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 Post subject: May B Me
PostPosted: Wed Jul 17, 2019 8:59 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:34 pm
Posts: 92
I have been here before. A few years ago. I hope nobody minds I've started a new healing thread. Different name, a fresh start maybe. Truly starting over.

I've not sure what to say here. It's hard for me in a way, as I've already done this, once, years ago. So, I'm feeling some resistance to this, an attitude like I've already done this, why must I do it again? It's not fair.

It's not fair that my life was turned upside down, shattered to my soul, what little self-esteem and confidence I ever had was completely torn down. That even though I finally left, the affect it all had on me, didn't leave me. I carried it all with me, into a new relationship, that I'm probably ruining.

The only man who has never hurt me or cheated or lied or abandoned me and I'm ruining it with my fears and my anxiety and my inability to trust. A man I've known for more than 25 yrs, since we were practically kids, teenagers. we are in our mid 40's now. I will refer to him as "A"

the reason I can't trust, have PtSD and severe anxiety is my previous relationship with a porn addict.

I will call him "F" F is for fake, F is for f***er. Because I'm angry, so angry at what the addict did to me, what he took from me. I don't want to even use his true first initial. on the off chance he would come back here, doubtful, but so i cant be recognized.

It wasn't just a little or once in a while, and it wasn't just porn. At the worst of his activity, which was my initial discovery, he was engaging in voyeurism and what could be labeled stalking. This was part of the first D day. tons of images saved to computer. and video footage from a hidden camera he had installed in a room of the house that you would consider to be private. and pictures he took himself, voyeurism, stalking kind of pictures.

I should have called the police about the hidden camera. I should have and stayed the hell away from him. I'm not sure why I didn't. maybe it was the shock of the whole discovery, and how needy I was at that time, recently away from a very bad marriage where I had been emotionally neglected a long time, so I was just so needy. and F was so loving and affectiionate, caring, romantic, like a dream come true for me at the time.

I guess I wanted that to be his true persona, the person he really was, and the bad stuff was something else, a sickness or something and not the real him.

So over time, the pattern developed, and I knew he was addicted. more D days, more apologies, promises, lies, head games, gaslighting. typical addict speak and behavior. I think part of what really screwed me up was that he always treated me like the only woman in the world, when we were together, and that's pretty compelling when you're starved for affection, but everytime my back was turned, it was every other woman in the world, online. so i think that disconnect between those two polar opposites, really messed me up, like which was real, it was like he was two different people, which was the real person? so the cycle of trauma/abuse got me, trauma bonding, bonded to the abuser through the abuse cycle.

This could be really really long, we were together for nearly 8 yrs. I made him get into recovery, naturally. so fake, insincere recoveries, where the name of his game was trick May, keep May and that's all it was. Where he was protecting his addiction and secrets, that was more important than me, our relationship, our future. That's a tough pill to swallow, isn't it? but he is an addict, It wasn't gonna happen any other way, at least in early recovery. I never wanted to believe that. still dont. haha. life is truly not fair.

so I finally left, he may have actually managed to have a successful recovery or abstaining, whatever, he had been in therapy well over a year. but he was still acting out and keeping secrets and lying during that time, early on in therapy. he told me that much, much later. the therapist was actually telling him to not tell me what he was doing or had recently done. and he listened to therapist, instead of me. and thereby breaking yet another promise to me. so I never saw a good recovery, since he wouldn't tell me anything, about triggers, urges, slips etc. i got no info, no way to see progress or to measure progress over time. what i told him i needed. oh well, enough about that, i guess. he's an addict protecting his addition so it is what it is.

long story short, he never showed me what I needed in order to begin to trust him at all. trust his words, or anything. so i left, regardless of the fact that there hadn't been any discovered activity in a very long time. i still had to leave. I couldn't trust him, or trust in his recovery, so that meant there was a piano overhead, relapse. and i knew for sure that he wouldn't tell me if there was a recent urge, or trigger or slip. he wouldn't tell me. so my future was very unsafe, the relationship very unsure. I had to leave, just to have a chance at life, happiness, love. a relationship with honesty, respect and trust.

so, 9 months later, here I am. damaged, with severe anxiety, PTSD, trauma bonding. and I can't trust anybody, including my self. I have no faith in my abilities, no confidence in myself, not just my body or attractiveness, but my mind, my judgement. I stayed for years past signs of a bad recovery. I can't trust my own thoughts, feelings, judgements. I can't get a job, and am suffering financially.

and im with a man now that i should be able to fully trust, but yet, i cant and he knows it. Im afraid we wont be together much longer. im too messed up for a relationship, i can't be a good partner to him.

i had sort of an epiphany earlier, that I never could separate me and my healing from F, and his recovery, same with the healing of the relationship. i was stuck in that state, unable to progress, because he wasn't, and therefore he wasn't putting effort into the relationship either. i guess since he was still the addict, protecting the addiction. anyway. now im apart from him, and the relationship is no more. but thats i guess why im so messed up still. i wans't really focusing on me and my healing, i couldn't. i couldnnt separate me and him and 'us'. even though I knew cognitively that i needed to, and i knew that his addiction and recovery had nothing to do with me, but i guess i ddint' feel that in my heart.

Im sorry this was so long. I could say much more! if anybody reads all this, bless you.

I picked the name May B Me, because I don't feel like me anymore, havnt in a long time. I dont even remember who that was, before addiction destroyed me. but maybe I might be able to figure out how to be me again. maybe. I may be me again, some day.


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 Post subject: Re: May B Me
PostPosted: Wed Jul 17, 2019 9:25 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:34 pm
Posts: 92
you know i was actually going to start a whole other account, with a different name. hahahha im so out of it i thought i had. ah well. lol.

im very concerned with not only how damaged i am, but how angry at the addict, my ex. I am so angry at him. at the world, the cosmos, god. all of that. im so angry at what i turned into.

i did a very mean, vindictive thing the other day. i texted him and told him to read what i posted here in the support forum. that i want him to know that he ruined me forever. i kind of feel bad about it now. im so angry at him, i want to torture him, deep psychological torture. im not proud of that.


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 Post subject: Re: May B Me
PostPosted: Thu Jul 18, 2019 4:37 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:34 pm
Posts: 92
so this all just sucks..

I'm going to force myself to do this. I have no insurance and can't get any therapy. I kind of don't want to try again anyway, after the last attempt. Hard to find a therapist that actually gets it, SA and partner issues, so she couldn't help me, and possibly did me more damage with a comment. I had stated i was with an addict right away, on the first appointment. then on the second or third appointment, i was talking about his masturbation, i can't remember exactly what i had been saying, but she comments, 'do you know it's normal for a man to masturbate?" I said no, not when it's excessive, not to the point of self-injury, and not when he has a woman who wants to have sex, so him cutting me out like that i consider cheating. so i never went back there again. and i guess i am not very interested in trying again anyway.

it may be common, that's not the same thing as normal, and it would be the specifics around it and the frequency that would make it 'normal' or 'healthy' versus 'abnormal' or unhealthy.

and i know about addiction, and how it develops and what it affects, their ability to connect or respond to a real person is diminished from repetitive porn use and masturbation. i know all that. so what? it doesn't make it not hurt me. it doesn't make it not insulting, and humiliating. that he wasn't willing to do whatever it took to free himself from the addiction and give our marriage a chance.

and shortly after i left him, he went right back to porn, i know that cuz he told me. he would always throw me a pitiful bone of truth when trying to keep me or get me back. so he went right back to it. so he was never interested in recovery for his own sake, for his own life, just white knuckling it, more or less. the changes were only superficial, the core of his addiction remained, because he allowed it, he protected it. thereby selling me up the river. i feel pretty special right now.

ok. im stalling on going on to the lessons, and majorly venting.


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 Post subject: Re: May B Me
PostPosted: Thu Jul 18, 2019 6:10 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:34 pm
Posts: 92
. Value vision


Since i’ve done this before, im trying to not recreate the original vision too much, although, much might be similar. I think much of it was perhaps too idealistic, it was what i wished i could be, but in some ways couldn’t.


I find this to be much harder than before. It was perhaps 4 yrs ago, i believe that i was originally doing the lessons. So much has happened since then. Im far more damaged, i think than i was then. Life is a *itch i’m having trouble remembering what i used to be, what i used to believe in.

Im going to start by listing some things that are important to me.

Honesty, integrity, character (what you do when nobody is looking), respect for myself and others, love, charity, peace, cooperation, my health both physical and mental, self-confidence, perseverance, fidelity, spirituality, caring for loved ones, independence, financial stability, autonomy, my relationship with my partner. Family, my kids and grandkids.


I strive to be the kind of person others want to know and be around, honest and caring, with integrity and character

I respect myself as I do others and expect the same respect in return.

Giving to others is very important to me and my identity: giving love freely and unconditionally, giving assistance, being charitable, being fair and un-biased.

Autonomy is a personal goal for me. - to be in control of my life and circumstances, as much as is reasonable or feasible, to respect the autonomy and free-will of others.

I will work to improve myself - to care for myself as much as I care for others, set some achievable health goals; diet, exercise, quit smoking, work towards regaining and maintaining my mental health - self confidence, self-esteem to allow me to be employed, be more financially independent and stable.

I am working towards regaining my spiritual connection to the world, humanity, and my god; by seeing the good in my life and giving thanks, by meditating for a few minutes each day, by practicing my religion again and attending gatherings, when i am able.


Begin to open up channels of communication with my partner - with honesty and transparency, to tell him what my needs, fears and desires are, ask him for his thoughts, stay calm. Work together with him on finding solutions to the issues that are in our relationship. Share with him how I’m working towards mental stability

I will practice being kind to myself.

I will continue to work on becoming a better me, so i can be a better mother and grandmother, friend, and partner.


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 Post subject: Re: May B Me
PostPosted: Thu Jul 18, 2019 9:53 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:34 pm
Posts: 92
I just found my original lesson thread. more than 4 yrs ago. I only posted up to lesson 13. looking through the titles of lessons beyond that, i know I read them, but might not have worked the homework, or didn't post it.

i may have just given up at that point. he wasn't caring or trying, so nothing mattered i guess. everything was in such turmoil, I was in turmoil. i guess i still am. but its in my head, stuck in my head, even though im not living with the addict anymore.

I can barely watch tv or movies, because of triggering content. i just feel like I've lost so much, lost me. i feel hopeless, like I'll never be me again, never have a normal life, or love.


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 Post subject: Re: May B Me
PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2019 4:05 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:34 pm
Posts: 92
Since I'm no longer with him, im skipping over a few lessons. although i skimmed through some. but not working the homework. It doesn't seem applicable any longer. I'm working on the grieving and accepting part now. it's very hard. i've been grieving my losses for years, actually, but railing against them at the same time.

I don't know how much 'over it' i can be when i can't let go of the anger yet. I'm so angry. at him, the world, addiction, addicts, men, god. everything. and so sad. im so sad for all this. sad for the addicts that wallow in their pain and shame and sad for the partners who get sold up the river, like I was.

I wrote a letter to him. I'm going to send it to him. and post it here as well.

To D_

I’ve struggled over the question of who you really were so many times. Over and over again. For years.

The person that I wanted to believe that you were. the good, sweet, loving man who loved me and would do anything for me. Even when you showed me otherwise, I couldn’t believe it. I kept wanting to see you as a good man with a bad addiction.That’s why I stayed so long. Even after I left, I retained that image in my head.

You went right back to your pictures, to your porn very soon after I left. If you’d been serious about recovery, if you had worked on it, instead of protecting your secrets, that never would have happened. I never would have left.

I kept giving you love, over and over again. Kept loving you, even when I should have left, and I knew it. So many times I knew it, in my heart I knew that you were choosing your addiction over me.

A good man with a bad addiction.
But I was wrong.

Maybe there’s a good man in there somewhere, but he was weak and protected his addiction, protected his secrets, he did that, even though it meant he wasn’t protecting me.

You are a man who chose to keep the addiction which meant losing me.

In my mind you will forever be an addict who didn’t love me.

You took eight years from me, years I’ll never get back. You took my self-esteem, my confidence, my love, my heart and my soul and you traded it all for your addiction. For some pictures and videos. Maybe it was worth it to you. I will never be able to understand that.

You kept something in our lives that threatened us, threatened our future. You were weak or selfish. I don’t know which one. I guess it doesn’t really matter anymore.

I have to move on now. I can’t give you and your addiction any more than I already gave. I’m not giving you any more time, or thoughts, or energy. I’m taking back my life now. Your addiction controlled it for too long.

It’s over. I lost. You lost. We lost. Our family lost. We lost so much we’ll never get back. Time, opportunities, vacations, memories that will never be made, holidays. My respect for you. My love for you. The house I had before you. The house I had raised my children in. lost to your addiction.

These things happened. It’s in the past now. I accept it. It happened.

That’s what you chose. When you protected the core of your addiction, protected your secrets and lies. You chose that. You chose to do that, even though it meant losing me. Even though it meant destroying our future.

I’ve been fighting against it for so long. You. your addiction. Refusing to accept that I was so valueless to you.

I’m not going to fight it anymore. You convinced me. You are an addict. And you didn’t love me enough. You weren’t willing to do whatever it took to end your addiction, to save us.

I accept it. And now I’m saying goodbye. To you. To your addiction, to your pictures and videos and the rest. It’s not going to control my life anymore. You’re not going to control my life anymore.

Goodbye.


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