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 Post subject: Re: need advice
PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2014 10:38 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 29, 2014 2:18 pm
Posts: 27
I think the knew the answer myself when I posted :) and it all boils down to letting him make his own choices, succeeding or failing on his own and focusing on what I can control...me!

To clarify, he has blamed me in the past. When I would feel insecure about a friend or co-worker that he knew wasn’t “justified” he would act in in retaliation almost. Like he can see why I am insecure about his addiction but cant see why I cant separate it from his real life. He has recently apologized for blaming me and taken accountability for his actions and choices but its a hard thing to reverse. I still feel justified that he has (as you put it perfectly) formed unhealthy relationships in the past, and think its a real fear and insecurity. And when he reacts with anger, being defensive etc...its the same way he reacts to being caught acting out.... just wish for once I could feel heard in this regard.

What you said about the integrity of the program makes perfect sense, and its an angle I hadn’t considered! Again if he chooses this venue to act out/form an “innocent” friendship ... I have a new choice to make as it will definitely cause further problems.

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and support,
sweetB


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 Post subject: Re: need advice
PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2014 1:17 pm 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
Posts: 675
sweetb wrote:
Like he can see why I am insecure about his addiction but cant see why I cant separate it from his real life. He has recently apologized for blaming me and taken accountability for his actions and choices but its a hard thing to reverse. I still feel justified that he has (as you put it perfectly) formed unhealthy relationships in the past, and think its a real fear and insecurity. And when he reacts with anger, being defensive etc...its the same way he reacts to being caught acting out.... just wish for once I could feel heard in this regard.


sweetB


I know that I"m not the person that you want to hear these words from, but you ARE justified . It is a real (and not irrational) fear, you have a valid reason to wonder if you are secure in this relationship. You can't separate it from his "real life" because while he may have an arbitrary definition of what his "real" life is and what isn't, no actual separation exists. It is ALL him, just choosing different behaviors at different times and for different reasons. Hopefully some day he will be able to give you the validation that you're hoping to have from him.


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