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PostPosted: Fri Apr 28, 2017 9:20 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2017 9:44 pm
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Lesson 1 Exercise 1 A Background Story

Going back to the very beginning, I met my husband at our work who was introduced to me by a mutual friend. We went out and quickly realized the major age difference. Me, 18. Him, 26. We agreed to simply "hang out" as friends, but somehow, within a couple of weeks, we had our first kiss and was officially dating. We couldn't keep our hands off one another and was having sex every time we saw each other (every day), sometimes 2-3 times a night. I felt beautiful because of it and set myself to pleasing him, even if I was too sore or it hurt when we had sex.
No surprise, I was pregnant about a year later. Found out on Easter morning. Thought he'd leave, but he stayed and said that he was ready for a family if I was. Went apartment looking, found one and then broke the news to our parents. They were upset with us, but simply wanted us married. So, the first available Saturday (2 weeks later), I was married at church at 19.
Life seemed good as we got to know one another and 3 months later, we set off on a vacation that would change everything. on his birthday, after we had sex, I went into labor. 3 days later, our son Marcus was born and died. We weren't allowed to take his body home, so we had to let the hospital cremate him. I hate that. I wish I had his ashes, but at least I have his memory box. I sunk into depression. I quit my job. Slept all day. Wouldn't leave the house. But we still had sex frequently. It brought me comfort knowing he still wanted me. Later, I found out I was pregnant again. He was excited, but not me. I didn't want to lose another child. However, with a specialist, I was able to give birth to my son. He held us together.
Once our son was around 1, things turned ugly fast. I caught my husband masturbating to a woman on TV. Destroyed doesn't come close to how I felt. The one person I had leaned on to uplift me and show me my worth dropped me. Hard. He blamed it all on me and told me if we had sex more often, he wouldn't have to do that. So, I gave even though it would hurt so much I'd cry into the pillow while he screwed me from behind. I gave even though I'd bleed and have to soak in the bath afterwards. I needed him to lift me up. But he didn't. He continued on by simply dragging me behind.
After we moved, our son was 2, I had this sinking suspicion that he was doing something even though I kept giving. He'd say I was crazy. Foolish. He'd rage at me, scaring me with his anger. I'd back off because all I wanted was for him to simply love me and be happy with me. H was looking at porn the entire time and contacted a woman through Craigslist so he could get off with another woman. But I'm crazy and foolish. He'd even ridicule our sex telling me that I was boring! I couldn't believe that all of the love I gave to him still wasn't enough so I retreated ever so surely into myself; hiding because apparently my flaws were so ugly that my own husband was bored.
2 years later, porn being used heavily with me completely blind to it, my husband loses his job. Without asking, he decides Kentucky is where he's going. He leaves me with our son, telling me to pack up the house (by myself) while he goes and gets a job. 1st night he's gone, I get this dreaded intuition that says he's doing something. Find out (after I move down there, away from my family and friends) that he's cheated on me with a nasty skank hoe at a BAR. What the heck is he doing in a BAR...but then he follows her home and screws her. Makes me SICK!!! Disgusting!!! How could he wear MY wedding ring while screwing a stranger? I guess that ring, our vows or my love means nothing AT ALL. Not only that, but he STEALS a woman's panties from a ballpark and jerks off to them! What the heck?! Ugh!!! it's sick!!! But the REALLY sicko thing is the fact that when I confronted him about it, HE BLAMED ME! What the heck?! Said I should TRUST him more! Here's where I get really freaking mad...I did it! I was so freaking desperate for love from him, I questioned myself!?
Maybe he felt bad, but he tried to straighten out after that, but a few years later and then bam...more porn...and more porn...and more porn...and FREAKING MORE PORN! I'm freaking done! I've agreed for MY sake; not his, this is his absolute last time. I love him, but at this point, I'm so broken, shattered and abused that I have nothing left to give.
He's attending SAA meetings and tells me now that what has happened is all of his fault, but I'm so hurt and hardhearted that I honestly just don't care. I'm here looking at finding solace for myself. I'm not going to continue to worry about whether I should stay or not. Worrying about what my family or his family thinks of me. I'm just going to focus on healing me and that's it. Quite frankly, that's all I can give right now.


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