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 Post subject: Re: He Hit Me
PostPosted: Thu Dec 05, 2013 10:55 am 
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Joined: Wed Jan 05, 2011 5:32 pm
Posts: 157
Quote:
Or perhaps just a simple question: is this behavior helping or hindering the joyful unfolding of my life?


:s: and here I am quoting myself -
the values clarification in the workshop here has been so helpful for me

(and I think of the ex - who once claimed "thanks to the fine folk at Recovery Nation I am a recovered porn addict" when he had not come close to completing the program - said he did not need to - that he "got it", and some time later I realized he did not even know what a "value" was)


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 Post subject: Re: He Hit Me
PostPosted: Thu Dec 05, 2013 4:36 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 20, 2013 1:47 pm
Posts: 102
Thanks for sharing that particular quote. I can say it to myself for EVERY aspect of my life!!!


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 Post subject: Re: He Hit Me
PostPosted: Thu Dec 05, 2013 5:53 pm 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
Posts: 675
seethesky wrote:
A major theme over the past month, culminating in being hit in the face, was that he did not feel loved, I would ask what he needed to feel loved and it became clear that there really was no limit to what he would ask, or actually demand, that I give up in order to "prove" that I loved him. Reasoning/reality/responsibility were not a part of this type of dynamic. His needs were to be met at a cost to mine and apparently he did not see anything wrong with that.


This reminded me of a stage that my H and I went through. I would ask him what he needed, why he was angry, why he felt he couldn't trust me etc... and he would list any number of things. Since I didn't understand how addiction worked (this was before RN) I would assume he was being honest, that it was really what he needed from me, and set about making those changes so that he could feel safe and loved in our relationship. 6 weeks later we'd be back to the same argument, him claiming that I didn't love him, didn't value what he needed etc... I would ask him what those things were and he'd list different things. It was a constantly moving target. It wasn't even that he was being dishonest when he answered my question. His mind would just make up crap that I was doing "wrong" in order to excuse his behavior when he was misbehaving, he would believe his excuse, and when we would discuss it later he would legitimately believe that if I would just do something different he would behave differently. After some time doing the work shop I decided that until he was healthier I would discard his opinion entirely if it didn't immediately make sense to me. The ultimate "need" was to shift responsibility for his behavior off of himself. And that meant me taking the blame for anything he could come up with.


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 Post subject: Re: He Hit Me
PostPosted: Thu Dec 05, 2013 8:16 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jan 05, 2011 5:32 pm
Posts: 157
Quote:
It was a constantly moving target.

Quote:
It wasn't even that he was being dishonest when he answered my question. His mind would just make up crap that I was doing "wrong" in order to excuse his behavior when he was misbehaving, he would believe his excuse, and when we would discuss it later he would legitimately believe that if I would just do something different he would behave differently.


the moving target, the making up crap to get angry with me about, yeah - if I would do this he wouldn't do that but it was constantly changing and I also believe he did not consider any of it to be "dishonest" - just reflex, CYA - whatever was necessary to protect his best friend - the addiction


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