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PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2018 2:16 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 05, 2018 7:11 pm
Posts: 2
Hi All,

Not really sure where to start but here goes... so 3 weeks ago I found out my husband was having an online / emotional affair. Found out by accident and it’s been a crazy roller coaster of emotions since. We went to relate, where my hubby told them of his compulsion to watch porn, he met the girl on an online strip poker site. They have no reccomended he gets ‘clean’ before we have marriage therapy, however I’m struggling to cope with that. Part of me thinks this is an excuse for his behavior and actions. I love him (and hate him at the minute too) and want to be able to get past this so we can actually try to make our marriage work, but how long does getting clean take? At the minute I’m in emotional turmoil. I love him and hate him. I hate what he’s done to us. I hate that I feel like the last 16 years have been a lie (the porn compulsion has been since he was young and I had no clue until around 3 years ago). I have major trust issues due to my past and when I met my hubby I was shocked that I felt at ease with him straight away. I’ve always trusted him 100% never doubted anything, never felt the need to check up on him etc. when I found out about the affair I asked for the secret email address they were using. He willing gave me the details because in his head they were friends. I think I cried continually for around 8 hours. What I read just devestates me and I can’t get it out of my mind. Now they have said he has a sex addiction and I just feel the life is being sucked right out of me. I don’t know how to help him with this why still struggling with the impact from the affair. but we can’t work through that and the dect and betrayal until this is sorted. I can’t sleep, my head feels like it’s constantly exploding and the poor kids are wondering what is going on as I’m walking around either bright red and blotchy or hiding in our room.

Sorry for my ramblings
BHW


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2018 5:48 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 608
Broken-heartedwife - Welcome to Recovery Nation. I'm sorry you need to be here, but this is a healing place to be.

I remember right after I began to discover my husband's addiction. The shock, the panic, the uncertainty for me was almost unbearable. I had to get a sense of safety and equilibrium. The lessons will help with this. I strongly encourage you to begin the lessons. Jon will explain so much that will help.

At this point, and this will be hard to hear, the best thing to do is focus on your healing. Your husband needs to get into sincere recovery himself. There is nothing we partners can do to make our husbands recover. We have to focus on our well being and healing.

This will make more sense as you go through the lessons. I can tell you that it takes time. It takes time for addicts to recover; it takes time to heal.

You are not alone. The partners here understand. I found I needed to be very gentle with myself and give myself the gift of time to being to heal.

With deep compassion,
dnell


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2018 7:14 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 19, 2009 1:42 pm
Posts: 350
Ahhhh....you never need to apologize for rambling...because what you are doing is decanting...very different. Decanting is letting loose all the feelings and thoughts you never in a million years thought you'd have. This is the perfect place to begin to sort those thoughts into something you can work with. If I could tell you one thing, WORK ON YOU and I've been at this a decade so I know. I've had so many D-Days I should get frequent D-Day miles! Oh, where was I? Right. One thing. The most important one thing. WORK ON YOU. IF you're like the rest of us that's the last thing you want to do. I imagine you want answers, dates, names, times thinking this data because it seems like a logical place to start will help you. How did what he did intersect with what I THOUGHT my life looked like? Don't even go there. It's a painfilled rabbit hole without any value. I know. I did this. I made what was bad even worse for myself because I didn't understand why working on me was critical.

Here are some truths that 10 years have taught me. Take what you want and trash the rest.

1.You want answers but addicts lie. They will say and do anything to protect the illusion. That's how they got into this mess in the first place. An addict can't begin to be truthful to a partner until they've done a boatload of work. That's why couples work is WAY DOWN THE LINE if at all. Very painful to acknowledge because partners want all this horrible to go away. Now. Right now. I get it. You want your life back. We all do but it doesn't work that way. Not for anyone. Rushing the process only makes it worse down the line.

2. The sheer shock of having your life flipped upside down isn't the time for data (which will be useless anyway, see above). It is the time for finding a sane space for you to decompress. To NOT think. To just be. And be as gentle and sweet to yourself and have what matters to you as much as you possibly can.

3.There's a wise saying: don't give anyone free rent in your head. True. So true for me that I found my addict's sheer presence was a huge trigger for me. His very body set me on edge so I've asked on several recent D-Days for him to leave the house. A 30-day reset so I can have some normal in my life. (I don't pretend well so it's also for his safety. Lol). This is a recent protocol for me and I love it. It feels good to stop the madness and get a chance to breathe plus I don't want to hear more promises, excuses, and the words that tell me he still doesn't get it.

3. Working on you is really the only truly sane thing you can do. You are the only person that can bring calm to you, give you a sense of what you do have in your life besides him, and what you want your life to look like if he's in it or out of it. You get to choose but the best part? You can choose right now to not decide anything about him. All you need to do is work on fabulous you. And you are fabulous. NOTHING HE DID HAS ANY REFLECTION ON YOU).

Your reality has changed and when you DO the lessons you will form a new one. One based on your truths and values. You will have control of your life the second you start.

XOXO


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 09, 2018 8:48 pm 
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Joined: Mon Apr 02, 2018 8:45 pm
Posts: 2
Hello, thank you for sharing. I am also new here but have been dealing with this "dance" for around 20 years. I thought we were doing great and life was going so well, building our Dreams and then dicovered an online affair three weeks ago and have been devasted ever since. I like what has been shared about not rushing your process because your own healing will be to fragile. I think I have been too quick to forgive and try to love better in the past and I never fully dealt with my feelings and pain. I am hurting and for the first time furious with my wife. I realize this time I am not to blame and an addiction or compulsion is not to blame - that it was her decision and her actions that put us here. All the plans we have made and the Dreams we were building together could be over and I am mad. I am starting to work through the lessons and I hope they will help. I'm glad you are here and we have people who understand.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:13 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 108
Hi BHW and welcome to the forum, although it’s a shame you have to be here at all. I understand the frustration and helpless of the early weeks and months when life feels completely upended and the future looks uncertain. I’m 2 and 1/2 years past our ultimate d day. That wasn’t so much d for discovery but disintegration. We’re still together. We heal, we stall, we hit some stormy seas and then we try to heal again. It’s not been easy. Recovery is not a linear process.

Like the others say, you need to take care of your own needs first before the healing of your relationship can truly begin. No matter what happens, whether your relationship survives or not, you will be affected by this experience from this point onwards. Your own healing is an entirely different experience from that of your partner, and that of the relationship. Ultimately, you can’t control your husband’s behaviours. Only he can. You can’t force him to be honest with you. All you can do is ask for honesty, but as the lessons state, his recovery will be evident through his actions, not his words. And you have to rediscover how to trust your gut. It’s not an exact science. That’s why recovery is so hard.

I recommend you work through the lessons. You won’t find a better resource online, at least not for free. This isn’t the busiest forum but the sensitivity and experience of the women here is invaluable. Good luck. X


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 12, 2018 8:12 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 05, 2018 7:11 pm
Posts: 2
Thank you for your replies. For you ladies who have been at this a long time I’m in awe of your dedication and support of your partner. DJ24, sounds like we found out similar times about our partners infidelity, I hope your doing ok.

My H has been to see a counsellor today who said in his opinion he doesn’t have a sex addiction. I’m now even more confused. He believes that it’s a symptom of other stresses. However it’s come out tonight why he was talking to his Mum that he is Bi. I’m speechless, he said he told me this when he was telling me about the porn and the poker site. Yes he did tell me that he has watched all Legal porn including gay. And that he saw the strip poker site as another porn site. I asked if he ever had any intention of playing people or having cyber sex and he said no. (I’ve asked him this many times). I asked if he had done anything with a man - he said no But apparently that was telling me he was BI.

My head is now swimming and he’s enjoying a nice sleep. While I feel my world Is crumbling from under me.

Thank again xxx


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2018 2:03 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 507
hi, broken-heartedwife,
I recall reading a wife of a sex addict who wrote, "He slept like a baby: I needed pills to sleep and cope."

That imbalance--what you describe--is debilitating, and I am very sorry you find yourself in this place with this man who must now seem like a stranger. Yet, this stranger walked so many paths with you that it's impossible to reconcile that history and what you've shared with everything you've discovered.

I could address the issues you raised one by one, but there is an overarching response to it all that is important, because it will cover pretty much anything that you may continue to find out, and it is this:

Your husband has lived a life of deception. You have been a victim of that deception. No other labels, by professionals or your husband himself, will rectify or nullify those two facts.

Your husband has lived a duplicitous life. the fall out from it will likely harm you far more than it will ever harm him. That is what matters. That, and that from this point forward, the fastest way to sanity is to put all your energy, wherever possible, into yourself first, and above all else.

Why is this so important? Because unfortunately, in the weeks and months to come, you may find there are more things revealed or discovered. Critically, your husband is in no state to have an objective view of himself, so whatever he says until he has a decent amount of recovery under his belt is not to be trusted.

On counseling: very few understand sex addiction and intimacy disorders. Many do not deserve the professional recognition they have. Please do not let this one person's opinion steer you in any way. This article from Dr. Omar Minwalla, a man who treats people with sex addiction, is validating to our experience. It puts the focus on where it belongs: that what you have experienced is deeply traumatic, and that is often undiagnosed and unrecognized by modern therapists.

http://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/ ... untreated/

with much compassion,
meepmeep


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