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 Post subject: Early stages
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2018 1:35 am 
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Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2018 11:05 am
Posts: 7
I broke up with my partner 5 weeks ago when he confessed to having sex with a prostitute.
He’s realised he has a problem & goes to SA meetings.
I’m finding it all hard but we are still in touch even though it is too early to know if we could get back together.
The other day he told me he had had a relapse & been with another prostitute. He deeply regrets it & still plans on going to the SA meetings.

I’m just wondering if i can trust him again. He is friendly with a coworker & they socialise outside of work sometimes. He has spoken to her about his addiction.
My fear is that something may happen between them. As stupid as it sounds I think that would be more of a betrayal than him going to prostitutes!

Am I doing the right thing by staying friends with him?


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 Post subject: Re: Early stages
PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2018 1:04 am 
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Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 12:39 am
Posts: 11
Hey Early Stages,

I am also in the early stages of all this. 3 months in, but it feels like years.

As hard as it is to understand or do, it's true what they say. You have to work on healing yourself. I totally understand how difficult it is to not be friends or in contact with someone you loved, maybe still love. If you feel like staying friends is right for you, then so be it. But I will share a little of my experience. For me, it was so hard for me to not talk or think about my SA all day. As much as I wanted to, I really struggled. I finally realized how his struggles with relapses and SA meetings was taking a toll on me. I realized what I wanted in a husband he wouldn't be able to give to me at this time. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I needed space from him and had him move out. I also stopped contact. The first few days were excruciating and I questioned if I was doing the right thing. But by the 2nd week I had more clarity and felt myself getting healthy.

My point is, if you feel a friendship at this time (or any time) is causing you damage then you have every right to do what is best for YOU. Also don't be afraid to set boundaries if you do choose to stay in contact or have any form of relationship. I used to feel like boundaries made me sound crazy and controlling until it clicked that boundaries were to protect me and make me feel safe. They weren't about HIM. Setting my boundaries and sticking to them was a huge part in my growth. It was a big shift to put all the compassion and care I was putting on my SA and give it to myself.

Hope I could help.

While we never wanted to be on this journey, i truly believe it makes us into some of the strongest human beings. :)


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 Post subject: Re: Early stages
PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2018 3:16 am 
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Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2018 11:05 am
Posts: 7
Thanks Bravesoul2014 for the reply.
I never lived with my partner. We had never gotten round to moving in together so I have always had my own free time & life outside of being in a couple.
Because of this I know I can be on my own & I still enjoy doing things that don’t involve him & his “problems”
It still hurts what he did but I can live without him. The issue is I don’t want to.


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 Post subject: Re: Early stages
PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2018 11:10 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 12:39 am
Posts: 11
Choclatelover unfortunately I can't help you much because I'm on the same boat. I guess the way I try to cope is I don't want to live without my SA, but I KNOW I can't live WITH my SA if he is still acting out. It's not good for him
And it's not healthy for me
It breaks my heart. As painful as it is to live without the SA, I think it'd be more painful to stay and live with the SA.

Just know you are not alone. Your feelings are normal. I wish I could stop loving my SA. But I know I need to love myself more.

Feel free to keep writing here. Or in a journal. Or therapy or close friends. I know I always benefit from getting my feelings out there. I think we need to just go through the emotions as we go through the journey of healing.


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