my life in a capacity. But it does not need to be as my boyfriend/husband/lover/whatever. I cannot be in a relationship with someone that isn't able to put in and give the same amount of themselves that I am giving. The effort he put into destroying our relationship so that he could have relations with his fantasies could have given us an amazing life and future if he had put in even 1/3 the effort. He told me he was stopping with the porn, he was stopping the masturbation, he was going to work on fixing our relationship and blah blah blah, different song but same dance we've done a thousand times before. I bought sex and porn addiction books a few days after I initially went buck wild spending money on every single software monitoring app and/or program I could find for every device we own. I showed him the books I bought, even bought another kindle and set it up on it's own account so that there was little chance of children seeing anything inappropriate. I found numerous websites, support groups, etc etc. I, I, I, I.............. yes that's right..,....... I. I did these things. He was supposed to be the one making the change, making the effort and as usual I was the one doing all the work while he watched tv, played video games, napped or did chores. Now I'm done. I can't do it. I don't want this life. I don't want to be worthless. I'm tired of being nothing. I spent way too many years in therapy for my own traumas in the past and I got myself off the opiates because I didn't like what it was doing to our relationship and I did those things on my own because I wanted more out of life. Not because someone else told me to or wanted me to. I did it because I wanted it and I wanted to treat the ones I loved better than I had been when I was sick. Now it's up to him to decide if he wants to stay sick or get better and I can't get better for him. He's joined the site but hasn't done any work as far as I know, just like he hasn't read any of the books yet that were bought. But I can't keep holding my breath and getting hurt every time my hopes get dashed again. I'm going to work on my healing because I deserve better than this and I want better than this. All I can do is nothing and there is so much sadness in that but it is what it is.


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2017 9:09 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 08, 2017 1:46 pm
Posts: 4
Exercise Two
I. Take at least twenty minutes to be alone. If you have a family, ask them to respect this time that you are taking. Make sure that you leave your cell phone off. That the dog is fed. That there will be no distractions. Take a walk by yourself. Sit alone on the beach. Find somewhere secluded and then, think. Think about who you are, the life that you have led, and the life that you want to lead from this point forward. Think about your legacy as a wife, mom, sister, friend. Create a vision that represents the real you. The one that you will be reconnecting to on your path towards healing.

My Vision for my Life
I see myself reconnecting to the girl I used to be back before I ever experienced a relationship with another person. Back when I was just "me" and saw the world as being an amazing, open place full of possibilities and found beauty and joy in the world and all the things it had to offer. I see myself spending more time outdoors in nature again. My bike will no longer gather dust sitting indoors, nor will I be able to keep tennis shoes in perfect condition for months on end because I am not using them. I will go to my favorite state parks and trails. Just to enjoy the gorgeous, untamed beauty in the wilderness and all the creatures around. I will make sure to get at least one day every week to go to a park or trail so that I may reconnect with myself and let the larger stressors of my week melt away. Daily, I will go outside, whether in my yard or to a local park or forest, for even a few minutes to help center myself and soothe my mind. I will begin meditating again. I will make my spiritual health a priority. I will get back to starting my day with stretching and yoga. I may be almost 2 decades past my teens when I took care of myself and made my mind, body and spirit priorities but I will learn from my youth and recapture the earnest nature I had about life. I will eat healthy again. I will go back to seeing food as fuel for my body and choose the best fuels to keep my "machine" in optimal condition instead of using food as something to punish myself from or punish myself with. I will be taking the medications I need to live in the manner I am supposed to and see my doctors regularly like I should. I will also start seeing a therapist again to help me to finally grieve those I have lost and deal with my issues instead of burying them. I am going to be comfortable in my skin again and confident in who I am and what I want from life. No longer will I hide from the world and friends because I allowed myself to believe I was something to be ashamed of. I see my friends and I getting together and enjoying activities outside of our children's lives and interests. My children will see that the Mom they had when they were younger is still here. I see us spending less time glued to electronics and more time outdoors playing or even just sitting together inside, being emotionally present and available to each other. I am no longer making excuses for why we can't do things because the thought of dealing with possible unhappiness from any of the kids is more work than I feel like dealing with. I will have my children in therapy as well so that they can learn good, healthy coping skills for themselves before they are grown and gone. I will be a role model for them again and a Mother that doesn't seem to disappoint them at every turn. I see myself showing my children all the magic and beauty in the world that I had been blind to for too many years. I will teach them to be curious, brave, kind and to live each day fully for themselves and love with their whole hearts. This is how I will be living my life each and every day and I will know that even on the bad days, it will get better.


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