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PostPosted: Sun Dec 15, 2013 6:34 am 
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Joined: Fri Jan 25, 2013 1:59 pm
Posts: 127
After two years my H has gone to see a SA therapist . He is still acting out well at least up to two weeks ago !
He has gone to see if what I have been saying he is for all this time is true . I am reacting very badly to being told of photos of his latest trip was posted on Facebook and a message from the Ow telling me she is adding new ones but the ones of their trip are further down the page ! The humiliation nearly killed me honest I thought I was going to have a heart attack .
He is unable to show any care sympathy about how I feel though I do Admit I have screamed and shouted not my best moments that I am proud off !
It's the distance in him I find so hard to come to terms with . I think he has been 3 times but he chooses not to discuss it with me which I accept I'm so grateful that someone is helping supporting him . Is this detachment "normal " at this stage . He treats me like I am the cause of all this , I truely accept I am not . I guess what I'm trying to say is have others recived behaved this way at the beginning of therapy ???
Thank you NDT x


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2014 1:12 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2014 2:05 am
Posts: 56
Hello :)

I have recieved the same treatment. Blame of me. Terrible nastiness, refusal to have anything to do with me sexually, every encounter is hostile and blaming.

If you try to take emotion out of it and look at the facts (as i understand them), people with an addiction live in a fantasy world in order to avoid dealing with the consequences of taking responsibility for their reality.

What easier way to remain in a fantasy world and not have to be accountable then to be able to deflect everything onto anotehr person and blame them. Its just another form of allowing the fantasy to thrive and avoiding reality or accountabiltity as they are not at this stage emotionally able to deal with reality. Liken it to a child. They too behave distant and blame otehrs, so that they can sulk and not have to take action against their behaviour.

In the early stages I am finding it easy to be a bit more clinical then emotional in my thinking. I try to think of him as a child in a sensse, and not excuse his behaviour, but rather I focus on me and my healing without him. He cant help you at the moment, he can scarcley help himself.

He needs to activley be helping himself, and then he will be able to deal with his responsibility in this, and he will be able to appolgoise and act like a man and not a boy.

Try to be clinical in your thinking in times like that, and try to focus only on how to be happy yourself, not on how he is chosing to behave. The bahaviour isnt him, its what he has learned his whole life. He will unlearn it if in recovery.

In the interim become the strongest, emotionally healthiest you that you can be. and What he does or doesnt do will end up mattering less and less.

Good luck!! What a difficult place!! Try and have a wonderful day :)


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2014 7:08 am 
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Joined: Fri Jan 25, 2013 1:59 pm
Posts: 127
Hi . Thank you for replying . It again came at one of those "fate" moments . I asked the question in December . You are very wise Mrs  Jones :-) . He tried to trick the therapist by saying he had made bad life style choices but she knew he was a SA and tried to use there time to help him see that . He refuses point blank and only had affairs like lots of normal men do  . (I found 39 plus dating agency's etc etc etc ) he acted out and in may abandoned me with a note saying he was giving ME time to sort myself out !!!!!! He went 30mins up the road had a holiday cottage and entertained one of his OW . I had him tracked he then put her on a plane and spent the night at another's ! The next day he was home when I came in from work and asked if I would like a cup of tea as if nothing had happened . I lost it !!!!!!!. So we went to his therapist and after much clarifying from her the result was , he is too old to change all his ways (62). He is not a sex addict but made bad choices because he thought he could get away with it . He didn't need help to change he could do it himself !!! She replied he had not managed it in the last 2years . If people make bad life style choices they stop because they know the harm it is doing ...... He cannot stop so he is a 100% SA . And she looked him  between the eyes still acting out ! Her advice to me was to tell the family , sort out money etc make new dreams for myself . His reply he is not a SA . She doesn't know him . He dosnt have to believe her etc etc I should not listen to her but make up my own mind !!!!!!! He will not leave our home , I am terribly upset , he looks totally confused,  but the patterns are so deeply ingrained I fear he will never change . I love the man I hate the addict . Thank you for your replies . 
NDT x x


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2014 9:01 am 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
Posts: 675
Wow NDT, I completely missed the date on this post when I replied. It sounds like his intentions did become very clear. I'm so sorry that they weren't what you hoped they would be. Be well!
Mrs. Jones


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