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PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:46 pm 
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PART 1:
A huge part of the work of healing has to do with creating and connecting to a vision for our lives. The more I experience life, either through my role here as a coach, or in my personal life, the more strongly I feel that vision work is cornerstone to living an empowered, health based life--regardless of whether or not one's life has been impacted by sexual addiction. Creating a vision for our life, extracting and deepening the meaning we derive from our values, is not something that is taught in schools and sadly, it is not something that we are often intentionally taught by our families, either. Not surprisingly, it is the part of the workshop with which many people struggle and get stuck on and is what motivated me to I write this "how to" for creating your vision. This is an incomplete work in progress, and I am not certain how it will unfold exactly but as it does, I will post the updates here, in this thread. I hope that you will find these exercises useful and practical, inspiring and motivating you in creating your life's vision!


A well thought out vision, one that considers the totality of your life, will serve you well--especially when you are met with conflict or major life decisions!

So, how does one go about creating a vision for their life? Good question! Most of us have never done this kind of work before, so being given the task, especially so early on in the process of healing and recovery, can seem daunting. This is why decided to write this little "how to" on creating an effective vision. Let's begin. First, read through each exercise. Do them all, or choose the ones that most appeal to you. I suggest at least 3, including number 5. The more you do the better, as each one will contribute something to the others, but it really is up to you! Just like the workshop--and life--what you get out is relative to what you put in!

1. Start at the Very End. This one is a little confronting for people who may not deal well with the idea of their own mortality, but let's face it~we are all going to die, sooner or later! But, as the quote goes, are we truly going to live? Yes, you are and your vision is going to show you the way! Imagine that you are able to be at your own funeral. Who is there? What are they saying about you? Think in terms of what you would want them to say, as this is an exercise in creating a vision for the person you are committed to being, not an exercise in beating yourself up for falling short of your, or anyone else's, expectations! Another approach to this exercise is to imagine that you are able to do a review of your life after you have taken your last breath. What was your life like? Was it everything you wanted it to be? What did you like about it? What would you change if you had the opportunity? Again, think about the roles you filled, the people you surrounded yourself with, how you spent your time etc. ...and don't forget the values you lived by!

2. Start at the Very Beginning. Think back to when you were a child. What did you like to do? What kinds of activities did you do and what kinds of games did you play (dress-up, building with lego or blocks, drawing, reading, sports etc.)? What did you imagine yourself doing when you grew up? What were your favorite school subjects? Did you play sports? What were your hobbies? Where were your favorite places to go? What sense do you have of yourself as a child (free spirit, introspective, strong-willed, loving, helpful, outgoing, shy)?

3. Your Ideal Self. What energizes and inspires you? What are your natural talents (those things you do that seem effortless, that you may even take for granted)? What would you like more of in your life? What would you like less of? Who would you most like to be like? Why? What personal qualities and characteristics (in yourself and in others) appeal to you?

4. Your Dream Life. What do you want more than anything else in this world? If you had no obligations, constraints, obstacles and your resources were unlimited, what would you do? Where would you be? Who would you be with? What do your surroundings look like? What pursuits would you devote your time to? What do you most like to talk about? What motivates you? What could you spend an entire day doing and not grow tired, bored or frustrated with? Think beyond your response and answer the question of why in regard of your responses. Think about what it is about that person that you would like to spend time with them; what is it about that location that you are ever-inspired, peaceful, energized, etc.

5. Your Values Inventory. Using the list provided, highlight the attributes, qualities and values that appeal most to you. Cross out the ones you don't like. Add any that you don't see listed that appeal to you. Use a dictionary or use your own interpretation to define what these words (values) mean to you. Group similar value words together to form a value concept. Use one or two defined values to represent your value concept. To help you with your definitions and to develop your values concepts, it will help to think about what behaviours, actions and ways of being that a person with (insert value here) will be. For example, I value Integrity. The dictionary definition of integrity is “the state of being whole and undivided; the condition of being unified, unimpaired, or sound in construction; the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; uprightness. My personal definition of a person with integrity is a person who honors themselves as their word, they do what they say by when they said they would do it, they practice absolute honesty, they are the change they wish to see in the world, they think about the impact they have on others and the world around them and they take responsibility for their actions. Integrity is the foundation for all of my other values; in other words, without integrity, my other values risk being compromised.

Alphabetical List of Values:

Ability, Abundance, Academics, Acceptance, Accessibility, Accommodating, Accomplishment, Accuracy, Achievement, Acknowledgment, Activeness, Acquiring, Adaptability, Admiration, Adoration, Adroitness, Advancement, Adventure, Advice, Affection, Affluence, Aggressiveness, Agility, Alertness, Allegiance, Altruism, Amazement, Amusement, Ambition, Amnesty, Anticipation, Appreciation, Approachability, Approval, Articulacy, Artistry, Assertiveness, Assurance, Atonement, Attentiveness, Attraction, Attractiveness, Audacity, Austerity, Authenticity, Authority, Autonomy, Availability, Awareness, Awe

Balance, Beauty, Being, Being the/your best, Belonging, Beliefs, Benevolence, Bliss, Boldness, Bonding, Bravery, Brilliance, Building, Buoyancy

Calmness, Camaraderie, Candor, Capability, Career (mindedness), Carefulness, Caring, Celebration, Celebrity, Certainty, Challenge, Change, Character, Charity, Charm, Chastity, Cheerfulness, Choice, Civility, Clarity, Classiness, Cleanliness, Clear-mindedness, Cleverness, Closeness, Closure, Coaching, Cognizance, Collaboration, Comfort, Commitment, Communication, Communion, Community, Companionship, Compassion, Compatibility, Competence, Competition, Completion, Composure, Comprehensiveness, Compromise, Concentration, Confidence, Conformity, Congruency, Congruity, Connection, Conscience, Conscientiousness, Conservation, Conservatism, Consciousness, Consideration, Consistency, Contentment, Continuity, Continuous growth, Contribution, Control, Conversation, Conviction, Conviviality, Coolness, Cooperation, Cordiality, Correctness, Courage, Courteousness, Craftiness, Creativity, Credibility, Cunning, Curiosity

Daring, Decency, Decisiveness, Decorum, Dedication, Deference, Delight, Democracy, Dependability, Depth, Designing, Desire, Destiny, Detachment, Determination, Devotion, Devoutness, Dexterity, Dignity, Diligence, Diplomacy, Direction, Directness, Discernment, Discipline, Discipleship, Discovery, Discretion, Distinction, Diversity, Dominance, Dreaming, Drive, Dutifulness, Duty, Dynamism

Eagerness, Earnestness, Economy, Ecstasy, Education, Effectiveness, Efficiency, Elation, Elegance, Emotional maturity, Empathy, Empowerment, Encouragement, Endeavor Endurance, Energy, Enjoyment, Enterprising, Entertainment, Enthusiasm, Equanimity, Esteem, Evolution, Excellence, Exceptionality, Excitement, Exhilaration, Expansion, Expectancy, Expediency, Experience, Experimenting, Expertise, Exploration, Expressiveness, Extraordinariness, Extravagance, Extroversion, Exuberance

Fairness, Faith, Faithfulness, Fame, Family, Fascination, Fashion, Fearlessness, Feeling(s), Ferocity, Fidelity, Fierceness, Finances, Firmness, Fitness, Flexibility, Flow, Fluency, Focus, Fortitude, Frankness, Freedom, Friendliness, Friendship, Frugality, Fun

Gallantry, Generosity, Gentility, Giving, Grace, Gratitude, Gregariousness, Growth, Guidance

Happiness, Harmony, Health, Healthfulness, Heart, Helpfulness, Heroism, Holiness, Holism, Honesty, Honor, Hope, Hopefulness, Hospitality, Humanitarianism, Humor, Hygiene

Imagination, Impact, Impartiality, Importance, Independence, Individuality, Indulgence, Industriousness, Industry, Ingenuity, Initiative, Innovation, Inquisitiveness, Insightfulness, Inspiration, Integrity, Intelligence, Intensity, Intimacy, Intrepidness, Introversion, Intuition, Intuitiveness, Inventiveness, Investing, Invulnerability

Joy, Joyfulness, Judiciousness, Justice

Kaizen, Keenness, Kindness, Kindheartedness, Knowledge

Leadership, Learning, Legacy, Liberation, Liberty, Likability, Liveliness, Logic, Longevity, Love, Loyalty

Magnanimity, Majesty, Making a Difference, Marriage, Mastery, Maturity, Maximization, Meekness, Mellowness, Mercy, Meritoriousness, Methodology, Meticulousness, Mindfulness, Moderation, Modesty, Motivation, Mysteriousness

Neatness, Nerve, Normality, Nostalgia, Notoriety, Nutrition

Obedience, Open-Mindedness, Openness, Optimism, Order, Organization, Originality, Outlandishness, Outrageousness

Participation, Partnership, Passion, Patriotism, Peace, Perceptiveness, Perfection, Perfectionism, Perseverance, Personal Growth, Perkiness, Persistence, Persuasiveness, Philanthropy, Piety, Playfulness, Pleasantness, Pleasing Others, Pleasure, Poise, Polish, Popularity, Potency, Power, Practicality, Pragmatism, Precision, Preparedness, Presence, Privacy, Proactivity, Problem-Solving, Professionalism, Progress, Prosperity, Protection, Prudence, Punctuality, Puritanism, Purity, Purpose

Quality, Qualifying, Qualification, Quietism, Quietude, Quirkiness

Realism, Reason, Reasonableness, Recognition, Recreation, Refinement, Reflection, Regard, Regulation, Relationship, Relaxation, Reliability, Religion, Religiousness, Resilience, Resolution, Resolve, Resourcefulness, Respect, Rest, Restfulness, Restraint, Results, Reverence, Richness, Rigor

Sacredness, Sacrifice, Sagacity, Saintliness, Sanctitude, Sanguineness, Satisfaction, Security, Self-actualization, Self-care, Self-control, Self-esteem, Selflessness, Self-reliance, Self-respect, Sensitivity, Sensuality, Serenity, Service, Servitude, Sexuality, Sharing,
Shrewdness, Significance, Silence, Silliness, Simplicity, Sincerity, Skillfulness, Solidarity, Solitude, Solvency, Soundness, Specialness, Speediness, Spirit, Spirituality, Spontaneity, Spunk, Stability, Status, Stealth, Stillness, Strength, Structure, Success, Support, Supremacy, Surprise, Survival, Sympathy, Synergy, Systemization

Teamwork, Temperance, Tenacity, Thankfulness, Thoroughness, Thoughtfulness, Thrift, Tidiness, Timeliness, Tolerance, Tradition, Traditionalism, Tranquility, Transcendence, Transformation, Trust, Trustworthiness, Truth, Truthfulness

Understanding, Unflappability, Uniqueness, Unity, Usefulness, Utilitarianism, Utility

Valor, Variety, Verve, Victory, Vigor, Virtue, Vision, Visionariness, Vitality, Vivacity

Wackiness, Warmth, Watchfulness, Wealth, Willfulness, Willingness, Willpower, Winning, Wisdom, Wittiness, Wonder, Worldliness, Worthiness

Yearning, Youthfulness

Zaniness, Zeal, Zest


6. Identify your Domains. A domain, by definition, is an area of territory owned or controlled by a ruler or government. Therefor, your domains are the areas of your life that are controlled by you! What are those domains? Some ideas to get you rolling are Family, Friend, Career, Spirituality, etc. Some of these may be broken down into sub-domains, or you can separate them out as individual domains~your choice. For instance, Family can be divided into subdomains of Partner, Parent, Son/Daughter, Sister/Brother, etc. The more areas you identify, the more areas you will have to support you.

7. Vision Abstract Collage. They say that a picture is worth a thousand words! Using old magazines, tear out pictures that represent what you envision or want for your life. You can include personal photographs as well, creating your collage using the traditional cut and paste method, or create a digital collage, or perhaps a scrapbook or even a photo collage using a collage frame (with multiple openings). You can draw, write original work or include quotes that inspire you~anything that conjures up a rich mental image of the vision you have for your life. Think about the story told by each image you incorporate into your collage. Use each element of your collage to draw out your values.

When considering your vision, you also want to consider the values that you have inherited (from your family of origin, from your faith or spiritual based affiliations, from your peers, from your culture, etc.). Some of these values will "make the cut" but some might not. That is the thing about your vision~it is your vision! :w:

Finally, As you are developing your vision, you want to keep in mind that, just as life is a process, so to is creating your vision: As you evolve, so will your vision. There is no "right" or "wrong" vision to have, only one that is right or wrong for you! Be honest with yourself, be true to yourself. If you are including something because you feel you should, or if it doesn't feel right~it likely isn't.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2011 9:05 pm 
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:g: :g: :ex:

Absolutely fantastic Coach Mel. Thank you so much for this! I'm sure it took a lot of work. I have been saying for some time now that I needed to re-evaluate and re-write my vision. This will be an excellent resource!!

Thank you! :ex:

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 24, 2011 12:25 pm 
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What a timely post for me!

I just finished writing a reply in my private workshop about values.

I realized that I have strong values that I am really connected to, have really guided my life. I have other values that have various levels of damage that feel not attainable right now. Then I also have a list of ideals that seem nice but...

Going camping now....lots of time to ponder and consider.

I wish I had ink in my printer to print out your post Mel to take with me.

Take care and thank you for such a wonderful post Mel. Very thought provoking, very helpful.

_________________

"What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.


Last edited by CoachAutumn on Wed Jul 27, 2011 11:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2011 10:51 am 
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What a great guide. Thank you for this Coach Mel.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:48 am 
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Thank you for your positive feedback. Just trying to figure out how to make this a sticky!

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2011 10:42 am 
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This helps a bunch. My H and I were talking about values last night. Its difficult to find the words to "define" oneself. Next time we talk about values I'll have the vocabulary to explain myself better. Thanks!


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2011 6:09 am 
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Finally got around to reading this thread. Thank you so much CoachMel for putting it together. I have printed out two lists of the Values, and I have highlighted those that are important to me. I am going to ask my Husband to do the same thing, and then we can discuss them in our scheduled talk tomorrow. I wonder if we have ANY the same..... :pe:


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2011 9:07 pm 
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Excellent! Thank you Coach Mel :g:


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2011 11:08 am 
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Here are some quick links to the vision exercises of the workshop:


http://www.recoverynation.com/partners/s1l1a.htm

http://www.recoverynation.com/partners/s2l1.htm

http://www.recoverynation.com/partners/s3l3.htm

http://www.recoverynation.com/partners/s3l4.htm

http://www.recoverynation.com/partners/s3l6.htm

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2011 10:34 pm 
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Gold. This is pure gold!

Thank you, CoachMel! With this indespensible tool, I am on my way!

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Blessings-
3Betrayed (Terry)

For I know the plan I have made for you, plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 11:19 am 
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I am glad that so many are using this "how to" to their benefit. I finally had some time to work on completing this little guide on vision writing. Part of my difficulty in completing this (aside of time) is that all of the information you really need is in Part 1. Pulling it all together into a concise document that is the task of Part 2.

Vision How To: Part 2

Now that you have done all of this brainstorming, and you have compiled lists of values and pages upon pages of notes describing all of your life’s aspirations and goals, it is now time to amalgamate all of this work into what will be your individual, comprehensive road map for your life--your vision!

Some things to keep in mind as you move forward with your vision writing:

You want to have each of your values well defined. Ideally they will be objective vs. subjective/conceptual in nature. If you did not do exercise 5 from part 1, I recommend that you go back and do it, if only for the sake of having well defined values (this will not only help you with vision work, but will be immensely beneficial when prioritizing and creating boundaries). You will know if your value definitions are objective if you are able to observe and measure them (that is, if you are able to observe and measure the behaviours that arise as a result of living from them). Feelings can also be used as a measure, but until you have mastered the use of your values to guide your actions, relying on feelings is unreliable -they are simply too subjective and too easily influenced by external (and other internal) factors. Behaviours, on the other hand, are less ambiguous (you lied or you told the truth; you yelled at your spouse or you spoke firmly). In scientific terms, defining something in such a way as to be able to observe and measure it is to “operationalize” it. To operationalize something is to standardize it, making it constant and workable. If you go by your feelings, which are malleable to the day, the weather, the side of bed you woke up on, nutrition, your boss’s mood etc. there is clearly nothing standard or reliable to go by. As arduous of a task it may seem, operationalizing your values will make the rest of the work of vision writing (along with the rest of the work in the RN workshops) much easier. Remember --what you get out of it ('it' being anything in life) is relative to what you put in!

Keep it positive! It is far less empowering to live from a vision that has you avoiding bad things, than it is to live from a vision that has you living into positive things.** While starting with what you don’t want as a platform from which you design what you do want can be a good way to begin to shift that negative or avoidant mindset, it is not the perspective from which you ideally want to create your vision. Your vision is meant not only to guide you, but inspire you! If you aren’t excited about your vision, it isn’t really going to motivate you to live from it, or into it. If you are not feeling the love and can’t get into a positive mindset, just try it on for a bit. Go through the motions of creating it from the positive, even if it feels phony at first, and see if your perspective begins to shift (there is scientific research to support this strategy!). If you are not willing to try it on, you may wish to take pause and ask yourself why not. What do you have to lose? What are you hanging onto and why would you want to carry something if it is holding you back? What would letting go of this mindset mean? What is the threat? (or any other question that will get to the root of why you won’t allow yourself to make this shift happen for yourself).

Feeling stuck? Ask yourself the following questions to trouble-shoot and get yourself un-stuck.

    Are there any “shoulds” in my vision? (i.e. Is there anything that doesn’t really speak to me, if I am honest with myself, but I have included because it is expected, or because it is what I was brought up to believe is “right”?)

    Am I attached to an outcome? Have I added something into my vision in order to try to force this outcome? Sometimes we add things into our vision in an unconscious (or conscious) effort to try to control or manipulate an outcome. This is often because we are creating from a place of reaction (to the crisis at hand) instead of creating from nothing. Hopefully by the time you have completed Part 1, you have figured this out. If not that is okay, just go back and ask yourself if this could be what is causing you to feel stuck. Are you attached to an outcome? That is, are you still trying to control your environment? If so, you are not allowing yourself to connect to your authentic self. If you realize this is where you are, ask yourself what is the payoff/reward? What is the cost? Are you willing to continue to pay this price?

    Am I resisting acceptance? (Of what is; of what isn’t; of what was and should never have been; that it is up to me to move past this; of the work that is involved; of....). The reality is that we cannot change the past and that our actions and inactions affect not only the present, but the future as well.

    Am I resisting taking responsibility for my life? Am I still trying to blame something else/someone else for how my life is and waiting for them to be accountable for what they did to me and the impact they had on my life? How long am I willing to wait? Taking responsibility for your life does not mean that others are absolved of their transgressions. The events that happened in your life are real, and their consequences have likely been traumatic. The parties responsible for these events are still responsible, whether they see it or not, whether they accept it or not, whether or not they make amends. What taking responsibility for your life does mean is that you are no longer allowing their actions to continue to damage your life; you are no longer willing to allow your traumatic responses to these events to run amok in your life, keeping you from living into the life that you want to live. This takes work. No question about it. It takes courage, strength and perseverance. It also takes awareness, and a willingness to put yourself back on track whenever you get waylaid (and you will). If you still find yourself resisting responsibility for your own life, ask yourself what it is you are committed to. Do your thoughts and actions align with this commitment? If not, why not?

The rest of the workshop will set you up to live into your vision, should you choose to. Do not simply do the exercises and expect to be healed/recovered at the end of the workshop -- this is sometimes referred to in the forums as “recovery by numbers”. Vision and values work is at the heart of health based recovery. The work of learning how to live your life from this perspective, as presented in these workshops, is an additive process where each lesson builds upon previous ones to form a system for living. By choosing to take on this work, you are choosing to take responsibility for your life! (A very good thing). What you must remember is: What you get out of the workshop, as anything else in life, is relative to what you put in. It is work, and it is work worthwhile. This is your life: What are you committed to?

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 12:16 pm 
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This is excellent! :g: :g: I had forgotten about this original post CoachMel and appreciate the new 'part 2'. A "best of" list of threads like this should be put into one resource list. Maybe I will start a document and work on that slowly when I have time. Again thank you.

Edit: and I laugh because I see this post is at the very top of the forum. :s: I tend to look right over those threads usually when I come to the forum. Only found this today because I was lookign at "view new posts". Ha!

_________________

"What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2012 6:32 pm 
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Excellent Job Mel!! Thank you so much for taking this on and making it as wonderful as you have!!

Luv Ya!
Cheryl


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 5:08 am 
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Thank you, Coach Mel. As I begin this journey I am filled with sadness and confusion. When I read the exercise about creating a vision I wasn't sure I could even begin. This has helped me understand it is possible and I am almost looking forward to it!


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 10:12 pm 
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Thank you for this guidance. I was feeling a bit like I was all over the place, like my vision wasn't concise enough or even doable. Now I realize it's going to take a bit more time and effort, but letting my ideas about my life 'run amok' is probably OK right now. I'm excited that I can still see so much going on in my life. Things that aren't just obsessively thinking about how much I've lost or how I just can't see life without my husband.


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