Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Fri Dec 13, 2019 10:26 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 13 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Sat Jun 29, 2013 4:12 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jun 17, 2013 11:04 pm
Posts: 12
my husband is in law enforcement, and yes, I feel it's somewhat tied. High stress job with immature coping skills? Bad combination.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jul 02, 2013 2:53 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu Jun 06, 2013 1:57 pm
Posts: 75
Thanks CoachB- the last part about workaholism stands out... My husband will often take whatever overtime is available... Without it, the base pay only goes so far covering expenses for even the simple life we choose.

Funny you mention the paragraph about being "good". I checked in with H today because he didn't have an appointment with his therapist the week. He mentioned they'd be on vacation, but I wasn't sure when. I asked if everything was ok, and he's like, "yeah, I've been good." Which I take to mean he claims so be abstaining from whatever it was he did...

I think he feels that abstaining and therapy are enough for recovery & I'm not sure I agree with that for the big picture, but it is two steps forward, and I gather that the therapist is going to start digging deep after his vacation. H said he does psychoanalysis, which I admittedly don't know a lot about, but I'm going to take the leap of faith that the therapist, who specializes in working with first responders, knows more than I do.

I'm segueing into another discussion, so I'll leave it at that to maintain the original train of thought.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 10:48 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2013 4:29 pm
Posts: 64
My H is also in law enforcement. I'm fairly certain he got into this profession because of childhood trauma which also contributes to the SA as well.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2014 10:17 am 
Offline
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Although my H was never in law enforcement, he did have a high stress job and all the childhood background which left him with traits that supported the development of his addiction.
Quote:
I agree with thebagholder that because of the SA patterns, even low-stress jobs could potentially be high-stress, since they can feel constantly on edge about not living up to the expectations of others and failing, particularly in the eyes of authority figures.
Oh yes. Speaks to my H from childhood on where a job well done was the household priority from his mother in particular. Work requires no intimacy. It was a high stress job that he loved and hated at the same time that led to the beginning of his downward spiral into his SA. He didn't have the coping tools he needed but had to maintain his public image as the good guy - his SA choices were carefully woven into his job, his art, his friends. Quite amazing to look back on.
Quote:
However, from what I have seen, many people with SA/LA actually excel at their jobs and I’ve seen successful businessmen, doctors, etc. Why is this? My guess is that in general, work doesn’t require a lot of emotional intimacy. In many cases, it is very intellectual; you have your job/task and you carry it out. Many SA/LA are very intelligent; it is in the realm of emotional maturity where they are still children.
My H learned to intellectualize to avoid any emotional conflict at a very early age because it worked. It became a strength for him but totally contributed to his stunted emotional growth where he remained a child.
Quote:
One last note: one thing I’ve also noticed relatively frequently is that many addicts here also struggle with workaholism...which goes back to the same patterns that underlie SA/LA. Through an obsessive focus on work, the addict distracts themselves from everything else going on in their life. These patterns could be dealt with in the same way as sexual/romantic compulsions, as it again comes back to a disconnect from their true identity, and emotional immaturity.
My husband's work was his priority. His relationship with his me and his son was a long way down on the list. He was dutiful but not connected. He never understood what being married was about other than being a provider which he sometimes hated. His need for control was over the top regarding money.

I suppose that law enforcement - choosing that as a profession - can be risky for those who are emotionally immature, are workaholics, and have a need to control.

Nellie


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 10:24 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:48 pm
Posts: 45
I do not quite know how to quote from a previous post, am relatively new at this posting business, so I will just say that I find that this topic resonates with me.

My husband was (and still is) in a well respected professional field, it fed his ego, and required no intimacy. Did this help foster the detachment and disconnectedness from me, and the children (when they were living at home) ? He was cerebral and cold, in a position of power and control. I felt that he treated the marriage as a prop to his image. An overachiever and always at the top of his class, he was perfectionist and sought validation from outsiders.

So did he choose this career path to feed an overinflated sense of self, or to mask feelings of inadequacy? Narcissism versus low self esteem?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2014 9:14 am 
Offline
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Quote:
So did he choose this career path to feed an overinflated sense of self, or to mask feelings of inadequacy? Narcissism versus low self esteem?
It's hard to know. Later lessons may help you figure this out, or not. It was scary to me when I asked the same questions years ago. I came to realize that the why of my H's choices required some deep digging on his part, not mine. My H worked with a private counselor for over a year to figure out why he behaved the way he did. He learned that he developed behaviors that worked for him because he seriously lacked healthy coping skills that most of us build in childhood. His childhood shaped his values. Is your H doing any recovery work or counseling?

For me, being on the receiving end of my H's behavior required my focus to be on me. Setting and enforcing my boundaries was key to my healing. I learned to turn my H over to himself. I was fortunate in that he took that responsibility.

I hope this helps. :w:
Nellie James


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2014 10:55 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:48 pm
Posts: 45
My husband has been in counseling since January 2012, the initial discovery day, the first of three subsequent discoveries. He lied for eight months to his first counselor, who also was my counselor. The latter was supposedly a CSAT counselor, but having the same counselor was a fiasco. Faced with the reality that my husband had lied to both of us, the first counselor terminated our therapeutic relationship, claiming that I had disrespected the process. This happened in the context of discovering the pasting of my face on pornographic bodies and of finding out that he had lied, over eight months, even during that time, writing an apology letter! He had also been on the internet, on his second computer, after he claimed that he only viewed pornagraphy on the first one. (Net Nanny was installed on just that first one, and I had assumed that it was also on the second).

My husband then started with a new CSAT counselor, who recommended that he starts going to a 12-step group, so he did. Well, husband managed to deceive this new counselor, group, and me... over two months, (have related details of all of this on another thread... it makes me feel physically ill to write it out, so will skip it OK?) By this time, I had started with a woman therapist (that was so much better), and this is ongoing. What I learned from all of this is to trust my gut: it is unvariably right! There was a third relapse, between Jan2014-May2014, that I also discovered...

So this is where things are. I feel hopeless, am too invested in my family on so many levels, and walking out would rip them all apart, and me also.

What does it mean, to turn your H to himself? How did you do this? He turns on me like a rabid animal when I walk away from unacceptable behaviours (silent treatment, ignoring me, forgetting our anniversary are just small examples of his immature coping skills that hurt), and digs his heels in, and I feel retraumatized over and over again.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2014 11:44 pm 
Offline
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Quote:
What does it mean, to turn your H to himself?
I found myself a good private counselor who taught me that my H would either do the work or he wouldn't and that there was nothing I could do about it to influence him. I realized that my H had to want to become healthy for himself, not for me or the relationship, or the family. This wasn't easy to accept. I came to a point, after he had a slight slip that snowballed into a large lie, when I detached emotionally and set a time frame of six weeks at the end of which the two of us would assess our relationship and decide whether to stay together or not. I found that by emotionally detaching, I could focus more on me and do what it took to heal me regardless of what he did or didn't do. Our dynamics had to change and they did. Your H most likely interpret this as punishment. No, it's you protecting you so you can become healthy.
Quote:
He turns on me like a rabid animal when I walk away from unacceptable behaviours (silent treatment, ignoring me, forgetting our anniversary are just small examples of his immature coping skills that hurt), and digs his heels in, and I feel retraumatized over and over again.
His tactics are working, it appears. He's maintaining control. What can you do for yourself so you don't continue this emotional reactive pattern? You have identified typical SA behavior - can you accept this for what it is and learn to change your reaction to his childish behavior? I had to set boundaries for myself (change my emotional reaction patterns) to protect me from me. My emotional health became my priority on my list of values. It took work and a lot of personal insight so I could figure out action plans that worked for me so I didn't cave or explode. Counseling and doing my RN lessons helped me tune into myself. It also took practice, practice, practice. I had to give myself the gift of patience.
Quote:
So this is where things are. I feel hopeless, am too invested in my family on so many levels, and walking out would rip them all apart, and me also.
(sigh) So sorry. I can understand the feeling of hopelessness as far trying to save the family. You are invested. He is not. As long as he feels in control, your situation isn't likely to change. Using tools like Net Nanny won't help him or you and provides a false sense of security. He's a good liar, knows how to manipulate people. As long as it works, he'll continue, most likely. I don't know your family situation...children's ages, etc. We each have different life situations that figure in and we have to make the best value based decisions that we can. However, until we get out of emotional bondage, making value based decisions is hard. I suggest that you revisit your vision and revise where you see the need. Keep in mind that our visions are not set in stone - as we grow and change, our visions do, too. And that vision is key for you - a roadmap of sorts.

My H lied and lied during our early counseling sessions. Nonetheless, she (a couples counselor) had him pegged and did shock him into facing himself, but after five months, we decided that we needed private counseling and each found a private counselor and joined RN at the same time. He dragged his feet on the lessons at first, but eventually realized that if he did the hard work required, he began to have an understanding of his addictive rituals and learned how to develop the action plans to help him break old patterns - he saw how important it was to live a values based life. There were ups and downs along the way. The lying continued in funny small ways, his passive aggressive behaviors reappeared from time to time, but he learned to monitor himself, and I learned to determine and enforce my boundaries with consequences.

I hope some of this helps - take what you an use and leave the rest. :w:

Nellie James


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 13 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Majestic-12 [Bot] and 4 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group