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 Post subject: Vision problems
PostPosted: Fri Jul 19, 2019 2:59 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jul 03, 2019 9:03 am
Posts: 4
Hi, new here and just starting to read the partner lessons. My problem with visualizing what I want my life to be is that I have chronic illnesses, not all diagnosed. I would love to see myself well again, but that’s unlikely to happen. This makes it hard to make any kind of plan for my future. I only know what I don’t want to be, and that is someone who has to check up on her partner, worry about what he’s doing and where he is and who he is with. Any words of advice?


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 Post subject: Re: Vision problems
PostPosted: Mon Jul 22, 2019 2:46 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 190
Don’t worry too much right now about visualising the kind of future you’d like for yourself, especially if you are in still in the fog and confusion that comes after d day. You can be on an emotional rollercoaster for 6 months at least and the future is difficult to see when you’re trying to make sense of the present and the past. So give yourself more time.

Your vision for the future doesn’t have to be any sort of dream life where everything is lovely. It’s often more about reconnecting with your core self, the person you once were, respecting the values you still hold but perhaps have never put into words before. I appreciate that living with any sort of long term health condition can be limiting, because it’s also true for me, but one thing I can say is that this experience can actually make any pre existing conditions worse because your body is being flooded with adrenalin and other stress hormones, and this can affect your sleep, your digestion, your blood pressure, your immune system and so on. There are also behavioural effects of stress, like emotional eating, using alcohol, compulsive spending etc, that you need to watch out for. So it’s important — if you can — to keep yourself on an even keel. But I also know from experience that it’s almost impossible NOT to experience stress in your body. So, if you can, try and get your sleep, eat regular meals, stick to a realistic exercise routine (if you are able bodied), practice relaxation (whether mindfulness, yoga, meditation or just simple breathing exercises). Sticking to a regular daily routine with these self care activities will help keep you more grounded.

My “future” was more about getting back to who I was before d day, and I’m still not there yet. It’s incredible just how deep the damage can go. Recovery takes up a lot of mental energy and quite often there isn’t much left for other activities that used to bring meaning into our lives — but this is the direction we must move towards. We recover OURSELVES from the mess that is addiction. So don’t be too concerned about writing your vision. It can be as small as you like, as simple as you like. Start with self care, that is, prioritising your own needs as the very first step. Even if that’s just getting yourself to the shower every morning. Nobody here is going to judge you.


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 Post subject: Re: Vision problems
PostPosted: Mon Jul 22, 2019 9:20 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 03, 2019 9:03 am
Posts: 4
Thank you so much for your reply! I have had 2 d days, the first being In January (the day after my 60th birthday) when I discovered a month long affair. We started therapy together, he refused to see someone on his own. 6 months later found him trying to have cybersex with some woman on FB he didn’t even know. At that point I felt done with him, he was extremely distraught, said he was suicidal and checked himself into the hospital. He realizes he has a decades long issue with this behavior. So, I feel I Have basically started over again as of 6 weeks ago.
I have been reading examples of vision posts and have come up with a few simple things. I want to be more accepting of my health limitations and find who and what I want to and can be despite them. Thanks for letting me know I don’t have to be eloquent and long right now, I can start small.


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