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 Post subject: Second D day
PostPosted: Tue Sep 03, 2019 5:05 am 
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Joined: Sun Jul 07, 2019 1:38 pm
Posts: 17
Second d day, why do they drip feed you the truth?
Feel like I must start all over again, I wasn’t really convinced my husband was telling me the whole truth and I was right.
After digging a bit deeper I discovered that there was more a lot more infact.
The number of prostitutes jumped up from 1 to 9. It had been ongoing up untill March this year and had been going on all through my pregnancy. He’d had sex with them all not just oral sex like he’d said. It wasn’t protected sex and he had willingly put my life and baby’s life at risk multiple times luckily we are both fine after having multiple std checks done. He coerced the girl I went to meet to lie to me about what had happened, he downloaded software and manipulated and changed the bank statements so I couldn’t see what he’d been up to this year. Further to this I discovered that he has also been addicted to online gaming and has spent £3500 on app purchases and a further £3500 on the many prostitutes. Also that he has been unfaithful for most of out marriage that he has betrayed me since 2015 and he has felt no guilt after any of his actions only when discovered. He can’t even remember some of the girls he met and more details come out as and when he remembers. He has lied to me and the therapist we’ve been seeing, anything up to this point he has done has been to protect his secret identity no progress has been made. Now he has been exposed he is suicidal and has been signed off work, our baby is due to be born in 2 weeks time what a fucking mess.


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 Post subject: Re: Second D day
PostPosted: Tue Sep 03, 2019 9:12 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 656
Oh, Kelly. I am so sorry. How very painful.

They continue to lie since they have used dishonesty for so long and they do so to protect the addiction.

I'm relieved you have had STD testing. You and your baby are the most important people in your life right now. My husband threatened suicide as well. I said I would call 911 or take him to a psych unit, but that is all that I would do. I asked him if it was a plea or a threat, and in a rare moment of honesty, he said it was a threat. He was trying to control my behavior. That was unacceptable.

This is so traumatic and your baby is due. Can you find a safe place where you can focus on you and get some peace?

With deep compassion,
dnell


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 Post subject: Re: Second D day
PostPosted: Tue Sep 03, 2019 1:51 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jul 07, 2019 1:38 pm
Posts: 17
Hi and thanks for your reply, I haven’t got anywhere else to go really and I wouldn’t even if I could all the baby stuff is set up at home and I will need help in the first couple of weeks as I’m having a c section. I’m just so gutted that the lies continued and the level of deception he is willing to go to to protect himself is truly worrying. How do we find our way back from this?


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 Post subject: Re: Second D day
PostPosted: Tue Sep 03, 2019 5:39 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 656
Hi - What I can tell you is that we can find our way back. It takes times. The focus must be on you and your baby. Your husband is responsible for managing his life and recovering from his addiction.

As Jon says in the early lessons, it is critical that you find some ways to find some sense of safety and control for yourself.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: Second D day
PostPosted: Thu Sep 05, 2019 4:55 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 189
I’m so sorry to hear such a heartbreaking story and especially when you are about to give birth. Your situation must feel overwhelming and unbearable, I’d imagine.

There is nothing I could say that is “reassuring”, only that trickle truth is almost always the way that partners learn about sexual infidelities and addiction, and that it is actually the most damaging way to find out. The trauma and then coming to terms of what you believe is a new reality is blown apart and you’re back in the trauma again, only it’s worse. Not only is there’s more to come to terms with, you also know without a shadow of a doubt that you’ve been lied to. Even when you asked for the whole truth and were prepared to listen to what you knew would be painful, he chose to tell you only the bare minimum and keep up the deception. It’s really hard, and more so for you because of the baby.

First and foremost, please take care of your physical needs. You’re going to need all the strength and energy for the birth and for recovering physically, and taking care of baby. If you can do some meditation, relaxation or breathing exercises it will help to calm your body and get you out of the stress response of fight/flight/freeze.

At some point you’re going to have to make the decision to stay in the relationship or not. There are many women who stay in a relationship where the male partner has been to prostitutes or massage parlours, but those relationships often come with certain conditions such as seeking professional help
from therapists specialising in sex addiction, and committing to a future without extramarital infidelities. Above all, YOU need to be clear about what is or isn’t acceptable to you and state clearly where your boundaries lie. Right now you have other priorities and the big decisions are probably best postponed until you have settled into your new routine. I suggest Paula Hall’s book for partners of sex and porn addicts. There’s a lot of good information in it.

Everything you describe — lying, trickle truth, even falsifying evidence — is very much par for the course. Not that it doesn’t hurt any less just knowing that, in fact it’s a horrible experience to find yourself on the trauma merry-go-round. The suicidal thoughts are often a reaction to being found out and being forced to face reality. It’s still something you need to take seriously. As much as I believe that addicts need to take responsibility for their own recovery and self care, it might be a good idea to encourage him to see his GP or even phone the Samaritans or a similar helpline if he feels acutely distressed. If you feel he is in imminent danger to himself then pick up the phone and call the emergency services. Chances are, his emotions are overwhelming him right now and these episodes will probably occur in waves. What a mess. Your situation must be awful to endure.

Please reach out if you need to. X


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 Post subject: Re: Second D day
PostPosted: Mon Sep 09, 2019 7:37 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 161
Agree with bip's post,
And to add, please take care of yourself and your baby, I have regret that I let my children down at times as I was so overwhelmed by d days, and then by trying to fix my husband.. That didn't work, and fundamentally our issues ar unchanged.
but I feel I was so overtaken by hormones and feeling insecure, dependant, that I turned to my husband and put trying to fix him and our relationship before my kids at times. I now regret that. Make sure you have support and can reach out. I became totally isolated.


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