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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2016 8:31 am 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Hope this is right

This is the first time I have written about what has happened to me, reading other partner's posts has made me realise I am not over reacting, crazy, a drama queen etc, which is all I get from my husband when I have broken down and asked for answers, amd why it's all suppressed inside me for fear of him leaving.

I have been married for 32 years, together since we were 18, I think I have spent most of that time discovering snippets, then going into denial, always ignoring reg flags of behaviour, and distracting myself with bring up our 4 kids

when I look back red flags from beginning, but I put it down to him being shy, inexperienced, a returned letter for a woman out of a contact mag, shortly after our wedding day.. he swore a one off,curiousity,later I discovered a pile,a secret PO box, all the time he was saying he wasn't into sex much. later I put it down to me, more and more I felt ugly and dismissed. The odd video, late work nights, sex videos he had hidden, fetish mags, all the while rejecting my advances(I was,am sexual and into roleplay,fun,all rejected as he called me dirty gerty)
things got worse once we got a PC when 4th child born, I knew nothing about porn/sex addiction, but he was on PC all the time, sent me to bed once after buying me sexy underwear..and didn't follow me up, he was on PC looking at sites, the pain I felt to see he had joined. Married but looking was overwhelming,but I said nothing. Sites like bbwcontacts,fatfriends,adultwork,tvchix,birch place , escort sites, dominatrix sites, I saw him close windows,shout at our kids if they came in while he was on pc, excuses like he was looking for presents for us,or holidays..and he wouldn't bother if he got no peace, cruel lies, I never confronted,and I know now I should have. I encouraged him to share, thinking it would make him feel more inclined for sex, I thought it would stimulate him(How stupid was I) I would tell him what groups I was looking at, thinking he would be open with me, I used to ask him to spank me, or things I thought he was into, but he told me to think about something else, :( I started to spy, as I knew something was wrong,
Discovered he was buying used pants off ebay, tights, randomly emailing women, sad to say I invented a profile and messaged him in a group, the talk he came out with was a shock to me, as he shut me down if I ever tried sexy talk, or text- I couldn't beleive this was my husband.
discovered he was into crossdressing, and domination, mistakenly thought he was a crossdresser, so tried to join in, but he turned out to be using me to photograph him and then posting online on meeting sites, all the time calling me dirty gerty still and saying I was kinky, for wanting to try things,and I all the time desperate to connect,to be let in..he seemed to be intent on desexualizing me, giving me the strict wife making him do stuff..but not seeing me as a woman, bought himself sexy old fashioned long skirts.. Chatting to other crossdressers
I have gone down and down in self esteem, and have made a fool of myself -I suppose enabling him, even to the extent of joining said sites and volunteering to join in, even in chats, where I found other CDs were all too eager to please their women if they would accept it, I told husband I accepted it, only to be told he "wasnt that into it" even more humiliating was that he used me, groomed me to help him get tvs talking then was asking to meet them, I am not sure he did,
I do know I found out he saw an escort for photos, only humiliation and dressing, but I actually was on the same site where he had contacted her and contacted her myself, saw the photos, confronted him(saying someone had told me, and got him telling me he would never do such a thing, and did I not know him. I even found a long hair on his jacket, which he said was from a redundancy meeting :( I believed him, in fact he had met her three times, and had slept in her clothes down stairs one of those times, making me think I had upset him?? as an excuse to not get undressed or into bed ! all these things I kept secret, I didn't have the courage to tell him, or confront him, as I was thinking I would lose him because obviously I was so useless.
That was the hardest time of my life, him looking in my eyes and telling me I was mad to think he would do that sort of thing.
then within days he was telling her he was ready for films..but could he wear a mask(blatantly because he knew I had seen his face in the previous photos)
so on it goes, me dressing and spanking him, then him immediately looking for more, for other men to join him with escorts, the more I gave, the more it seemed to egg him on to act out and go further
so I stopped,I felt like a prop, it wasn't intimacy, we weren't closer - I felt even more left out, used, discarded.
he spent loads joining sites, and arranging to go see escorts, though I don't think he visited them, I only know of the one and a CD who dressed him and took photos, oh and oral- I told him I understood, and it was the secrecy I couldn't take, but I suppose he was ashamed, because he said he didn't enjoy it and wouldn't do it again, yet the sites he goes on are mostly sissy punishment amid more and more outlandish ones
and I cant compete,
the last thing which I can't get through at present is the co worker, I found a poem to her, on the floor, confronted him and he blamed me, lack of kisses and cuddles(I was looking after a dying dad and mum with dementia) he offered little support. And in truth I had given up initiating because of out and out rejection and humimiation
, she was a BBW which he as always seemed to go for online, emailing women lurid things, buying used pantees off ebay,
spied in his PC, an found more poems to this woman(20 years younger)telling her he yearned to kiss her, wrap her in his arms, watched her in heels etc - tore me apart, took him ages to admit everything to me, she doesn't know about his crush, he says he gets infactuated, lust(hurtful, as lust is something he has never shown me) proclaimed to love me, but then said he had had it up to here with me crying, and did I want him to go, said he couldn't work there anymore as I was likely to go stab her, compared what he had done to me phoning in votes to a pop star show for someone I like off TV, said he had been able to forgive that because he loved me?? I looked in his car boot and found high heels x 2 pairs, one large, one smaller, all sorts running through my head, shower stuff with womens underwear, so I assume he is hiding stuff at work, I find myself reeling wondering who he is, and terrified he is found out. He continually said I was controlling him checking on him when I asked where he was off too, or if I offered him a lift. said I was making him feel guilty, when ever I say anything he says he" isn't doing anything", like a sort of belittle meant and invalidation of what he was doing , I told him it isn't just about what he may be doing, it's about how he treats me in the mean time, and why he does these things, that I feel he does it because he doesn't love me and is planning to leave me. I have squashed it all down again as he gets very passive aggressive, sulking, etc.
He thinks each incident is unrelated, and cant see why I bring it all up, BUT its all in my head, and triggers go off all the time, we cant go out with out me crying at a song, or watching other couples looking loved up :(
I found old contact mags in the loft when clearing it out the other year, lots of stars, and a letter from a woman saying perhaps they should meet, and a PO box number, I have never told him, or asked about it, but the date is the date we first moved in together, so he didn't throw all away and he had had the where abouts to pay for a PO box number :( so that must have been before the contact letter came through to the flat.
I have tried to sort myself on my own, but I just swing from denial, burying things, to going crazy needing to know what is going on, and as my husband just goes quiet, never says anything much, I am going round and round, I know being a pleading wreck isn't going to do anything for me or him- and that he just goes through the motions to keep me quiet, and then sets about punishing me again, I have said I feel he has a porn/sex addiction, to be met with a laugh, and told to come on and lets have sex then, though in reality he doesn't ever want it, as he lies sleeping or reading telling me he has been working hard, while I have donned all sorts of sexy stuff and am trying to seduce him..till I go out and then I know he is straight up off the bed and onto the PC and relieving himself to porn :( I have used cams, and recorders, so I know for sure, not that I have told him that, as he would call me controlling, but I needed to know what on earth he does that he never wanted sex)I don't spy any more, I know the score, I realise that I was punishing myself by looking and crying at what I found, I am too tired now, it feels like I have been trying to hold it together for so long, I cant believe 32 years and all the time this has been happening-I tend to suddenly think of something back then, and then see it in a different light..a different motive, and IO cant seem to let go of those thoughts
In fact, I stopped wearing sexy clothes, or make up for a long time, because the pain I felt when I was dressed all sexy it made me feel even more rejected when I was all made up like a fool:( and totally ignored, or got a quick stoke of the leg then nothing more. something he has done since we met, lead me on then stop.
This and other sites has opened my eyes to realise it isn't me, nothing I could have done, but I know after trying to find some peace, and stop this pain and emptiness that I need to concentrate on myself, as I have been becoming more and more submissive and obsessing in making him love me, trying to stop him fulfilling his needs outside our marriage, and after months of crying every night after he as gone to sleep I know I have to do something or I will drive myself mad. its just a continual denying things and thinking he loves me and I can get him to emotionally connect, and then torturing myself with the knowledge he cant love me or he would want me and not go to a pc screen etc for his needs:( I feel he will leave me any time, we wanted to move to the countryside in retirement, now I am so scared we will move somewhere isolated, and he will leave me, or leave me isolated and carry on in full on mode :( I am wondering if I actually love him, or if I have a problem myself, as I feel I cant live without him,I break down when I think we may part. I feel totally helpless sometimes.

Last edited by jenny56 on Wed Oct 03, 2018 9:35 am, edited 2 times in total.

PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2016 4:22 pm 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 671
Jenny56 - Welcome to Recovery Nation. I am sorry you need to be here, but this is a healing place to be. I and the other partners know what you are going through. It is excruciatingly painful.

I am relieved to see that you have started the lessons. They were immensely helpful to me. The partners community forum is also an excellent place to find support. IN my case, I also began seeing a therapist who knew how to treat trauma.

The most important thing to know, and this took me a while to really get, is that you had NOTHING to do with your husband's addiction. I was married for over 30 years as well when I finally made my first discovery of my husband's acting out. Addicts blame. My husband blamed me for not being "hot" enough, young enough, pretty enough, loving name it. It's terrible to have your partner say these things to you. And while on some level we know they aren't true, we kind of take them on as true. It has taken me lots of work to heal from this kind of abuse. My husband was also sexually and romantically anorexic with me and blamed me for it. But the truth is, he was protecting his addiction and was so fearful of intimacy and so addicted to intensity that he chose his addiction every time. This is a painful reality.

As you know, it is time to focus on you. On your well being. On your self esteem. You can do nothing about your husband's addiction or recovery. But, you can do something about your healing. It takes time, but we can heal.

With deep compassion,

PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2016 10:49 am 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
thanks, I am realising this, after so many years of thinking it was me, have spent my life trying to improve myself, be a better wife, keep the house cleaner, cook better, - sad how I became lost in all that, I spent so long thinking any day he would leave me.
Now I know better, and just that is making me feel stronger
Now I need to have a vision, that vision has always had him at the centre :( so I am lost at present,

PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2016 7:45 am 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
still churning through feelings, as writing down all the things from all these years has me still urting, though now I have read a lot of the posts on here, I can see I am far from alone in my feelings, in fact I am pretty typical of a partner of a SA
so more and more is dredging up, little things I had forgotten, or more likely hidden away, and more doubts of what he was doing other times, though I know it is pretty pointless to search for answers.
last night husband accused me of being controlling, he said it was a joke-but I feel the tension, I now realise this feeling, and that of being trapped which he has expressed in the past is to do with the addiction, perhaps he tells me this so to make me let him have more and more freedom, making me feel guilty for asking him what time he will be home etc- as he obviously was looking for time alone, or freedom to act out- I recall how angry he could be if disturbed on the PC, even though I was in the bed next to it, if I sat up and peered, I could see a window close..caught sight of escorts sites, etc and though I never mentioned it, or said a word..and he would shout at me, saying he was looking for a supirse for me, and I had ruined that by trying to look at the he was not bothering.I.had forgotten those times, and the times my daiughter would come in looking for a snack etc, and he would shout at her, and say he was looking for xmas/birthday presents for her, and perhaps he shouldnt bothter if he wasn't given any peace :( I know again he was looking on ebay for underwear from woen selling theirs-I was always too scared to confront him- last night with the control thing, I realised I hadn't been controlling him?? he ahs always done what he wanted, worked(or said he was working) long hours, took courses, furthered his career while leaving me stuck at home :( told not to be so needy as he was haivn to support us
I feel an anger that I havent before tbh, realising he has manipulated me and controlled me!! from the start, passive aggressively, accusing me of holding him back-when I never stood in his way and gave up any career prospects as he always had jobs with long ours, or far away, I never questioned courses he took that cost hundreds when we were this day he has never used the qualifications he got on the courses I think he said those things so I would be scared ot ask what he was doing..a sort of bullying me,
even when I was offered apart time job at his place of work recently, he tried putting me off by saying who would look after daughter..she is over 16 now- and that it was too hard, that he would have to stay home to look after daughter..all sorts of moody stuff, etc. thinking about it, he was really trying to stop me wanting to work there :(
I suppose there are 2 choices, either he never loved me..or its his addiction made him snap and treat me as if I was a hinderence, and now I see he gets infactuated..he told me he has been infactuated 5 times so far..more or less, now I wonder if he was just infactuated with me, as I was with another partner at the time, and he was a friend - I fell for him, then he wrote me love letters and sent them to my sister to give me :( perhaps he wasn't expecting me to leave my partner and say I loved him :(
though he was using contct mags even as we were first going out I am sure, and we never had a honeymoon period..I was all over him and he was making excuses even then:( although he was eager to get us a flat
anyhow, I feel I am working it all out of my system, I can see I have an abandonment problem, and attached too quickly to him. such a fool- I am working on that, now I ma older I feel less vulnerable as time goes by and I understand more- I think at ome with 4 kids for so many years made me very dependant,

My vision is to live somewhere peaceful, I love the south west after many holidays there, and think of myself painting and getting back in touch with my creative side, walks on the beach,
I think of having time with my grandkids,
My real vision is to be able to enjoy life, without constantly finding my mind wandering onto tis pain and emptiness, caused mainly by the dilemma of wanting my husband ot be who I thought he was, which isn't possible, as he was damaged form the outset :(
and knowing I can't trust him again, and knowing my only peace is to be free.
I am now saving like mad to give myself a buffer, and this job as made me realise I do feel so much better in peoples company and when I ma not alone dwelling.

I went out on my own for lunch yesterday, and so enjoyed it, I felt as if I had not a care in the world tbh, so long I had kept myself isolated, so ashamed and feeling a failure because I couldn't gain my husbands love, feeling so guilty as if I was tying to keep his secret and protect his character somehow- now I know it isn't me with the problem some of that wiehgt has lifted off my shouldners

I want to get back to making jewellery, and painting, I have all my stuff, but over the years I found my inspiration died.
I want to show my daughters I am stronger than this, my elder daughter often tells me that my husband is a bully, and not to let him crush me- this is how his behaviour comes across, she hasn't a clue of addiction - luckily she is feisty, my vision is to regain some of that, I know when I net my husband I was young and quite sure I was strong and was making such a great decision, leaving one addict(booze) partner..for someone who came across as caring, ambitious and a genuine honest man who loved me dearly. I feel such a fool
I am practising mindfulness, taking in all around me, which is soothing now the spring is here and I am venturing out more

PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2016 12:57 pm 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Ok,so rewriting my vision as I was still offloading stuff I need to let go of,
I want to re engage with my creative side,painting,jewellery making, walking
I want to venture out more,as I have isolated myself through shame
I have started a small Jo and this has lifted me,knowing I am not as useless as I had felt.i hope to work more,volunteer etc as childcare lessens,so I can start interacting with people which I enjoy
I will take more Tim for grandkids,and aim to take on more caring for my mother,and not feel I have to be available for husband all the time,and not going out ..coming him early to check on what he is doing.
Ultimately I want to move nearer the coast and enjoy retirement,enjoying hobbies and interests I have long neglected.

Last edited by jenny56 on Mon Apr 25, 2016 3:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2016 3:25 am 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Exercise 3:

A) Brainstorm the times when your 'gut feelings' have been right about your partner's sexual and/or romantic behavior. Include times when you feel strongly that you were right (though it may never have been proven either way).
always asleep when I got in form work when first married
caught with contact mag, said he had found it
secretive with mobile phone
staring at women when out
flirting with women at work, even though I am stood near him
called co worker on phone while I was with him in car to query work related things, and when she answered said "hello Gorgeous, in the same lilt and sleazy way he says it to me, this was only a while after I told him how old and ugly he made me feel by lusting after younger women
used to send me to bed, and remain on the PC even though I was in sexy underwear and made it clear I was wanting intimacy
lack of passion when love making, I initiated, he lay there mainly.
The times he was adventurous it was if he was practising some fantasy, didn't seem intimate
lies a lot of the time, even about things that don't matter
never has deep discussions, just flippant talk, or work related
after my dad died and I was grieving and at my lowest, and was stand offish due to pain of his rejection, e became infatuated with a co worker- showed me lyrics about being without love, be bop delux? as if I was the problem, when I found letter he said it was due to my not cuddling or kissing him, instead of emotionally supporting me or trying with our relationship, he immediately started fantasising about someone outside our marriage. to me that showed he had no empathy at all with al the times I said I needed love from him- but when it suited him he used that card on me
told me he hardly saw co corker, didn't know her second name, age etc- in fact he did, he had forgotten how often he saw her at work and how he had mentioned her many times to me over previous year
totally denies using porn, or masturbating. acts as if he doesn't have any interest in sex

B) Identify as many major situations as you can where you allowed your head/heart to override your 'gut feelings' in relation to your partner's behaviour.

going off to a course, which seemed to last longer than the end certificate implied, I was cluelss back then,
him on about co workers affair with a fellow co worker, and about that co-worker's disciplining over using phone for porn- think it was him
working late at work, I think I knew he wasn't needed to work those hours.
awkward meeting of a woman at theatre, when she about turned and he went red and looked at ceiling, she said she tought she knew him but not- didn't think at time, but looking back, that was odd
finding a long blonde hair on his jacket after a work meeting, he had several meetings which I thought was a lot, and he didn't have any comment about what they were about,

C) Relying on the experience you have gained, make a list of likely behaviors, situations and/or feelings that may trigger a conflict between your gut instinct, your value system and/or reality.

I am triggered a lot, due to overthinking now, I try not to
looks between him and co workers
is need to have mobile phone all the time
his outbursts of how I ma checking up on him, controlling him, even when I innocently offer to help or give him a lift- I feel he is over the top, so must be feeling guilty
working long hours, as often he isn't needed to
when I go out and I know he will go and look at porn and masturbate, then will have no interest in me
he doesn't seem aware how trust needs to be rebuilt, pulls me up on not trusting him when I have done nothing or said nothing
I get triggered when he asks me to help with his work, then tells his bosses he has done it all, or I say I ma volunteering to help, and he puts my hours on is pay! and bigs himself up for being indispensable and takes any help etc I do for granted, he also tries to dissuade me from working more a I work part time at his place of work, yet he puts obstacles in front of me so I find it hard to take up offers of more work - feel I like to be in his company, yet he has never wanted to be with me much, in fact feel he thinks I cramp his style, as at times he has acted flirtingly with female workers forgetting I am there


PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2016 6:57 am 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
exercise 4

my husband can be caring

but he does

always have to be right
is secretive, and uses withholding information as a controlling tactic
does like to take credit for things
does use I a lot instead of we when we have accomplished things together
selfish, doesn't like to share, at times he has shown this with our children or relatives
He can be competitive to the extreme, and gains pleasure form showing he can do something better etc
controlling-he will use put downs or put obstacles in my way if I want to do something

PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2016 4:28 am 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
this is hard, I am coming to understand that I have a problem also- I have never found myself, I have used being in love-dreaming of love as an emotional crutch I am sure of that, I am reading women who love too much at the moment and browsing other forums in an attempt to find out about ME,,rather than the previous constant search for what drives my husband, in a futile attempt to try to understand him :( when it's me I need to understand.
I have never been without either a dream lover, object of my affection-or a real bf, I cant recall a time I wasn't day dreaming about making a man/boy happy tbh looking back.
I suddenly am grieving a whole life dedicated to yearning to be truly loved and not thinking of myself. I was 17 when I met my husband, and had been in an unhealthy relationship since I was 15 with someone I knew I didn't love, yet lived a fantasy :(
I jumped from the frying pan into the fire looking for true love and some romantic dream

Exercise Five

Addiction is a rational way to manage life using irrational behavior. Meaning, there is a very logical purpose for the existence of addiction in a person's life. Though to all, the actions/choices associated with that addiction are often completely irrational.

A. How do you manage your stress? What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behavior to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress? Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such a measure?

when I find evidence, or husband acts in a way that makes me anxious-I will tend to over eat and over drink, other aspects of my life I seem to cope with, but things my husband does seem to send me into a state of panic about the need for confrontation and the possibility he will leave me, and doubts about our past life being based in love etc
when I found out my husband had seen an escort and lied to me about it to my face :( I did start over eating to a great extent, also over drinking, just to numb my emotions and to stop me overthinking
I also do masturbate, I realise now it is for comfort, as at the time I don't connect what has happened or what I am thinking at the time, I now do, and realise form an early age this was to gain comfort.
also becoming obsessed with finding out things, I will try not to do it, but will be going through pockets,drawers, the PC history, at one point after one D Day I installed a keylogger and checked his pc activity for months,
putting a gps spy device in his car some time ago, due ot the anxiety of wondering where he was going.
I have actually trawled the streets in my car trying to find him, in case he was walking out from an escorts house..madness in hindsight

B. Consider a compulsive behavior that you have engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words.

suspicious of something husband has done, or even if he is late home etc. and then feeling totally helpless, feeling as if he is laughing at my lack of knowing. I get a racing heart beat, and sick feeling and feel suddenly as if there will be mountains of evidence around proving to me he doesn't love me:( I don't want to find any - but compelled to search.
I feel so sick looking, waiting for something to pop up- if it doesn't I continue knowing something must be there- if anything pops up, I am almost physically sick- but then I don't confront unless its something big like escort visit or deposit..otherwise I keep it inside, god knows why I did that- I didn't want him to know I was spying-
somehow I felt in control..I felt I was protecting myself somehow :(
I don't do that now, I know I was making myself ill-

C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he?

I feel he would be very much grumpier,
he may also turn to gambling more as he does this fairly frequently but not to addiction level.
I also think he would sulk a great deal more,
He would hide in work,he does this a lot as it is,working long hours. When I was at him with four young kids he started getting jobs a long distance away,or shift work, he tends to use work to escape difficult emotional situations.

Last edited by jenny56 on Thu Apr 28, 2016 2:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2016 6:29 am 
Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Good work on your vision, Jenny56. One suggestion is to rewrite your vision from “I see myself” vs “I want”, as you did with “I will take more time for grandkids”.

Also, starting thinking in terms of what values support these vision statements. For example, what value does taking more time with grandkids, support? Family? Connection? Relationship? etc. (There is no right or wrong, only what is right for you).

Good work with Ex 3 and 4. The good news about 4 is that the qualities you would like to see changed are all related to emotional immaturity, which is part of his addiction. Were he to overcome addiction, emotional maturity (and all of the associated behaviours) is one of the things he would be working on.

Discovering that you don’t know who you are can be frightening, but the good news is that you now know this and you can work toward discovering and determining this. You have some wisdom of experience to guide your process, and this workshop. ; )

somehow I felt in control..I felt I was protecting myself somehow :(
I don't do that now, I know I was making myself ill

This kind of behaviour (obsessive sleuthing/snooping) does provide a sense of control, but you are correct in that it is false and only causes you more damage. Good that you recognize this!

Be well.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)

PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2016 9:42 am 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Yes,it is strange..for year I only thought about who he thinking things through,concentrating on myself I can see I have problems..i would say I could a love addict, though fantasy..including idolising people I don't know,porn..doesn't diminish my desire for my fact strengthened it..possibly due to me using fantasy and ignoring his actual actions,words...which is why do many years I couldn't get that fantasy and porn can have the opposite effect and make someone not interested in sex,oddly I am recognising my need for sex sith him,was in fact the need for intimacy..which i never felt I got, so wanted more sex..only to be rejected ,which made my need worse.
this is an odd feeling opening my own mind to my needs, values,vision..i will do my vision again,as time goes by I feel I am discovering more about myself than I ever have,perhaps the constant emotions given to my husband,where a distraction from looking to myself..I never felt a person in myself,
I am practising mindfulness too,as I realise I spent too long worrying about what has been,what might be etc. So feel more positive each day. Have email a club near me today to offer my time as a volunteer. And have spent more time looking after my mum without feeling I need to be at home in case husband comes home.
Honesty, openness,intimacy,giving,sharing,support,loyalty,faithfulness,strength and calmness in bad situations,generosity,tolerance,understanding ,all these things are dear to me,

To get out more, to feel useful and worth while,helping my mum more, volunteering at local club if they need me
To spend more time with grandkids,and kids ,not feeling I need to shadow husband in case he views porn alone at home etc
I want to do more painting,I have paints but never felt positive enough to get out and paint. The jokes about black are true,I always felt dark. I want to make more jewellery, Nd feel able to take time to myself,rather than feel I have to hang on everything husband says or does in case I upset him and he acts out.i realise he has done even when I have given everything.
I want to make some friends ,I have only had a few,and they have moved away. Friends are hard when you are living a lie,acquaintances are easy,but you cannot be open or unguarded,I have always felt shame,a failure and couldn't join in conversations about hurts listening to others praise their spouses and watch people in relationships you wish you had.

Do more exercise,and not punish myself by over eating and drinking

PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2016 1:49 pm 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
exercise 6

although my husband is totally not interested in initiating sex, he will make lewd comments to me, or about other women.
He will look at other women /flirt with women,

he will act as if he isn't interested in sexual release, in fact in the past he has actually led me on, then turned cold but I know he will try to get onto the PC as soon as he can to watch porn to masturbate. He doesn't seem to even think I may need sex, or love- in fact what I ma having difficulty getting past at present is the words he was writing to co worker, about yearning to wrap her in his arms and kiss her lips- while seemingly expecting that I totally asexual. As I have told him that is not the case and how I yearn for him..I find it particularly cruel, and a sign he has no empathy or thoughts for my feelings or needs.

He will not take any criticism or opposition from me, nor will he engage in any talk of an emotional nature and will sulk or put words into my mouth, making me sound unreasonable or needy, or stupid, often he uses passive aggressive ways to teach me a lesson.
He also withholds information as a means to control me,

this one is hard, so may have ot think about it more, and watch for more signs,

PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2016 3:35 pm 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Exercise Seven

A. Consider the role that you have played in your partner's recovery to date. In the field below, describe these roles as they relate to:

I. Effective communication

I haven't really communicated since last D day(year ago, when I asked all the same questions, I did tell him I thought he was a sex addict, but as he never responds very much, and does get defensive,agressive and saying if I want him to go keep on.. I have not opened up to him again, as in his eyes the incident of finding poems to work mate is dealt isn't, but now I know w
I haven't mentioned my thoughts on his addiction, I am building my confidence and knowledge, so I can clearly put what I feel is problem is to him, ie evidence collected over years and years, I have recently found used thongs form a womens sports team in his work jacket pocket, I pretty well know for sure they were picked up form the changing rooms while he cleaned up-that in my nind is not normal behaviour,but something done by someone intent on sexual gratification -I know he sues such stuff to gain release while watching porn- I haven't said anything , sad to say I left a print off of some text about addiction to sex/porn, and some notes about the recoverynations workshop etc, plus the url for him to find...but it hasn't been touched as yet, after years of walking on eggshells on discussions about anything deep, I am finding it hard to approach ,

II. Managing your partner's recovery
I haven't , as he isn't in recovery, he laughed at the thought he may have a sex addiction th one time I told him I thought he may be addicted- I have left a note discarded in the hope he will find and read it, the url to this site is on it, and a few notes aobut addiction etc, I am still working up to confronting,if that is the right word, him about what I tink is his problem. but as I know, he doesn't do discussions-and will turn it back onto me, so this will be hard, and unfortunately, although I am working on boundaries, I am still the one feeling insecure and scared that he will walk out, and find another woman-sad, but I do love him and am dependant on him, its been all my adult life I have spent with him and in this situation, so building my self esteem, and self worth, boundaries is taking time

III. Empowering/disempowering a pursuit of health
not sure about this? I ma making sure I remain healthy, I am eating well, and no longer sitting overthinking and depressing myself very much, I ma starting to save, and have a small job, and am starting some volunteering
I have unplugged the PC each time I go out though..not sure that is good, but my husband hasn't been able to access online porn for sure for over a week

B. Consider the focus and attention that has been offered to your partner in recovery; are you gaining equal resource to heal your own wounds? If not, what can you do to ensure that your healing is considered every bit as important as your partner's recovery?

My husband isn't even aware he is a sex addict, he didn't take what I told him about what I thought after the last D day seriously,
so I am concentrating on myself, in the hope I will be strong enough to take what I know will be thrown at me when I try to discuss what I believe his problem is., and that I will have grown enough to accept if we can survive this going into the future. For sure, I am already minimalizing things he does, that is how badly my values have been degraded and twisted, but I know this and do catch myself when I do that-

C. (optional) For those who have made the decision to either stay in the relationship or "wait and see", considering the roles discussed in this lesson (or additional roles that you have thought of), what changes might you consider making to your relationship that would increase its chances for success?

I haven't a clue, as far as I see from my side I could let go more, I have done that to a great degree since coming here, but husband still has me in the wife mode, and reads everything I do, say as controlling..offering a lift, controlling..offering to help with an excessive workload he is claiming he cant manage..controlling, so I am stepping back more and more, tying to be less of a mother figure etc, but have tried that in the past and he doesn't like it..he has me firmly set as a mother /bossy wife role-something I don't see myself as,
I wil be less dependant on him, and do more for myself-so he cant use the needy label on me-I have started a small job, and have started volunteering, I aim to get out more, and not set myself aside any longer, due to the isolation you set yourself up for due to shame, and due to wanting to be there for husband, feeling that is what they want, and that if you give your time and self to them, you wil get some intimacy, and closeness :(

exercise 8

He isn't in recovery, we are still in the stage of me knowing he has a problem, from my outside view, and all the things I have records of, and evidence of :(
I am continuing on my own healing, and assessing when I should lay out everything to him in a way that doesn't cause him to walk out, dismiss me, or just shut down, etc
he is secretive, even with day to day stuff,
he will be defensive, aggressive, and blaming if I bring up anything emotional, he cannot take emotional talk,
as he doesn't see he has a problem, and he just doesn't seem to be aware of my suffering due to lack of intimacy, I don't know if he will have the patience to do recovery

Exercise Nine

A. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is engaged in a healthy recovery?
none, as he isnt

B. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is NOT engaged in a healthy recovery?
secretive, defensive and aggressive if he feels I am "prying" in his eyes, whereas in reality I ma not-he immediately becomes agitated, he will not discuss anything other than superficial, nothing motional is ever discussed still. He is very agitated that the internet is down at times :)

C. How have you communicated your observations to your partner? Have you communicated the healthy observations as well as the unhealthy? How has your partner responded?
I haven't discussed anything about this - I ma healing myself so I can approach him without buckling immediately and crying, or not being able to face his response which will be bad, as he will not want to hear anything

PostPosted: Fri May 13, 2016 7:21 am 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Not sure what is up with me last few days, I feel like all my fight has gone, I feel detached as if I am in a dream. I have been reading the exercises,and writing my journal , husband keeps asking me what is wrong as I am quiet. I cannot explain it. I feel as if I cant go on, I have run out of fuel, perhaps after 32 years of one sided trying,passion,keeping my desire going,obsessing and being heart broken over and over ,my mind has given in. Not sure if this is a phase after the exercises I have completed,seeing things written down,seeing others posts..but I feel flat, though it feels peaceful,I am not feeling depressed,just sort of not there, i am wanting to tell husband all..but know it is wrong time, perhaps this is the bubble that has surrounded me without me thinking about it. For the first time i am trully seeing my husband for who he is, and not constantly tearing myself apart trying to get him to desire me..i had been in a fantasy drama of my own making, beating my self up,suddenly i am not and it feels as if i am a large void, i should see it as a positive..a large space i am now going to fill with my self care and wants and needs..not his. When the time is right i will tackle explaining all this to him.

PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2016 3:07 am 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Exercise ten

Three most important points in my vision to strengths now.

To spend more time with children.
I have neglected spending as much time with them as I could have,purely Dow to feeling depressed,wanting to keep check on husband,and being available to him,now realising hoe futile that was,

I could have taken them out, done more activities with them,now I could go out with them,spend time with them more

I have not wanted to work. As lack of confidence and self esteem made me feel useless, husband also seemed to scupper any attempts as his work patterns were irregular,and I felt I had to devote myself totally to being at him looking after everything.
I could have had a support system,built my career,and not isolated myself
I am now doing a small part time job,and volunteering,and actually realising I sm not stupid and that people interact with me so differently to how husband has always..i ferl he treats me like a child,a lesser I am interacting with others.

Creative hobbies,I have neglected. I was always arty, this withered as I felt more and more worthless and overwhelmed with kids and chores and pressure put on myself to apease husband and gain his attention and time..fruitless
I will get out all the stocks I have, and restart jewellry making. I want to start painting again,I have lots of paints..getting out, joining
a club

PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2016 8:06 am 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
The exercise writing letter to husband..this is tearing me apart,realising just how much I have been through and the pain I have suppressed,how it changed chance of minimalizing this,which is what I have been doing. Not sure where to begin
Nit sure the letter from husband would be very long if from his view point..if its from mine,I am not sure how to proceed as I could never do what he has done and acted they way he has to cover and hide the facts..time needed alone for this.

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